[tadano]

Hey guys,


Last week my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. I was completely blindsided by it. We're in a long-distance relationship, but would have been out of one soon. Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.

Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.

I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.

I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity. I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.

What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person. I honestly thought that she was the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I saw her last night and got her honest opinion in person for the first time. She told me one thing that she hadn't before: She said she still loved me with all her heart, but she didn't know if she was still in love with me or not.

She'll be home in a month, and I will too. I'm not going to wait for her because I owe it to myself not to, but on the same token, I desperately want things to somehow work out when she comes home. I feel like if it doesn't happen then, it never will, because we'll only drift farther apart and we may never live in the same city again.

My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that... it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change. But I also don't want to block her out, because I feel like that's almost like asking her to drift away. And I don't want to breed a false sense of jealousy or anything like that... I'm just not that type of guy. But I don't know what to do. I would do anything to get her back, and to show her just how much I could love her. Please help.

[Krs]

You can't really make anyone miss you.
Missing a person is an emotion that comes naturally not through false pretences.

From what I understand you both seem different, with different views and different ideas.
I know they say opposite's attract, which is probably the case in your situation, but I don't know if there was a lot of compromise between you.

For now, leave her be. If she misses you, she will contact you.

[rol]

Have no contact whatsoever with her now for 2-3 months.Read all the posts on here to guys in similar situations.

[sjb]

I'm in the same boat. The hardest thing to do is this and I still can't always do it. Agree with everything she says. Don't whine. Don't call her. Don't say I love you. NO candy or flowers. Woman like to be in control because they are so out of control of a lot of things about themselves. Make then think they are in control by agreeing and them leaving them alone. Pretty soon they will start to feel out of control and start to question their decision. If you call and whine and shower them with stuff then they are in control of you. Do not apologize for any reason about anything ever. Don't do anything to apologize for. Woman look for a father figure. Does a parent ever apologize to their kid? They shouldn't have a reason to apologize. Don't ever yell at her or call her names. If she gets mad then just listen to her, smile and agree with her or just walk away. Nothing is worth an argument with a woman. It will only make you miserable and lonely. Look at me. Look at us. We are here on the internet trying to figure out what the hell we did wrong. Nothing. It's their fault because they can be mean and controlling and if we let them get to us then we have screwed up. They will mess you up real bad if you let them. Be a man. Be better than that and know when to walk away. Sometimes women don't know what the hell they want. Mine is a little different. I think she has borderline personality diorder and it can be nasty stuff. Don't rule out mental problems with her. Don't tell her she's crazy though. If she's hard to get along with and seems to want to control and manipulate then she could have a personality disorder. There is plenty of info on the internet. Look it up but don't try to analyze or diagnose her. Ask yourself if she's worth it. Oh, and don't talk to her for at least two months. Agree with her and disappear. When you call her do it about once a month and talk about the weather or something besides a relationship. If she calls you then that might mean she's interested. It's your choice as to whether you want to answer the phone and how you want to respond. If you don't answer or seem indifferent to her then you are in control. Remember, if she's at all reasonable then always agree with a woman and do what she says. If she's wrong, don't tell her. She'll figure it out on her own. That's why they change their mind so much. I've never heard a woman admit to being wrong and don't push it if she is.

[rol]

<<And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return>>

I think you actually need to be alone and see what you really want... "needing someone" is never a good basis for a relationship...

[rol]

<<It's their fault because every last one of them deep down are mean and controlling and if we let them get to us then we have screwed up. They will mess you up real bad if you let them>>

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! I certainly am not!!

[tadano]

Okay, some of that stuff came out a little differently than I intended. No, I don't NEED someone to be happy. I know I can be perfectly happy on my own. But I'm at the point in my life where I want to have someone to share that with. I want to be in a relationship.

And though our views on this differed, we're not opposites by any means. I have more in common with her than I do with any of my guy friends, and that's the truth. No, there wasn't a lot of compromise between us, and that was mostly my fault. But it's something I know I could've changed if she had given me a chance to work at it. All I wanted was another chance.

Please don't just say "don't call for 2-3 months." That doesn't help me. If you've ever been in this situation before, then you know it's not that easy. I wish I could just snap my fingers and not want to talk to her and tell her about my day, but I can't. Obviously I'm going to try... I have to. But that's not really advice that helps me right now.

[Krs]

Agree with everything she says..

That's already one wrong path in a relationship

Woman like to be in control because they are so out of control of a lot of things about themselves. Make then think they are in control by agreeing and them leaving them alone. Pretty soon they will start to feel out of control and start to question their decision.

Men like to be in control too, taking this sort of action and advice you are giving just proves that my friend.

Its their fault because every last one of them deep down are mean and controlling and if we let them get to us then we have screwed up. They will mess you up real bad if you let them. Be a man. Be better than that and know when to walk away. Sometimes women don't know what the hell they want. They are like a retard at Chuckee Cheese. Mine is a little different.

WOW you are so judgemental its unreal. Im :eek: to read such rubbish.

Mean and controlling... darling it takes 2 to tango!!

I think she has borderline personality diorder and it can be nasty stuff. Don't rule out mental problems with her. Don't tell her she's crazy though. If she's hard to get along with and seems to want to control and manipulate then she could have a personality disorder. There is plenty of info on the internet. Look it up but don't try to analyze or diagnose her. Ask yourself if she's worth it.

