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Adult Children Living At HOme
I have an adult child who lives at home who does not want to adhere to the rules that my husband and I have set. She does not do chores and stays out all night long. Also, whereas we recognize we cannot choose the company he associates with, we are not happy that she is dating a questionable individual.
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I agree with Mr. Yet. She has got to go and make her own life. It is a hard thing to let her go and make some major mess ups but that is the way it goes. I hope she makes good choices and remember your choices are not always the only choice, so let her fly! You survived and so will she! Pack her bags and change the locks, that is not a joke!
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 Originally Posted by JMGuillory
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As a girl who was in a somewhat similar situation--being 20 and still living with my parents. I however, did my chores (more then I should have had to do) was treated poorly (verbal and emotional abuse) and I dated as well however, I personally feel that its not a parent's place to get in the middle of a grown adults relationship. Now, I don't know what kind of parent's you are, but the main reasons for laziness, rudeness and lack of motivation would be because of the treatment given by the parent's (you). If yourself involoved, don't listen or don't care then why would your child care? However, it also could be because of being frightened at the thought of growing up. I'm not ashamed to say I was 20 and still living with parnet's/grandparent. I did more then my part, I was abused yet I still took it. How old is your child? If they are early 20's then give them a bit of a break. Parent's shouldn't just kick young adults out right after school. We barely have money at that point. Now, if she's older then pardon me I'm sorry. My point is, she may be a bit frightened (I was) and maybe she needs support right now. She could be having problems with her boyfriend. She could be having friend problems. This causes a lot of stress and the best thing for you to do is talk to your girl. Let her know that you love her and want to help.
I think the problem these days is parnet's don't really REALLY take time to spend with their kids and listen to them. That's why they grow up to be rebelious. In other words if you can't handle what you helped create, then I have no pity. I hope you are a caring mother and father. Why do you want her out of the house? Just because she doesn't work or do chores? (good reasons yes, but if its because you just want her out then I think that's completely wrong) I'd talk to her calmly about things on your mind. If my dad would have been a better father instead of calling me names and verbally abusing me, I would have been a better person. It sounds like you want what's best for her. Just don't push her away too much, or you may lose her forever. Good luck. |
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Yep I had one, hung with all the wrong people, running the streets, he found his clothes in black plastic bags on the front porch,
I think he lived in his car for about 2 weeks, then with some friends and then got a place with some other people. My rule was always with all my grown kids, after high school, they can stay if they are in college or working, and if working they pay rent ( now I always held that rent in a savings account and gave it back to them when they moved out , after a few months to help them) Now as a adult they had a choice to be in by a certain time, or just not come in that night, ( they were adults, so if they wanted to stay out all night that was OK, just not coming in waking me up after a certain time. |
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I have to agree with most of the posts here... I believe a child should have the option to stay at home as long as they are going to school or working... and yep I agree with FR_CHUCK paying rent... I think the idea of putting that in a savings account is AWESOME! And I also agree... if your daughter is an adult then no curfew... if she didn't live with you would she have a curfew? I think not ! But this is YOUR house and YOUR rules so you do what you feel is right!
I am wondering why would you daughter feel that she can use you that way ? Have you actually sat down with her and said... here are the rules... we expect this... and if this doesn't happen then we, your parents will pack your things up and off you will go! But don't bother if you aren't going to follow through... I do in home day care and the one thing that makes me crazy is when parents say if you don't stop that , I am going to (feel free to insert any stupid threat in here) and the kid keeps doing it and the parent does not do what they said they would... and guess what... the kid knew that from the get go which is why they kept doing it... empty threats are a waste of time!! Maybe your daughter learned way back when that is all there is empty threats and no consequences, maybe it was clean your room or you are not going out tonight... and then tonight comes and she goes out and the next morning you see she never cleaned her room and yet you did not check on it before she left and now you figure what's the point... I am not saying that is what you did I am just saying if you are not ready to actually throw her out for not following YOUR rules in YOUR house then don't even bother pretending... all its doing is upsetting you... but if your serious about it then sit her down and tell it like it is ! |
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[QUOTE=MomOf-3-Boyz]I have to agree with most of the posts here... I believe a child should have the option to stay at home as long as they are going to school or working...
