Check out some similar questions!

ckpatj · May 12, 2007, 08:09 PM

I could really use some advice on this topic. Everything that I have researched provides information about some areas of concern, but it is a bigger problem than they discuss. Adam and I are faced with the problem of telling people(family) that we do not want children. This was determined early in the planning. Adam's mother is being very consistent with wanting her neice(s) at the wedding, but that is not what we want. We have tried to tell her this many times, but she feels that she is intitled to invite them because she has helped pay for the event. How do we get the point across that we do not want children. She wants four children, which is not too bad, but then I have to invite my cousins also which equals 10 kids. Way too many!! We are afraid to start a huge fight, but the invitiations clearly state adault reception only. How do we go about expressing our wants, without offending and fighting with the family. I need lots of help and suggestions!!

noeymc · May 12, 2007, 08:17 PM

Them I guess I would sit adems mom down and tell her we don't want kids at the wedding its our wedding and we want t our way she may say what ever she wants but you know what its your guys day no one elas its your time to shine not hers so tell her I don't want kids their sry but this is our choice hope this helps

gypsy456 · May 12, 2007, 08:29 PM

It is a little sad that Adam's mother, who helps to pay for the wedding feels she is entitled to have a say about this.
It's your wedding.
She helps you financially, but this does at a price by the sound of it.
That however is a completely different subject...

A wedding is a wonderful moment in our life.
A moment that bride and groom have carefully planned, emotionally and practically.
It is the beginning of a new episode in their life.
An event that is being celebrated on the wedding day with family and friends.
A happy event.
Weddings and funerals are often moments where family see each other, where we finally have the opportunity to be together "as one big family" and it's special.
I am sure that that plays a big part in the wish of Adam's mother to see the children at the family...
However, you don't want that.

In this situation it seems inevitable that you will offend people.
You sent out your invitation and it should be respected.
After all.. it is your day.

It's not easy to tell people that their children are not welcome.
Children are parent's pride... and I guess no parent likes to hear that their little or not so little ones are not welcome.
Be prepared that this will cause comment from your family or friends...

I do hope that it will not ruin your fun.
After all.. it is your wedding day.

Just one thought... do you see your family (and the children) a lot... do you celebrate birthdays and other holidays together.. are you close ?
Because if that is the case then you might ruffle some feathers...

Should you not be close to your family... well, then it's your choice that should be respected.

I hope this was of any help.
You brought up a very tricky situation...

All the best and have a wonderful wedding day.

Fr_Chuck · May 12, 2007, 08:31 PM

Well I have always believed weddings are a family event and children should be an imporant part of it, I have always refused to go as a quest when I could not take my kids.

So just tell her that she can't invite the child and offer to pay her back for all she paid for the wedding.

And since this is Adams mother, have adam talk to her, with you there, since this will be the start of destroying any relationship you would have had with them over a guest.

RubyPitbull · May 13, 2007, 06:14 AM

Ckp, unfortunately you have a MIL to be who feels that when she gives a gift, strings are attached. Prepare yourself for dealing with this throughout your married life. The last thing you want to do is to start by creating hard feelings with her. You need to make attempts to get along with your MIL to ensure your marriage isn't subjected to ongoing family issues. It can be very damaging to your marriage. I know this is your wedding and it should be your day. She refuses to accept this. So, I think I may have a solution to your problem that should appease your MIL to be, and keep you from having the possibility of screaming children at your wedding. Hire two or three very experienced baby sitters. Ask the parents of the children who they use to baby sit and if those people are capable of handling the kids and keeping them quiet. Or, go through a professional service. You can call a local hotel that offers this service to guests, to see who they use or find out if the reception hall has a service they use. Of course, the babysitters will have to be fed and it will mean extra people, but since your MIL to be is paying for the wedding, it shouldn't be a problem. Seat all the kids in the back of the church (or where ever the actual wedding is taking place) with the babysitters. Give the sitters instructions to take the children outside during the ceremony if/when they start acting up. At the reception, seat them all in the same area. Make it very clear to the sitters that they are completely responsible for these children. Instruct the parents of these children that they need to ensure that the kids listen to the babysitters and behave themselves. Let them also know that if the kids act up, you will expect the parents to help the sitters if necessary.