Are you a qualified Physcologist?? Are you a professional who can read in peoples heads??
:mad:

[Nohitter410]

Very true, you need to get past the need. Because honestly do you really need a woman in your life. You WANT one and her breaking up right now is not something you like but you need to understand the difference between things you can change and things that you have to have the serenity to accept (may not have to like).

Everyone goes on breaks, or breaks up, if you feel you want a woman that is willing to work through this then move on right now and if she comes back she comes back, but trying to force someone to be 100% there will never work and you will push her away even more.

Just because you are ready doesn't mean she is. She told you exactly what she wanted. She wants to be independent from you, a relationship can't work if the couple can't be independent from one another then come together and make sacrifices down the road.

You need to stop thinking how horrible this is and see the true value and good in this. She never just cut you off, she still wants you in her life. You need to find things that bring you happiness outside of women, and be independent too. She will see that and maybe she won't come back but forcing it WILL never work.

Stop the contact for awhile. Let her call you. And don't always be available for awhile. Be busy but actually be busy

[rol]

<Please don't just say "don't call for 2-3 months." That doesn't help me If you've ever been in this situation before, then you know it's not that easy.>

Most of us here are in that situation and we are trying to do precisely that!! I was even engaged and got the same line as you that he wants to be alone as he was making his decisions based on me and wanted to be alone to find himself again.
I know its not easy, but that is what you just have to do now.
We can try to convince them as much as we can but convincing someone never works and will make them run more in the opposite direction!! She wants to be alone, so leave her alone . In a month you will start to see things more clearly.. read all the posts by Skell and wildcat21 about this.

[Krs]

There's nothing wrong with being a little nutty every now and then, spices up life, and I mean that in every sense, its when you are judgemental and clueless shows what a nutter YOU really are.

[sjb]

You can't really make anyone miss you.
Missing a person is an emotion that comes naturally not through false pretences.

From what i understand you both seem different, with different views and different ideas.
I know they say opposite's attract, which is probably the case in your situation, but i dont know if there was alot of compromise between you.

For now, leave her be. If she misses you, she will contact you.

You can make someone miss you if you do it right. Act like she doesn't matter to you, yet be very attentive to what she needs.

[Krs]

You can make someone miss you if you do it right. Act like she doesn't matter to you, yet be very attentive to what she needs.

You see, you have no clue.
Acting should not be in the dictionary of any relationship, BEING YOURSELF should work, if that doesn't, bloody move on.. How sad
Moving on false pretences is no way to work on a relationship...
Clueless

[Sentra]

Making her miss you is cruel, I suggest not doing it. It might backfire, and YOUR heart could get broken.

[rol]

<<Sometimes women don't know what the hell they want. They are like a retard at Chuckee Cheese. Mine is a little different. >>

Well I have pity for the poor girl ;-))

[rol]

<<I've been in a 12 year relationship with one and I still make mistakes.>>

12 year relationship!! Is that with the retard in chuckee cheese??

[Krs]

Yes you can make someone miss you if you do it right and listen and be attentive to what she needs. Woman aren't good communicators and men aren't good listeners. I've been in a 12 year relationship with one and I still make mistakes.

Well no ones perfect, but you quoted :- "They are like a retard at Chuckee Cheese. Mine is a little different" and you have been with her for 12 years... shows plenty of respect :cool: :rolleyes:
Not.

Women want respect, not acting!

[s_cianci]

If you want her to miss you then you need to have no contact with her at all. DO not call, IM or e-mail her. If she contacts you, don't respond, at least not right away and when you do keep it very short and sweet. Get busy with other activities so that you don't have the time to obsess about her. Meet and date other women. This is not to "breed a false sense of jealousy" but will serve two purposes: first, seeing other people gives you a more realistic perspective about this one as to whether she truly is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Having other dates to compare her to is likely to keep you from putting her on a pedestal, which is always a bad move. Secondly, when you show her that you don't need her and can be just as happy without her as with her, then she knows she's got to work at it if she wants to get you back and keep you. It essentially becomes a litmus test of her level of devotion to you, especially since she's the one who's initiating the breakup. You've hinted that maybe she felt that you didn't make her your #1 priority. Actually it's good that you didn't do that. Centering your life strictly around her would only push her away farther and faster as that would be seen as a sign of neediness and clinginess which is always a turn-off to women. Let her be the one to chase you. And if she wants to, she will. But you've got to make her want to do that and the way to do that is by being busy and aloof. Make her realize that she's got to make you the #1 priority in her life if she wants any chance of being with you.

[s_cianci]

Please don't just say "don't call for 2-3 months." That doesn't help me. If you've ever been in this situation before, then you know it's not that easy. I wish I could just snap my fingers and not want to talk to her and tell her about my day, but I can't. Obviously I'm going to try...I have to. But that's not really advice that helps me right now.

Actually, this will help you and it's the only thing that will. I know it may be hard to understand and even harder to do but this is what you need to do if you ever want to have any chance of missing her and getting her back. Trust us on this. Do it and see what happens.

[s_cianci]

Act like she doesn't matter to you, yet be very attentive to what she needs.

The first part of this is correct. The second part, however, is self-defeating and only contradicts what you accomplish by adhering to the first part.