[Just Looking]

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 34. We met last New Year’s Eve and have been together since. If you had asked me a month ago, I would have said we had a terrific relationship – loving, fun, fulfilling. I thought we had a great connection in every way. We have similar goals and lifestyles, and I just loved spending time with him. We often said it was the best relationship either of us had every experienced, and we were both talking about spending our lives together.

Over the July 4th weekend he said we wanted to discuss something with me, which was basically that he wanted to take our sex life to the next level. I wasn’t sure what he meant, but was interested to find out. I knew from the beginning that he was much more experienced and open than I was, but I have always considered myself to be loving and adventurous, and I’ve always been open to learn and experience more. We’ve been able to communicate very well, but in this instance he really couldn’t or wouldn't tell me what he wanted. To be clear, I thought we had a great sex life – frequent sex; at times very tender and at times crazy wild; dozens of positions; we’d used role-playing, costumes, toys; lots of different locations – indoors and outdoors. I always felt such a connection with him.

For the last 5 weeks, I’ve tried to figure out what he wants and am becoming increasingly frustrated because nothing seems to be working. Where I felt we had spontaneity before, I now feel like things are forced. Where before it seemed we were mutually initiating sex, it now seems like it’s all on me to initiate things. I have been hoping that it was just a bump in the road, but after 5 weeks I have to wonder what is really happening. I started feeling like the tenderness was missing, so last night I wanted to return to romance. I made him a really nice dinner, opened a great bottle of wine, played some beautiful music, and gave him a sensual massage which led to some very tender lovemaking. I felt so wonderful afterwards and expressed that to him, to which he replied something along the lines that it was nice but I know that he prefers something more adventurous and that he went along with what I wanted. I felt so vulnerable at that moment that it hit me pretty hard. He went to sleep, but I was so upset that I was making myself sick. I didn’t want to wake him so I left him a note that I wasn’t feeling well and went home.

He wants to get together for dinner tonight. I’m leaving for a business trip tomorrow and will be gone for at least a week. I’m frustrated because I’ve tried to talk to him about this and his usual response is along the lines that I will figure it out when I let myself go. I feel like I’m losing my joy of sex. I’ve always been pretty confident in that area and confident in general, but I just don’t know what to do. I asked him if we have just gone as far as we can and maybe he’s losing interest, but he always comes back with a response that I just need to take it to the next level. I don’t know what that means, though. Any comments will be appreciated. Thanks.

[jmjoseph]

I'm sorry, I don't know what this "next level" is either. I hope things get back to normal, but what are you prepared to do if they don't? I say, try to talk to him again about your feelings. Don't hold back. Let him know that it's give and take. Your way, his way, mix it up. But if you're in love, the tender moments should come naturally.

[bronzebabe]

So, wait a sec. He said he wanted to take things to the "next level" but he didn't even say what that was??
Does he know?
I'm sorry, maybe I read it and missed it. Sometimes I do that.
Did I miss it?

[Fr_Chuck]

Sounds like the level is about as high as it can get. But perhaps he has the desire or need for you to be in control, Some people like to be controlled But you need to talk tohim and ask

[Just Looking]

I'm sorry. I was trying to be succinct while still being clear. I've asked him many times what he meant by the next level, but he hasn't answered. I've asked specific questions and talked about the things I won't do, for example multiple partners. His answer to that was, while that could be interesting, he would never expect it and he respects my feelings on the subject. I've looked online for answers and talked to friends, but nothing has helped. I'm frustrated because he can't or won't tell me what he means, but just seems to have a general feeling of wanting "more". I didn't go into more specifics, but I've been open to things with him that were new to me... and I'm pretty experienced. I've suggested we try to figure this out together, but he just keeps saying the same old lines - I need to let go and I will figure it out. I've told him how frustrated I am. I've suggested that maybe it's something more than the sex, maybe there's something else about me that he's not satisfied with and he responds that I'm the most amazing woman he's ever known. I've suggested that maybe we need a break from each other, that possibly he's bored, but he says he doesn't want that. I'm just at a loss of where to go from here.

[N0help4u]

My guess is he is into S&M or multiple partners of some sort and is afraid to tell you. In the meantime he is living with what he gets and being less satisfied as time goes on.

[Just Looking]

How do we get anywhere if he won't tell me? After more than 7 months, shouldn't he speak up - isn't that just a waste of our time if I'm not what he wants? The part that blows my mind is how well the first 6 months went. As I said, I'm starting to lose my joy of sex and confidence. Part of me wants to go on my business trip and forget all of this while I am gone... and part of me wants to go to dinner tonight and let loose with both barrels. I've tried being supportive and understanding, but I have to say I am extremely frustrated.

[N0help4u]

IF I am correct at what he calls the next level he may be afraid that if he tells you he will lose you.

