[talaniman]

You both have your issues, and are finding it hard to work together. Honestly, you don't sound that compatible.

No shame in that, and counseling may help you learn about each other, and how to deal with each other if your both willing.

What disturbs me more than anything, is my suspicion that your in this because your avoiding boredom, or loneliness. I don't think you'll ever pay enough attention to her, when you have such a selfish need to be with someone for the wrong reasons.

[getyourexback]

I have just read this.....amazing when something happens, you google for advice etc.....
she said that something has changed and she does not love me to the same extent.

She just gave you a very valuable clue.

This person you have become is not the one she fell in love with, but you can't get that old person back... Why?

Because that guy wasn't happy either... understand?

You are in the midst of a personal evolution but if you don't grab control of it, it will continue to go in the wrong direction.

You have to stop chasing her and properly initiate no contact, you're only driving her farther away.

The counselor might've been a good idea when the problems started, but now you need to get yourself in order first before trying to start a "new" relationship with her, understand?

I suggest you use the no contact rule to not only start to pull her back towards you, but to give you the time you need to evolve.

The problem here is you are trying to rush the evolution and hold on to her at the same time... but you can't.

You have to let her go for now (using NC) and follow a good plan to help you evolve and heal to prepare for the reconnection stage.

Once you start the reconnection stage, if necessary at that point this would be a good time to introduce the counseling... make sense?

If you want more information about NC and my free step by step plan... let me know, OK?

[The Captain]

You both have your issues, and are finding it hard to work together. Honestly, you don't sound that compatible.

No shame in that, and counseling may help you learn about each other, and how to deal with each other if your both willing.

What disturbs me more than anything, is my suspicion that your in this because your avoiding boredom, or loneliness. I don't think you'll ever pay enough attention to her, when you have such a selfish need to be with someone for the wrong reasons.

I think you are right to a certain extent... I'm trying to think about this all the time... we have been together for a long time... admittedly, I met her in May 2006, a few months after splitting with my ex of 2 years (long distance)... we went out a few times... but I did not pursue, as I was not ready to date again... anyhow she got in contact in September and we dates some more... more of a fling... and then in December I asked her to date properly... it may have been boredom initially, but we really were very happy for the best part of 9 months... and then we split back and happy for the best part of 1 year... so there is happiness there...

I saw her for dinner last night, and we talked... I really have no idea what I am doing... as I do love her and miss her, but do I miss the fact that I am now living alone and not used to it... if I continue like this, there is a small chance she will come back... but am I doing it for the right reasons... I am really not sure... am I doing it because I am being selfish and not want anyone to have her etc...

This is really hard... as I can see that if we get back together, I will have to compromise what I have failed to do in the past for it to work... I probably will initially, but then it becomes more difficult.

Please don't think I am an idiot or a weirdo... I really am normal ( I think)... decent job, decent lifestyle, friends, familly etc... just not great with realtionships... all my life I have socialised, dated many girls, had a lot of fun... never thought I would settle down so quickly... but she took my breath away... (eventually)... and she has kept me happy for a long time...

[The Captain]

She just gave you a very valuable clue.

This person you have become is not the one she fell in love with, but you can't get that old person back...Why?

Because that guy wasn't happy either...understand?

You are in the midst of a personal evolution but if you don't grab control of it, it will continue to go in the wrong direction.

You have to stop chasing her and properly initiate no contact, you're only driving her farther away.

The counselor might've been a good idea when the problems started, but now you need to get yourself in order first before trying to start a "new" relationship with her, understand?

I suggest you use the no contact rule to not only start to pull her back towards you, but to give you the time you need to evolve.

The problem here is you are trying to rush the evolution and hold on to her at the same time...but you can't.

You have to let her go for now (using NC) and follow a good plan to help you evolve and heal to prepare for the reconnection stage.

Once you start the reconnection stage, if necessary at that point this would be a good time to introduce the counseling...make sense?

If you want more information about NC and my free step by step plan...let me know, OK?

Going to read the No contact stuff... my idea or stupidity is that I feel if she sees me, then she will fall for me again... I feel that being in contact (in a subtle way) may help... having no contact would mean it is completely out of my hands... I 'll have a read now!

Thanks

[kctiger]

Going to read the No contact stuff......my idea or stupidity is that I feel if she sees me, then she will fall for me again.....I feel that being in contact (in a subtle way) may help......having no contact would mean it is completely out of my hands......I 'll have a read now!

Thanks

You will have to forgive some posters as the advise for their own personal gain and fortune. Not I, however.

