[wewed100606]

My wife and I are trying to get over an affair that happened before our marriage. We have been dealing with it for about 6 months now. I feel that the first four to five months of "dealing with it" were used in an unhealthy manner. These months were basically argueing and her going out and doing whatever she wanted whenever she wanted so she could "figure out what she wanted". The last month or so we have started counselling, independently because she is not comfortable going to couples therapy yet. Things seem to be better on a day to day level as far as getting along and there aren't nearly as many arguments. She says she doesn't want to work on us anymore and she is tired of it. She says she doesn't love me anymore and that I have no idea what I have done to her. She say she would be better off alone and maybe isn't meant to be married. If she would've known about this she would've never married me. I really believed for a long time she was saying these things out of anger more than that they were her true feelings, but lately it is getting tough.

I want to keep giving it time, because she has always been one of those people who hangs onto things a bit longer than others. I just do not want to damage our parenting relationship. Whatever happens we have two beautiful children (9 months and 5 years) that we both love like crazy.

I think I am starting to run out of faith, but I know it can be restored with some positive examples from people. I read all over that people take months and years to get back to where they were after such a thing. I am willing to give it whatever it takes, because I have nowhere I would rather be... good times or bad. I hope she is too.

I have read all kinds of advice as far as when it is time to call a marriage quits. I just want to know everyone else's take. I am from the school where a marriage is sacred and vows are taken and no one should give up unless there is abuse. But I don't want to have my wife live an unhappy life if she can't push through this with me. Any advice, words of wisdom, past experience, thoughts, support... anything... I just want some words from people that are not my family and friends, or hers. Unbiased opinions on what marriage is and how long you should work should things turn less than favorable.


Thanks ahead of time!

[Marriedguy]

The situation is harsh... wewed. You sound like a guy that made a terrible mistake. Truthfully, the answer is she may never get over it or forget it. What you want from her is her forgiveness.

Let her hurt.

One of the issues that caught my eye was that you argue for a couple of months. Arguments are two way. I'm assuming 1) the arguments are about her bringing up the cheating and you argue that she should keep bringing it up. 2) Due to the lack of trust she assume every minute of the day you are cheating.

Do I think she should keep throwing this in your face? No! It is not healthy for someone to keep point out there mistakes.

Do you have to put up with this? Absolutely if you want to be save you marriage.

She does not have to drop it although it would be better situation if she did. Don't ever tell her to drop it or ask how many times she is going to bring it up. These comments are dismissive. Let her express her pain and your job has a husband is to comfort her. Tell her that you love her and sorry you hurt her.

This is part of her healing process she needs to be angry and upset but more importantly you need to be there for her.


Help her heal.

The foundation to every relationship is trust. During this affair everything appeared to be normal to her and she trusted you. This affair was uncovered that rocked her foundation so you need to strengthen that foundation. There needs to be a dramatic change in your behavior. Is the woman that you had the affair with a co-worker? If she was then you need to transfer or look for another job. Does she go to the same gym? If so switch gyms.

You have to become a better husband. If you are one of these guys that like to hang out after work stop. If you still have your little black book throw it away. Make sure your cell phone does not have telephone numbers that belong to other woman with the exception of family members that is the same with e-mail addresses. Change your telephone numbers. Don't turn off you cell phone when you come home. In fact when it rings sometime ask her to answer it for you. Actions speak louder than words.

Be a better father play with the kids more, take them out allow her sometime for herself.