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    Begun777's Avatar
    Begun777 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 17, 2011, 03:42 PM
    Seven year relationship having problems
    All right. I've been with my girlfriend for 7 years now. 5 years we lived in our parents houses and 2 years we lived together. I'm 28 and she is 25. We love each other and I don't think she ever cheated on me. From time we met she just started to going to college and I started a good union job.

    So we talked about our future and she was studying taking classes for medical or dental school. Why not. I have money and I was going to put her through school and pay for everything. Her loans food clothes cars anything she wanted. But during 4.5 years of her school she didn't work and only took 4 classes in semester and had a very bad GPA of 3.1 in science.

    Ok next she took tests after college to medical school after 8 months of studying she totally blew it. Then she studied again for 6 months for dental school admissions she blew it then another 6 moths same test she blew it then another 6 months she had the same grade she first taken it. I studied for that test myself for a month and I got a better score than her. 2.5 years just for a test and she failed it 4 times. It's driving me insane.

    What the hell this girl is doing? I begged her for a year just to get an office job which she got fired in 6 months. I pay for everything rent food clothes. Her dog which I got her. 1.5 years ago I asked her to marry me and gave her very expensive ring. And after I got upset at her for failing first test she gave it back to me 2 weeks before the test I proposed to her.

    And we been living since then together anyway and it's been hell for me. I do clean at home and I do both of our laundries and buy food and iron my clothes. She barely does something. Only cooks dinner when I come home and clean apartment just on the surface. All these 7 years I know her she sleeps till 12. And watches TV. She is a pretty girl and I'm not bad myself if I go party I can pick up any girl for sure.

    But anyway. She keeps saying that I want a doctor or a dentist for money that is not true I have money. All I want I tell her is a good life for us and our children and our parents when they need our help because they soon to retire and we have to help them. She doesn't listen to anything I say. What do I do? Because I love her too much. I want to break up though but it's hard.

    I mean this girl is nice to everyone everybody like her but when it comes to me she doesn't want to help me at all. She keeps her stuff as a mess and keeps her dishes in sink for days I don't even want to eat from them anymore. She can go to pharmacy school without any test or nursing school with easy test to get in but she doest want to. She wants to go to occupational therapy but it will be another 11 months until she gets into program and 3 years to complete if she completes it. I'll be 33 by time she finishes. I want kids already. I have to wait for 4 more years until she wakes up if she will. What do I do?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Oct 17, 2011, 04:43 PM
    Let her have some time to herself, to take care of herself and stop doing all the work she should be doing.

    You have taken care of her so long that she has no clue how to take care of herself, or what she has to do for herself. You have created this situation, now back up, and let her create herself.

    And stop talking about all that you do for her, nobody twisted your arm and made you do a damn thing. What do you want, a medal or something?

    You made this situation, she just goes along with it.
    Begun777's Avatar
    Begun777 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Oct 17, 2011, 05:13 PM
    I did back up for a year already. I stopped buying food and her clothes. I told her to take care of it. I told her to do laundry and clean in the house and wash dishes many times but she still don't do laundry and there's nothing to eat at home most of time. And still she leaves dirty dishes for a day or 2 I told her to take care of her dog and that's the only thing she does well.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #4

    Oct 17, 2011, 07:34 PM
    Since she was 18, and you 21, until the last two years, you both lived at eachother's parent's homes for seven years. That is a long time to get used to not growing up.

    I don't know what she expected when the two of you got your own place. It sounds like it started well with you landing a union job, and her wanting to get an advanced degree. But somehow, with taking too few courses, over a very long period, to me at least, it doesn't sound as though she is serious about getting an education. By now, she should have achieved an undergraduate degree.

    With failing with tests so many times why wouldn't she focus on a different route to train for another career in healthcare. There are many occupations she could get into, and then work part time on an advanced degree.

    The not pulling her weight at home is not right either. Nor is it okay for you to pay all the bills, and do the vast majority of the work. You work, and do housework too, she studies, and should have been doing her half.

    While you may not want to entertain the idea of breaking up with her, what else have you thought about. Couples counselling? Writing out some sort of agreement the two of you can agree on? A time limit for her to have a job and contribute to the house expenses?

    If she is unwilling to get serious about an education, and she is unwilling to get a job, and she is unwilling to take half the responsibility for the upkeep on your shared home, then you may not have many alternatives, without a good sit down talk. You are not being unreasonable, nor are you expecting too much. I think you've been extremely generous and patient.

