[SingleDad]

Well I've tried using the advice some people gave me to help me deal with my son.
But he's like talking to a wall.
I tried taking away his things from him when he did something bad but it all backfired and now he won't talk to me and spends most of his time in his in his room with his music turned up full blast.
He is also falling behind in school work and he hardly eats.
I need help because I can't send him 2 boarding school then I'll have no one.
What should I do??

[SINGLE4]

Hi SingleDad,

How old is your son and what are some of the incidents (problems)?

[cromptondot]

Is he being bullied at school? Vision problems? Any learning or comprehension problems? A parent would want to think of something like that first. A nonparent's first question would be,Is he on drugs. I would hope not,keep us posted.

[cherri1966]

Hello,
Please post your question again with more information as to what is going on. At least tell us the age of your son and what type of behavior's he's displaying. Has he always been this way or what?

[letmetellu]

He is reacting the way he is because he is getting some kind of reward out of his actions. I may only be the fact that he is making you miserable or it may be that he does not have to work in school. The one way that I know to handle this type of behavior is to have tough love. Instead of him receiving a reward for the way he acts make him pay a price. And the first one I can think of is to take away his music. Be prepared for more bad actions but for any actions make him pay with something else, maybe taking away a cell phone or a X box, I am sure you could find something. If it get bad enough there is always the choice of him leaving home if he can not act like a human being.
You need to talk to someone that can guide you on how to handle him, and if you don't do it now it is very possible that you will be attending his funeral soon.

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, obviously the first thing you need to take away is his music, and he sits there because you let him, make him do chores around the house.

And so he won't talk to you, so he may tell you he hates you ( for that moment) parents are not their best friends, they are the parents.

Have you also talked to his teachers and/or the school counselor

[Thomas1970]

Are you sure he isn't suffering from depression perhaps? It's not that I disagree with what others have said, but the fact that he doesn't eat much could be worrisome. Again, it could be another control tactic -- but it would be worth inquiring of teachers and counselors as to his relations with other students.

[J_9]

I am wondering the same thing Thomas is. He lost his mother, did he not? Has he been in therapy at all since her death?

[SingleDad]

Hes 16 his mom died when he was 2 I didn't think he would need therapy.
Anyway if this was why he was doing this I would have tought he would have done this sooner (he hasn't done this before).
I don't think he's being bullied he has loads and loads of friends.
What do you mean I could be at his funeral?
Hes not on drugs I looked in his room.
He seems to on the computer a lot when Im at work then rushes 2 turn it off when I come back.
I caught him in his room with a girl having sex.
I already tried taking away his music but took my keys and got them out of the drawer.

[valinors_sorrow]

How about some counseling for you both? There is no shame in seeking that sort of thing -- you've both been through the wringer.

He is acting up, which needs addressing and you have only him, which needs addressing.

How can he NOT be lost when you are lost too?

[SingleDad]

Sorry Valinors_sorrow but I don't have a clue what u mean

[talaniman]

I do. He has spent a lot of time alone and has raised himself. The effects of you working and no supervision over the years has led to a situation where you know nothing of your son other than he is there. Counselling may reverse this and is worth a try.
If you can't name his friends...
If you don't know where he spends his Internet time...
If you don't know why he is angry or what to do about it... Seek help from someone who knows what to do. A professional

[cherri1966]

Okay here it goes. Who is the parent here? The first time you allow your child control he/she will take it and run with it. What are the consequences for his actions? What boundaries are set in place? What rules are set in place? Just what did you do when he took yourrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr keys? Are you afraid of him? Let me repeat this again. Any person on earth will treat you, me and anyone else the way we allow. For whatever reason you have given your son the indication that he can do whatever it is he is doing. What rules do you have about girls being there when you're not there or about him being on the computer when you're not home? There's only 100 kabillion (LOL) things he can be doing on the computer and for him to get off so quickly tells me he is up to NO GOOD. Take his music away completely until he knows how to act. Don't allow people in your home when your not there. If you can't control that, don't give him a key to the house and if he have one, change all the locks, put you a mini refrig in your garage (if you have one) so he can have food to eat, put a chair out there so he can have something to sit on a possibly a electric heater (the kind that just blows and not light up). This way he has access to food and shelter until you get home. If he needs to go to the bathroom, go to one of his many friends house. Children are easily persuaded by peer pressure, they think we are ancient and out of date as parents these days, because we want the best for them and want them to do right. You be what you are--- THE PARENT. That is what's wrong with many parents these days, they want to be their children's friend, well that don't work. You can't do that and expect for them to respect you as a parent too. Many children are not mature enough to do that. So you must have boundaries and let there be no doubt who is the parent (not for one second). Put your foot down and be the parent. At his age it could be a million things, but don't be fooled into thinking just because you didn't find drugs he's not experiencing with them. Not saying he is, but just don't be naïve to the possibility. His mom's death really may not be a factor (two was so young to remember), but the fact that he has no mother (period) could be one thing that bothers him. Also you have to look at yourself as a parent. Do you spend the needed and necessary time with him (quality time is very important), pick a night just for quality time, it doesn't always have to involve spending money. Make him responsible for things around the house, no debating and have consequences in place for him not doing them. Praise him on things he does well, support him in things he enjoys or wants to do. Do you yell at him a lot etc. There are so many things that could be going on, however, the bottom line is you're the parent. We all go through something yet, in the midst of going through, you let him no that YOU WILL NOT TOLERATE disrespect and defiance. You run your house. If you feel that you have lost control then you seek outside help. I can go on and on and on about children (yes I do have 2 and they are 19 & 20 and I guarantee you they don't disrespect me, ever, that's because I wouldn't allow that and now we are good friends, but they know I am still momma and that momma don't play). I've never ever cursed at my children, yell (oh yeah, I won't lie) but, I learned not to do that, because I wouldn't like it if someone yelled at me (although they can make you so teed off sometimes) it still gives no right to yell. They have never seen me do anything disrespectful to them or myself. Did they like my rules and consequences when they were in my house (no way, no how) did they have to abide by them any ways? You bet your bottom dollar. I didn't tolerate tantrums, telling me what you're not going to do or what you don't want to do, no talking back, no slamming doors, NONE OF IT. I handled my children respectfully but firmly and they knew momma was serious about whatever she was saying. I know this isn't about me, but I just want you to know that to be a parent, you have to lay down the law. Blessings to you and your situation.