All of the above should minimize your contact and should ensure a relatively peaceful and non-disrupted wedding day. Good luck & Congratulations!

NowWhat · May 13, 2007, 06:32 AM

How old are the kids in question? Are they really young? When we got married, we did not want kids at the wedding. Just because they can get loud and no one would be able to hear our vows or would be distracted from what was going on. And as you know, planning a wedding is a lot of work.
When it came time to do the invitations, we did not add kid's names to them. It was just Mr. and Mrs. X, with their first names on the inside envelope.
We did have kids show up - they were a little older and it was no problem.
With my situation though, everyone was in agreement on this. You have to decide if this is worth potentially straining your relationship with your in-laws. If not, then I think the babysitter idea is great. They could be in a room outside of the sanctuary of the church and then have some one with them during the reception. It sounds like a win - win.

shygrneyzs · May 13, 2007, 06:43 AM

My cousin and her fiancé felt the same way - they did not want children at their wedding. My Aunts and Uncles were outraged and brought their children anyway - my parents included. I am sure we all ruined her wedding. She was devastated to see all her cousins in the church and at the hall. Looking back, it would have been the best for just the adults to attend and all of us cousins and kids could have stayed at Grandma's and Grandpa's farm.

So I hope you and your fiancé sit down with his Mom and discuss this. I like the idea of paying his Mother back what she has put into the wedding - it takes her power out of this. I agree with you - if you allow four neice's to attend, you have opened the door for all the others. Good luck to you and your fiancé.

Fr_Chuck · May 13, 2007, 06:56 AM

Perhaps the bride and groom should sit down and wonder how many other relations and friends they have insulted by not inviting their kids and how many other people will have hard feelings over this for the rest of the marriage. There are , as in shygrneyzs aunts and uncles that believe a wedding is a family event, and think it very rude and selfish not to invite them.

NowWhat · May 13, 2007, 08:02 AM

You had said this was an "adult reception". Are you planning an open bar? If there is going to be drinking involved - it might not be appropriate to have children present.
Again, I wonder the ages of these kids. If they are infants or small children - I could see not wanting to have them present. If they are 12 - they know to sit and be quiet during a ceremony.
I don't know if you have said this - but, why don't you want them there?

shygrneyzs · May 13, 2007, 10:27 AM

This is really a sticky situation. As Fr. Chuck stated - families get together at weddings and look forward to happy celebrations. So often one of the few times we all come together is a funeral. Then we say things like, "let's get together under happier circumstances".

You have your reasons and people should respect that also.

However this turns out for you, hope it works for the best.

gypsy456 · May 13, 2007, 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

ckp, unfortunately you have a MIL to be who feels that when she gives a gift, strings are attached. Prepare yourself for dealing with this throughout your married life. The last thing you want to do is to start off by creating hard feelings with her. You need to make attempts to get along with your MIL to ensure your marriage isn't subjected to ongoing family issues. It can be very damaging to your marriage. I know this is your wedding and it should be your day. She refuses to accept this. So, I think I may have a solution to your problem that should appease your MIL to be, and keep you from having the possibility of screaming children at your wedding. Hire two or three very experienced baby sitters. Ask the parents of the children who they use to baby sit and if those people are capable of handling the kids and keeping them quiet. Or, go through a professional service. You can call a local hotel that offers this service to guests, to see who they use or find out if the reception hall has a service they use. Of course, the babysitters will have to be fed and it will mean extra people, but since your MIL to be is paying for the wedding, it shouldn't be a problem. Seat all the kids in the back of the church (or where ever the actual wedding is taking place) with the babysitters. Give the sitters instructions to take the children outside during the ceremony if/when they start acting up. At the reception, seat them all in the same area. Make it very clear to the sitters that they are completely responsible for these children. Instruct the parents of these children that they need to ensure that the kids listen to the babysitters and behave themselves. Let them also know that if the kids act up, you will expect the parents to help the sitters if necessary.