    Any ideas to solve this problem?
    Begun777's Avatar
    Begun777 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Oct 18, 2011, 05:49 AM
    Jake2008. Thank u for response. I really don't understand her. I work 50 60 hours a week and I took same classes in different college on weekends and my gpa of masters degree is the same as hers 3.1 but I worked full time while in school and she didn't I wanted to prove her a point that she is lazy but she didn't get it. Couple counseling I don't know if that would help because. She gave me engagement ring back and she was asking for it back after couple of months and she been wanting to get married because other people around us are. But I told her the only way u get this ring back is if you passed the dental or medical school admission test. That was 1.5 years ago. And she didn't do it. I told her even if you won't a lottery of millions of dollars I wouldn't give a ring back I'm a guy with a principle. She can go to other proffession but it would take another 4 years for her to finish. I'll be 33 still no kids. Then she has to start working for a year or two to pay of her debt because I'm not paying for her school anymore no way. I'll be 35 by time I have kids that means another 6 Years of waiting and waiting until she wakes up and start realizing life.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #6

    Oct 18, 2011, 07:17 AM
    It sounds like working 50-60 hours a week, plus college on weekends, plus homework, isn't leaving much time for either of you to concentrate on the relationship.

    If she had already completed her education, you still wouldn't have much time together. I do think couples counselling is a good idea.

    Have you considered that she may never meet your expectations? And it seems that her not being up to your expectations, is somehow a matter of principle with you, and determines whether you will give her back your ring.

    Normally a ring is given out of love. It seems you are punishing her for not reaching goals that you set for her, or goals that she set for herself but cannot reach. Or both.

    Do you love her? If you do, what do you love about her. And if you do love her, can you accept that she may never reach your 'standards'? Have you considered that she may not be able to have children when and if the time comes?

    Couples counselling may help in seeing past the resentment you have at her 'failures', and see a person who, instead, has, despite her shortcomings, principles and qualities that have been overlooked. She may have a few things that might be easier to say to a therapist, rather than you directly as well. Perhaps she is feeling that being loved is conditional.

    You are both, in my opinion, needing some serious discussion to determine whether you both love each other to weather these storms, and regardless of who accomplishes what, you will remain a strong couple who can overcome and compromise to eachother's expectations.

    Honesty and acceptance of eachothers 'position', will have to ultimately lead to some changes, if your relationship is to survive. Marriage and children may not happen on a schedule, or one or the other may not happen at all. Much work needs to be done on the relationship itself, first.

    Begun777's Avatar
    Begun777 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Oct 18, 2011, 08:23 AM
    Jake2008. I finished school 2 years ago and I have time besides work for her since I have no kids. But conseling why? Why would she listen to another strange person but not me somebody who loves her and wishes all the best for her. She should listen to me and understand me. If she had a job like me and asked me to study and become a doctor I would in a heart beat I would finish and be a doctor already. If a girl showed me so much care and paid for my condo rent and my food and my clothes and did laundry for me and took me out every weekend and took me on vacations without me paying for anything at alll. I would do anything in this world for this girl and bought me a car (instead of a ring) which she gave back. I would show so much care for that girl it's not even explainable. But what does she do nothing. She can't even pass a stupid test. She can't make me breakfast or lunch to go she can't clean my clothes and she can't take care of me when I come home tired. I don't think consoling will help or anything will help
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #8

    Oct 18, 2011, 09:50 AM
    She should listen to me and understand me
    You haven't yet mentioned any understanding or insight into, why she does not 'listen to (only) you, and understand (only you) as opposed to a third party therapist.

    You have understated my whole point. Your expectations, and resulting disappointments with her not living up to what you expect, are ruining your relationship.

    I have only one dominant opinion of how things are, that have not yet reflected the person you are so frustrated and disappointed with. And, I have not seen any insight into how your significant other feels, thinks, or sees herself in this relationship. All that you have presented are to do witheither what you want, or what you expect.

    And that's fine. But, I see little compromise to your stance, and if you aren't willing to take a stab at counselling to allow your partner the opportunity to express her take on things, where do you expect the compromise is to come from. Give and take.

    I would love to hear her opinion on this relationship. There are always two sides.

    But, lacking that insight in your relationship itself, which has presented very well- from one perspective- it is impossible to offer any advice.

    Again, counselling may allow two people, with very different perspectives of what the problems are, to work through their differences. To me personally, it would be a shame that the relationship ended because there was not equal weight given to each parties' perspectives, concerns, thoughts, and feelings. It is simply a tool to help your relationship.

    But, bottom line here, with only one side of the story, I'm at a loss to further advise you.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    Oct 18, 2011, 10:31 AM
    Trying to build a life and family according to your plan and timetable will not work. Nor will building a relationship like a business arrangement will not work either.

    The plan probably looks great on paper, but it's a lot different in the real world, with real people, and you two may be great individuals, but working together as a couple, it's a lousy arrangement.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #10

    Oct 18, 2011, 03:10 PM
    At some point you have to decide if this is right.

    I haven't heard anything good from your posts. That isn't good.

    They say timing is everything. I agree.

    She isn't ready. Let her sort her agenda. And, yours.
    I wouldn't stay with complaints & resentment. That just escalates.

    I have an old friend splitting with his wife after 15+ years.
    Very similar situation. That never got resolved.

    Not every one is right for each other. Is this right?
    Do some soul searching.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #11

    Oct 21, 2011, 04:38 AM
    Sometimes its just about a girl that doesn't want to be w/you.

    For whatever reasons.

    The good thing is that you are rocking it. You just thought it was all for her.


    You first. Keep that up.

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