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acheybreakyheart · Jun 5, 2007, 03:34 PM

Hi,

I am and a relation ship from one year now... and its been 3 months me and my boyfriend had sex.I was a girl who believed in virginity and losing it only after marriage.My boyfriend kept on promising me tat he will not do it before marriage but finally one day he had sex with me.in April I got pregnant and now I had an abortion,of course he was with me for all that I need ,but I am not able to forgive him because I was never desperate or took any initiative to do this... also I am too much hurt in life.

Now I think we would have sex for like two months,and now I am in rest for 6 weeks (no sex for 6 weeks) and he is taking care of me and not having sex.BUT after 6 weeks what do I do? I am really confused and wondering if I should tell a NO.The doctor has given me some contraception pills... will I have any future problem in getting kids if in case I take these pills... or is a condom safe??

kirriky · Jun 5, 2007, 03:55 PM

First of all, I'm sorry to hear you've had to have an abortion; hope you take it easy and heal well.

Secondly.. from your wording, it seems as if all this sex situation simply 'happened to you'. How come your boyfriend ''had sex with you''? Did you let him? Did you say yes? Did you say no?

Supposing it was not a rape, you need to take some responsibility for it yourself. It wasn't only your boyfriend's fault you got pregnant. You (for some reason) agreed to have sex.. did you think of contraception? From your comment about pills and condoms, I doubt it. You may be a virgin, but you don't have to be stupid.

Maybe you being angry with your boyfriend is a way of transferring your own guilt and anger onto somebody else. It's okay for you to feel angry in such a situation, but you have to realise you are responsible for this too.

And thirdly, concerning the future.. yes, you can say ''no'' to sex. There's a lot of reborn virgins out there. I'd say it would be fairly normal to abstain from sex after a traumatic experience. You have to talk to your boyfriend and explain it to him. I'd say not having sex for quite a while would be the best option, because you definitely do not seem ready for it.

Last but not least... contraception.. pills wouldn't normally prevent you from having a healthy pregnancy in a future. However, abortions do carry such risks. That is to say, the worst that could happen has already happened. From now on, make sure you use pills, condoms, or both. And no, condoms are not 100% safe, they're like 97% I think, and the pill is about 99%, if you use both you're nearly 100% safe.

Xrayman · Jun 5, 2007, 04:00 PM

It's okay to want to have sex-you may want to change your perspective on virginity. I'm not sure what you really want by asking this question. Okay you had an abortion, are you guilty for that? Are you guilty about the sex before marriage? The contraceptive pill has been used for around 40 years, there has been no real evidence either way that it will stop you from concieving after you withdraw it from use.

Condoms are fine-if used correctly.

You may need to re-invent yourself understand that sex should be for the both of you and it is okay to enjoy it.

I get the feeling you are just feeling guilty.

E3317 · Jun 5, 2007, 04:04 PM

Sorry about the abortion, but you sound too young to have sex. Your mentality is not what it should be. You are blaming your boyfriend for having sex with you. You have to take control of your own life if it goes array there is no need to blame anyone except yourself. Wake up young lady wake up.

MummaCrash · Jun 6, 2007, 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by E3317

sorry about the abortion, but you sound too young to have sex. Your mentality is not what it should be. You are blaming your boyfriend for having sex with you. You have to take control of your own life if it goes array there is no need to blame anyone except yourself. Wake up young lady wake up.

Sorry, I disagree. Don't assume you know how old She is and don't assume her mentality is on an elementary level.

There are 40 year olds with poor grammar.

This girl obviously needs advice.

We should be a little more sympathetic to those who have gone through such hardship.

acheybreakyheart- I'm so sorry for what you have gone through. I would suggest taking a break from sex and enlighten yourself about ovulation and forms of contraceptives so that way you can be prepared with some form of protection.

Good luck!