I love your comment. I think as far as my boys are going to school and working they should be able to live at home. They are loving and family oriented boys. But my husband does not agree. He left us 3 weeks ago saying he is not coming back unless the boys moves our. He has asked me to chose between him and boys. I think I have made my decision. I can't destroy their future because he can't live with them. I love them too much to do that to them. |
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Exactly how old is this "adult" daughter of yours? Why is she still living at home? What kind of chores does she refuse to do? Does she pay rent or contribute financially in any way to the household? Have you discussed with her your reservations about the person she's dating? You and her are really caught in the middle of in-between here. As an adult she should certainly be responsible when it comes to supporting the household financially as well as with day-to-day routine maintenance of the family home. However, she is also entitled to a certain amount of independence when it comes to setting her own hours and who she chooses to socialize with. Since you are the owner of the home you can set rules and boundaries, that's your perrogative. However, you're also walking a fine line as far as respecting her autonomy. I certainly wouldn't allow her to freeload and if that's what she's doing, then let her do it somewhere else. However, if she is responsibly contributing to the household then you may need to back off when it comes to living her life the way she chooses. After all, if she weren't living with you, she'd be doing what she wants. Of course, she wouldn't be freeloading either. So like I said, you're treading a very fine line.
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Originally Posted by JMGuillory
My daughter gos to college and works, but she also gos out until she wants and she also has given us our fair share of headackes. But before I would ever kick one of my own out I would do what ever I possibly could to try to help then to make it on there own. Try to incourage goals for her future help her look up options , find a job if school is out of the question, in other words help her leave, try not to kick her out when she's not ready. Some say pack her bags and kick her out, but sometimes that is very dangerious when not ready, they can move in with the first guy that willtake them in and end up pregnant or abbused or prostituting or worse. |
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My suggestion is to sit down and be honest -- brutally honest -- and tell it like it is. Present her with a contract that clearly spells out the expectations of living under your roof, and give the option.
Sometimes just spelling things out in writing can make a difference. If not, it may be time to pack her bags. Jack Richards Adult Children Living at Home |
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Originally Posted by victoria_mitchell
I have a 20 yr old daughter that will only do EXACTLY what I say, she won't pick up after herself unless I specifically state what needs to happen... More concern of mine is how she treats me, and the fact that she doesn't respect (or even pretend to) me. She seems to think that I should do things only if I first get her approval. This is my house! How do I get her to realize that I can do what I want in my house whether she approves or not? More to the point, how do I get her to realize that she really is not a victim, she has it pretty darn good... |
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I have read through all the previous posts as I have a similar situation. My son 21, has not done much of anything for the past 4 Years. He was assigned chores (Dishes, trash, and walk/feed the dog) which do not even do or 1/2 does them. I told him to get a job or leave. He got a job and worked it for 2 hours then said he felt sick and never went back again. Now he’s back to sitting at home doing nothing. His current plan when asked what do you plan on doing is to move to Canada and live with a girl he met online. She is supposed to be paying for everything right down to the passport. Then he figures he will get a job there and re-locate. But his time frame is 3-4 months. In the meantime this violates the rule of get a job or get out. I’m at my wits ends because my wife does not have the heart to kick him out so he remains because it will be painful to her to see him forced out.
Maybe the only choice is to say I move out till he is gone? Sad statement but this mess cannot go on. Now he is not my only son. One is a Marine and doing fine with his with and my Grandson. The other lives at home as well but works and contributes to the house. Not much but enough to cover the groceries. His only chore is to clean the living room and the bathroom that they both use. I understand it’s hard out there these days but if that’s the case, one needs to know that a family cannot have one person working against the rest AND leeching off the rest. |
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I figured I'd throw my two cents in. I am 24 and moved back with my parents after college. At the beginning I was a student teacher but then got a job after my teaching was done. I'm the youngest in the family. My sister, 27, and her 3 year old son also live with my parents. I get frustrated by the fact that they place major rules on me because of my siblings. My mother and I constantly fight because I have to watch my sister's son on my days off, I also have to walk my mothers dog (a dog I had no part in getting and did not want). If I don't she just yells saying how I don't do anything for them and they are "letting me live here". She has also made it very clear that she does not like my boyfriend. I live here because I don't have the money to move out yet. If I were to come home to see my stuff on the porch yeah I would get it and move but I would probably run to the boyfriend that she doesn't like. Also, our relationship would be over, I wouldn't talk to her again for throwing me out. I'm just letting the parents out there know that its tough moving back home, I don't know of anyone who would jump into it. Being away I didn't have any rules, now its like I"m in the second grade again. I think that how you should deal with your child is find a middle ground. For instant things I would do/did do in my situation were:
