[echosounder]

Is it ever possible to have a loving relationship with a person who has Asperger's Syndrome. He is kind, and in his way shows a kind of love. There is definite chemistry but is as if his feelings are "locked away" is either scared of them or does not know how to react to them.

He seems really unhappy sometimes and I believe that too much emotion can bring on depression. I also feel that he will only ever cope with friendship and relationships "on his terms", unless you explain exactly how you feel about everything.

He seems sometimes to be able to interpret emtional issues in a film or play but not in reality. I feel so much for him but I do not want to get hurt all the time by him (because he seems to have no idea how to try communicate his feelings even if it is just to say that he does not want this "friendship" to go anywhere) but I would love to know what I could do to possibly help us both.

My friends believe that there is a possibility that he is just extremely selfish and is only interested in himself and anything he does is to enhance his own image and he is not really interested in others. There is part of me that sees a side of him that is not very happy but he has no idea what real happiness is. He travels a great deal and you feel that he is desperately looking for something but he does not know what it is.

All this seems strange I am sure but can you suggest any way I could help to make him happy. As I said, it is as if his feelings and very deep emotions cannot get out and he ends up running away. If I then conntact him it is as if he is relieved and the cycle starts again.

At first he used anger as an excuse to cover up his inability to communicate feelings, but he does not do that any longer . Lastly it is as if that unless he is seen as perfect he cannot possibly be loved by me although I think that is slowly improving and understands that friendships possibly turn to relationships because no one has to be perfect in the eyes of someone who loves them but it is hard work always having to tread on egg shells and not to allow anything I say sound like critism (which it never is). We are both highly intelligent (not meant to be conceited but just to explain) but I am always frightenned to let him know that I am discussing anythng on the same level as him and that I have too much of a mind of my own.

I would love to understand, him please help.

[isabelle]

People with Asperger's Syndrome can lead a fairly normal life ( whatever normal is) but it is a hard relationship to keep going. You have to almost become a caretaker as far as emotions go.
These people can not interact socially they way we would like to.
They mostly haver normal I.Q.s, but have a hard time holding down any kind of a job.
There have the obsessive-compusive actions that go on and on.
I would not say you could never have a normal life with an Asperger's patient, but it would be hard.

[echosounder]

Isabelle,

The job point of view is not him. He is a very high flyer and has no problem with work at all because he is so almost obsessively focused.

[J_9]

Echo, It is very hard to have a "normal" relationship with someone who has Aspergers as it is a form of Autism. You see, they are very self-focused and do not understand how to interpret, much less express, emotions.

It will be hard to make him happy as he most likely does not even know if he is happy.

Your friends believe that he is selfish, well that is really an understatement with Aspergers. As I stated above people with Aspergers are very self-focued, not really selfish per se, but they only think about themselves and cannot fathom understanding anyone else's feelings, they just don't understand how to do that.

To make it easier for the lay person to understand, a person with Asperger's is a high-functioning Autistic person. It is a mental disorder with no known causes.

There is nothing you really can do for him, but be his friend. He will always have obsticals that he must overcome and that is very hard for him.

Just be his friend, if you get any more out of it, you are lucky, but please don't try to make him into something he is not.

[templelane]

I was friends with a boy with asperser's- his dad had it as well and was married when they had their son. So it does show it can work. However his mother had to leave his father in the end and I believe it was down to the pressure of his condition- but I couldn't say for sure as I wasn't there. So kind of a two sided story there - it obviously worked for a while - maybe the divorce was down to something else.

Random story I know but your post made me think of it- you're smart so take what you want from it. Personally (based on the person I knew- but everyone is different I know) I wouldn't try and make it a romantic relationship, but these kinds of things are spectrums and I don't know where your friend sits. Keep in mind- it'll probably be you who will end up the most emotionally hurt – and would it be worth risking your friendship?

[echosounder]

templelane and J_9, I found it almost impossible to learn to read but with a great deal of help and effort, because I wanted to learn, I ended up at one of UK's best universities with a 2:1 degree. I believe , any intelligent person who wants to learn to have friends love and happiness can, it depends how much someone wants them. I believe this person does and I just want to know where to start.

As a dyslexic person has to find different pathways in their brain to learn to read so an Aspergic person has to find other pathways to let emotions "free". I still find it difficult to write and think at the same time and I am sure an aspergic person will always have their limitations but to just give up and say it is impossible for them to change and learn what happiness and love are is being very unfare on them and depriving them of something in life eveyone should have "access" to.