I seem to think you need to work on issues core to you and not worry about a female who has made it clear for now, at least, that she doesn't want to be with you. You don't really know what you want, you just know you don't want to be alone. Well, there is a clear difference and fine line between being alone and being lonely. Which are you? Being lonely forces a decision based upon emotions that can only be satisfied for a period.

[The Captain]

You will have to forgive some posters as the advise for their own personal gain and fortune. Not I, however.

I seem to think you need to work on issues core to you and not worry about a female who has made it clear for now, at least, that she doesn't want to be with you.

She does not want to be with me... ok... but why is she still communicating... she still has her stuff in my flat and has not asked me to drop them off... we went for dinner last night, and it was decent... in the sense that she saw a different me... no more emotions, no more begging... she still has feelings, and I think she is not 100% sure... however I am not 100% sure either... so yes I need to work on what I want... but how do I do that... I have been thinking long & hard...

While she has been away, I have been out to bars/clubs... and I was not in the mood... How do I find out what I want... it's a stupid question... but I really don't know... if we get back... how can I make sure the same issues will not arise?

[kctiger]

Trying to work out issues you have with yourself while still being involved with the person these issues surround is like having unprotected sex while trying not to get an STD.

[amicon]

I think you need to be captain of your own ship for a while.you might want to NC and find out who you are and what you want.

[talaniman]

The Captain; She does not want to be with me... ok... but why is she still communicating... she still has her stuff in my flat and has not asked me to drop them off...

Because your own confusion and false hope has allowed it. You have yet to take a stand or use your opportunities to communicate and identify your issues or seek resolutions to them. You date in limbo and hope she comes back to you. That's a recipe for chaos, drama, and as you have seen, confusion.

we went for dinner last night, and it was decent... in the sense that she saw a different me... no more emotions, no more begging... she still has feelings, and I think she is not 100% sure... however I am not 100% sure either..

How can you build if you don't know how, or why?? That's what NC is about, not getting an ex back, but getting yourself back. Keeping hope alive in this relationship is nothing more it seems to me, than about you not being alone. Instead of building your own character, and find what makes you happy, you depend on her for that, and that will never work for either of you.

so yes I need to work on what I want... but how do I do that... I have been thinking long & hard...

By being alone, and building a life that you enjoy without her. That will give you something to SHARE, and not get from a partner. See the difference?

While she has been away, I have been out to bars/clubs... and I was not in the mood... How do I find out what I want... it's a stupid question... but I really don't know...

Again your looking for something that's found only within you, not around you. Until you look inward for your solutions, you will always be LOST.

If we get back... how can i make sure the same issues will not arise?

That's a ways away, as the job is to work on you. Even though your seeing each other, your trying to impress her, and not communicate with her. AFTER dinner would be perfect for a meeting of the minds, and iron things out through honest expressions of your feelings. If a resolution is not forthcoming, and she is not WILLING TO COMPROMISE, and work with you. Its up to you, not her to deliver her stuff, and back away from this situation. That's the only way to gain the proper perspective on what your own actions have led to, and the adjustments necessary to improve yourself, and your life, with or without her. Those are the tough choices we humans make for ourselves.

The reason I see for you going NC, is not for her to call you, but for you to get your act together and not need someone to relieve your loneliness. You can't build a solid, healthy relationship on your own needs.

I don't care what other posters say about getting an ex back, that's hype and BS. The main goal is to be happy and healthy by yourself, and having a partner who is the same way. Neither of you is ready for a mature adult relationship yet, and will never be until some maturity and skills are developed through personal growth.

[zippit]

Personally, I think some here advise a no-contact too soon, its real popular advice, on relationship threads. Some OP are clearly needing complete NC, I just can't see it, where there's already a separation, so what harm is it to meet on occasion, and talk about things?

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rant(?)

Personally, I think some here advise a no-contact too soon, its real popular advice, on relationship threads. Some OP are clearly needing complete NC, I just can't see it, where theres already a separation, so what harm is it to meet on occasion, and talk about things?

It seems to me that if a couple can work things out, they wouldn't need advice after a break, or break up. What happens to those who post here, and other sites, is they are asking for an ex back, or how to move on. For sure there are many who deal with it and even end up as friends or back together.

My whole point is to at least get to a point your emotionally stable to make good decisions for yourself. If after the emotional shock wears off, and you have a clear head about yourself, you can do whatever you think is best for yourself, and handle your business.

