Hi,

My mom has been treating me like for a long time now (about 2 years) she was always resentful and mean to me growing up because my dad favored me to make up for her behavior towards me. Which he doesn't dare do any more after years of her rath. I was a difficult baby (not sleeping through the night, refused milk... ect) my dad generally put up with things like this that my mom hated. I also was A.D.D. and took prescription pills for it that my mother forced me into. My Brothers and sisters all got straight A's and were on National honor society, while I struggled to gets C's. I know my mom had a lot of trouble with me because she always told me about it while I was growing up. She has called me a on multiple occasions in front of family and told me all the time when I was little how bad of a mother I was going to be myself. Now that I'm older and in college she yells at me every time I come home on the sole basis that I am coming home to visit or be in her house, but welcomes my sister home with open arms and even does her laundry while she is there. She didn't even name me. She let my older sister. I don't know what I did to deserve this. The things I gave examples of above are just small doses of the way she treats me. I finally told her the other day in a two hour long phone conversation how I felt, and she seamed to understand. But now the first time I have seen her since (two days later) she mad some smart remarks to me in front of people (family friends) (embarrassing) and I wonder why she even acted sympathetic at all. I hate her too. I want to cut ties with my family including my father and all siblings (except my only brother) but I am certain I do not have the finical means to do so. I am dying inside over this and I don't know what to do.I don't think that staying a part of my family is healthy anymore... Please help

I am so sorry for your pain. You don't deserve to be treated with anything other than love.

What I've noticed is that parents are harder on the children who remind them of themselves. Your mom is making the mistake of thinking that you and your life defines who she is. Ie: if you are struggling in school and a difficult child, it means she is a bad mom. But the other kids that have an easier time and behave "better," make her feel like she is a good mom.

You probably make your mom have to realize where she has inadequacies of her own, and she doesn't know how to deal with it.

Your mom doesn't hate you, she hates having to see in you, what she subconsciously hates about herself. Your mom is selfish, caring only about who she appears to be, when she is really alone and empty. When she puts you down, it makes her look smart, when she feels dumb.

If you need some help dealing with the pain and disappointment, you might want to try finding a support group where you can talk about what you're feeling. There are many free community resources available including groups like CODA (co-dependents anonymous). Even if you think you aren't co-dependent on anything/anyone, they teach really great life skills that can help you deal with your thoughts and feelings.

After you've moved passed the pain, try to look at how this experience has been a gift. This might sound crazy now, but there is always a gift. Your life purpose could have something to do with the lessons you've learned by having a horrible and hateful mother. You might end up having a positive impact in the lives of others that you wouldn't be able to give without going through all this pain.

I hope this helps. Take care.

Hi,

I am 24. :(:(My mom has been treating me like for a long time now (about 3 years) she was always resentful and mean to me growing up because my dad favored me to make up for her behavior towards me. Which he doesn't dare do any more after years of her rath. I was a difficult baby (not sleeping through the night, refused milk... ect) my dad generally put up with things like this that my mom hated. I also was A.D.D. and took prescription pills for it, that my mother forced me into. My Brother and sisters all got straight A's and were on National honor society, while I struggled to gets C's. I know my mom had a lot of trouble with me because she always told me about it while I was growing up. She has called me a bi*ch on multiple occasions in front of family (Christmas morning) and told me all the time when I was little how bad of a mother I was going to be myself. Now that I'm older and in college she yells at me every time I come home on the sole basis “that i am coming home to visit, or be in her house”, but welcomes my sister home with open arms and even does her laundry while she is there(she flipped out last time I brought my laundry basket home). She didn't even name me. She let my older sister. I don't know what I did to deserve this. The last 2 thanksgivings I have not shown up to due to a fight with her the night before. She kicks me out and sends me to my grandmas. Then expects me to show up the next day like nothing happens (I don’t show up). She grew up with 5 siblings and tells me how mean she was to one sister and never can forgive herself. My other aunt was visiting the other day and told me about that as well. She does the same thing to me. Her sister may forgive her, but I won’t anymore. The things I gave examples of above are just small doses of the way she treats me. I finally told her last year two hour-long phone conversation how I felt, and she seemed to understand. But now she is back to her old ways. Baiting me so I snap on her and then she kicks me out. I hate her too. I want to cut ties with my mother, but I am certain I do not have the finical means to do so. I am dying inside over this and I don’t know what to do. I don't think maintain any relationship with her is healthy anymore... Please help.

*My 15 year old brother told me to stop trying with her and to accept that things will not be the same for me as it is for my siblings. He thinks she treats me poorly and says to stop putting myself threw this over and over.

