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Dewynn · Aug 4, 2008, 12:02 AM

I was hesitant to post this subject but there isn't a whole lot online that's been helpful.

I am going out with someone who is a very conservative and very loyal person. Our sex tends to be very "vanilla flavored", that is, good but conventional. Yet, or maybe partly because of this, I'm extremely curious about her sexual past with former boyfriends. It is a huge turn-on. I'm not only curious about the who, when and what they did, but about little details too. I am not, however, into finding out their names or having any concrete mental picture of them; I'm just turned on on the idea of her being sexual with someone else. I should say that guys tend to be curious about this sort of thing but I know my curiosity is a bit beyond the usual. I've also dated women with a long past and I wasn't the least bit curious about their previous relationships.

I'm an open person by nature and we talked about this, but understandably she doesn't want to dwell on it. Finally, she agreed to a sexual play I devised in which she (this is when I begin to feel embarrassed about sharing this); was topless, wore thong underwear, high heels and practiced fellatio on me while I asked her questions about her past sexual relations. :D

The thing is, I want to do it again... She is a uncompromising person, which annoys me to no end but in this case I do understand why she doesn't want to; these are people she dated and all too real to her, it's over and she has feelings for me now. I understand. But this was many years ago and we are not doing anything real, these are just mental images and when she refuses I feel horrible, like a freak. I don't want a threesome or a web cam, I'd not dream of exchanging partners, voyeurism or anything of the sort. Even when climaxing, I only think of her and I, no one else. This is all I want, and I really want it.

Am I being unreasonable by asking for this?

Funny responses are OK but please no judging. This is a delicate issue for me.

Thanks!

ambyr · Aug 4, 2008, 01:56 AM

If you want to do it again then just ask her to do it again lol

ChihuahuaMomma · Aug 4, 2008, 02:00 AM

If she is unwilling do not pressure here. No one can stop you from fantisizing about it though!

smoothy · Aug 4, 2008, 05:08 AM

Its her past, if she doesn't want to reveal it or relive it its her right. There is no harm in asking but respect whatever her answer is and don't hound her on it.

Synnen · Aug 4, 2008, 05:57 AM

This is actually an interesting question.

There is a fine line we all walk between determining what is a reasonable request in the bedroom, one that you would think most partners should do for one another, and of crossing the line into someone's personal "no-no zone".

Kissing is a good example of a reasonable request. Some people crave it, and sex loses its meaningfulness without kissing to them. Some people, however, do NOT like to kiss in the bedroom, especially after oral sex. Swinging, when absolutely no interest has been shown by your partner, is an example of an unreasonable request. Most couples would find the idea of having to have another partner in order to get off to be an unforgivable idea, and the actual execution of the request breaks up too many relationships to believe.

So. Where does your request stand?

I think that you've gotten what you could out of this. Period. She accommodated you once, and you enjoyed it, [I]but she did not[I]. Asking for something that not only does your partner NOT enjoy, but which makes your partner uncomfortable is, to me, an unreasonable request.

talaniman · Aug 4, 2008, 06:24 AM

Between consenting adults you should be able to express yourself openly. Its only unreasonable when you expect them to do something they are not comfortable with.

When they say no, let it go!

jjwoodhull · Aug 4, 2008, 06:31 AM

The problem is that her past is a fantasy for you, but a reality for her with real feelings and emotions. Can't you try something else to spice up your sex lives that would be a fantasy for both of you?

Synnen · Aug 4, 2008, 07:16 AM

I think that we're all kind of agreeing here.

There's nothing wrong with asking for something in the bedroom. Between consenting adults, you should be able to talk openly in the bedroom about your likes, dislikes, fantasies, dreams, whatever.

You just should not expect your partner to participate in something that makes them uncomfortable.

Let's put it this way: If she were to tell you that her hottest fantasy is of you and another guy having sex, ANY other guy, and she wanted you to tell her EXACTLY, in detail, what you'd do to him, and have him do to you, while you gave her oral sex--would you be into that at all? Would you want to do it multiple times, each time getting more explicit?

Dewynn · Aug 4, 2008, 10:09 AM

Thank you for the honest responses, everyone! You exceeded my expectations.

