[helpnow]

I have been with my boyfriend (will x now, still hard to get use to) for four years and he has always had an issue with commitment... not just with relationships but with anything involving permanence or planning. We have always worked through it and our relationship has always been very affectionate and caring. So here I was about a year ago, wanting to take our relationship to the next level and brought up the M word. He was extremely freaked out at first but slowly had warmed up to the idea (so I thought). We went to Hawaii a few weeks back and he proposed while we were over there. We came back and set a date and started planning... well he has always told me I have the "Monica Gene" because I am a planner... and it frustrates him. So I find out two days ago that ever since we have come back from Hawaii that he has been completely freaking out and all the stress feels like a tornado pushing him in a direction he doesn't want to go. I asked him if it was our relationship or the concept of marriage that bothered him and he said it was marriage, but that if he can't give me 100% of him than I deserve better. So needless to say he told me he just can't go through with it and called it off. I am going through a whirlwind of emotions right now... he said he is going to see a counselor, but I don't know if I should hold out hope that he can get over this fear of commitment issue he has or do I have no choice but to move on. My heart wants to stick it out in hopes that we can salvage our relationship... not only because I do love him but because we have so much in common, we get along and have the same goals and ambitions in life. But is my heart just holding on to something that there is no reconciliation?? I have been researching on my own commitment phobia - and boy does the description match him to a T and it says that with acknowledgement of their problem and seeking counseling that there is a chance they may get over it... but I just don't know what to do. Right now it has been two days since he broke it off and we have not spoken since... he has said he needs to be alone so that is what I am allowing him to do, even though it is killing me to be left in limbo with my emotions on my sleeve. Please HELP!!

P.S. It is taking every ounce of self control (that I tend to lack in these situations) to not call or write him.

[AKaeTrue]

Was this a break up or just a call off the wedding?

[Hockey1014]

It sounds as if he loves you very much. The most important thing you should do right now is have tons of patience and let him be for awhile with is thoughts and emotions. If he said he's going to counseling, he's already on the road to trying to fix the lack of commitment. He would only be doing that for you, so that he can work it out within himself to be with YOU. So give him time (which is what kills) and be patient. It happens to a lot of guys, but he is better than most because he is willing to get help for it so he doesn't lose you. That's very good!

[helpnow]

Well he ended the relationship, not just the engagement. That is a huge part of why I am so confused because I don't know if he broke up for clarity on his part or he is absolutely through with me.

[Hockey1014]

I think he broke up for clarity. And since the relationship has been for 4 years, I highly doubt that he's throwing it all away. After 4 years it's never over that fast. People don't stop loving each other that fast. Again, it's all about time and patience.

[helpnow]

He broke off the relationship - we are officially broken up. Which is a huge part of why I am so confused... I would think if he wanted to reconcile he would have sought counseling while remaining together... but he says he needs to be alone and he doesn't know why but it doesn't feel right. I am glad he is seeking counseling, but I just am so confused as to how he could jeopardize our relationship like this if he did actually want to reconcile later on. I don't know how I can trust him after this, and I don't know if he will even want to get back together... I don't think he knows at this point... and if he doesn't know, am I allowing myself to just get hurt more by holding on. I will try and be patient, but it is at the expense of my own vulernability and I am already so hurt, I just don't know what I'll do if we cannot work through this.

[Hockey1014]

I have been married for 1 year, physically separated for 2 months. I am in the same situtation, but we are already married. It hurt soooo much in the beginning of the separation, and then a little time went on and I realized how much I love him and how much he loves me. So I've decided to be patient and wait so that my husband is not so confused. The best thing that I could do for him is give him time and space. Now, how much time, that depends on you. Some people can give a year, some people can give a week. You won't know until you feel it. So there is a trust issue, feeling like he bailed on you. And you don't know if he will want to get back together, but it is too soon to make the assumption. What I figured out with my husband, I feel so bad that he is confused about anything with our relationship. I am more than clear of what I want. But you have to see it from his perspective also, he is in a lot of pain too. As odd as it sounds, you guys need each other more than ever. Even as best friends. You just have to keep praying that he leans on you to get out of his confusion.

[helpnow]

So in everyone's opinion... would it be a horrible mistake to contact him at all? I just am having a hard time not knowing what he is thinking or which way he is leaning right now. I would like to know, but not sure if contacting him is the best thing... how long is "normal," under these circumstances, for him to go without contacting me? I just hate feeling helpless and having no control as well as no knowledge of where he stands right now.