~ I must come home at night, every night. If my car is not in the driveway by the time my father gets up for work (roughly 4 am) they don't help pay for gas/insurance/car related things for a month. Oh and parking a car behind theirs in the driveway or letting the air out of tires is a nice touch... you can't go out if you can't move the car! ~ I have to buy some of my groceries. This rule has led to my mother locking the kitchen cabinet so I don't get food. ~ Sleeping in to much? Send the three year old to run up and down the hallway and knock on the door. I think an alarm clock buzzing or telephone ringing could do to the same. ~ Oh and chores I understand but if you are doing anything that can be easily done by the "child" i.e. laundry, dishes, picking up a room... don't. Let them go without clean clothes or a clean room. In fact don't go in the room at all. That bugged me the most, I got so used to a closed door and someone who knocked at school, that it bothered me when my mother came in my room when I was there and "cleaned". ~ Now as far as my boyfriend is concerned, they can't choose who I date. I'm an adult. But they can require me to have him pick me up at the door and invite him to dinner once a month. I think that he is growing on my parents because he is showing them that he actually cares about me a bit to sit to dinner or pick me up for a change. If I think of anything else I'll post. I just wanted to say that kicking them out will work but probably not in the way you want it. Your child will run to this "questionable individual" and it will take them a long time to forgive you for it. |
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You have to be careful kicking her out, she could come back and sue you for improper eviction. The best thing to do is either give her an eviction notice according to how many days your state requires and following procedures. Your other option is to give her a rules list. If you are not going to be home by (set a time) call and let us know or find other arrangements for the night. IF you leave your stuff around the house it gets thrown away. And other rules that make her more responsible for chores. She can do her own laundry and buy food that is not on the family menu. You can not control who she sees but you can tell her NOT in my house. |
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Living at home is a privilege that comes with responsibilities. If an adult is not able to pay rent, at the very least they should be doing chores such as yardwork, laundry, cooking, cleaning. They should also be helping out with expenses such as food, car insurance, gas, etc. Curfews are not realistic for adults since nightlife is a part of their social life but they should respect rules such as not making noise and no illegal activities, i.e. drugs, drunk driving. You can't tell them who to date or hang around with, but you have every right to not allow less than reputable people in your home.
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Living at home comes with responsibilities and expectations, I agree with that.
But, what ever happened to expecting your children to be mature enough to move out? Why is it now okay to have an adult child living at home as long as they are either working or doing chores? Shouldn't they be doing the chores anyway, and shouldn't they be working to pay their own rent in their own place? Where did we go wrong from raising responsible children, into responsible adults, not dependent on mommy and daddy. What's with this not cutting it in the real world, and moving back in with the parents, where they are only expected to either do chores or pay rent with a part time nowhere job? Why can't they get two jobs to pay their own rent! I would be starting with the question of why this adult person living in my home doing minimally insignificant chores to make it appear as though she is a motivated self-directed individual, is not out there living her life!? What's with the excuses, and the lack of direction here. Had there been expectations when they left, they'd not be home. Had there been limits set when they turned 18, they'd be out the door already. This lifestyle is not healthy for anybody. It is a copout for the parents, who can't put their feet down and stop accepting the 'chores and paying rent' song, and who can also not cut the apron strings so these adult children can grow up! They need to be adults. And it is a convenient copout for the adult children, who have learned that being lazy, contributing little, and expecting a lot in return, can actually live a very comfortable life. It is a question that goes beyond the obvious. Denying someone the expectation of being a responsible adult out of the family home is as bad as being the adult child, who damn well knows they need to move on, and move out. |
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I've been working on a series of posts on this topic and hope that they can be helpful to you. My one concern is that you might be shutting the barn doors after the cow has left, and now that you've brought that up I'd like to address that in a later post. If things are still manageable, though, and you still have a reasonable relationship, it's time to set up expectations for your child's staying in that house--and some recommend doing it officially, through a contract. In one post, "Adult Children Without Extenutating Circumstances: They Just Like It Here" at http://wp.me/p22afJ-Lx I address reasonable expectations that need to be established--and enforced--for an adult child living in your house. If you have tried all these and have gotten nowhere, and are unable to remove the child from your premises, please get back to me, so we can think through a Plan B. Otherwise, I hope these suggestions will help in establishing a more normative relationship with your daughter. Candida
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