[MINurse]

Hi, I am in need of some advice before I drive myself crazy.

I have a 20 year old son. He is adopted and was my Nephew from my husband side. He was in 5th grade when he came to live with us. His biological parents were and still are heroin/crack/alcohol addicts. From the time he came to live with us, he was the joy of my life. For all the years leading up to high school graduation we were very close. We talked about everything, he didn't mind "hanging out" with me, and there was a lot of trust in our conversations. He was very much "anti-drug" and was very active in football, wrestling and baseball. He had great grades and went on to get accepted to a very prestigious school here in Michigan. I was very active in his life, as a football booster for years and just as involved as I could be and he was glad that I was there for him. From his sophomore year in high school he dated a girl. At the beginning of his freshman year in college he learned that this girl had been cheating on him. It devastated him. And all of this information leads me to my current issues.

Ever since this happened to him, he is a totally different person. We are no longer close. I try having conversations with him but he just doesn't want to talk (about anything). He has not dated a single young lady since this happened with the other girl (A year and a half). He goes to strip clubs with his buddies, he is drinking frequently, he changed his music genre to the screaming heavy metal that he always use to complained about, he has gotten tattoo's and has just completely changed. He is doing OK in college and has just finished his sophomore year, getting a C average. He works hard, enjoys his job and pays all his bills. The biggest problem he is now encountering is gambling. He travels by himself over 50 miles to Canada so he can go and gamble at their casino's. He has verbalized to me that he knows he is addicted. Sadly, he does very well at poker and has made a lot of money. (Some may think I should be happy for that, but please remember that he has a HUGE propensity to addiction because of his biological parents).

He used to be so very loving to me, and kind. This mothers day I was so eager to spend time with him and he rarely calls or visits. He assured me he would see me after he worked that day. When I had not heard from him by the time he was due to get off work, I called him to see if he planned to come for dinner.(this was at 6:00 pm) His work told me that he had called in sick. I was shocked and saddened that he was home all day, knowing how eager I was to see him. So I called his house, and his roommate told me "Oh, yeah he is here, he is just getting home from work". I told his roommate that I knew that was not true and that I just wanted to make sure he was OK. My son tried calling me back, but I just couldn't talk as I was so upset. About an hour later, my husband found a box on our front steps. It was just a small cardboard box with "happy Mothers Day" written in black marker on it (no card). I opened the box, and it was a small mirrored poem decoration titled "the gift of Mothers" with a picture of a mother and a young GIRL! As I proceeded to read this "gift" I realized the entire poem was about the joys of giving birth and all the things a mom goes through and learning to love through the miracle of giving birth. He was adopted... You can't imagine the further hurt I went through. I don't know what to think of this gift. Was it a purposeful thing to hurt me or was it pure laziness in grabbing the first thing that said "mother". He swears he read it, and after looking at the poem just said "oh, thats not the one I picked out". End of story. I know this sounds petty, but He makes a lot of money in his job. Sometimes more than me and I am an RN! Plus he had just won over $1000 gambling. I really thought he would get me something thoughtful and nice. It didn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful. This gift was the farthest thing from thoughtful in my opinion.

Now this Memorial day week end I invited him over for a BBQ. I asked what he would like and he asked if steak was out of the question. I told him I would get steak and I invited his roommate too. His roommate agreed he would like to come. I was very excited (again) to get a chance to spend an evening with my son. This time he did come over, without the roommate. No call to say not to get the 4th steak or that he was not coming. But I just said oh well, I have my son to spend time with. So $40 worth of steak later, my son ate his dinner and got a call on his cell phone. He said he had to go teach one of his buddies how to play poker and left. So that was my evening with him, less than and hour.These are only two specific stories. There have been multiple occasions of "I forgots" and "I'm to tired" and simple careless rude events where he just doesn't seem to care that he hurt me.

I am sorry this is so long, but I have gone through so much with him. I dealt with terrible "empty nest" syndrome in letting him go. I finally worked through that, but why did he change so drastically. Why is he shutting me out and how on earth do I let go? I feel like I almost need to mourn the loss of my child because its like he is gone. This person who I cared about so much and loved has become yet another person. I will always love him, but should I accept this behavior? Should I talk to him about it? I fear pushing him further away if I try to talk with him. When I do ask about his life, dating, work etc, he gets so put off and angry that I ask these questions. How do I let go? Someone please tell me how you turn your back and just let them go. I want to stop crying about the hurtful things he does, I want to just move on I guess. To me the pain is so strong I wish I could just block it out of my mind completely. My husband is very supportive of me, but he is ill with Multiple Sclerosis and cannot handle stress well without it making him worse.

