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sports2 · May 21, 2012, 08:07 AM

I have been dating my girlfriend for eight months now and I can testify that she loves me very much. However I came to realize that after two months old of our relationship she cheated on me, she apologized and I accepted to move on.

Currently whenever we have a quarrel or an argument she rushes to say we call it quit and she has always being so firm with it. But when I talk to her and tell her I don’t want to break up with her, she agrees and we move on. To cut the story short, she has done this about four times now. She just told me she wants to break up after another misunderstanding and I have decided to give her space and time to think about it.

Does she really want to break up with me? Please help

talaniman · May 21, 2012, 10:00 PM

Her threats are a tactic to end the argument, and control the relationship. Giving her space though is a great idea, because her blackmailing threats are ridicules to allow, and she does need to know that whether she wants to go or stay.

It remains to be seen if she wants to stay with a guy who will not be threatened and controlled though, and it surprises me that you have allowed this 4 times already. That's 3 to many, and know one is that special to make you eat crap when there is a conflict, or disagreement.

It's a huge red flag that threats take the place of talking and listening to resolve issues.

amicon · May 22, 2012, 12:25 AM

How old are you?

Breaking up rather than talking and solving problems is a big no-no;as is this kind of controlling behaviour.

Get some serious communication going;the way things are going this will crash and burn.

sports2 · May 24, 2012, 07:04 AM

Thank you talaniman, I hear you. I just decided to give her the space that she wants and I know she loves me. All I see and think is that there is some things she is not happy with me and that could be a way of as you have put it to control the relationship. However she has kept her stance that she wants to quit, we have been speaking on phone and messaging. The bottom line is I don't want to leave her. I recently sent a message to one of the guys she cheated on me and the guy went to her showing her the message and she got upset with me and told me she wants to break up with me because she can't take it any more. Could there be a sign that she is intersted in the same guy though she tells me there is nothing and I have a benefit of the doubt, I trust her though. What must I do to make her believe that I need her and don't want to lose her? I am a changed person now, I used to hang out with other ladies all the time and I never had an intimate one and I changed when I met her. What must I do?

talaniman · May 24, 2012, 07:21 AM

Your actions don't say trust, they say insecurity, immaturity, and mistrust. At all costs guy break this attachment because the level of commitment or feelings is NOT equal. Maybe you have been pushing her away, but this is the time to disappear, and unattach yourself from her because in truth, she is already gone. Has been for a while, and her intentions don't matter.

Yours do though, and leaving her completely alone is the course of action for YOU. You only think she loves you, that's a lie.

madeline2918 · May 24, 2012, 08:28 AM

If you really love a person you wouldn't say that me and my boyfriend go through really good times.and... well the bad ones too.. she has to learn that going out with someone is not all the happiness in the world.you have to have rain to have a rainbow right?she has to know how to handle them and also not pick fights with her for a simple thing like if she looks at another guy and you start asking her why are you looking at him.oviously she's going to be like.. I can look at who ever I want.. and going on to the argument.so yea. :)
Preety long but manage to workout.

sports2 · May 26, 2012, 09:04 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your actions don't say trust, they say insecurity, immaturity, and mistrust. At all costs guy break this attachment because the level of commitment or feelings is NOT equal. Maybe you have been pushing her away, but this is the time to dissapear, and unattach yourself from her because in truth, she is already gone. has been for a while, and her intentions don't matter.

Yours do though, and leaving her completely alone is the course of action for YOU. You only think she loves you, thats a lie.

Thank you once again talaniman. I undrstand and know that I have been insecure and sometimes acted immature. I lost much trust after I found out she cheated on me but she asked to believe and trust her of which she gave me her mail passwords. I have been working on that and I feel I have built that trust in her in all that she tells me but I feel I am insecure of which she has pointed out sometimes. Yes you are right by saying that in some way I have been pushing her away because of my attitude or behavior. I just do not understand why I should break the commitment and time for me to disappear and unattach myself from her because as you put in truth she is gone. She continues to tell me she loves me and still calls me everyday and her whereabouts. I feel she wants me to change in some way and of which I am willing with her help as I told her she should be pointing out the things she is not happy with in our relationship.

talaniman · May 26, 2012, 10:33 AM

Just me and my opinion, no one else's, but I cannot fathom changing for some one I could not communicate with, nor thought she was willing to change also. The big red flag you ignore is her threatening to break up after she already has cheated. She says love but she isn't there showing it though, and that's the second red flag.

