[kazzz]

My ex fiancé hung himself Friday,we were still in a bit of contact, because he was on cociane.
I don't know what to do. I found him and what I saw is haunting me,I can't close my eyes because I see him just hanging there.I know I shouldn't blame myself but I was the last one to see him alive,I tried my hardest to save him. I got him down as fast as I could,I gave cpr,but it just wasn't enough.

[Fr_Chuck]

I am so sorry, there is nothing that can take the pain away, time helps, but if you need to talk about it more we will always be here.

[kazzz]

He was/is my first love.he spent his last hours with me,and played our song as he done it, I think that was to tell me that he did love me,I hope.he was all I ever wanted and so much more.before the drugs he was such a lovely person,would do anythink for anyone,with a heart of gold,and its such a waste of the best man ever.
It saddens me more to know the sadness he must of felt to do that,I miss him ever so much, I want to see his smile,his eyes,his smell.I miss his cuddles,his company,his jokes,the funny ones and the not so funny ones.I love him with all my heart and want him back ever so much,more than anythink I ave ever wanted.

[MrsJoseph06]

I'm so sorry sweetie! That is such a terrible thing to go through! It will just take time. And you can't blame yourself for any of it! I hope you can find some peace! I send a big hug!

[kazzz]

I try not to blame myself,but I left him two hrs before it happened, he sent a text saying that he was sorry and that he couldn't carry on like this and that he had to end it for good and he couldn't keep screwing up. Why text if he didn't want help.why would he tie his feet togther and his hands together and then his hands to his belt. Maybe if I had rang an abulance,when I got the text,maybe if I had stayed a bit longer, mayb mayb mayb. I will never know. My heart is broken,but his sons ave a bigger loss than mine.

[fortun8me]

My deepest sympathy to you and his sons. My prayers are with you. Do not torture yourself with the "what ifs" for you will never find an answer. It is not your fault that your fiancé was addicted to cocaine... his own personal issues and circumstances allowed him to fall victim to it... it is very sad but you are not to blame. I once knew someone who fought a cocaine addiction and he told me "it was like fighting the devil himself". He was clean for a while but was lured back. I am sure your fiancé has found peace now.

[kazzz]

I really hpoe that he is at peace now.can anyone shed light on why would he wrap a towel round his neck before the rope,surely that would have protected him.

[fortun8me]

Probably so there would be a better grip... now Kazzz you need to stop dwelling on this... I can only imagine how painful it must be for you as it is still very fresh in your mind but you need to seek psychological help so you can put things into perspective, otherwise you will be suffering for a long, long, time. There is nothing that you could have done different that could have saved him. We are all products of our upbringing and the different circumstances in our lives. Unfortunately, not all parents do a good job of child-rearing. Some children are stronger than others and do well in life anyway, and other children are weaker and turn to drugs as a means of coping. It is soooo sad!

[kazzz]

Now his family are blameing me, and saying I have got his stuff,and if they don't get it I can't go to the funeral, already been told that I can't see him at chapel of rest. How can I give them somethink I don't have. I needed to see him resting and not as I last saw him. How can they be so cruel.

[moomin007]

My deepest heartfelt sorrows for you Kazzz.
It is a HUGE shock to find something like that... I know... I found my Dad. For the longest time I was full of what if's, I tried to revive him too. I was first aid trained at the time, boy did I think it was a waste of training after!
It's an oldie but true... time is a wonderful blessing. In time these memories (or at least the worst of them) WILL recede.
You just have to hang on in there. The images you saw will fade, the feelings you have will fade, the guilt you feel will fade, the anger will fade. It will all take time. And No, I can't put a time on it, it will be different for everyone.
Believe it or not, there will come a time & place when you can think of your friend with love & happiness instead of anger & sorrow.
Please talk to someone, don't bottle it up. Speak with a counsellor, pastor, friend, us, anyone.
I truly wish you well and I will watch this thread & pray for you.
God bless
Moomin

[kazzz]

I can remember the good times,and at mo they are making me cry but happy to. All I want is to see him one last time and say my goodbyes. I know his family are grieving to, but surely everyone has got a heart.silly thing is, is that I understand why he done it, and that because he chose to spend his last hours with me laughing and joking, it was like we had our own little fairwell, and he attended his own wake with me. I now it sounds silly, I trying not to blame myself, because at the end of the day he was on drugs and alcohol,was grieving for the lose of his nan,and I found a check list he had done which had a list of things he needed i.e rope,ties,towel etc. I just feel so sad that a person that was as lovely as him could get so sad and down, I just want to give him a cuddle and tell him he is being silly.

