Self hamring behaviour?
I am just wondering if this is self harming behaviour at all? I have never thought I had an issue but now I work with people who self harm or are suicidal a lot. I actually cry when learning about this stuff and sometimes have to choke back tears when working with the people because I see so much potential in them.
I am 25 now but as a teen I used to bash my head against a wall repeatedly to get bruises, I would burn myself on hot road or touch a hit hair straightener (very occasionally). They would leav red marks and blister but would never scar. I would stab my leg with a pen but not deep- only the tip, so it would just bleed. I ended up with broken capillaries but no scars. I would also scrape my skin on my arms with a knife so it bled but was never a 'cut' and was never deep enough to scar. I would often go on 'quests' to suicide but would never actually do it. I was always too scared of how much I would hurt people or if I debilitated myself so much I lived but I couldn't do anything.
Anyway I stopped all that and at age 22 one night I had a few drinks and was frustrated and full og hate that I took 3 boxes of different otc sleeping pills and a box of painkillers with paracetamol and codeine. It was over 150 tabs altogether with 'depressant' qualities so I thought it would work! I also got a rope and tied it tightly around my neck so that my face turned purple, I went dizzy and passed out in bed. I woke up though the next morning. My blood vessels were all popped in my eyes and blood shot.
Was this just an attempt in vain or was that actually self harm or suicide? My intention at that point was to die. I was so depressed when I woke up! I wouldn't ever do anything again. I saw how much pain it brought my mum. But due to working with suicidal people now I tend to 'minimise' the attempts of overdose (mostly women) and worry more about the men that try to cut their wrists or throat...do you think I am just minimising because of my past attempt? Is it even an attempt considering people out there have horrific scars and I don't?!