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  • Nov 9, 2008, 05:46 PM
    emberandashes
    Gay, not out, want a boyfriend
    Hello. I am a 15 year old gay guy. I'm not out yet and I'm not sure how I would be able to do it without ruining my life. Some of my friends say to me " promise me you will never be gay" or things along those lines... and it pains me when they say this. I don't want them to think I am therefor I promise them. My parents and siblings aren't very gay friendly. I am also about 90% sure my parents already know I'm gay... and are just waiting for me to tell them. Another big problem is that I have not fully accepted me being gay. I have told myself yes.. im gay... but I've never accepted it yet. I don't want to be gay, and I know for a fact that you are born with it. Ever since I was little I've been attracted to boys. I've always only had friends who are girls.. I even played with dolls and dressed up like a girl when I was young. Of course I don't do this anymore, I'm not that type of gay person.
    I also really want a boyfriend right now... I have for about a year, but now its gotten worse. I just really want to have my first boyfriend not only as my first step of coming out, but to confirm myself that its not a bad thing being gay.

    This is my first time on a website like this, and basically the first time I've told anyone that I am gay

    What I really want is some advice, and some reassurance. I'm sort of scared for my future as a gay man.
  • Nov 9, 2008, 06:32 PM
    simoneaugie

    It would be helpful for you to have friends that have been gay for a long time. They could guide and support you in the journey to adulthood. You sound like you're toughing this out alone at the moment. Lonely, but you are reaching out now, good.

    It may not be possible where you live but I used to work in a long term facility that catered to those with AIDS. There were volunteer opportunities galore there too, from driving to organizing parties. I learned so much and made new friends working there, so did my daughter who volunteered.
  • Nov 9, 2008, 06:41 PM
    xxariesxx
    I can see how that would be scary for you. I really admire that you realize this about yourself, especially for being so young. You shouldn't ashamed of how you feel, it's who you are, and there is nothing wrong with it.

    From what you've said it would really difficult to tell your family and friends about this. Don't feel like you have to tell them though; it's something very personal, and you should only do it when you feel ready. It's not as if they have to know. If you feel like you would like them to know, then just be honest and do not let them make you think anything is wrong with you. Because there isn't.

    I can understand that you would want to have your first boyfriend and feel that connection. I would see it as, if you find someone you would like to get to know better in that way, do it as a friend first as many people (hetero and homosexual) do. This way you can see if they would perhaps feel the same without going through any awkward guessing who they are interested in.

    Take care and if you need to talk there are always lots of supportive people here.
  • Nov 9, 2008, 08:31 PM
    emberandashes
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by simoneaugie View Post
    It would be helpful for you to have friends that have been gay for a long time. They could guide and support you in the journey to adulthood. You sound like you're toughing this out alone at the moment. Lonely, but you are reaching out now, good.

    It may not be possible where you live but I used to work in a long term facility that catered to those with AIDS. There were volunteer opportunities galore there too, from driving to organizing parties. I learned so much and made new friends working there, so did my daughter who volunteered.


    I do have a few gay friends. I am in drama and choir in my high school, and a good percent of theater guys are gay. But they aren't some of my good friends. Ill have to try to work on my friendship with them.
    As for the volunteering thing that would be perfect. My dad keeps telling me I need to volunteer for stuff to put on a resume for college. It would be the perfect excuse and would help me more for college. I would have to see if there is anything close though. I haven't heard of one around here but I'm sure there is since I live near houston
    Thanks for the advice
  • Nov 9, 2008, 08:35 PM
    emberandashes
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by xxariesxx View Post
    I can see how that would be scary for you. I really admire that you realize this about yourself, especially for being so young. You shouldn't ashamed of how you feel, it's who you are, and there is nothing wrong with it.


    . I would see it as, if you find someone you would like to get to know better in that way, do it as a friend first as many people (hetero and homosexual) do. This way you can see if they would perhaps feel the same without going through any awkward guessing who they are interested in.

    Take care and if you need to talk there are always lots of supportive people here.