[Hockey1014]

Unless he's made it very clear he doesn't want to have any contact with you, I would say it's fine to call him. Just understand that you may not get the answers or reassurance that you are looking for just yet. He's also searching for them. There is no normal though. Every relatinship is different, your timing in your relationship would not be my timing. To tell you the truth if it was anyone else, I would have said goodbye to my husband, tell him he's taking too long to figure things out. But you never know what you are capable of doing until you realize how much you love someone. Then the normal rules don't even apply. Call him, let him know that you are there for him. Just because he chose to break it off doesn't mean that you are not there for him and going through pain. He might need to really hear from you, and hear that you still love him even though he made this drastic decision. If he needs time to be alone, he'll tell you. Then you have to respect it.

[mckenzie134]

Do not call under any circumstances. If he wants you back he will call. If he doesn't he won't call. Its been 4 years he will call at some stage that is for sure. AGive it two weeks. Let us know if he calls.

[gypsy456]

I agree with McKenzie: do not call nor contact him.
Not at all.

He broke off the relationship.
Because he knows that at some point the M word will come back again.
That's why he is seeking counseling which is a very wise thing to do so.
He is working on himself.

It's incredibly hard for you and I can only imagine how rough this must be at the moment. But you can always write here when things are getting too much... n

Just don't call him.
Don't write him.
Somebody with commitment issues will only pull away even faster.
He needs time and space.

I wish you all the patience that you will need in this case.

Good luck !

[helpnow]

I am just really having a hard time with this - my stomach is in knots, I almost like I am in a constant state of a panic attack. I know that it is the majority saying don't contact himm, but why do I feel so compelled to tell him how I am feeling and want to know how he is feeling.

[gypsy456]

OF COURSE you are feeling like that...
It's not even a necessary question dear helpnow... you are sick to the stomach of this situation.

Having said that... you have to wait and be patient for a while.
This is going to take time.
And who knows if it will turn out well...
He may come back or he may not.
You just don't know.

But in the meantime... don't contact him.
Seek distraction, go to the gym, do anything that will force you to focus on something else... and it's hard, I totally understand it.

But please be strong...


All my best,

[helpnow]

I am trying, but I don't know how long I can hold out... :S

[gypsy456]

Keep this in mind: by contacting him you will likely push him away.
The man has COMMITMENT FEAR...

So... if you want any chance to let him deal with his issue... give him time and space.

If you want him to run away even further and harder away from you... contact him.


Tell yourself that every time you are tempted to pick up the phone or write a letter or send an email...


I feel so sorry for you, but it's not going to be easy!


All the best and take good care,

[talaniman]

This is his problem not yours so let him deal with it. If he hasn't contacted you in a week or two, then call. For now be patient.

[helpnow]

Well he emailed me and this is what he said...

I am going to see a couselor near Alderwood mall that deals only with couples/relationships on Monday. I want to see if what I'm feeling is normal or a warning sign. Since they have seen every type of relationship out there I feel that going there will give me a much broader perspective than what I currently have now. I feel like was flying blind and was overwhelmed because of it, getting clarity on my feelings will help me make a better decision of what I want to do moving forward. Getting counseling for the both of us I think is good, even couples counseling might be an option, I think getting through some of the issues will be good for the both of us. As of now, I'd say I'm taking a break from the relationship only to get clarity and nothing else. I'm not taking a break to party and go crazy, just to gain perspective on the feelings that I'm going through right now. I haven't told anyone about this other than my immediate family and don't plan on telling anyone either. This is something that I feel I need to do before I make any decisions that will affect the rest of my life.

[talaniman]

Sounds like he is trying to deal with his issues. I hope he is successful. The issue becomes, how you feel given these events.

[helpnow]

I got a call from my x fiance's mom yesterday and it was nice to hear from her. She doesn't really know or completely understand what he is going through so couldn't really give me any clarity but just wanted to let me know she was there for me. I also went to see a therapist on Saturday and that I think will be good to have an unbiased outside opinion on the situation.

I am just having a lot of difficulty because one minute I am crying and desperately want him to call and the next I am so pissed off that I wonder why I even hold out hope. He hasn't given me any inclination as to where his emotions are now or which way he is leaning. All our communication up to this point has been short emails where both of us left emotion out of it. I am wondering if it is time for me to call him - if so what should I say?

[talaniman]

Give him space to deal with his demons. And deal with your feelings, through your therapist.