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Bubba23 · Mar 18, 2018, 12:33 PM

I was dating my ex for little over a year and I find out after the breakup that she has been cheating. She broke up with me and out of the blue she calls me crying and apologizing. What I don't understand is why would she do it if she knew I had trust issues and it took forever for me to trust and finally date her? Why feed me all this false hope if she knew she wasn't serious?

teacherjenn4 · Mar 18, 2018, 01:47 PM

I’m sorry that she hurt you again. I hope you learned your lesson and are ready to move on with your life. I firmly believe that cheaters won’t change. Don’t you deserve better?

talaniman · Mar 18, 2018, 02:47 PM

Sorry but she doesn't care about you, or your issues, just herself. Some people are like that. You just picked a rotten apple.

smoothy · Mar 18, 2018, 04:52 PM

They are an an ex for a reason... keep them that way.

Alty · Mar 18, 2018, 07:20 PM

You asked why she would do that when she knew you had trust issues. Why? Because she doesn't care enough about you or your issues. She wanted to date you, but she didn't love you and didn't care about you. A person that cheats on you is telling you loud and clear that you don't mean enough to them to keep them from hurting you. A person that loves you, and cares about you, would never ever hurt you intentionally, and cheating is very intentional.

Don't let this one dud keep you from finding love. Find someone that cares about you, someone that loves you, someone that would never ever hurt you.

joypulv · Mar 19, 2018, 03:29 AM

You are part of every relationship, especially true when the same things happen more than once. You have trust issues because you CHOOSE untrustworthy people! Where do you meet them, how well do you get to really know them?
Then, just to compound the problems, do you tend to allow your past to run your present by being jealous and possessive? That can drive people into someone else's arms in a heartbeat.

YOU are the one who has to look within, and teach yourself all the little ways to develop slow trust. All trust MUST be grown slowly.

Bubba23 · Mar 20, 2018, 03:32 AM

Once we started dating she gained my trust. I was never jealous and possessive. The last thing she said to me was I deserve someone better but if I ever decided I wanted her back she would say yes in a heartbeat. She also said she messed up by trying to deal with her issues by herself instead of asking for help.

talaniman · Mar 20, 2018, 04:24 AM

Thanks for your response, it helps a lot, as I have to as, how well and how long had you known her before you started dating? How old are you both or are your ages revealed in your username? How long did you date before you broke up? I ask because most people think they are an exclusive item after a few dates and just jump into a thing with a lot of assumptions but no grasp on who a person is and only see who they want to see.

Exactly what did she do to gain your trust or is it you wanted to trust her completely? How long before you slept together? How did she cheat on you? I know personal, but a very important detail. Why do you have trust issues, and what are HER issues... besides the "cheating".

Just trying to get a clearer picture of your statements, since there was no question, which is not very typical of posters who come here, and are heart broken. Are you seeking a way to give her a second chance to repair your broken trust? Or are you done and just want to move on? Obviously guy your trust issues can't be manageable after this event.

NO?

Bubba23 · Mar 20, 2018, 05:35 AM

I started trusting her because I she constantly reassured me that she won't be like my last ex who cheated. We were talking for about a year before we started dating and it was about 5 months in when we slept together. She says she wanted to be normal, I guess she figured I was getting tired of hearing her complain which I wasn't. She's going through a lot when it comes to her family and friends and I was the one she used to talk to. Also whatever she was feeling she didn't know how to put it into words and tried to fix it herself.
At this point I don't really know what to do, I'm still not completely over her but I have been doing my best to move on. She apologized several times which seems genuine. I'm 24 and she's 20.

talaniman · Mar 20, 2018, 06:25 AM

I feel you that you may not know what to do, so maybe doing nothing until you figure that out is a suggestion. At least you deserve the time to let the dust settle and get your emotions and feelings under control without her influence wearing you down. That would be honest and fair to you both. How long has she been an ex?

Bubba23 · Mar 20, 2018, 07:54 AM

It's about 6 months. Every couple months she'd let me know she's sorry but this time is when she told me all of this. From what her friends tell me she seems lost, she just keeps to herself.

smoothy · Mar 20, 2018, 08:32 AM

Me, personally... when I decided to dump someone... I never backpedaled, I have had a couple try the same stuff, but as far as I was concerned, I made my choice (and was never on a whim) and rehashing the same stuff over and over was a waste of my time, and I couldn't move towards the future if I was stuck in the past.

To each their own... but time you waste hashing and rehashing over and over is time you'll never get back. If you have kids together then it might be different depending on the exact issues.. but without kids? Just say this didn't work out and move along in life. Don't hold grudges, don't seek revenge... just be glad you identified an issue that couldn't be resolved and move on.

Lot of things you will never get satisfactory answers to. Accept them at face value and spend your time on more positive things, and leave these behind.

talaniman · Mar 20, 2018, 08:48 AM

For whatever reason this experiment in love and romance didn't work, let it go! Learn and move on is what I think I would do, as after 6 months you are still on the fence, scared to cut the cord permanently, or take the plunge back in, then every indication is this is about you and your own healing, so you can unpack your own baggage, and let her do the same. There is always a risk in any interaction to get hurt, and disappointed and this is a great time to work on you, and (re)building a life that you enjoy without her, and HER ISSUES. To have a healthy relationship with anyone and yourself you must first be healthy yourself.