Hi,

My mom has been treating me like for a long time now (about 3 years) she was always resentful and mean to me growing up because my dad favored me to make up for her behavior towards me. Which he doesn't dare do any more after years of her rath. I was a difficult baby (not sleeping through the night, refused milk... ect) my dad generally put up with things like this that my mom hated. I also was A.D.D. and took prescription pills for it, that my mother forced me into. My Brother and sisters all got straight A's and were on National honor society, while I struggled to gets C's. I know my mom had a lot of trouble with me because she always told me about it while I was growing up. She has called me a bi*ch on multiple occasions in front of family (Christmas morning) and told me all the time when I was little how bad of a mother I was going to be myself. Now that I'm older and in college she yells at me every time I come home on the sole basis “that i am coming home to visit, or be in her house”, but welcomes my sister home with open arms and even does her laundry while she is there(she flipped out last time I brought my laundry basket home). She didn't even name me. She let my older sister. I don't know what I did to deserve this. The last 2 thanksgivings I have not shown up to due to a fight with her the night before. She kicks me out and sends me to my grandmas. Then expects me to show up the next day like nothing happens (I don’t show up). She grew up with 5 siblings and tells me how mean she was to one sister and never can forgive herself. My other aunt was visiting the other day and told me about that as well. She does the same thing to me. Her sister may forgive her, but I won’t anymore. The things I gave examples of above are just small doses of the way she treats me. I finally told her last year two hour-long phone conversation how I felt, and she seemed to understand. But now she is back to her old ways. Baiting me so I snap on her and then she kicks me out. I hate her too. I want to cut ties with my mother, but I am certain I do not have the finical means to do so. I am dying inside over this and I don’t know what to do. I don't think maintain any relationship with her is healthy anymore... Please help.

*My 15 year old brother told me to stop trying with her and to accept that things will not be the same for me as it is for my siblings. He thinks she treats me poorly and says to stop putting myself threw this over and over.

Stop beating yourself up over her. You are never going to be perfect and neither is she. As soon as you are able to afford to live on your own and have your own job do so. Only speak with her when you absolutely must do so. She is the one who has the mental problems - not you. Having ADD is not the end of the world. You sound like you've outgrown it. Most children who don't take meds will outgrow it. The children who do take the meds take a bit longer to outgrow this. My son had ADD and everyone (school, dr, etc) wanted to push the pills on him. I refused. He's a fine young man of 26 today and has not been bothered by the ADD for many years now.

Would suggest that you take your little brother's advice about her. He's apparently able to see the situation for what it is. You need to open your eyes and see this for yourself. Remember, you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. You can, though, chose not to associate with them or only associate with them on your terms.

Your siblings can see what is going on with mom and they would very well understand if you kept your distance from her in the future.

Do whatever it takes to be self sufficient. Your mother needs either help, or to be struck by lightning in order for her to realize that she is a hateful, bitter, childish, resentful, unloving, selfish, person who should be ashamed of herself for treating some of her children with love, and you with hatred. I cannot imagine the hurt you must feel. If it hurts you to be in her presence, and it gets worse every time that you are, I suggest you pretend that she has run away the circus, and she is performing as "The Queen of the Damned" in a sideshow. Enjoy the family that does show you love, but ignore her at all costs. At least until she earns the love of her daughter.

I wish you the best.

Well your brother is right. Do you have part time job? Is there anyone you can with?

You're 24 now so you can choose how you want to relate to her.

You know that she treats you differently, and your siblings can see it as well. You've told her you don't like it, and this hasn't changed anything either.

For your own peace of mind you need to begin the process of accepting that you may never have a good relationship with her, that in her eyes you will always be the loser, and that in her eyes you are the black sheep of the family. This doesn't mean you're a bad person, this just means that she can't see the good in you.

Why keep beating your head against a brick wall? If you keep responding to her baiting by snapping back, things will never change. She isn't going to change if you keep reacting the same way. Who knows, she may not change even if you react differently.

I would suggest you make a huge effort not to take her bait. Stop reacting and stop snapping back. Not for her, but for yourself. It will be really hard because there is no-one like family that knows how to push our buttons. But if you can distance yourself from her barbs and see her behavior as HER issue not YOURS then you might begin to care less about what she thinks.

Who knows? If you stop reacting and stop expecting her to treat you like your other siblings it may change the dynamic between you.

Your 24, get a new house, when you go to uni (if you do) get one of those things where you sleep in a room with your mates. Just ignore her.

I'm going to tell you some things you don't want to read, but can work for you if you apply them, first of all, your mom might never change, but if you don't talk back or argue back, things may get a little bit easier, until you are financially OK to leave the house. Second of all, your past does not reflect your future, if you've been mistreated all your life, or for the past 5 years or 5 months, doesn't mean anything, everyday is a new opportunity to create new relationships with people who will respect and love you just the way you are, you don't have to suffer for ever, but hardships are a part of life, so, don't ask for the task to be easy, ask for it to be worth it.

