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bambino2008 · May 18, 2007, 01:38 PM

Hello All!

This is a kind of complicated story (aren´t they all?! ).

I met a rather attractive but considerably younger woman (I am 37 and she is 22) and we flirted for a while and then about 5 weeks ago, we got together. We haven't slept with each other yet and I am planning on being in the same town as her next week. That's the easy bit.

Now I am married - in a very unhappy, but open marriage. She knows that as I have told her. Furthermore, she used to be my student at University but I had deliberately and consciously avoided socializing while she was still my student for obvious ethical reasons.

So after we last met, we were e-mailing quite a bit (every other day) and then it became less frequent and I deliberately only responded to e-mails or text messages when she contacted me first.Her penultimate one had a title: "student to professor :)". I called last week and she said "is this going to become a habit?" with laughter in her voice - it's impossible to see what she was really thinking of course.

Since then, we haven't contacted each other - I have been waiting for her to get in touch. I arrive in her town next Wednesday.

My question is: what does this mean? What do you think she feels for me? Is she not contacting me because she has lost interest? When I do arrive should I call her?

She's a very beautiful, intelligent and sharp person. We´ve never had a serious conversation about what has happened and I am wondering if I begin that conversation whether I will blow it.

Thanks in advance for any advice you could offer...

Cheers
Bambino

diya · May 18, 2007, 01:46 PM

There is no harm calling her to find how she's doing and stuff when you get there, however bombarding too many questions so early in the relationship only spells disaster... friendships that are built slow... last longer... please do remember this. Don't fast forward your life. Besides, one I am sure of is that while you're married, this friendship is not going to take you anywhere except dissatisfaction and loneliness yet once again if you get too close... These kind of outside marriage flings don't get any happiness at all... trust me... if you still want to experience go ahead...

shygrneyzs · May 18, 2007, 02:10 PM

Maybe somewhere along the line she figured out that you being married was going to lead nowhere but a huge heartache for her. You are in an "unhappy" but "open" marriage. Well excuse me - but what is stopping you from getting out of all that unhappiness? Is that marriage your security blanket? You can go out and have an adventure with a woman then run behind the marriage? Where is your ethics inside your marriage?

If you are that miserable being married, then seriously look at becoming unencumbered and seeing life as a single man again. Then make your moves and decisions honestly.

darkness1970us · May 18, 2007, 02:36 PM

Call her. It doesn't hurt anything. I wouldn't start the conversation with "Are we gonna shag today?" If there is a friendship building up to this (and it sounds like there is), call based on that friendship. What happens from there happens, but don't be disappointed if it doesn't lead to the bedroom.

On the other side of this question, and only in a matter of opinion, you should fix your marriage before you go out to play. I'm all about open relationships. I think it is a beautiful way for both partners to live out fantasies, and it is a level of trust that you can't find in a monogomous relationship. It should never be a way to replace your significant other, however. If your marriage is unhappy, and there is nothing you can do within the marriage to fix that, it should be dissolved. If you are happy in your marriage, and you decide that to remain so you can't be open anymore, by all means close the relationship. Polyamoury is not for everyone. Hell, it is a very very very small percentage that are okay with it, and an even smaller percentage that do it right.

Enough of my soapbox, again that last part is just from my experiences. Good luck.

AW805 · May 18, 2007, 06:01 PM

What is it you are afraid to blow? Unhappy or not... you are married. I hope there aren't any children. 37 - 22. Ugh!

Fr_Chuck · May 18, 2007, 06:49 PM

I will say this, you are married, go home get divorced and then date all you want. You are not wanting anything but a cheap sex date spend a few hundred for outcall and let this girl find someone who will give her a real relastionshiop.

gypsy456 · May 18, 2007, 07:02 PM

Fr-Chuck... I could not agree more.

bambino2008 · May 19, 2007, 01:00 AM

Thank you all!

In every answer, you've hit upon aspects of this that are dead right.

On the open marriage - my wife wanted an open marriage - so she could have a lover. I didn't have a problem with it because no one owns anyone I guess.

Thanks again for clarifying the situation.

Cheers

talaniman · May 19, 2007, 08:10 AM

Now I am married - in a very unhappy, but open marriage. She knows that as I have told her.

Have you also told her why this open open marriage is unhappy? Why not tell us to, so we can know. If its so unhappy why are you still in it? Why bring some one else into your misery? I think your lying to yourself, and making excuses to do your dirt and be legit. Sorry, No good can come of your actions and it won't.

bambino2008 · May 19, 2007, 01:11 PM

Hi Talaniman

Thanks for the post. It has been unhappy because my wife was not content. Now that she has a lover, she may be happier. I think it's a stretch to say that I am lying to myself about this specific aspect - God knows I may be lying about other things...

Neither of us (my wife and I) are American - she is Hungarian and I am Italian. We don't live in the US either (although we did for three years in Boston). Perhaps in Europe, there is a different attitude to open marriages? I don't know...

Anyway, my gut feeling is that nothing more will come of this since I think that the woman I have referred to has moved on. She's a fun person to be with and I hope to remain in contact with her (she lives in Lithuania).

Cheers

gypsy456 · May 19, 2007, 01:27 PM

I am European... and there is definitely not a different attitude towards open marriages.

An open marriage so partners can get lovers ?
Then why get married in the first place... that would defeat the entire purpose of being married, being committed, being there with and for the one you married.

Sorry... at the end of the day three is one too many in a marriage.

Good luck