[J_9]

echosounder disagrees: does not treat me or him as an individual but puts everyone into a "type" group

I am sorry you disagreed with my answer. My answer came from not only from my formal education but from experience with people who have Aspergers Syndrome. So you see it came not only from theory but from experience.

As a dyslexic person has to find different pathways in their brain to learn to read so an Aspergic person has to find other pathways to let emotions "free".

I have to respectfully disagree with you here, dyslexia and Aspergers are two totally different entities. Dyslexia is a learning disability, whereas Aspergers Syndrome is a mental illness.

Good luck to you, I wish you no heartache in pursuing this relationship that is likely to cause you more pain that it is him.

I respectfully unsuscribe from this thread as my education and experience apparently do not count for much. Again, good luck to you.

[echosounder]

I too respectfully answer, I have researched in the past few days a great deal about Asperger's syndrome and the one thing that has been emphasised in every research paper I have read. It is not a mental illness but a different "wiring" of the brain. There are different degrees of severity and I have now, fortunately, found someone who is helping with the question I asked.
The first thing for us both to understand is our differences and to respect and accept them. That has been a good start and we are working from there. I think just to dismiss all people with Asperger's as one impossible problem is like saying that everyone who is Neurotypical has the same personality and loves and "connects" to the same degree without ever accepting that experiences in life can change those ways of reacting to and expressing emotions.

[isabelle]

echosounder... You have been given very good advice on this board.
I am glad you found someone to agree with you and will tell you what you want to hear, but that is wrong.
However the truth has been told on this board and I am sorry you can not accept it.
Good luck in your quest, and I hope you are not too badly hurt.
Sadly, one day you will have to accept this advice.
I think these good people were only trying to keep you from being hurt. You can not change medical facts.

[J_9]

I would like to introduce her to a local preacher and his wife. They have 3 children. The oldest, an only girl, is a genius, she is a member of Mensa and graduated high school at age 14 and had her Masters Degree in psychology by age 17.

Then they have a second child, a son. The son is profoundly Autistic, he will never function in society and has a hard time functioning even in his own home.

Their third child, also a son, is high functioning Asperger's. Please note that I said HIGH FUNCTIONING. They are currently attempting to mainstream him into the local middle school, but it is not working out very well.

Thank you to Isabelle, who understands that we are trying to help with the facts.

And to you Echo, I will try and locate the Bastin's website for the accurate Asperger's edcuation and information you seem to be missing. These people are members of my local community and the father is a pastor at a local church. They do motovational speaking to crowds of people who have Asperger's and/or Autistic friends/family. The speak for psychology and psychiatry classes at local as well as distant universities.

[Tuscany]

Ok. As a teacher who teaches children with Autism every day I feel that I can answer this with about the same knowledge as J-9 (whose answer was 100% correct by the way... sorry have to spread the love).

People with any form of Autism have difficulties with social interaction and in social situations. Depending on the severity of the autism depends on the difficulties that the person will have. Aspergers is on the lowest end of the autism spectrum. In today's school systems many schools are equipped with social training for students with autism because autism has become very prevalent in births (1 in every 150). However, if your friend is older there is a good chance that he did not have such training.

If this is the case, he needs patience and understanding from you and his love ones. Using anger as a way to cover up his inability to communicate is very common for people with Aspergers. It is the fight or flight response... they do not know how to respond, so instead they lash out. If you communicate with him and give him time to formulate his thoughts, don't push him into the social scene and start slow when you finally do enter. He could easily become overwhelmed. In addition, it helps many of our students to keep a social journal. Social journal are a way for the person to look back on interactions that they have had with others and evaluate how they handled the situation. It might be helpful for him to keep such a journal. It really does help them grow.

Also, comparing dyslexia and any form of aspergers is completely unreasonable. Dyslexia is a learning disability where you reverse letters, words travel on a page, and reading is difficult. It is a language based disability. Autism (aspergers included) is not.

Echo you are correct. People with Aspergers are not mentally ill, they have a disability. They are not sure what causes autism. There have been many studies done trying to find links to environmental sources, but none have been conclusive.

[isabelle]

J_9 as a nurse, you know this behavior is called DENIAL. It is probably normal to deny when there is something we very badly want.
I feel very sorry for echo as there is only heart ache in her continuance to ignore facts and hope against hope for what she wants.

[isabelle]

Tuscany, thank you for the wonderful information you gave, I hope it helps. Both you and J_9 have been very helpful.

[Tuscany]

Echo-Just remember to be patient.