The good news is that you're nearly grown. I'd put up with her until you're out of college. In the meantime don't begrudge your Dad or siblings from having good relationships with her - isolate your issues as that alone, and don't make it their fault in your mind.

When you are more independent, you can pull away from your mom, and maintain other family relationships directly with each of those individuals.

It might be worthwhile to just forgive your mom, too. It's hard to know why she's dumping on you this way but clearly she has a behavioral problem. You don't have to keep standing there taking it, but you can forgive her for what's happened in the past.

I know its not fair, you shouldn't have to put up with that but I agree with quantiry. Everyday things do change and by answering back or fighting back when she says something it gets her more mad than she already is therefore she becomes more harsh on you, maybe if you ignore her and just don't fight back she may start to treat you with respect like you deserve. Just give it a go.. and don't let her put you down when she reminds you of your childhood or your grades, your better than that. :) by the way have you got a good relationship with your father and siblings? If you do then I say its healthy to stay with your family.. and maybe they could talk to your mother for you
hope that sort of helped
all the best, I hope everything works out for you =)

Hey, you don't deserve that at all and I'm so sorry to hear about it, but I agree with the comment above, over time people change and everyday is a new opurtunity.. by answering and fighting back when she does something it gets her more mad therfore she becomes more harsh on you, if you ignore, let things go and don't fight back she may start treating you with respect, I know you don't deserve what she's doing to you but just give it a go, you never know what the outcome could be... & don't let her embaress or put you down, everyone is special in their own way and some people are to selfish to see other peoples specialties, by the way have you got a good relationship with your dad and siblings? Because if you do then its healthy to stay with your family and they could influence your mother to change.
Hope that sort of helped
All the best.. I hope things work out for you
:)

How are things going? I hope you do recognize that your mother's behavior is all about her and has nothing to do with you. Being mad that a baby doesn't sleep through the night for example - that's bizarre. It's not like you were plotting to wake her up when you were an infant. And ADD, also not your fault - a pill doesn't fix it all - parents have to be very involved and encouraging in helping their kids find tools and techniques and the kids need more support, not less, when they have ADD. If she didn't provide it, your trouble in school was partially her fault.

Do you have a sense of what might work from the advice you've been given here?

These are all really good answers. I'm 33 and had a similar relationship with my mom. In fact, she would tell people things about me, some true but most were gross exaggerations and people would call me up and go off on me. I did not realize they were getting the information from my mom so I would react by going off on them. What was happening is that I started reacting to everyone not knowing that they were just giving me grief because they thought I was treating my mom badly. Do you know that this still happens? The difference is I stopped reacting to people. Now I just let them believe what they want and I've distanced myself from my mom. I'm much happier and my mother is frustrated because she can no longer get a rise out of me. My sister was doing the same thing and she no longer gets a rise out of me as well.

Fortunately my mother does not call me as much starting stuff because she knows that I am not going to take the bate. It's so liberating. Here's a trick that you can use. The next time your mother accuses you of something or yells at you simply agree with her and say, "Mom, I'm so sorry it came across as if I were doing (blank). It was not my intent. If I do something else that you don't like please let me know." I can assure you that if you keep this up she will get bored of accusing you of things and yelling. If someone else jumps on the bandwagon with your mom, do the same thing. ALWAYS keep calm and in control. It will make them look like fools and not you.

Another thing I do when I know that the person is saying something ridiculous is I stare at them and just nod my head. It's very funny to watch them stammer over their own words because they don't know how to respond to my silence.

Regardless, always remember that your mom is not perfect and that she is treating you in the only way that feels comfortable for her. It's not fair but it is what it is. When I get frustrated with my mom I remind myself of all of the orphans that wish they had a mom and then I get out of my pity party.

You are special and you have a beautiful life ahead of you. Don't waste energy on something that you cannot change. Instead, remember to keep your power by staying calm and in control.

Much success to you! :)

I understand you my mom hates me too she calls me a stupid fat as* and she tells me the only reason she had me was to help around the house.. she also makes my life misserable she always embarresses me in front of everyone and she said she doesn't care if I move away from the house when I'm 16 every time my dad isn't here she starts hitting me just because I'm in a bad mood I'm a 10 year old life with a best friend who is 13 and feels the same wa Please HELP ME D:

THAT IS HORABLE I THINK THAT U NEED TO GO TO HER tell her how u feel if she tries to critisize u walk away pay no attion to her and wat she says



So srry I feel your pain
~ KiKi ~
:(