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startover22 · May 27, 2007, 06:58 PM

Just a little poll...
When and why would divorce be OK with you? Easy way out or work through it? How much work is enough? I keep reading about so many people wanting to divorce. My parents were, my friends parents were. Isn't it high time we change the mood and set better examples for our kids? Is it OK to get a divorce because you aren't happy anymore? Should you work through it if you caught "them" cheating? Lying? What do you think? And please give honest, truthful answers I am really fascinated with why people think it is OK to get divorces at this high of a rate!

Fr_Chuck · May 27, 2007, 07:32 PM

In cases where there is physcial abuse I do believe in the couple separation for the safey of the abused person

startover22 · May 27, 2007, 07:36 PM

I agree! Thanks Fr_Chuck!

JoeCanada76 · May 27, 2007, 07:39 PM

For me personally. Infidality and abuse are the two reasons that for me are acceptable reasons for getting a divorce.

Other then those two examples, I think everything else should be worked through.

Joe

inthebox · May 27, 2007, 08:18 PM

Satrtover:

Spouse and or child abuse.

Infidelity, but that depends on the couple.

Addictions [drugs, alcohol, medications, gambling for example] with no attempt to get help.

Grace and Peace

brandy681 · May 27, 2007, 08:31 PM

I would agree with Fr_Chuck because some men don't start the abuse until after the marriage and that calls for a divorce. Some times I don't think people try to hard to make a marriage work or do not value the marriage valz and they think a divorce is the only way out, without seeking counceling, etc. Some people really do try hard for the kids sake and work through the differences and sometimes it just doesn't work that way because they have grown so apart in the marriage and don't love each other anymore.

I have seen people who actually stay married for the sake of the children but will not share the same bedroom because they don't love each other at all. This also hurts the children because they know that something is not right here and they since there parents are apart, so in all honesty I am not sure what the best decision is. It may be better in the long run to leave but it depends on the situation! If you still love your spouce, although he or she made a mistake and cheated and you have children I do think that you should try and work through it but it may be too hard to do!

Or if there are disagreements in the marriage, financial difficulties, etc I think that these CAN or SHOULD be worked through if you really love your spouse but some people don't try hard enough. Every married couple goes through this and some do get divorced over petty things and money issues! The number one reason couples get divorced is money related, number two is cheating! I do think a lot of times these can be worked through though if you really love your spouce and value your marriage! If there is no love though, I don't know how the relationship can work. There has to be love and if you fall out of love with someone for whatever reason I don't know it can work, even if children are involved. Sometimes things out of our control happen but you shouldn't stay in an unhealthy relationship if you don't love someone, but I believe if you know God that you probably won't be in that situation in the first place!

shygrneyzs · May 27, 2007, 08:42 PM

When and why a divorce is okay with me - any kind of abuse, addictions that go untreated (as in refusal to get help), and infidelity (although at times that can be worked through). I do not know if there is any easy way out. Divorce is painful, even if it is needed. But to get a divorce because one is "not happy" anymore does seem trite. We all have days where we are not happy but we work through them. Maybe if it were harder to get married - look at all the loops one has to go through in order to be granted a divorce. While not all cases are the same, mine for instance, the Judge ordered the year separation before he would grant a divorce and in that year my husband and I had to attend family counseling and separate counseling, show the areas we gained ground on and also the areas that remained unresolveable. I could not date anyone during the separation and while he could not either, he still managed to have his two gf's over. At that point, I was not interested in making things work anymore. Enough was enough.

startover22 · May 27, 2007, 08:48 PM

Thanks shygrneyzs, I never thought of making it harder to get married. I always see people getting out of marriage so fast and not try to work it out and it really gets to me. Especially when there are kids. Thanks for the insight! Sorry you had to go through that.

LuvMyMaltipoo · May 27, 2007, 09:13 PM

I agree with the majority of you, physical abuse and infedelity are unacceptable and justif a divorce in most cases.

As for drug abuse, if this was happening BEFORE the marriage, then I will not agree with it because the circumstances were known to begin with. BUT... if it starts to happen after the marriage I believe the other person in the marriage should try everything in their power to help their spouse overcome this. That is what you promised when you made your vows... for better for worse... and to leave before you even try and help shows weakness. This also goes for finanical problems... I dojn't believe divorce is for those who are weak and want the easy way out.

startover22 · May 27, 2007, 09:20 PM

Instead of for better, for worse, isn't it the truth that when you go through the WORSE it is for the BETTER? I notice that when my husband and I go through rough times, it is so rewarding to overcome them. We are both very proud of our relationship. I was 19 and he was 21, by the time I was 20 we had a baby and now I am 32 and we have four children. Not one of us have cheated, but we have been up and down, up and down. There is no one in this world I would rather be "down" with. We carry each other through whether it be his fault or mine! Thanks all of you.

LuvMyMaltipoo · May 27, 2007, 09:24 PM

Exactly startover, that is why you marry a person, because you trust him to be there for your bad times and you want to be there to help him through his bad times. Unfortunately, some people act selfishly and think getting a divorce is easier.

gypsy456 · May 28, 2007, 11:58 AM

Personal abuse is a definite NO.
That would be a reason for me to approve of divorce.

All else is a matter of hard work.
Communication is key.

Marriage goes up and down.
It's life.

Rough times will make a relationship stronger when communication is good.

And a great sense of humour.
Please don't forget that having a good laugh together is equally as important.

Auttajasi · May 28, 2007, 12:24 PM

I strongly believe that any two people can have a happy marriage if they both actively work at it.