So ultimately, this is my question: Do I force my son to sit down and listen to me, and make him hear how he has hurt me, or do I just let it go, let him go and get on with my life. Am I supposed to just wait and see if he ever wants to come back to needing his parents, and allow his rudeness? (I know that's a silly question, but I feel like that is what HE wants us to do). Thank you for anyone who took the time to read my long entry. I just feel so alone in trying to handle this situation. I am a nurse by profession and tend to do so much for others and so I am not very used to being the one who needs the help! I appreciate any suggestions and input anyone could have for me!

[Lord_Darkclaw]

I have no idea, but I hope he straightens out.
It reminds me a little of a man who works in the same place as me; he's starting to act more normal now, but for years he talked like a babbling idiot, blurting out rhymes with the wrong words or repeating the same greeting to people over and over. Turns out that he used to be perfectly normal but he lost it when his mother died.

I think your son has suffered an emotional trauma and he's drifted away from reality.
I'm not keen on the use of prescription drugs, but he might benefit from anti-depressants.
His gambling is a real worry - at least he realizes that he has a problem - and it could really get him in trouble, even though he is winning money at poker, he WILL lose it all: there is no such thing as a happy gambler.
I'm not sure how much to read into the Mother's Day gift, I think he picked it very specifically but he wasn't sure what was going on in his own mind.

The only thing I can say with any certainty is that your son is suffering from depression.

[ksatagaj]

I am so sorry for your pain. Believe me, if anyone knows about the hurt and crying it is me. I beat myself up over my son all the time. He is 24 and has not spoken to me in almost a year. I have now gone about a week without crying- thanks to finding this message board. I thought I was losing my mind. Unfortunately, as I found out- there is nothing you can do- until your son is ready to talk to you. Trying to force the issue will only push him away farther. As both Unforgiven and Rubypitbull have told me- pray. Ask for guidance. It does help. It also helps to know you are not alone. I felt like I was until I started talking to people- some are worse off. My son and I were also very close. My first grandchild was born April 5 and I don't know if I will ever get to see him. I know how hard it is- but you have done all you can. You have been a loving and supportive mother, which is a lot more than some kids have. Leave him alone and give him his space- but be there for him when he needs you- and he will come back. I will pray for you and your son.

[Lacey5765]

I am so sorry to hear about your story. I am also struggling with the "letting go" myself but much different scenario. I am concerned with all of these changes and addictions could there also be a substance abuse addiction? It sound as if he has really lost trust after the relationship with the girlfriend and doesn't want to give his heart again because of the pain. I don't know if he would listen to a suggestion of counseling to get over this and then maybe it would lead to further discussion about the ganbling addiction. I am not sure how much you can force a relationship. I would say just keep inviting and letting him know you care. It will be difficult but have no expectations that the invites will be accepted. I think that eventually he will come around but may need some help in getting there. I wish you the best. Why don't these children come with owners manuals anyway??

[froggy7]

I wonder if the son is drawing away because mom is unconsciously putting a lot of pressure on him? So he hasn't dated anyone in a year and a half. It's not the end of the world, especially at that age. Perhaps if mom was a little more low-key about the issue, he might warm up again. You know... instead of inviting him over for dinner, on a holiday, just ask to meet for coffee somewhere, and keep the meeting to an hour of idle chit-chat... weather, the game last night, what his thoughts are on some tech gadget that you are thinking of getting, that sort of thing. Do NOT ask about dating, work, or his life except in the most general terms. I'm just thinking that he may feel like he has let mom down, especially after his girlfriend cheated on him, and then when mom asks why he isn't seeing anyone still, he gets defensive and feels like he is letting her down even more. By mom backing off, it may give him time to realize that she is still proud of the person that he is, which could get him to open up to her.

[MEENU93]

Your son needs some psycologocal counselling. As you remains a deppressed mother,sometimes he may have some problems that you did not notice priorly.Try to get a good close friend of his and understand more about him .As there an age gap between you and your son he may not completely reveal all his problems to you.You also should have a self reading and try to collect the occasion of hatred between you and your son,if anything happened before.More than these you could arrange a day of meeting between two and ask him whether he have any hatred towards you and if so try to make him more understandable.

[SoonToBeMumOf5]

It seems to me after the girl cheated on him he has tried to get on his own two feet and look after himself... he seems to be scared of getting hurt and hiding it