That's just me though, and what does an old guy like me know about what's in the heart of young people? :eek:

[amicon]

This makes a lot of sense.my own break up means I'm having to find out who I am and what I want. The entity that was the relationship s no more.

[The Captain]

Talaniman Rant(?)


It seems to me that if a couple can work things out, they wouldn't need advice after a break, or break up. What happens to those who post here, and other sites, is they are asking for an ex back, or how to move on. For sure there are many who deal with it and even end up as friends or back together.

My whole point is to at least get to a point your emotionally stable to make good decisions for yourself. If after the emotional shock wears off, and you have a clear head about yourself, you can do whatever you think is best for yourself, and handle your business.

Thats just me though, and what does an old guy like me know about whats in the heart of young people? :eek:

Well an update...

We went to the gym together, then took her grocery shopping and she then offered to cook dinner... as I am not eating much, she thought it would help to eat with her... we actually talk a lot... it's so brutal to hear all the stuff that I did wrong... in hindsight I don't know why I behaved like that... don't get me wrong... it's not cheating, being rude, nasty abusive etc... it's things like... do I have to come out with you and your friends... or I am going to see my friends, it's just boys, you would not feel comfortable... it's silly stuff... but I suppose I said these things for a reason... will I say them in the future... possibly...

Anyway... it's amazing, we still look at each other and there is a lot of warmth and feelings...

In a way, she is also finding it difficult to let go... I agree with the NC bit... I really do... but this may be is ideal when the girlfriend says she wants a break etc... my girlfriend is confused, but still wants to see me... probably to do with the fact that she does not have many friends, her familly are not here etc...

Anyway we are seeing the councillor one more time on Saturday... should be more constructive as I am no longer emotional...

End of the day... I hear all your advice... and perhaps this is not what I want... but I just can't let go for now... I feel while there is contact, there is a chance... perhaps the real pain will come when I realise that it's totally over...

[The Captain]

Well another update...

Some days are good some are bad... I have not started NC yet... because I'm due to see the councillor with her tomorrow... I think tomorrow will be the day where I begin the process... I have deleted all her e-mails, as they are too painful to read... closed my Facebook account...

We spoke last night... it's bizarre... she is a sensitive girl, she basically feels that right now she does not want to try again... she may do in the future (I appreciate that's a nice way of putting it, but it's a no), I have hurt her too much, and I only realise when it's too late... anyhow she however wants to break-up slowly... as she feels that after 3 years, it's not nice to do it suddenly?? It's probably for her own self-preservation... however, I need to think of myself... and I think after tomorrow (last chance saloon as they say), I will have to do NC...

At present she's worried for me, as I'm not eating (just a little)... have lost 5kgs in the past couple of weeks... I'm not eating because I want to hurt myself... I just don't have the urge to eat... I'm probably eating 1/2 of what I would eat in a normal day... I'm not someone who contemplates doing stupid things... it's just the pain is so intense... I'm going to work every day, as at least I am busy, and my day goes quicker...

The real pain is when you know you could have avoided this... and now it's too late. I'm actually embarrassed, I'm 35 years old... and I am behaving like a baby... it's as if I have lost the will to do anything...

[amicon]

All your emotions are normal.try to eat right.breaking up s tough horrible but there s light at the end of the tunnel.think of you and your own needs

[The Captain]

all your emotions are normal.try to eat right.breaking up s tough horrible but there s light at the end of the tunnel.think of you and your own needs

This morning, I got an e-mail:

"I feel really down today...
I hope I am not making the biggest mistake of my life...
Have you eaten anything? Please please please do it for me...
If it helps we can eat together tonight.. I don't want to see you like this.
What are you having for lunch?

I have not replied yet... I am trying to be a realist here... but if you feel like you might be making a big mistake, why do it... try again and if it does not work, then at least you have tried... probably giving myself false hope... but I can't go on like this... by being in contact, I feel I'm helping her get over me... hence I think tomorrow after the councillor I will tell her that we should cut...

[amicon]

By being in contact I think you both stay confused about what you really want.its seems to me you are both too upset to think clearly.

[Starry nights]

This morning, I got an e-mail:

"I feel really down today...
I hope I am not making the biggest mistake of my life...
Have you eaten anything ?? Please please please do it for me....
if it helps we can eat together tonight..I don't want to see you like this.
What are you having for lunch?

I have not replied yet.......I am trying to be a realist here....but if you feel like you might be making a big mistake, why do it....try again and if it does not work, then at least you have tried......probably giving myself false hope......but I can't go on like this....by being in contact, I feel I'm helping her get over me.....hence I think tomorrow after the councillor I will tell her that we should cut.......

