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-   -   How to deal with people that you don't feel respect you? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=422832)

  • Dec 6, 2009, 10:01 PM
    ohsohappy
    How to deal with people that you don't feel respect you?
    OKay, as some of you may know, I started at job at a coffee shop in October. Well, I'm having an issue with a couple of people that I work with. They've never actually outright done anything to me, but their patronizing demeanor really offends me. I try very hard to do well at work, Sometimes I still don't know everything that I have to do. But it seems like a couple of the people that I work with just hate me for absolutely no reason.

    Anytime I ask a question, or try to make conversation when we're not busy, they're really short with me and they look at me like I'm an idiot, with that expression "why are you talking to me" or "god you're stupid."

    I'm not saying I have the brightest moments, but I don't treat people like that either.

    I'm feeling really self conscious about it.
    I don't mind doing the things that I have to do when I'm working, that's why I get paid, but I'm not getting paid to be talked to like I'm an idiot. It's not like I expect to be lifelong friends with any of these people (some of whom are very nice) but I'd at least like to communicate with them cordially.

    Sure, I'm the new person, And I don't know them all that well, but at the other jobs I've had I don't remember feeling so insecure.
    I feel like I'm on the "Awkward" side of the social status.. . It's really irritationg me.
    Is there something wrong with me? Or them? Ot is this just the stupid way of the world.

    UGH!

    How do I deal with this crap?
  • Dec 6, 2009, 10:10 PM
    justcurious55

    Sometimes the best thing to do is just ignore people. Like you said, you're not getting to be paid for to be talked to like an idiot. When you can, direct your questions to the nicer people. And just focus on doing your job to the best of your abilities.
  • Dec 6, 2009, 10:33 PM
    Gemini54
    Sometimes it's really hard to deal with this stuff, because essentially it's them, not you and it's not your crap.

    My occasional experience is that in some workplaces, when you're the 'newbie', you get treated like the outsider until such time as someone newer comes on the scene, or you start to blend in with the furniture and they don't notice you any more. It's sort of a tribal thing - you're not part of the clique so they make sure you know it.

    I think that it IS the stupid way of the world, and again from my own experience, I remember one instance when at the beginning of that job I was rendered so insecure I would go home in tears.

    There is nothing that you can do about them, but you can develop a thicker skin. Sheesh, I know that's hard! Rather than ignoring them, the trick is to not take it personally - it's actually not anything to do with you, it's to do with their small-minded attitude towards a new person on their patch.

    I would suggest cultivating a 'zen' attitude towards them - regard them with a dispassionate benevolence - and when you hear them being condescending, in your own mind just say to yourself, 'whatever' and tell yourself that they really don't know any better.

    If you can be more comfortable in your own skin when they're around, you won't feel as awkward or irritated by them. It does take some practice but it's useful to cultivate because you can use it in all sorts of situations!
  • Dec 7, 2009, 10:29 PM
    ohsohappy
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Gemini54 View Post
    Sometimes it's really hard to deal with this stuff, because essentially it's them, not you and it's not your crap.

    My occasional experience is that in some workplaces, when you're the 'newbie', you get treated like the outsider until such time as someone newer comes on the scene, or you start to blend in with the furniture and they don't notice you any more. It's sort of a tribal thing - you're not part of the clique so they make sure you know it.

    I think that it IS the stupid way of the world, and again from my own experience, I remember one instance when at the beginning of that job I was rendered so insecure I would go home in tears.

    There is nothing that you can do about them, but you can develop a thicker skin. Sheesh, I know that's hard! Rather than ignoring them, the trick is to not take it personally - it's actually not anything to do with you, it's to do with their small-minded attitude towards a new person on their patch.

    I would suggest cultivating a 'zen' attitude towards them - regard them with a dispassionate benevolence - and when you hear them being condescending, in your own mind just say to yourself, 'whatever' and tell yourself that they really don't know any better.

    If you can be more comfortable in your own skin when they're around, you won't feel as awkward or irritated by them. It does take some practice but it's useful to cultivate because you can use it in all sorts of situations!