    Can you rephrase that... I didn't quite get it
  • Nov 9, 2008, 08:45 PM
    xxariesxx
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by emberandashes View Post
    can you rephrase that...i didnt quite get it

    I just meant that if you're interested in someone get to know them as a friend first.
  • Nov 9, 2008, 09:01 PM
    emberandashes

    Well there is this one boy. I've known him for 2 1/2 years. Were good friends but I'm not sure if he is gay. He always acts like it, but jokingly. Like he slides his hand up my thigh all the time and we embrace each other and fall on the ground and stuff... I know sounded weird, and its not as weird as it sounded.. I just couldn't find the right words... I do it back because I think he is gay and maybe he will.. idk tell me or actually show me sign that he truly is gay... I do my best to do this to him... but I don't want to ruin our friendship if he isn't gay
  • Nov 9, 2008, 09:19 PM
    Ferghus
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by emberandashes View Post
    hello. i am a 15 year old gay guy. im not out yet and im not sure how i would be able to do it without ruining my life. i have told myself yes..im gay...but ive never accepted it yet. i dont want to be gay, and i know for a fact that you are born with it. ever since i was little ive been attracted to boys. ive always only had friends who are girls.. i even played with dolls and dressed up like a girl when i was young. of course i dont do this anymore, im not that type of gay person.

    If you are gay, it's fine. Gays are more tolorated today than ever in the past. However, even though you are sure you're gay... are you sure you're gay? 15 is a tough age to go through. I remember when I was 15. Very tough. You're a guy and you are VERY horney, your hormones are raging and you have no outlet.

    Yes, people are born straight or gay, but also bisexual. Some slightly, some mostly... You're 15. Please take it as slowly as you possibly can. Please be careful until you truly know who you are. Avoid adults. Stick with friends under 18, until you are an adult. Read, watch movies... learn about yourself... go slowly even though you are going crazy. We all know how you feel, we have all gone through it, straight and gay.

    And a warning. Look out for adults posing as someone your age. There are lots of them out on the net... trolling for sex. Don't fall for their BS. Get advice here? Fine... but don't try to meet anyone in person... 99% of the time it will be some 45 year old, fat, bald perv. Stick with kids your age that you know. And again... please go slow.
  • Nov 9, 2008, 09:32 PM
    emberandashes
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Ferghus View Post
    If you are gay, it's fine. Gays are more tolorated today than ever in the past. However, even tho you are sure you're gay... are you sure you're gay? 15 is a tough age to go thru. I remember when I was 15. Very tough. You're a guy and you are VERY horney, your hormones are raging and you have no outlet.

    Yes, people are born straight or gay, but also bisexual. Some slightly, some mostly... You're 15. Please take it as slowly as you possibly can. Please be careful until you truely know who you are. Avoid adults. Stick with friends under 18, until you are an adult. Read, watch movies... learn about yourself... go slowly even tho you are going crazy. We all know how you feel, we have all gone thru it, straight and gay.

    And a warning. Look out for adults posing as someone your age. There are lots of them out on the net... trolling for sex. Don't fall for their BS. Get advice here? Fine... but don't try to meet anyone in person... 99% of the time it will be some 45 year old, fat, bald perv. Stick with kids your age that you know. And again... please go slow.

    Oh wow... I would never ever look for a guy on the web... only people I know.. and definitely not someone older... im not very attracted to older guys... I think you think I'm much more na´ve than I am... I have tried to be straight I've had many girlfriends, I've even tried to watch straight porn and all that... it just doesn't appeal to me.. im not new at this as I said in my original question... I have known about me being gay and have been thinking about and discussing it with myself since a very early age... I know that I am
  • Nov 9, 2008, 11:25 PM
    Ferghus
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by emberandashes View Post
    oh wow...i would never ever look for a guy on the web... only people i know..and definitely not someone older....im not very attracted to older guys.....i think you think im much more naive than i am... i have tried to be straight ive had many girlfriends, ive even tried to watch straight porn and all that...it just doesnt appeal to me..im not new at this as i said in my original question...i have known about me being gay and have been thinking about and discussing it with myself since a very early age...i know that i am

    OK... got it.

    Check it out:

    The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction

    Should be a little help to you.
  • Nov 10, 2008, 02:52 PM
    NItEMArE129

    No offense, but it's not technically true that you're born gay... There's actually very little scientific studies out there about sexual orientation. And if you were truly "born gay" you would probably have felt urges like that since birth, and I know people who are gay but say they never had urges like that until a certain time. So don't go assuming that it's in your genes.

