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    jadedheart's Avatar
    jadedheart Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 17, 2009, 08:30 PM
    Do people really let go for altruistic reasons?
    Hello everyone, here's my story...

    My first serious relationship I felt we were made for each other.. and then she broke it off.
    She called me the next day saying she regretted breaking up with me. For one week we hung out and decided to give it time, meanwhile making plans in the future to eat or do other activities together. Then she broke up with me again a week later saying I deserve better, I told her not to sugar coat things and tell me the truth. If you don't want to be with me tell me now.

    She decided to stick to that altruistic reason. She also said she didn't know if she had anymore love to give (was about to marry her ex, previous long term relationship but that was 2 yrs ago) I asked her why she even called me back the first time, she simply stated I didn't know if I really did regret it.

    Furious I left the house while she kept trying to hold on, and started crying. As I got to the door she tried to kiss me but I turned my head said goodbye and walked out the door without even closing it...

    A few days later I felt I was immature about the way I left but felt it was better to leave than to stay upset. Out of my guilt I initiated contact 3 days after, apologizing for my manner but anyone could see where I'm coming from right? Anyway she told me I wish you ere here with me, I miss you, I wanted to do this and that with you (long list)..
    But I felt my decision was the right thing to do.. I initiated NC after this, and she called me then sent me a text asking for something trivial then apologized for the text.

    Am I being played? Or do people really let go of someone they care about for altruistic reasons? If you love something set it free? Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Out of sight out of mind? Should I crush any hope of getting back?

    I just need some insight... thank you all.
    NItEMArE129's Avatar
    NItEMArE129 Posts: 222, Reputation: 29
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    #2

    Jan 17, 2009, 09:01 PM

    This is for other people
    Altruism: the quality of unselfish concern for the welfare of others

    Ok, now to you, jadedheart, how is her previous relationship supposed to affect how much she can love someone? You can't quantify love. You can't measure how much love someone has left in their life. To do so would defeat the purpose of discovering who to love. So don't accept that as an excuse.

    As for altruistic reasons, relationships aren't altruistic. If a woman's boyfriend beats her, and yet she makes her happy, she still shouldn't stay with him. She should be SELFISH and LEAVE. Altruism isn't a good virtue. It is the EXTREME. You can't be totally selfish, but you can't be totally selfless. You need the median.

    So tell her straight up that she has a simple choice. She can either be somewhat selfish and stay with you, or she can be altruistic and leave you even though she loves you. Then let her choose. If she doesn't want to stay with you, then she probably isn't committed to you enough. If she does stay with you, tell her the dangers of being altruistic and help her to be concerned with herself as well.
    MarkwithaK's Avatar
    MarkwithaK Posts: 955, Reputation: 107
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    #3

    Jan 17, 2009, 09:06 PM

    Are there genuinely selfless people out there in the world? I like to think so but not too sure if I have yet to meet one. There is that old classic line "I just want her to be happy" but in reality anyone that says that really means "I just want her to be happy with ME".
    Do I think you're being played? Most likely. Either that or this chick simply does not have enough drama in her life so decided to create some at your expense.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Jan 17, 2009, 11:11 PM
    I have dealt with enough crazy females that I can tell you there is no rhyme or reason to what they do, or say, just impulsive actions that defy logic. ( Guys can be just as crazy )They are best left alone, no matter how much fun they are when they are rational.

    You hang around her long enough, you will be as crazy as she is, and wonder why. Don't try to rational her reasons or motives, just accept them, and protect yourself by leaving her alone. There will be no confusion on your part then.
    jadedheart's Avatar
    jadedheart Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jan 17, 2009, 11:55 PM
    Thank you all for your insight... You're absolutely right, love isn't finite, and her reasons for leaving me are nothing but a load of crap. Also I'm not going to try to rationalize her logic, keep up with the NC and move on.

    For those of you who are in a similar situation, if someone wants to be with you they will. Don't accept any altruistic reason as an excuse. She told me I deserve better, you know what? I DO!

    Be strong and preservere I know it hurts I still have trouble sleeping at night, hoping every call or text is from her. But know that you aren't alone, because I know I'm not.

    If anyone else has any further insight please share, because I'm using this as a learning experience. Never again will I be completely selfless in a relationship. Thanks again guys
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Jan 18, 2009, 01:14 AM

    The best coping skill you can have, is accepting reality, and knowing when to let go. Not only is the healing time better, it's a lot less hassle not trying to figure out how a woman's mind works.