[RubyPitbull]

Echo, I am sorry if you were upset with some of the answers you received here. However, just keep in mind that your first sentence did ask: "Is it ever possible to have a loving relationship with a person who has Asperger's Syndrome."
People really were trying to help you. They were trying to tell you that it will be a very tough road in that there is an emotional disconnect that comes with this syndrome. It can be quite a major challenge. They were concerned that you would be emotionally hurt in the long run. But, if you are willing to give it a shot, the best thing you can do is research, research, research. I know you have done some of that. You might want to try to see if you can find a support group for families of people diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. That would give you some very keen and helpful insight into your friend's situation. I don't know what information you have found but I have come up with quite a number of different lists and websites that you might find helpful. Learn as much as you possibly can. Read as many books as you can find. If you can find any lectures in your area on the subject of Asperger's Syndrome and how to connect with people diagnosed with this syndrome, that would be of great help to you. Check with local hospitals, psychiatric groups and universities to see if they are aware of any educational opportunities available to you.

AS-IF (asperger information)
Yahoo! UK & Ireland Directory > Asperger's Syndrome
Asperger syndrome and adults - Better Health Channel.
Understanding Asperger's syndrome - The Boston Globe
A Directory for Asperger Syndrome: Support Groups and Organizations
The National Autistic Society - What is Asperger syndrome?

[Emland]

A very good friend of mine's son has Aspergers. I had never heard of it until I met her. He is extremely gifted in academics and musically, but his personality is completely flat. I see the frustration in my friend's eyes because he is incapable of giving anything back to her. His condition doesn't stop her from loving him, though.

Echo asked if a loving relationship is possible. Sure, but you must realize that the relationship will not be 50/50 simply because his disability will not allow it. I don't believe the posters here are trying to attack you, they are just trying to point out that if you choose to proceed with this relationship, there are a lot of factors you need to be made aware of.

[tamed]

Echo, It is very hard to have a "normal" relationship with someone who has Aspergers as it is a form of Autism. You see, they are very self-focused and do not understand how to interpret, much less express, emotions.

J_9 as much as I value your opinions as a health expert, I must say that you have been severely misinformed about the definitions of Aspergers syndrome. Hans Asperger himself argued that those with the condition can function in the "normal world " if given the right social and emotional cues. You see, it is not that they are very self-focused, it is that they find it easier to be in their own world because it does not have as many confusing cues as that of the outside world. With help and guidance, they can also understand the basic forms of emotions, be able to interpret it and express it. Being an Educational Psychologist, I have worked extensively with those with ASD and Aspergers and have found that they are capable of human relationships but one has to be willing to go into their own world to explain to them how things work in the outside world. It is often though that those with this condition have issues with sarcasm and lying, but I have found that once they understand the concept of sarcasm and lying (in their own way) they can then incorporate it into their actions.

It will be hard to make him happy as he most likely does not even know if he is happy.

Again an understatement, if he is as high functioning as the OP has led us to believe then I am quite sure that he know when he is and is not happy. More so I think he knows what makes him happy and what does not even if he doesn't express this in his behaviour.

Your friends believe that he is selfish, well that is really an understatement with Aspergers. As I stated above people with Aspergers are very self-focued, not really selfish per se, but they only think about themselves and cannot fathom understanding anyone else's feelings, they just don't understand how to do that.

It is easier to say that they do not understand as that makes it easier for us to leave them alone but the truth is that they can understand if they are taught. This does not necessarily mean that the expected behaviour will come as easily to them as it does to us but they can learn to get by.

It is a mental disorder with no known causes.

Unfortunately, this sentence right here has just set us back decades, back to the early 1900s when everyone was accused of having being mentally ill. Thankfully, this is no longer the case. Thanks to Dr Kanner, Aspergers and ASD are no longer classified as mental disorders rather as a neurological conditions that with the help of Professor Baron-Cohen more research is going into helping those affected by this condition cope.

Just be his friend, if you get any more out of it, you are lucky, but please don't try to make him into something he is not.

Finally, it all depends on what you mean by something that he is not because according to your definition, he wouldn't be aware of her friendship so there would be no point in trying. My suggestion to the OP (if she is still around) would be to get to know him better, try to reach into his world first before you attempt to bring him into yours.

[Tuscany]

Wow tamed.

I would love to talk to you more on this subject. Autism research is what I am doing this summer (as well as curriculum writing).

[tamed]

Always happy to help, I'm still learning myself so perhaps we could learn some more together. It is such a relief to find a teacher willing to learn more about autism, most of the ones I have met couldn't care less. As far as they are concerned, ASD only affects the minority and it is thus easier for them to brush them aside than it is to find out more about how they learn.

[Tuscany]

AT my school Autism is not the minority, it is the majority. We are currently looking at developing a program using therapy dogs as a way to teach social skills. So far it is still in the planning stages though