The third red flag, is you willing to change for her and NOT for yourself. Like all of this is all your fault. You seem to think a week or two on your part will make her a good partner for you, it won't, simply because it takes years of work to change yourself into who YOU are happy with. And she still won't be happy, trust me.

Her words are love, but not her actions. I would bet, its more manipulation, and keeping your nose open than true love. This time apart should be best used for you to get YOUR head together, because all these threats after only 8 months and the early on cheating is not a great sign to move forward.

It is a time to see clearly, and re evaluate both yourself, and this relationship, because my friend I think your behavior is but the product of her cheating, and the fear she may do it again, reinforced by the always wanting a break when you argue. Most people who have been cheated on and taken the cheater back would be insecure, or afraid whenever they left their site. You forgave but cannot forget.

This isn't all you and you changing, because she bears a part in this to as she isn't understanding, or reassuring of your needs to get through this. That's not love. It's a one sided mind game. By being willing to change to keep her, you allow her more and more leeway, to avoid taking responsibility for her own words and actions.

That's as bad as the cheating really, and stops positive changes and resolutions. So give her space so you can decide what she needs to change and if she isn't as willing as YOU, what's the point?

I mean, forget the cheating for a minute, and think how many times she said she would call it quits, before she finally did it? It took two to argue, and it takes two to get resolutions, and solutions. It's a waste of time for one to change, and not the other. You have a decision to make, and please base it on facts, and not just feelings, or what you THINK she feels.

sports2 · May 27, 2012, 01:06 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Just me and my opinion, no one elses, but I cannot fathom changing for some one I could not communicate with, nor thought she was willing to change also. The big red flag you ignore is her threatening to break up after she already has cheated. She says love but she isn't there showing it though, and thats the second red flag.

The third red flag, is you willing to change for her and NOT for yourself. Like all of this is all your fault. You seem to think a week or two on your part will make her a good partner for you, it won't, simply because it takes years of work to change yourself into who YOU are happy with. And she still won't be happy, trust me.

Her words are love, but not her actions. I would bet, its more manipulation, and keeping your nose open than true love. This time apart should be best used for you to get YOUR head together, because all these threats after only 8 months and the early on cheating is not a great sign to move forward.

It is a time to see clearly, and re evaluate both yourself, and this relationship, because my friend I think your behavior is but the product of her cheating, and the fear she may do it again, reinforced by the always wanting a break when you argue. Most people who have been cheated on and taken the cheater back would be insecure, or afraid whenever they left their site. You forgave but cannot forget.

This isn't all you and you changing, because she bears a part in this to as she isn't understanding, or reassuring of your needs to get thru this. Thats not love. Its a one sided mind game. By being willing to change to keep her, you allow her more and more leeway, to avoid taking responsibility for her own words and actions.

Thats as bad as the cheating really, and stops positive changes and resolutions. So give her space so you can decide what she needs to change and if she isn't as willing as YOU, whats the point?

I mean, forget the cheating for a minute, and think how many times she said she would call it quits, before she finally did it? It took two to argue, and it takes two to get resolutions, and solutions. Its a waste of time for one to change, and not the other. You have a decision to make, and please base it on facts, and not just feelings, or what you THINK she feels.

Thank you once again. Am not trying to rationalize or justify my stance. I understand your point of view and your opinion on this and I thank you as it is helping me think through things. I will let her go though it won't be easy for me. I would say its not feelings but am also basing it on facts. I think I have pleaded much and I love her and it will hurt me to let her go but I just have to make this decision and let her go. I feel I will also stop communicating with her as I am far away, we many miles away and this has also affected my stay where I am. I will her be. Thank you for your advise and continued support on this situation that I'm in at present. If she really wants to move on without me, I will let her be. I feel am also punishing myself on this. I will just have to make this decision now. Thank you Talaniman and stay well.

sports2 · May 27, 2012, 02:12 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

How old are you?