JoeCanada76 · Jun 7, 2007, 01:28 AM

Originally Posted by acheybreakyheart

Hi,

I am n a relation ship from one year now...and its been 3 months me and my bf had sex.I was a girl who believed in virginity and loosing it only after marriage.My bf kept on promising me tat he will not do it before marriage but finally one day he had sex with me.in April I got pregnent and now I had an abortion,of course he was with me for all that I need ,but I am not able to forgive him beacuse I was never desperate or took any initiative to do this...also I am too much hurt in life.

Now i think we would have sex for like two months,and now I am in rest for 6 weeks (no sex for 6 weeks) and he is taking care of me and not having sex.BUT after 6 weeks what do i do?? I am really confused and wondering if I should tell a NO.The doctor has given me some contraception pills...will i have any future problem in getting kids if in case I take these pills.... or is a condom safe???

FIRST - Why are you putting all the blame on your boyfriend? The having sex takes two people. What do you mean he had sex with you. Did he rape you? If he raped you and forced you then this is different, but if you were a eventually willing partner. You need to take the blame for your actions as well.

SECOND - Why did you have an abortion? Did you want to keep the baby? Or was your boyfriend pressuring you or any family pressuring you to get an abortion? You were not desperate or took the initiative but that does not mean you can leave all this responsibility on the guy. I do not think you have forgiven yourself. If you can not forgive yourself, it makes it hard to forgive others, right.

THIRD - Quite honestly, there is a risk. Might be a small risk but still a risk that you will have a hard time having a baby because of having an abortion. As far as pills for preventing pregnancy. You might need to take them off for about a year or two depending on what kind your on before getting pregnant. Condoms are not a 100 percent. For your situation if you plan on having any kind of sexual activities again. I think you should take the pills from the doctor, and use condoms every single time.

FOURTH - I do agree with one other poster that your maturity level does not seem that great. I do think you need to realize this and grow up lots before even thinking of having any children in the future.

Joe

MummaCrash · Jun 7, 2007, 05:54 AM

What I'm replying to is obviously how quick people are to assume.

Hi,

I am and a relation ship from one year now... and its been 3 months me and my boyfriend had sex.I was a girl who believed in virginity and losing it only after marriage.My boyfriend kept on promising me tat he will not do it before marriage but finally one day he had sex with me.

She obviously 'did', give into sex along with him pressuring.
They had sex- Simple as that.

in April I got pregnant and now I had an abortion,of course he was with me for all that I need ,but I am not able to forgive him because I was never desperate or took any initiative to do this... also I am too much hurt in life.

Simple as that- She became pregnant- She had to make one of the hardest decisions she will always remember for the rest of her life. She aborted the baby, - That is very depressing for a woman for more then one reason.
SHE did not 'initiate' sex as she has written above. She just complied with her boyfriend.

Now I think we would have sex for like two months,and now I am in rest for 6 weeks (no sex for 6 weeks) and he is taking care of me and not having sex.BUT after 6 weeks what do I do? I am really confused and wondering if I should tell a NO.The doctor has given me some contraception pills... will I have any future problem in getting kids if in case I take these pills... or is a condom safe??

So they haven't had sex for two months, she is recovering from her abortion- Which is very important! Her body is going through all kinds of changes and her boyfriend should be acceptive of this. It seems he really is acceptive. BUT she is worried that he will keep begging her for sex and she is worried about the future outcomes of sex.

She needs to be educated about contraceptives that way she can be prepared for when she is ready to have sex again.

Telling her she is being harsh on her boyfriend is only going to make her feel like the bad one, she did not initiate sex she just had sex. Women have sex with men all the time when they don't 'really' want to, same goes for Women initiating sex with Men.

FOURTH - I do agree with one other poster that your maturity level does not seem that great. I do think you need to realize this and grow up lots before even thinking of having any children in the future.

That great? So if she was mentally challenged and severely lacking in the 'maturity' department, she shouldn't be allowed to engage in sex? She shouldn't be allowed to tell us her story?
Sorry but there are people that come from countries where the educational system, phsyical development classes are lacking in correct knowledge. It is our job to help these kinds of people in leading them in the right direction. There are many health professionals on this website and it's not their job to tell these people who's in the wrong and who's in the right, it's their job to help educate them about how their body works and obviously this woman has most definitely undergone 'hardship', as I have noted above. She needs help!

acheybreakyheart · Jun 7, 2007, 03:43 PM

Of course he didn't rape me,but every time he used to try and I used to object.And one day he entered .I believe in losing Virginity after marriage,Iam an Indian and according to our culture we believe in being a Virgin till you get married.Please understand I am not offending any culture or country here.