[Just Looking]

And if he doesn't tell me, he will continue to be less than fulfilled. That doesn't make sense to me. He should at least give me an opportunity to tell him what I can and can't live with, and respect me enough to allow me to go on with my life if we are not as compatible as I first thought.

[Catsmine]

You might consider going to the dinner and telling him that this "next level" of his is about to split you up. If he can't explain it he can't have it.

[Fr_Chuck]

I would say that it must be something you have said you would not do, or something even he thinks is far out.

Ask him to make a list of what he may like, and see if you can work with any of them.

[asking]

He's being unreasonable. You aren't a mind reader;there's no way to guess what he wants, although I think NoHelp4u has made a good guess, that it's something he isn't ready to say out loud. He may not even be able to admit to himself for all we know.

It's not just that he's not getting what he wants, but that he's sabotaging yourself confidence and joy. He's undermining You and the relationship, with virtually no possibility of getting what he wants. That in itself is a red flag. I would give this relationship a hard look.

[Just Looking]

I want to thank everyone for their input. You've given me some things to think about and a starting point for further discussion. I told him I'd meet him at his place for dinner tonight as I didn't want to discuss this in a restaurant. I told him that I'm looking for answers, and asked him to think about what he wants and to please be completely honest with me. I asked him to trust me that I will listen to what he has to say and discuss it with him.

I didn't want to give up on what was previously a good relationship, but I am willing to do that before I am willing to continue with the way it is now. Thanks again. I feel like I'm ready to really dive into this, no matter what the outcome may be.

[N0help4u]

Let us know how it turns out.

[Gemini54]

Just a suggestion - if he wants to take your sexual relationship to the next level - why don't you suggest Tantric sex?

This is really taking to to the ultimate level because it combines the physical, emotional and spiritual - it's not so much about positions - it's about connection at the deepest and most challenging level.

I suspect he may mean something totally different when he talks about taking your sexual relationship to the next level, but you could get in first with this suggestion.

Good luck with tonight.

[Just Looking]

Gemini - I've been reading this board for over a month now and always appreciate your thoughtful answers. We have practiced Tantric sex, even went to a weekend retreat a few months ago to learn more. He is very much into the emotional and spiritual aspects of a relationship. He really has a brilliant mind, which is what I have always been most attracted to - along with his wit. I think he does mean something entirely different, but I just can't imagine what as I feel we've had a pretty interesting relationship. I'm just trying to stay calm until I get an answer... but I plan to get an answer somehow. I'm on my way over there now. Thanks.

[N0help4u]

Maybe that is what he means then maybe he just isn't feeling the spiritual aspect as much as he would like.

You do need answers before you can do anything.

[Just Looking]

It wasn't easy but I got my answers. He basically said that I am the closest he's ever met to his dream woman, but there are two issues. The first is religion. While he claims to feel connected to me on a deep spiritual level, he has a problem that we are different religions. I'm not so sure I buy this as we discussed this in depth when we met. He is Jewish and I am a non-denominational Christian. He was brought up by a Catholic father and a Jewish mother, who had issues with their families over the religious difference but make it work as a couple. He claims that while he didn't think it was an issue at first he has been concerned lately.

The second issue is the sexual issue. NOhelp4u had that one pegged pretty well. He referred to the sex we have as mind-blowing, but said that sometimes he needs something more than that. It was difficult but what he finally admitted was that he wants to do things that are dangerous, degrading, or vile. One example is auto-erotic asphyxia, but it was all pretty extreme. I was a little upset because we had discussed this type of thing early on and he knew how I felt. He led me to believe he felt the same way. His “explanation” was that he thought maybe he would be satisfied without it but finds he needs it as a part of his sex life.

I told him I couldn't accept that and we decided to part ways. In the 20 minutes it took to drive home, he left a voicemail, 2 texts, and an e-mail all saying that he doesn't want to lose me and he wants to work together to figure things out. I'm not interested in working things out. I feel deceived, and I've lost my trust in him. I would rather walk away from this while I can still hold my head up and still remember that there were some great parts of the relationship. I am so glad that I'm going out of town tomorrow. I think the change of environment will be good for me. Thanks again to those of you who responded to my posts. Now, I just need to find a way to calm down and get a good night's rest so I can start fresh tomorrow.

[N0help4u]

Yes you were deceived because he should have told you he had issues in these two areas to begin with.

He should realize that his parents were two different faiths and their marriage worked out.

He should be more open to working things out as far as religion or he should only be pursuing Jewish girls only.

They are saying David Carradines death was due to auto-erotic asphyxia

Wikapedia says 117 deaths have been caused by auto-erotic asphyxia and who knows how limited their study covers

You made the right choice to get out.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, that is why, although hard, one needs to have talks about sexual desires and needs early into a relationship.

It can be hard, image dating a preacher and talking about sexual desires.