    Anyway... it's naturally to be self-conscious about sexual orientation. But if you're so worried about if your friends will accept you, think of it this way: If they don't accept you for who you are, are they really your friends? The very fact that you're convinced that they'll turn on you proves that you don't trust them. And if that's the case, your probably deluding yourself with the thought that their good friends. Don't worry so much about other people and what they think. Not everybody's going to like you, but not everybody in the world is intelligent either.
  • Nov 10, 2008, 03:02 PM
    emberandashes
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by NItEMArE129 View Post
    No offense, but it's not technically true that you're born gay.... There's actually very little scientific studies out there about sexual orientation. And if you were truly "born gay" you would probably have felt urges like that since birth, and I know people who are gay but say they never had urges like that until a certain time. So don't go assuming that it's in your genes.

    Anyway... it's naturally to be self-conscious about sexual orientation. But if you're so worried about if your friends will accept you, think of it this way: If they don't accept you for who you are, are they really your friends? The very fact taht you're convinced that they'll turn on you proves that you don't trust them. And if that's the case, your probably deluding yourself with the thought that their good friends. Don't worry so much about other people and what they think. Not everybody's gonna like you, but not everybody in the world is intelligent either.

    Wel... I have had urges literally since I can remember... ive always been attracted to boys. It even runs in my family... 4 of my cousins are gay all on my dads side

    And its not that I'm afraid that they won't still be my friends... I am 100% sure they all will still be.. well all my good friends.. it just maybe won't be the same... and I feel like I would disappoint them in some way
  • Nov 10, 2008, 03:06 PM
    DivaSCarter7888
    First of all let me say how brave you are to put your personal preference online... secondly about your friends... if their REAL friends, they won't care if you gay-straight-bi-trani watever...

    I also am an advocate for close relationships with parents!! I'm not gay but I know what your going through from personal experiences... and having a close relationship at this critical time in your life with your parents is VERY helpful...

    In my opinion, I think you should come out to your parents, not just say guess what I'm gay, but instead try and tell them what you've been going through with your friends, and with wanting a relationship, and wanting to feel secure with yourself, then tell them that your gay. If they don't except it, then they'll hopefully respect you for being strong enough to handle it on your own!

    I will pray for you and your happiness, and for your family to be as understanding as possible. And I hope eveything goes well!!

    Have a blessed day! :)
  • Nov 10, 2008, 03:10 PM
    NItEMArE129

    Well like I said, stop caring so much about what other people think. In about 4 years, you won't recognize more than half of them. In another 4, you'll only remember your closest friends and in 12, you might not remember anybody. The only person you can possibly let down is yourself. Live as YOURSELF first. You don't feel what other people feel, and while empathy and sympathy is important, you don't need to put too much into those attributes. It's helpful, sure, but there is a limit. It's like saying "Will you take a bullet for this person?" Sometimes it's worth it. But would you take a bullet for a mass murderer?
  • Nov 10, 2008, 03:11 PM
    Bonnie46

    Why would your friends say things hurtful like that? : "promise me, that you'll never be gay."?? Maybe deep down, they already know, but are scared that all of the dynamics will change if you opt to tell the truth. I'm sorry that this is so difficult for you. You have to be brave and just accept who you are. There is nothing wrong with being gay. Many many wonderful, smart, funny, intelligent, loving, trustworthy, beautiful men and women are gay (or homosexual). You are correct - you are born with it. Don't let uneducated, and intollerant people tell you otherwise.

    Start with your family. They are the closest to you. If you can be open with them first, then you can deal with anything.

    I wish you all the best. You'll feel such a relief (a weight off your shoulders) once you begin to open up... it may not be simple - take a deep breath - you can do it.
  • Nov 10, 2008, 03:30 PM
    Bonnie46
    NItEMArE129;1367147

    No offense, but it's not technically true that you're born gay... There's actually very little scientific studies out there about sexual orientation. And if you were truly "born gay" you would probably have felt urges like that since birth, and I know people who are gay but say they never had urges like that until a certain time. So don't go assuming that it's in your genes.

