[dapotatoman]

My girlfriend and I have been together for around five months, but have been friends for a few years (we are both 18). I lost my virginity to her, but she did not lose hers to me. She has a broader sexual past than I do (in all things including sex) and has had some casual hooking up type things with a couple of guys in addition to one previous serious relationship. Anyway, at first this did not bother me at all. However, I have found out more about her past since we have been dating (curiosity killed the cat?) and this past has started to get to me.

Look, I understand that I am essentially in the wrong here. Everyone has a past (including me albeit limited) and everyone I encounter is going to have a past. I think this issue is mainly centered around the fact that many things with her were a first for me, while none of them were a first for her. This has created some insecurity issues for me that I find are eating at me. I have discussed this with her and she insists that it is way better with me because she has never had feelings like this before and such. I believe her totally and she is very sweet and honest and I do not judge her negatively for her sexual past. It is just that I have an overactive imagination and over think things and now sometimes when I consider her, I consider her past experiences and it literally makes me feel ill. I feel that if I had more sexual history than I do, then this issue probably would not be plaguing me. I feel like this is only an issue I will have with this girl, because I shared all the "first" times with her but she did not with me, thus creating a sort of inequality. I know that her past experiences should be accepted as part of her and what led her to me, but I am having trouble doing this.

Please, help me move on with this issue before it negatively affects our relationship. I just want to make peace with her past and not dwell on it, but I am struggling to do so.

[talaniman]

Fear of inadequacy, inequality, and insecurity from a lack of experience is but a distraction from understanding how to best deal with your own feelings in proactive positive ways. One way to build confidence and self esteem is to focus on learning and observing little things about her and confidence in knowing her mind, and coming to trust her, and yourself.

Start right now by giving yourself credit for recognizing its your problem to deal with, NOT hers. That's an excellent step in the right direction. I think if you are patient with yourself, you will get comfortable as you get more experience in being in an adult relationship.

Confidence and patience, will help you learn to control yourself, and your emotions, especially the FEAR! Have faith in yourself that you will learn to let go of a lot of that fear, it just takes time. Just keep putting your best foot forward.

For sure focusing on doing the right things, the right way for yourself, and others, will push that fear away, and replace it with self esteem, and self assurance that you ARE doing the right thing, despite the fear. That's courage. That's what build confidence in my book.