    I have been married more than 30 years, and I am still responsible for my own happiness.

    That should never change.
    Artem's Avatar
    Artem Posts: 61, Reputation: 5
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    #7

    Jan 18, 2009, 02:03 AM

    Altruism doesn't exist.
    Dare81's Avatar
    Dare81 Posts: 264, Reputation: 44
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    #8

    Jan 18, 2009, 03:05 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Artem View Post
    Altruism doesn't exist.
    I disagree.He could be dating a mahatma Gandhi or a mother Teressa.
    ( Just kidding)
    jadedheart's Avatar
    jadedheart Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jan 20, 2009, 04:26 PM
    No contact but.
    It's been almost a week since I initiated NC with my ex...

    Yet some of the message she sends me are, "I did not sleep much this week, how are you?"
    Or generally questions about how I'm feeling.

    I don't know if you any of you remember but we had a great relationship, she broke it off for a selfless reason.

    Does this mean anything? I know some of you might be thinking it's only to feed her ego if I respond, but I highly doubt that's the case.

    For any of you who has dumped someone and broke their heart, would you ever feel the need to check up on them? Or do you think it's otherwise?
    NItEMArE129's Avatar
    NItEMArE129 Posts: 222, Reputation: 29
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    #10

    Jan 20, 2009, 04:29 PM

    You can check up on them, sure, but not now. It's only been a week. You both need time to heal. She will heal too. All relationships end in tears and heartbreak except for the "one." Stay strong and don't worry too much about her. You need to heal too, so focus on that. In the meantime, she will heal herself.
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #11

    Jan 20, 2009, 04:43 PM

    My ex asked me this two weeks after she KNEW for a fact I was heartbroken (found out she was already dating another guy). She sent me an email asking me if I was doing all right. I thought, "Yes...she really cares and wants to get back together." So I responded... she then replied, "Well, I am glad. I wish you the best of luck."

    You can imagine how I felt after reading that...
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #12

    Jan 20, 2009, 04:52 PM

    Yes, in 6 months or a year after you are over her, get to find out how she is.

    Almost a week is time to keep no contact and move on.
    jadedheart's Avatar
    jadedheart Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Jan 20, 2009, 05:40 PM
    Well it's not me that wants to see how she is doing, she is the one who dumped me.

    I was trying to put myself in her shoes and figure out the reason why she keeps texting me these things.

    Thanks for your insight guys I will definitely continue with the NO CONTACT for a while longer...

    As for moving on I would still like to be with her... I just don't know what to make of these texts. But I guess even if we were to get back together since I'm currently emotionally unstable at this point it doesn't matter if it's with her or another girl right? Hm guess I should just follow everyone's advice and continue with the NC no matter how hard it is. Thanks again!
    inertia's Avatar
    inertia Posts: 308, Reputation: 60
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    #14

    Jan 20, 2009, 07:39 PM

    If you dumped a girl and realized it was a mistake... would you send them a text message OR would you show up at their house with flowers asking them to take you back and forgive you for making such a mistake?
    jadedheart's Avatar
    jadedheart Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Jan 20, 2009, 07:45 PM
    Well she already did that once before. The day after she dumped me she showed up at my house telling me it was a mistake. That's why I don't know if she's messaging me again out of missing the things about me, or it's because she's truly missing me.

    Thank you all but today I told her to respect my decision to end contact. I need to heal and move on she broke my heart twice if I got back together with her it will be a third time because nothing has changed. There will always be that doubt she will dump me again out of the blue.
    jadedheart's Avatar
    jadedheart Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Jan 26, 2009, 01:50 AM
    Scared of getting too close.
    merged and edited



    I had coffee with her today after no contact, she initiated it and I felt as if my emotions settled down after a few weeks.

    Basically I told her altruism doesn't exist and for her to tell me that as an excuse for dumping me was very pragmatic.

    In the end she told me the real reason is because she's too scared of getting close after her last serious 3 yrs relationship. In the amount of time we've been dating she told me we both got really close. Also to end it she told me she wanted to be the type of person before she met her ex boyfriend if she were to ever be in another committed relationship.

    Is there anything I could say or do? I know I'm not pressuring her but I deeply care for her, do you think this is all BS she is telling me? What do you do in a situation where she has a lot of emotional baggage / insecurities?

    Thank you all for your inputs.

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