[Thomas1970]

How about some counseling for you both? There is no shame in seeking that sort of thing -- you've both been through the wringer.

He is acting up, which needs addressing and you have only him, which needs addressing.

How can he NOT be lost when you are lost too?

I agree with Val. It's hard for most any child to grow up with only one parent, whether it is due to loss or divorce. I myself have two step sisters and a step brother, who as well lost their mother at a very young age. My brother was almost too young to remember her. And though they are all now in their 40's and 50's, it still continues to effect some of them in very subtle ways. They have all dealt with it quite differently.
The older sister married, started a family of her own, and has done quite well for herself. The younger sister deals with things through continual therapy -- acquiring one diagnosis after another -- a multitude of support groups, and crusading for the speechless in a vast myriad of causes, almost to the point of being militant; sometimes even mistakenly accusing others of actions they did not commit.
My brother has typically been very troubled lifelong. Though he has done well enough in caring for himself, his social skills in many ways are very lacking. Most notably, he exhibits an almost abject lack of empathy for others, to the point of notably bordering on sadistic at times. He seems to largely see relationships as nothing more than give and take situations, almost another form of business transaction. In recent years, he has since cut himself off from the family entirely.
It may not seem like it now, but is it bound to be something that will inevitably shape his life in some way. It is encouraging that he has many friends, but remember, it is possible to be in a crowd of people and still feel completely alone.

[wanger]

Well I've tried using the advice some people gave me to help me deal with my son.
But hes like talking to a wall.
I tried taking away his things from him when he did something bad but it all backfired and now he wont talk to me and spends most of his time in his in his room with his music turned up full blast.
He is also falling behind in school work and he hardly eats.
I need help because I can't send him 2 boarding school then I'll have no one.
What should I do????

You might try dealing with him on his level. I mean if he is not responding to punishment you might try taking him out somewhere he would like to go, like an amusment part or vidoe arcade, miniture golf, etc. and ride the rides with him and play the games with him. Don't just take him to the place and drop him off. The idea is to get on his good side and try to have some fun. Once you feel like you have won him back over then slowly begin to work into some of the problems you are having with him, one at a time. Don't rush things. Even if he doesn't begin to show improvements in school right away, he can always repeat the grade. Just a note. If you feel like this might be something that is drug related you might try going to his guidance councelor and see what they suggest. It may mean signing him into drug rehab to get him straightened out, but at least you will succeed. I hate to say it, but that is where this sounds like it is stemming from. I know most parents don't want to admit to it, but the truth hurts a lot of time.

[SingleDad]

I guess I do yell at him sometimes and curse to but only 4 very bad things he's done.
I would take him places if there were any around here I'm from Ireland there no amusment parks or vidoe arcades.
Hes really not on drugs I could tell if he was.
I'm not afraid of my son.
When he took my keys I sort of lost my temper.
I have talked about the girls he just don't care and I can't really do anything about computer cause he has his own laptop so he uses that instead now.

[talaniman]

Gee Dad, you sound helpless. Before you can raise a child, you have to be grown yourself. You should seek help for yourself. Who babysat for you when he was younger and you had to work?

[worthbeads]

Try spending more time with him. Do something that is enjoyable for both of you. If you can connect with him he will open up and speak out.

[J_9]

Dad, about the computer, you can set parental controls that only you have the password to.

There must be someplace he would like to go do something.

How do you know you could tell if he were on drugs. Many moons ago I was able to hide it from my parents.

Why did you leave the keys in the house where he had access to them in the first place?

I agree with Tal, you sound helpless... You need to stiffen up that backbone and be a father. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are just giving excuses for your son's behavior.

He will always be like this if you continue to make excuses for him.

[valinors_sorrow]

Sorry Valinors_sorrow but I dont have a clue what u mean

What I meant is that there is family counseling for families in trouble and I hear yours is. That is not a slam of any kind, just an awareness of the reality. You've had a hard time of it, no doubt with the loss of your wife. I also see evidence, as do others here, that its possible you may be more a part of the problem than you realise. I know that may be hard to believe just now. Its okay. If you can't see that, then maybe you can see that we see... and allow yourself to go find out if we are correct or not? It won't hurt anymore than what you are already experiencing, I promise.

And besides, its just plain paternally supportive to be willing to do the very thing which you ask of your son too. If this is important to you (and I am hoping and trusting it is) then it needs some action from you and I don't believe there is an easy way out or some quick tip that will be posted here that will turn the tide for you and your son. I also meant that what all is going on, even if it was just your son, is beyond the scope of what is possible on a Q&A site.

Or you can consider it all too far gone and do nothing but I have to tell you honestly, I see kids later on who started down the wrong path like yours is and they are messed up on an even bigger scale. And so are their parents for looking the other way when they should have been doing something about it. Your son is in trouble and if you can't help him, at least get him someone who can. This doesn't just go away.

Is that a little clearer then, SingleDad?