I guess I compare this compromise to a massage or going shopping (Or watching Gilmore Girls), I don't enjoy them necessarily but participate because of the pleasure it brings her. I won't go shopping all the time, but sometimes I bite the bullet and make the best of it for her. I know I'm pushing the analogy a little but it's the same principle. I know part of the reason this is hard to let go of is because she rarely compromises, so we power-struggle over things.

The best solution I can think of is to agree on a "Night" once or twice a month in which anything goes in the bedroom for a few hours.

Thoughts are still welcome to this thread.

Dewynn · Aug 4, 2008, 10:22 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Let's put it this way: If she were to tell you that her hottest fantasy is of you and another guy having sex, ANY other guy, and she wanted you to tell her EXACTLY, in detail, what you'd do to him, and have him do to you, while you gave her oral sex--would you be into that at all? Would you want to do it multiple times, each time getting more explicit?

Thanks for your answer, Synnen. She actually asked me this! I'm not gay nor fantasize about that, but if I knew that genuinely turned her on, I'd play along. I come from a very open Latin background and she's from the Midwest, so maybe there's a cultural difference there. I wouldn't enjoy it, but I just don't have a problem switching to a less-rational and primitive mental state because I know when it is over, it's just her and I safe in the bedroom.

Choux · Aug 4, 2008, 12:41 PM

I think she would be *foolish* to satisfy your curiosity and lust by divulging any of her past sexual experiences! That's the kind of thing that gets thrown back in a woman's face when a guy decides to break up with her.

Nothing wrong with making up scenarios that turn you on while in high heals and breasts swinging in the breeze, though. You be the one pretending it is from her past. ;D

Have a great week, :)

Choux · Aug 4, 2008, 02:13 PM

No, I'm saying that any woman would be foolish to satisfy any lover's curiosity and lust by divulging extremely personal memories... those are *her memories*, not to be divulged... Just for her to enjoy!

I mean this answer for all women... and I pointed out only one downside, there are others. :)

talaniman · Aug 4, 2008, 02:29 PM

The best solution I can think of is to agree on a "Night" once or twice a month in which anything goes in the bedroom for a few hours.

Sounds good on paper, but she still has to go for it, or it ain't happening. I feel your situation, but some fantasies aren't meant to be acted on. Just ask my wife, and we have always enjoyed a healthy sex life, but we can't expect a partner to cross the limits of what they will do for you.

talaniman · Aug 4, 2008, 02:31 PM

Am I being unreasonable by asking for this?

Not at all, but its unreasonable to keep asking.

smoothy · Aug 5, 2008, 06:16 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Sounds good on paper, but she still has to go for it, or it ain't happening. I feel your situation, but some fantasies aren't meant to be acted on. Just ask my wife, and we have always enjoyed a healthy sex life, but we can't expect a partner to cross the limits of what they will do for you.

Exactly... her wishes and desires hold equal sway on this. Or its not going to work.

Fantasies are fine... but you can't make your partner act them out if they don't want to.

DuBas07 · Aug 5, 2008, 07:56 AM

Can you ask her just to make some stuff up and have a compromise? She might be more comfortable with that.

Im pretty open to requests from my gfs but my line is drawn way before having sex with another dude. I wouldn't tell her that if you don't want her to think you are gay. There has to be a cultural difference there.

BetrayalBtCamp · Sep 2, 2008, 05:00 PM

You are not asking her to go shopping with her but to share her sexual past with you in the most intimate of arenas. You want to focus solely on the sexual experiences she had without you but it is not such a black & white issue for her. It may trigger the feelings & thoughts that are associated with that EX as well as why they are an EX, which is not an aprodesiac at all.

It also likely causes her to feel even more vulnerable than being naked, having sex with you is because you want to use what are likely part of painful memories for her to enhance your sexual enjoyment at a great cost to her.

It will create a disconnect that will be difficult or impossible to get past if you persist in doing this with her. That may not be true for everyone, but she is not willing to relive a past she's moved beyond for anyone's amusement, not even yours. That is a reasonable position.

Maybe instead of focusing on how to make her come around to your way of thinking about this, take some time to try to figure out why it's so important to you? Are you insecure with her so that this is your way of feeling you are better in bed than those in her past are? Are you trying to figure out how to be a "better" lover than those she had before?

You say this is new bahavior for you so what is different in this relationship that would be nudging you into acting this way? Are you more serious about her than you were with past gf's for example?