Breaking up rather than talking and solving problems is a big no-no;as is this kind of controlling behaviour.

Get some serious communication going;the way things are going this will crash and burn.

Thank you amicon. Well am 30 and she is 25. I am trying by all means to keep the communication going and we talking things over as I feel and have observed. She seem understanding and I feel she does not want to make this decision. Its just the pressure that is going through right now. As I feel I am to blame in some way I accept. I don't want to leave her as I feel we love each other.

talaniman · May 27, 2012, 04:41 AM

I feel I will also stop communicating with her as I am far away, we many miles away and this has also affected my stay where I am. I will her be

Is this a long distance relationship? For how long? How long before you can be united? How did you meet??

sports2 · May 27, 2012, 12:49 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Is this a long distance relationship? For how long? How long before you can be united? How did you meet???

Greetings once again and thank you for your continued support in this. Well I just left her in February but we were together before so basically its about 3months since I left and in sense bcame a long distance relationship. I will be going back to be with her at the end of the year. We met at a very big event though mention where. But hey the good news we just reconciled and we decided to move on. However I still keep your advise as this being a warning as she has shown me already three 'red flags' as you call it. So I have to play it cool and very careful here. What you suggest I should do to keep it moving as I don't want to lose her? Thank you once more. Your support has helped me and its still helping me.

talaniman · May 27, 2012, 03:31 PM

Long distance relationships are very difficult with time and distance being a HUGE obstacle to overcome. Its just hard to stay connected to a stranger, as in your case, and extremely hard to bond when you have just met. Takes a lot of FAITH, and some really mature healthy people with mature healthy lives to cope with that kind of separation I think.

Its even hard to see what your partner goes through in depth when you are not there, and words are but a part of communications, both talking, and listening. This distance revelations changes things as shared experiences is a bonding event, read some of these links for some great ideas on coping with time and distance.

Long Distance Relationship - Advice on Dos and Don'ts

Long Distance Relationship Advice

I think you find that honest communications is essential, and in your case even more crucial, since the "dating to get to know each other" phase has been all but eliminated. Its got to be rough when your girl just wants to have fun, and you can't be there. Explains a lot.

sports2 · May 29, 2012, 10:27 AM

Originally Posted by sports2

greetings once again and thank you for your continued support in this. well i just left her in february but we were together before so basically its about 3months since i left and in sense bcame a long distance relationship. i will be going back to be with her at the end of the year. we met at a very big event though mention where. but hey the good news we just reconciled and we decided to move on. however i still keep your advise as this being a warning as she has shown me already three 'red flags' as you call it. so i have to play it cool and very careful here. what you suggest i should do to keep it moving as i dont want to lose her? thank you once more. your support has helped me and its still helping me.

Thank you once again. I just read the sites you gave me. Will see how it goes. However am going to her next month so might be an opportunity to settle some issues and talk things over. Though I have decided not to ask her so many questions as I used to. In short I have just changed on how I communicate to her. What you suggest or think I should do

mmresd · May 29, 2012, 12:20 PM

It seems like she doesn't really want the relationship, if she cheated from the beginning and is willing to let it go so easily. Move on buddy, break up with her and stop allowing her to play you like a toy. That is not love. And the only person that can testity that is her, not you.

sports2 · May 30, 2012, 11:27 AM

Originally Posted by mmresd

It seems like she doesn't really want the relationship, if she cheated from the beginning and is willing to let it go so easily. Move on buddy, break up with her and stop allowing her to play you like a toy. That is not love. And the only person that can testity that is her, not you.

Thank you and I hear you. But can you move on if your girlfriend you love so much cheats on you and accepts she did?

amicon · Jun 3, 2012, 10:21 AM

You move on for your own sake-to get your life back on track.
Whatever she does is of no importance.