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Lets put all our non dirty jokes (blonde jokes recommended) here
I will start
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant Why did the blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice for 2 hours? Because it said concentrate! What do you do if a Blond throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin out and throw it back! How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner How do you keep a blonde entertained for hours? Put "please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio? It took her two weeks to figure out that you could use it at night. What was the blonde doing up in a tree? She was raking leaves How do you get an one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave at her How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her How did the blonde break her legs raking leaves? She fell out of the tree. I will post more later since my brain is jammed full of MYOB at the mo and can't think of any more. Hope you guys can do better! |
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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. Q. What do you call a blond with a brain? A. A golden retriever. |
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A Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels... HELLOOO!. bottles won't fit in printer. March - Got really excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said "2 - 4 years" April - Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out. May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into that little packet. June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms. August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm... car swamped because soft-top was open. September- The capital of California is "C", isn't it? October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December - Couldn't dial 9 11! Duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone. |
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Well this isn't dirty, just rude, I use this on friends when were telling jokes, of course after you tell it once, you can't tell it again:
Two guys walk into a bar, well I forget how the middle part goes, but your mother's a whore SNL, celebrity jeopardy |
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All I can say is Good Job everyone
Now before this goes any further, I think we should establish some ground rules for future jokes, if any of the jokes above have broken these rules, then it is fine just don't do it in the future 1. KEEP THE JOKES CLEAN AT ALL TIMES, NO NUDITY, NO SEX, NO BDSM AND THAT SORT OF THING EVER.. PERIOD. 2. Please do not post yo mama jokes or jokes that harass people's mums, come on man do you want your mum do be hassled?? 3. Blonde jokes are fine, but please do remember that blondes aren't like that in real life. 4. Racist jokes are fine, making sure that you make sure that the point of you telling these jokes is not to make fun but to have a bit of laugh, I think we will all understand if you tell a coupla jokes about asians (I am asian) but don't actually mean for the joke to actually offend! WE ALL HAVE TO LAUGH AT OURSELVES SOMETIMES BUT THE JOKES SHOULD, I REPEAT, NEVER OFFEND OR HURT!! 5. Jokes that break the rules above or any rules that the people think fit will be reported and dealt with! PERIOD. Don't think that you are smart and won't be caught, because you will, PERIOD. Here comes more jokes for those of you that bothered to read the rules And if you have any issues regarding the above rules then feel free to talk to me and we will see if any changes can be made. And thanks again for the jokes you guys provide for me they are lovely!! You guys rock Here are my jokes for today What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted How do you confuse a blonde? You don't, they are born that way Why did the girl fall out of the swing? She had no arms On the plane to London, how do you take the window seat from a blonde? Tell her the seats going to London are all in the middle row Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M's factory Because she ate all the 'W's How do you know if a fax has been sent by a blonde? It has a stamp on it. |
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A blonde is driving down a country road when she see's another blonde in the middle of a field in a small boat rowing like crazy. This anger's the driver to no end, so she pulls off to the side of the road and stands at the edge of the field screaming.
"It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name, and I swear if I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt!" |
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A few more
How do you make a chav run faster... put a DVD player under his arm A cowboy walks into a bar and sees a nice looking woman at the bar, he walks over and asks if he could buy her a drink, she says ' what! I don't deal with your cowboy types, I know you have sex with all the animals cows, sheep, horses, chickens whatever,' Cowboy says 'WHAT,CHICKENS?' Three blondes go to the doctors because they are all pregnant, 1st says 'i was on top so I'm going to have a boy' 2nd says ' I was on bottom so I'm going to have a girl' The third one starts to cry Then says ' oh no I'm going to have puppies' What's a bad day for a blonde... she can't find her pencil and her tampons behind her ear What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog ... mmmmmmmm you do taste just like chicken Dawn Fench was arested the other day for possession... she bent over to tie her shoe and revealed 42 tonnes of crack |
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The Blonde and the Porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She Went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any Odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much would you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her That the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later , the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed It to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus. |
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There was an advertisement in the newspaper calling for any blondes that would be prepared to work at an adults entertainment parlor. The ad specifically said applicant must be blonde all over. After interveiwing over 50 Blonde woman the owner of the adults entertainment parlor was certain there was no-one who was blonde all over. At last minute a gorgeous blonde walks into the parlor and said she would like to apply for the job. The boos came out and led the blonde to his office and asked a few questions. Are you a virgin? NO, Are you willing to have sex with clients YES etc. after all the questions were asked to the owners satisfaction he then said It clearly stated in the ad you need to be blonde all over. Could you please drop your pants so I can see if you are blonde downstairs. The blonde dropped her pants and to the Owners dissapointment there was a big, BLACK bush. He stressed to the girl she had wasted his time and that she didn't fit the criteria. With that the blonde asked the owner to put his thumb on the edge of the table, the blonde took of her stiletto and wacked his thumb nail 5 times as hard as she could. WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? The owner cried my fingernail is turning black. The blonde smiled and replied that's what happens when you get banged lots of times. Have no idea If I have written it right it is so long hope it makes sense :) |
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Okay, this is my FAVORITE blonde joke ever.
There were 3 blondes walking in a forest, when they came upon a set of tracks. "These are moose tracks" Said the first blonde "No, these are Elk tracks" Said the second blonde. "No, your both wrong." Said the third blonde. "These are deer tracks" They were still arguing when the train hit them. |
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