[MrsJoseph06]

Sweetie that is the best thing you can do think of the good times! And just greive for him! I'm so sorry I can't imagine what you are going through! I wish I could give you a big hug! Just take it one day at a time!

[kazzz]

Looking back on it, I can see that he was trying to tell me.
He was one of them that was too dam good for this world.
Every body rock. There for every one
Everyone's shoulder, such a shame and waste.

[kazzz]

Every one says that they wish they could give me a hug, because I have never been a cuddly person, but with him he could hug me all day and all night and I would still want more. I've tried to be angry with him about finding out that he had slept with other people but I still love him so much and I know that he only slept with them because cocaine is a sex drug and he was just trying to make himself happy, that's all I wanted for him was to be happy,with or without me,because he was such a lovely man all I wanted was his happiness.
Hope he is happy or at least content and at peace.

[fortun8me]

Try to understand how much his family is hurting right now... they need someone to blame...

[kazzz]

A long time ago me and him had a conversation about what we want when we die,as you do!
He said he wanted to be in his ben sherman suit,wanted a spliff in his pocket and other stuff and his family are dismissing what he wanted,it's the one last thing that they can do for him, yet they won't and they have said that they don't want to hear what he wanted.

[shatteredsoul]

I don't think anyone's words can touch the pain you are experiencing. No one should ever have to deal with what just happened to you and your true love. IT is a truly sad love story and it sounds like you were the most important thing to him. He spent his last moments with you because of what you meant to each other. Maybe this existence was just too difficult for his spirit and he had to set it free. He is still with you and I am sure he never meant to hurt you. This is what he thought would make his pain go away. Drugs do destroy people and their soul. He wasn't the same because of his experiences and you will never be the same for loving someone with all your heart and then losing him. I understand wondering and wishing, about what maybe you could have done. That is something that will continue to bother you for awhile. All I can say is that try to embrace your feelings for him and the emotions that come tumbling out. It is a critical part of getting through this. AS you see, numbing the pain or denying it, it will just manifest in other forms. I too lost someone not so long ago. I am still struggling with all the emotions and things I wish I would have said or done. This reminds me of a tragic love story, and this love will continue on through many lifetimes. I have learned that the people we love in this life, we will see again. You have probably been with him before in another lifetime. You have to trust that you will be together again, without the pain and suffering he dealt with in this physical existence. My heart aches for you. When I first read what you wrote, I didn't even know what to say. I still don't. Words cannot express to you how much I feel inside. I want to protect you and let you know you didn't do anything wrong. His family is in so much pain they need someone to blame. It is easy to make you a target and make you feel guilty, it is easier than them coping with losing their son. You were so significant in his life. HE played your song, he was with you, no one can take that away. He spent his time with the love of his life and he didn't think he was capable of going on the way he was living and feeling. That is not anyone's fault. He wouldn't want anyone to be angry or guilty. He wants you to feel loved and to know that he is with you. Try to surround yourself with loving and supportive people. You will want to be by yourself and alone with your pain, and feel close to him. That is o.k. YOu should do that. Try to quiet your mind and feel his presence. Talk to him and ask him to be with you and help you through this. Remember the love and be easy on yourself. You are going to feel 50 different emotions at one time and you are entitled to that. You can honor him in your own ways without his family if you have to. Don't take their feelings personally, try to understand their pain and guilt and find compassion in your heart for them. In time they will realize they are being unfair. Right now it is too raw and real. They cannot focus on the pain so they are focusing on being upset at you. The love you experienced with him is something some people don't experience in an entire lifetime. IT is something to treasure and cherish and to recognize how beautiful your connection was. You will hearts will forever be entwined together and you will feel incredibly sad and lost without him. Feel it, learn from it and remember he is still with you. Allow yourself time, to grieve, to be angry to feel lost and confused. Please know everyone on here is suffering in some way, through this we all connect and share your pain. We are here to help you and guide through some dark times. You are not alone..

[kazzz]

Found a really good photo of him and its so so nice,and found all the little notes that he had ever wrote to me,telling me how much I meant to him, although I cried it has really helped because he really did love me. The family have got the police involved now, he wouldn't have wanted any this, even when that lovely bloke is gone they can't think of anyone but themselves.

[Rockabilly1955mama]

My deppest symphaty for you honey. You cannot blame yourself for this. You can always express your feelings on here.

[kazzz]

Can't believe its been a week already,yet every think is still so fresh in my mind,I miss him so madly.I never knew such emotions and heart ache exsisted. I can't stop looking at his photo, sometimes I cry with saddness and others I smile.