    I try to think of a time when I was in their position, when a new person was around and such, and sometimes I'd just be in a bad mood, other times they really did need to be corrected. But I didn't treat them any differently than other employees.
    When I worked at the ice cream place, I'd get annoyed sometimes, especially if the new people weren't keeping up and they were making dumb mistakes. That part I completely understand gettign annoyed with, but I never just talked to them like they were lower than me, I treated them the same as other employees, it was kind of like a family there, so we just kind of talked to each other like family, we'd call each other out on stuff, we'd get annoyed, but we also shared jokes and got along really well, I never felt out of place, not from the first day. ANd when I worked at the pizza place, I didn't feel out of place either, I got annoyed at a manager because he thought it was cute to talk to me like I was 5 and call me a cupcake (Afterwards I told him next time he called me cupcake, I'd have something to call him and left it at that, he ended up gettign transferred anyway) I didn't like that job, but I didn't feel insecure either.

    I don't know, it's just these people. I don't understand them.
  • Dec 7, 2009, 10:49 PM
    Gemini54
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by ohsohappy View Post
    I try to think of a time when I was in their position, when a new person was around and such, and sometimes I'd just be in a bad mood, other times they really did need to be corrected. But I didn't treat them any differently than other employees.
    When I worked at the ice cream place, I'd get annoyed sometimes, especially if the new people weren't keeping up and they were making dumb mistakes. That part I completely understand gettign annoyed with, but I never just talked to them like they were lower than me, I treated them the same as other employees, it was kind of like a family there, so we just kinda talked to each other like family, we'd call each other out on stuff, we'd get annoyed, but we also shared jokes and got along really well, i never felt out of place, not from the first day. ANd when I worked at the pizza place, I didn't feel out of place either, I got annoyed at a manager because he thought it was cute to talk to me like I was 5 and call me a cupcake (Afterwards i told him next time he called me cupcake, I'd have something to call him and left it at that, he ended up gettign transfered anyway) i didn't like that job, but I didn't feel insecure either.

    I dunno, it's just these people. I don't understand them.

    I guess the thing is - you can't expect other people to behave or respond like you do. Sure, you wouldn't behave like them, but you're not them.

    Accept that they are different and that they have their own stuff - whatever it may be - it's probably as boring as hell.

    There is nothing you can do to change them - you just have to cultivate the art of indifference.
  • Dec 7, 2009, 11:20 PM
    artlady

    I agree with Gemini,just don't let them get into your head.
    If they are sarcastic or give you a look,give it right back or try to make a joke out of it.
    Sounds like some kind of a jealously issue.
    Know who you are and remember its just a job and they are just the jerks you have to contend with for your brief time there.
    Keep your head up and don't allow anyone to make you feel less than who you know you are !
    I think your smart and funny and I have very good taste :)
  • Dec 8, 2009, 09:50 AM
    ohsohappy

    Aww thanks you guys.
    You're great. :)
    It just sucks sometimes because I just don't understand why they're like that.

    It's not really the fact that they don't like me that bothers me, it's how they act towards me. I mean, come on, they don't have to like me, but they can at least respect me.
  • Dec 8, 2009, 12:18 PM
    JBeaucaire

    Quote:

    ... they don't have to like me, but they can at least respect me.
    Without being all attitudish and confrontational, I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to stop and say that to them at the exact moment they blatantly disrespect you.

    Time it well and be confident. Don't condescend nor patronize. But the moment they clearly disrespect you, STOP... walk over to them and put your hand on their arm gently and say it. "Dear, you don't have to like me, but I really must insist that you be respectful to me, as I am to you. OK? Thank you so much."

    Then give them a sincere squeeze of the hand walk away, immediately talking to someone else about something work related.

    If it continues to happen, go get your supervisor and ask them to stand there and watch while you do the exact same thing again... then you and the supervisor walk away. Ask the supervisor to not bring it up, you just wanted them for moral impact.
  • Dec 8, 2009, 02:43 PM
    ohsohappy
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by JBeaucaire View Post
    Without being all attitudish and confrontational, I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to stop and say that to them at the exact moment they blatantly disrespect you.

    Time it well and be confident. Don't condescend nor patronize. But the moment they clearly disrespect you, STOP...walk over to them and put your hand on their arm gently and say it. "Dear, you don't have to like me, but I really must insist that you be respectful to me, as I am to you. OK? Thank you so much."

    Then give them a sincere squeeze of the hand walk away, immediately talking to someone else about something work related.

    If it continues to happen, go get your supervisor and ask them to stand there and watch while you do the exact same thing again...then you and the supervisor walk away. Ask the supervisor to not bring it up, you just wanted them for moral impact.

    That's a decent idea. :) Thank you. :)

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