I know first hand break ups can be so devastating but you seem to have made up your mind you want to move on, from what you wrote, so stop looking back. Why risk your heart, dignity and self respect hoping she learned a lesson and won't cheat again? Too many options and opportunities for a healthy person to find happiness for that. Leaving her alone, and being a lot less available, and maybe more honest with her, and yourself, may go along way in helping with your healing, and figuring out how to deal with your trust issues.

Time usually tells if the right or best decision was made, so just make up your mind which way you want to go and go. Let me break that down a bit. The absence of trust is FEAR, so deal with your FEARS. So let me ask what exactly are you afraid of and WHY? Most of us have had bad experiences with love, dating, and romance, to have a great fear of that experience repeating itself, or we have had traumatic experiences in other areas of our lives that bred fear into all areas.

Which are you? If not abuse, divorce or other trauma, then maybe you haven't healed from the last cheating girlfriend, and the question becomes how long ago was that?

Please feel free to clarify any assumptions I have made, or just tell me I'm wrong.

Bubba23 · Mar 21, 2018, 04:19 AM

I've gotten over my last ex cheating. My issue is that this girl wanted me for so long and the fact that she messed up makes me question was she serious or was it all a game to her. I want to believe her apology because she's not the type to admit her faults and apologize the way she did. I want to trust her but I don't think I will ever be able to and I don't want to be the guy that's constantly questioning her and checking her phone.

talaniman · Mar 21, 2018, 05:32 AM

Put this tangled mess of a failed romantic experiment behind you, and get healthy and ready for the next big event. Be grateful for the good times, and learn from the bad ones. It can take YEARS to be able to trust this person again, and expecting her to change over night is not realistic and the fact you have no control over her or her issues is just REAL. So you see her intentions, and wants no longer have anything to do with you, and you have seen enough to know what to expect if you go back.

Look forward and put this behind you, and don't look back, don't dwell, and don't second guess yourself. The risk is too great, and the reward is minimal. You were wise to end it, and avoid what you could become if you continue this line of thinking with THIS female.

Of course we miss people we have sex with, and grow to care about, and it doesn't take long to feel like they are the one, but geez guy, she ain't it. You say your over it, but clearly your NOT, and cheating is a big deal to you, so act accordingly. Oh wait... YOU DID that part. You just have not completely let it go yet. Do you have a life that you enjoy yet? Do you have family friends and activities that makes you happy without her?

If not, why NOT?

Bubba23 · Mar 21, 2018, 05:46 AM

I've done everything to keep myself busy and that enjoy movies, sports, anything involving cars just to name a few. It's just this last apology made me doubt myself. If you're saying that she wants nothing to do with me then why would she say she would take me back in a heartbeat if I ever considered dating her again

talaniman · Mar 21, 2018, 06:49 AM

It's just this last apology made me doubt myself.

Cut the contact and be a lot less available to her apologies. Then maybe you can answer the obvious question of why her apology makes you doubt YOURSELF!

If you're saying that she wants nothing to do with me then why would she say she would take me back in a heartbeat if I ever considered dating her again

That's NOT what I am saying. Her motives, intentions wants, and needs, are totally irrelevant to me. THIS is what I wrote...

So you see her intentions, and wants no longer have anything to do with you, and you have seen enough to know what to expect if you go back.

Look forward and put this behind you, and don't look back, don't dwell, and don't second guess yourself.

Regrets are normal after a break up, for whatever reasons the break up happens, and I don't think you doubt yourself, just tempted to take her word again, which is also normal and has a name... FALSE HOPE. Continuing to talk to her feeds that false hope.

Read these STICKIES and get some good insights to the problem you are facing my young friend, and you will gain a lot of CLARITY to help you understand the NO CONTACT RULE. Lol, you are not the first one to have self doubt after a break up, and dealing with those feelings takes practice for sure. Heart break and disappointment... and FEAR leaves us vulnerable to the games that exes play.

Why have you NOT cut all contact and made yourself UNNAVAILABLE to her just for your own health and wellbeing? She hurt you and you should accept it and do what it takes to get healthy again. Or feel better. Anything less is half stepping, and you are feeling the consequences.

Oliver2011 · Mar 21, 2018, 10:24 AM

I didn't read the whole thing so excuse me if this has been said. She is your ex for a reason. Why spend time going backwards? Move forward with your life. Seems to me that this is wasted time. Just my opinion...

joypulv · Mar 21, 2018, 01:47 PM

''She says she wanted to be normal..''
I don't think I'm doing too much reading between the lines.
You are 24, very cautious and tentative and slow for a man in his 20s.
She's TWENTY, which can be worlds away from 24. She's still changing on a dime, hanging out with friends, some of them guys who she may be attracted to. All messed up with old issues in her life.
You strike me as maybe a quiet, kind of plodding guy in 20 year old terms, yet you are attracted to crowd loving and flighty girls who aren't really women yet.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I stand by position that this is a TREND on your part.
Twice is the beginning of a trend.
YOU need to work on YOU.

Vicd · Mar 27, 2018, 12:30 PM

Run, Fast... don't need it, don't want it, can't trust it. There are better girls out there for you. But you have to be able to stand tall and be ready to move on till you find the right one. To have trust in a relationship is everything.. true love can't survive without it. This goes both ways.. so don't expect anything more from her then you would expect of yourself.