    Anyway... it's naturally to be self-conscious about sexual orientation. But if you're so worried about if your friends will accept you, think of it this way: If they don't accept you for who you are, are they really your friends? The very fact that you're convinced that they'll turn on you proves that you don't trust them. And if that's the case, your probably deluding yourself with the thought that their good friends. Don't worry so much about other people and what they think. Not everybody's going to like you, but not everybody in the world is intelligent either.
    ...
    You are incorrect NItEMArE129 - it has been scientifically proven that people are born either gay or straight. There are HUGE differences in the brain... homosexual males are born with higher levels of female hormones and homosexual women are born with higher levels of male hormones. No one gay or STRAIGHT feels URGES since birth. Did you feel URGES when you were two years old? I certainly didn't. I didn't feel urges towards the opposite sex until I was at least 11 or 12. It's called puberty. Playing with dolls or trucks has nothing to do with this either. You ARE, how you were born. Just as simple as you were born with a nose, or a hand with fingers - you are born straight or gay. My brother didn't choose to be born 'special needs'. The child you see who has downs syndrome, didn't CHOOSE to be born with one extra-chromosome. You are born with your sexuality intact - just as you are born with fingerprints or a certain eye colour... all of this happens as the cells are developing inside the womb. There are studies which ALSO indicate two big factors which play a role in a person being born homosexual: it is genetic (i.e an aunt or cousin, or great-grandparent, or some relation to you may have this); and / or the mother is under extreme stress / panic / anxiety. The pregnant mother's body releases huge amounts of certain hormones when she is stressed or under duress. This has been proved to have had an effect on the unborn baby's sexual orientation.
  • Nov 10, 2008, 03:38 PM
    NItEMArE129

    By that logic, you are saying that the brain cannot possibly change. You're saying that, if you were born a short-tempered man, you cannot change. You're saying that, if you were born happy, no possible event in your life can change that.
    That is not true. The brain ADAPTS. Whether it is by memory, learning, or anything else, the brain LEARNS and CHANGES. If it didn't do that, we would have died out many MANY millions of years ago. People can change. So who are you to say that sexuality is different from that?
    The brain is a vastly undiscovered organ. If you can tell me how memory works and then prove it through many scientific studies, then yes maybe I will be more inclined to believe you. If you can't, however, then please don't tell me that I am wrong. Any theory is valid until proven wrong. If you had disagreed with me and simply left it at that, I wouldn'tve cared. And you also can't compare eye color and fingerprints to sexual orientation... That's like saying how tall you are will affect your intelligence. Correlation does not mean causation.
  • Nov 10, 2008, 03:39 PM
    Bonnie46
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Ferghus View Post
    If you are gay, it's fine. Gays are more tolorated today than ever in the past. However, even tho you are sure you're gay... are you sure you're gay? 15 is a tough age to go thru. I remember when I was 15. Very tough. You're a guy and you are VERY horney, your hormones are raging and you have no outlet.





    Why wouldn't HE know what he likes or what his sexuality is? Why do you question that? Didn't you know your sexual preference when you were 15? I sure as hell did.
  • Nov 10, 2008, 03:43 PM
    NItEMArE129
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Bonnie46 View Post



    Why wouldn't HE know what he likes or what his sexuality is? why do you question that? Didn't you know your sexual preference when you were 15? I sure as hell did.

    That's good for you. Really, it is. But not everybody is so straightforward as you think of yourself. Just because somebody says something that doesn'tnecessary match your point of view gives you absolutely no right to belittle their opinions. What you're doing is not having a debate. It's called having an illogical and unreasonable argument to a completely valid point. You're forcing your beliefs onto someone else by calling theirs idiotic. And in this century, we call that fascism. Accept that other people can be right, and get over yourself.
  • Nov 10, 2008, 03:43 PM
    Bonnie46
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by emberandashes View Post
    wel...i have had urges literally since i can remember...ive always been attracted to boys. it even runs in my family... 4 of my cousins are gay all on my dads side



    BINGO! In your case, your sexual orientation might be hereditary. (4 cousins - that's a huge percentage) It's much more common than people admit or acknowledge.

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