[kctiger]

Be a true man, let her go and ensure her you will be fine. If she comes back great, if not, then at least you did the right thing by allowing her to go live her life without pity for your own. That is no way to live. It is selfish that you allow her to take pity and keep her close to you for fear of her finding another man.

[The Captain]

Seems to me like each of you is delaying the inevitable. Having dinner with each other isn't a very good option. You both need to realize this is a break up and as a break up, you need to quit talking to each other. That is what happens. You don't just break up "slowly." That isn't fair to either of you. You both need to quit talking and quit doing things together as it does nothing but fuel a fire that is clearly not going to burn anytime in the near future.

I'm sorry but the session tomorrow and the eating together is an absolute waste of time. This is life, this is how break ups work, they are sudden and they need to be that way for reality to hit.

Your words make perfect sense... I just can't realise it yet...
I'll be honest...
I know she loves me, and a lot... however she is being extraordinarily brave and saying that she does not want this... she is probably thinking about all the negatives... it's perfectly normal...
The funny thing is that whenever she has hurt me, I always give her another chance... actually I forgive her... I'm just like that... I can't be nasty to people, especially those I love...
I'm clinging on to this... maybe to no avail... I think the next day or so will make things clearer... I'm already distancing myself... I'm not going to eat with her as it gives me hope... I will do the councilling as I want one last chance to talk...
But after Saturday... that's it... I will set her free and give her what she wants... but I just need to do this last thing tomorrow...

[amicon]

Please wake up and smell the coffee!

[The Captain]

Be a true man, let her go and ensure her you will be fine. If she comes back great, if not, then at least you did the right thing by allowing her to go live her life without pity for your own. That is no way to live. It is selfish that you allow her to take pity and keep her close to you for fear of her finding another man.

I know it's selfish... but I know her... and she is doing this partly out of anger for my errors... just the way she is... I have not written one bad thing about her... she is not perfect and can get angry... and this is the way she does it...
I don't know anymore... but thank you guys and girls for helping me talk through all of this!

[The Captain]

Please wake up and smell the coffee!

Almost have... but just want one more day of dreaming...

[talaniman]

She was going to dump you any way, you just gave her a reason she could tell you. Had she been committed and willing, you would be working things out, and not the slow torture that your both feeding into.

Enjoy your last day if dreams, if that's the excuse you want to use, to not do the right thing for yourself. Then what??

[The Captain]

She was going to dump you any way, you just gave her a reason she could tell you. Had she been committed and willing, you would be working things out, and not the slow torture that your both feeding into.

Enjoy your last day if dreams, if thats the excuse you want to use, to not do the right thing for yourself. Then what???

Then it's NC from tomorrow am... I don't see what I will lose by seeing her tomorrow with the councillor... I agree I am not thinking rationally... it just hurts so much...

[amicon]

On the other side of the pain you ll be whole.NC double quick and start your own journey.

[Justwantfair]

I don't see the benefit to counseling a break up. Neither of you are 100% about wanting to work out your relationship together. A break up seems destined, yet you are holding out for a counseling appointment, with no room for progress. Cancel the appointment or attend by yourself. It's time to start healing, right now you are still clinging and hoping, but staying in her life will not keep her in yours.

[The Captain]

I don't see the benefit to counseling a break up. Neither of you are 100% about wanting to work out your relationship together. A break up seems destined, yet you are holding out for a counseling appointment, with no room for progress. Cancel the appointment or attend by yourself. It's time to start healing, right now you are still clinging and hoping, but staying in her life will not keep her in yours.

I'm not disagreeing with you... it might just make me feel better... just to see her in a room for an hour with the councillor... maybe it might help me realise that it's not going to work... and I only want her back, because I have lost her... I don't know... honestly... but it will all be sorted out by tomorrow...

[The Captain]

on the other side of the pain you ll be whole.NC double quick and start your own journey.

I know once the pain goes it will be much better... I know... I also know I will have some bad moments in that period... thankfully London is a big city... we live in the same area... but I can avoid her by going to work maybe 10 minutes earlier etc... I will have to change my gym too... apart from that it's unlikely for me to bump into her...


On another note... why does she still have her things in my flat... I assume that she is scared of a total cut off... but you guys will no doubt give me the correct answer.