Example: Bush and Pelosi could potentially have a fantastic marriage, despite their numerous differences, if they both actively work at the marriage and making life better for each other.
Divorce happens when on or more people gives up on working at it. An abusive husband has stopped working. He is relying on other methods to try and solve his problems. Someone that has cheated on their spouse has stopped working, and is relying on other ways to cope with life's problems. Now... many people start and stop working on their marriage at one point or another, but "giving up" is the key.

Yes, I think that people are giving up too easily in today's world. In today's high speed internet society, we are looking for solutions to our problems NOW, when ironically, a lot of problems can be solved through patience. Divorce may be the right answer for some marriages and the easy answer for others.

NowWhat · May 28, 2007, 01:53 PM

When I got married I always thought that I get through anything EXCEPT two things - cheating and beating.
I knew as sure as I am writing this now - that if he ever cheated I would leave. I truly believed the "once a cheater always a cheater"
Well, he cheated. I am still here and we are working it out. It hurt like hell, but I want to save my marriage. I have to be honest, it is still in the back of my mind that it could happen again. I almost didn't make it through emotionally and I think if it happened again - I would not survive.

I have sat across from an attorney and explained my life and where I wanted to go from that moment. It was tough - something I did not enter into lightly. As bad as I was hurt - I could not imagine my life with out my husband in it. I have loved him for so long - I don't know how not to.
So, when it came time to sign papers - I couldn't.

Now, the beating part - I don't think I could stay through that. I think I know I would leave. That is something that can't be worked out. My aunt was in an abusive marriage - that left her kids scared forever and she was permanetly deaf in one ear after one of many beatings. That is not a road I wish to travel in the name of "love".

Closing the book on one part of your life and writing a whole new story is a frightening thing. I am sure that anyone who goes through a divorce - always wonders if it is the right decision. I can't imagine though leaving because my life just wasn't "fun" anymore. If nothing else has been learned - I have learned that true happiness is a whole lot of work!

jillianleab · May 28, 2007, 04:06 PM

I think sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons, and that leads to divorce. I once worked with a girl who got married two days after her 18th birthday to her 26 year old boyfriend so she could move out of her parents house. Guess what? It didn't last... My friend's mom once confessed that as she walked down the aisle, she knew she didn't really love the man she was about to marry. Of course, that begs the question why go through with it, but she did, and they later divorced. Someone else I know got married to her boyfriend so he could have health insurance. They didn't last either.

I think people get divorced because their needs aren't being met and it's easier than working things out, admitting your own faults, etc. In situations of abuse and infidelity, I think it is certainly called for, but when you have a partner who has totally given up and won't help you fix what is wrong, I think divorce is OK. For me, divorce is a last resort, I will work through anything that comes my way, and as long as my husband is willing to work with me, I'll give it a shot. But I don't see any reason two people should stay together when they are clearly miserable and unable to put the work into it. Some problems just aren't fixable (like one person wanting kids and the other doesn't). People seem to forget marriage is a lot of work, and sometimes it's not pretty. The media doesn't help this idea when you see articles about celebrities who have quickie weddings. I think it makes people think it's OK.

luvmymaltipoo, your comment about drug abuse made me think of something. What about when two young kids get married and are both doing drugs and one "grows out of it" but the other doesn't? Do you think they should stay married anyway?

talaniman · May 28, 2007, 04:42 PM

Cheating and beating is unacceptable. Yet I think any obstacle life throws at us can be overcome with time and work, if they are both willing to try.

startover22 · May 29, 2007, 09:34 AM

Jillianleab, I am going to comment on the drug this in my own opinion. If my spouse was still using and I was not, I would try everything to help him and give him an ultimatum. With reasonable terms, you know, time it has to happen, reasonable slip ups, giving up certain friends, I mean there are a lot of issues to conquer before you actually are sober, so I guess I would stay as long as he was willing to make it happen. If at a reasonable time ( a year maybe) a little sooner or a little longer maybe, I would take a long hard look at the situation and see if it grounds for a divorce. What do you think?

jillianleab · May 29, 2007, 10:23 AM

Thanks for your reply, startover. I think, as others have mentioned, that if a spouse has a drug problem and is unwilling to give it up, that's a reason for divorce. I agree with you that reasonable time has to be given, as well as love, encouragement and support. The reason I asked is because luvmymaltipoo seemed to indicate that if you know in advance the person is using drugs, then you should be stuck with it. I didn't know if this was her (his? I don't know!) intention, so I was curious. Perhaps though, she (he?) was implying that if you marry someone with a heroin addiction thinking you can "fix" them, divorcing them later because of their addiction isn't right. That's sort of a tricky situation to me, as drug abuse often leads to other problems (using finances for drugs instead of rent, for example), possibly abuse, unsafe living conditions, blah blah blah, but perhaps that's a little beyond the scope of this conversation! Certainly every situation is different, and we can introduce as many hypothetical situations as we want; it doesn't mean people will react the way we think they should in the real situation!

startover22 · May 29, 2007, 10:31 AM

I would leave if he wouldn't get help. I don't think it would be right to stay in a situation like that!

startover22 · May 29, 2007, 11:52 AM

On the other side, I don't think my misery should be put in front of my children. But that is only if it is not a dangerous situation. I think cheeting, abuse and drugs are definitely grounds for divorce. Many other people think their happiness matters most though. I have a hard time with that. Sometimes we make the wrong choices and we have to live with the consiquenses. Many people now a days do not like the idea of punishment or consequences and I think that is selfish! Sometimes I shut my mouth because I don't want the kids to hear what I have to say, it is just as easy to give your husband a smile in front of the kids even if you don't really want to. What do you guys think about that? I love giving smile to my husband but only because we are very firm on our family being together and if more people cared like that, I think there would be less divorce. And yes, I think it is normal to love your husband but still not like some things about him.