Someone said it before and maybe you need to hear it again.You are the one who needs to figure out what you want.Your history shows quite a bit of going back and forth on your efforts at making this relationship work yet you can't accept your girlfriend's wish to stay away from you and rebuild her life.

You say its all your fault yet somewhere I can't help suspecting that you are saying all that more out of self-pity and to arouse sympathy than actually facing up to your actions and wanting to improve yourself.

You are still measuring her/weighing her words critically/assessing how she's talking/behaving with you while just letting yourself off a bit easily saying you are emotional,overwhelmed,immature.As an outsider, her e-mail sounds perfectly normal,balanced and sensible to me.She was in a relationship with you for 3 yrs,so she obviously is concerned that you are not eating and not keeping well.You should appreciate her help in trying to bring you back on track,instead of blaming her for wanting out.

She's even agreed to go for counselling with you,after all the pain she must have felt from your words and actions.

I am sorry if I sound harsh but sometimes when emotions cloud one's judgement,the best help one can give them is straight talk.

So go ahead with the counselling,make the most of it,not as a means of getting her back or getting even with her,or even arousing her sympathy,but as a way to really grow as a human being and learn about yourself.

All the best.

[kctiger]

Seems to me like each of you is delaying the inevitable. Having dinner with each other isn't a very good option. You both need to realize this is a break up and as a break up, you need to quit talking to each other. That is what happens. You don't just break up "slowly." That isn't fair to either of you. You both need to quit talking and quit doing things together as it does nothing but fuel a fire that is clearly not going to burn anytime in the near future.

I'm sorry but the session tomorrow and the eating together is an absolute waste of time. This is life, this is how break ups work, they are sudden and they need to be that way for reality to hit.

[The Captain]

Someone said it before and maybe you need to hear it again.You are the one who needs to figure out what you want.Your history shows quite a bit of going back and forth on your efforts at making this relationship work yet you can't accept your girlfriend's wish to stay away from you and rebuild her life.

You say its all your fault yet somewhere I can't help suspecting that you are saying all that more out of self-pity and to arouse sympathy than actually facing upto your actions and wanting to improve yourself.

You are still measuring her/weighing her words critically/assessing how she's talking/behaving with you while just letting yourself off a bit easily saying you are emotional,overwhelmed,immature.As an outsider, her e-mail sounds perfectly normal,balanced and sensible to me.She was in a relationship with you for 3 yrs,so she obviously is concerned that you are not eating and not keeping well.You should appreciate her help in trying to bring you back on track,instead of blaming her for wanting out.

She's even agreed to go for counselling with you,after all the pain she must have felt from your words and actions.

I am sorry if I sound harsh but sometimes when emotions cloud one's judgement,the best help one can give them is straight talk.

So go ahead with the counselling,make the most of it,not as a means of getting her back or getting even with her,or even arousing her sympathy,but as a way to really grow as a human being and learn about yourself.

All the best.

You are right to a certain extent... I put down "It's all my fault" in the title, as it is just that... It's not for self-pity... I am angry and annoyed at myself... yes we had arguments and were not getting along... my mistake was that she went on holiday, I was due to go and see her after a week... I did not (stupid, listening to others etc... ) she then stayed an extra week... her mum and family kept her warm and she made a decision...
Perhaps I would have gone to visit her and we would have been fine on holiday as we always are and then back to reality and more issues... who knows... that regret and the fact that I was not a good boyfriend to her I regret massively... but it's done.

Yes she is concerned... but I want her back, it's as simple as that... however I know it's going to be near impossible... as I want her to come back because she wants to come back... I know if I spend a week with her... it will be fine... when we see each other you can feel the emotion, the intensity... she knows this and wants to avoid it...

I know myself... I know why I made the mistakes I did, and I know that I can avoid them in future... however to be frank... if I tell her the reasons... she will not come back...

I'm not eating (excuse the double negative) because I want her to feel pity etc... I genuinely can't... I will get over this... by cutting contact... the real fear I have is seeing her with someone else... as then there probably is no coming back, even if she realises for herself that the feelings she had with me, she can't have with anyone else...

You can work on problems, you can improve bad traits etc... you can't work on feelings... it's either there or it's not... I have been out with many many girls... for me it's all about feelings and with her, it's the ultimate...

I will do the councilling... last time, I had no excuse to any of the issues raised... I thought it would help me... but it made me see all my wrong doings... hard to take...