[Justwantfair]

I'm not disagreeing with you.....it might just make me feel better.....just to see her in a room for an hour with the councillor......maybe it might help me realise that it's not going to work...and I only want her back, because I have lost her.....I don't know....honestly....but it will all be sorted out by tomorrow......

Keep in mind this comment, when you stop by the site tomorrow.
The reason no contact works is because delaying the pain only makes moving on and healing that much harder.
Tomorrow appointment will just give you a new wound to heal... it's like picking off that scab.
It's a painful process, hopeful this truly is your last dreaming 24 hours because you have a reality to face.
We are all here when you need that swift kick. ;)
We have training courses on them. :p

[The Captain]

Keep in mind this comment, when you stop by the site tomorrow.
The reason no contact works is because delaying the pain only makes moving on and healing that much harder.
Tommorrow appointment will just give you a new wound to heal... it's like picking off that scab.
It's a painful process, hopeful this truly is your last dreaming 24 hours because you have a reality to face.
We are all here when you need that swift kick. ;)
We have training courses on them. :p

Thank you... incredible in 35 years of life... though fortunately my life has not been a hard one... I have never experienced anything like this... but then I suppose this is nothing compared to tragies people deal with every day... just have to be grateful...
Hope to have some news for you guys in coming days...

[amicon]

All my very best wishes to you from north yorkshire.

[The Captain]

An update... about to go to bed... just thought I would get some stuff off my chest.
Well... what a day and a half...
She called me last night... asked if I wanted to come and eat with her... I initially declined... later I called and said OK... and went there... managed to eat a little... but I wanted to talk before the councillor...
We talked, I concentrated on all the good things from our relationship... trying to warm her... which worked a little, but then when I asked the question... why don't you come back to me... the answer was... I can't come back! I was getting a little fed up with all the negativity... I then said what is the point of going to the councillor... she says.. it's mainly for you... so I got annoyed with that answer.. and cancelled it by text... it got very emotional on Friday night. I basically said, that there is no point in us seeing each other... which got her sad... what's the point... I finally plucked up the courage to say goodbye forever... and went to hug her... and it was the most emotional 60 seconds... we both cried like babies... and because of this, I felt that there is some hope... so I did not leave... we talked more... but then she came back with the usual "I'm not ready now.....I can't come back"... I left in anger... switched my phone off. This morning, I ignored her call to my landline and her message was "....pick up please....pick up please"... I decided to go to my aunt's for a few hours and talked with them for a couple of hours. They advised me to switch my phone on... I text her and she called saying she was sad, worried about me and was in my flat looking for me... I joined her for the rest of the day... lots of talking, lots of emotion... seeing her tomorrow (Sunday)... the talk was similar to previous days, but I think she is not convinced... she just wants some space.. but still wants to see me in the meantime...

A lot of people will think I am mad... but I am clinging and I think I'm getting there... she does not want to let go... she is not 100% sure of what she wants... just keeping my fingers crossed... when I asked her again... she said that she thinks she will come back... but not now... my family and friends think she is making me suffer like this, so I behave myself better... don't take her for granted etc... it could all change tomorrow... will keep everyone informed.

[amicon]

Please do NC you can't stay on this emotional roller coaster forever.

[The Captain]

About to go an meet her... for the day
She called this morning...
We chatted...
I joked... have you woken up and suddenly decided you want to try again...
The crux of the matter is she wants to decide in her mind, whether she wants a relationship or to be single...
This morning (don't forget she is strange in her thoughts) she said, how about we try again... but if I feel in a few weeks that this is not what I want, then we move on...

I initially said no... but what do you guys think...
I understand the NC... but now is not the time... she is also clinging on and is not sure... she made the decision when on holiday, surrounded by family and friends... now she is back to the daily grind that I was always a part of...
Part of me is thinking that I should say yes... then romance her in the way that I always did... and maybe she will fall in love again... but then the risk is that she might not be into it 100% etc... which will not be very productive?
Thanks for listening

[amicon]

I went back to my ex three times until I finally left him.I should not have gone back after the first break.all I did was to drag the pain out.

[talaniman]

She is ding this because you are pressuring her. That will not work. But pay the consequences of selfish impulsive actions, that have already caused enough misery, and pain.

Nothing wrong with getting more of the same, if that's what it takes for you to learn.

[amicon]

Sadly there are some things that should not be fixed.do you want to be doing this in 6 months time? A year?next decade?let it go.