So my first guilt is for losing my Virginity before like 3 months (Feb).Now in March I got pregnant and in May I got it aborted.I am suffering for the mistake I have done... by aborting my first baby ever in my life.I had to do it as my parents are not aware of my relationship and also though we are 24 and 26 years old we need some more time to settle in life.both financially and generally.

So I guess its clear that I am not blaming everything on my BF because though he had sex with me without my interest he did support me in all the other time when I really needed support. All I am worried is about my future after 6 weeks is it OK to say NO to him for sex.Will this have any negetive effect on my relationship.Or else please tell me if I have any other option here.

MummaCrash · Jun 7, 2007, 03:55 PM

Originally Posted by acheybreakyheart

Ofcourse he dint rape me,but everytime he used to try and I used to object.And one day he entered .I believe in loosing Virginity after marriage,Iam an Indian and according to our culture we believe in being a Virgin till u get married.Please understand I am not offending any culture or country here.

So my first guilt is for loosing my Virginity before like 3 months (Feb).Now in March I got pregnent and in May I got it aborted.I am suffering for the mistake I have done...by aborting my first baby ever in my life.I had to do it as my parents are not aware of my relationship and also though we are 24 and 26 years old we need some more time to settle in life.both financially and generally.

So i guess its clear that I am not blaming everything on my BF coz though he had sex with me without my interest he did support me in all the other time when I really needed support. All I am worried is about my future after 6 weeks is it ok to say NO to him for sex.Will this have any negetive effect on my relationship.Or else please tell me if I have any other option here.

I knew I needed to stick up for someone where the cause was worthy.
There is a whole wide world of information our there, I'm no health professional but I am a young Mother and I've been through quite a bit so far in my young life and I would glady help you with whatever information you need.
*hugs*

JoeCanada76 · Jun 7, 2007, 03:57 PM

You have always had other options. You did not have to abort the baby, you did not have to have sex. The way you wrote your question. You clearly put all the blame on the boyfriend.

In my religion it is a belief held that you should wait for marriage too. I never said anything about offending anyone, any culture or any country.

I guess, with the culture difference there can be misunderstandings. Now that you have cleared things up, now I will be more understanding. 24 and 26 years old. Is a good age to be with somebody.

As far as sex. If you had a abortion it is best not to have sex until your completely healed. It takes at least two months for your body to heal from an abortion, of course the doctors should have told you this.

No it was not clear, but now it is. Yes, of course it is okay to say no to sex. If your boyfriend truly loves you he will not force this, but I would say if it is an issue and your boyfriend is not understanding then you know he does not truly love you, only for sex.

Will it have any negative effect on the relationship, it could but if it does then you know your with the wrong person and this might not be the right person for you.

Joe

diya · Jun 7, 2007, 04:02 PM

First of all, whatever has happened, is now your past, OK... so try to brush it off. Secondly, by what you're saying, you boyfriend seems to be supportive in all other aspects except Sex, right? Well if that is the case, then you need to handle him with lot of care. Make him sit and talk all your fears with him and be prepared to listen to his concerns. Every single talk can be resolved with communication... that is my belief. If he doesn't respect your feelings with respect to sex now, then you will have to face problems later in your married life(if u're going to get married to him that is)... so that you need to decide. Also please remember, though you are an Indian, times are changing, it's not the 14th century we are living in... Sex is not just an act anymore, it's the bonding that people share and needs to be respected at all times. If you feel close to this boyfriend and know where it's going to take you, harbour no guilt feelings towards the physical aspect of your relationship. Go with the flow and enjoy... but take your decisions in a mature fashion and stick to them. NO one can and should force you into anything.