All of the above should minimize your contact and should ensure a relatively peaceful and non-disrupted wedding day. Good luck & Congratulations!

This sounds like a very wise solution!
Great answer!

ckpatj · May 14, 2007, 06:36 AM

I do not have a problem with the children attending the ceremony- it is the reception that we have the issue with. There is open bar and all the children are under the age of 10. Not to mention that the funds are running low and I don't think it is appropriate to bring children to a place in which people are drinking in abundance.

RubyPitbull · May 14, 2007, 06:59 AM

I know how you feel ckp. Unfortunately, every wedding I have ever been to has that situation. I have never seen a wedding without liquor being served. What you may want to consider is having the sitters bring the kids to your MIL's (to be) house or one of the parents houses. Make sure they are supplied with games and food. If this is something that your MIL is fighting you on, can you seat the kids with sitters as far away from the bar as possible? Or depending on where you are having your wedding, do they have a smaller room that can be set up as the kids room?

I am not sure what else to tell you except maybe to have a discussion with the parents of these children and find out what they think should be done. If they are willing to keep the kids home with a babysitter, then it won't be a problem. But, if everyone wants the children to be there, put it on their shoulders to give you some constructive ideas and solutions to keep the kids under control and away from the heavy drinkers. :)

startover22 · May 14, 2007, 01:58 PM

Wedding are for families. I agree with Fr_Chuck. I haven't heard any horror stories about kids and weddings from my family members and we always went with our parents. Hmmmmm. Listen if it isn't the kids it will be something else. Not one wedding has been perfect in our family album, fun but not perfect. I enjoyed every reception I went to as a kid, I think I was also used for some big time needed "ice breakers" too. Kids are great for that. You know dancing on the mens feet, introducing kids to each other makes for a great conversation between people after the kids run off. You know stuff like that. Good luck and happy marriage.

gypsy456 · May 14, 2007, 05:58 PM

Originally Posted by startover22

Wedding are for families. I agree with Fr_Chuck. I haven't heard any horror stories about kids and weddings from my family members and we always went with our parents. Hmmmmm. Listen if it isn't the kids it will be something else. Not one wedding has been perfect in our family album, fun but not perfect. I enjoyed every reception I went to as a kid, I think I was also used for some big time needed "ice breakers" too. Kids are great for that. You know dancing on the mens feet, introducing kids to eachother makes for a great conversation between people after the kids run off. You know stuff like that. Good luck and happy marriage.

I agree with you Startover22.
My childhood memories definitely involved family parties such as weddings...

Family time is precious.

But... having said that... we are all different.

BLTDay · May 18, 2007, 06:02 PM

I have recently become a wedding photographer and being at a number of weddings, I ALWAYS here babies crying during the ceremony. I am getting married in 17 months and I don't want infants or small children who would be distracting at my wedding as well. This is YOUR day and I understand families want to show off their children, but your guests are coming for YOU and they should respect your wishes. I honestly don't know any advice... but if you find out a way that works out... please let me know! Haha Good luck!

Fr_Chuck · May 18, 2007, 06:37 PM

Well of course I do my share of weddings, ( a pastor) I do a lot of on locaton weddings, parks, hot air ballon, in a airplane, but also do church weddings.
And to be honest, up front, you don't hear the babies, you are zoned out, completely, and if the sound system is right everyone still hears the service.

And with that said, every, and I do mean every wedding has something that goes wrong, the one I remember the most is where they forgot the bride, they took her to get her hair and nails done a few hours before the serivce and droped her off, ( very small town, no taxis) well the small country church we were doing the wedding did not have a phone, and cell phones did not work there, So come time for the wedding, the bride was not there, the bridesmaid forgot to go back and pick her up.
We had a church full of people just sitting there getting hot and tired.

In another they were suppose to open the champane bottle, guess what no cork screw anywhere. And we won't even mention the champane bottle at the baptist church ( they don't drink) wedding planner had to answer for that one.

And I can't count the cake issues

But over all, children at the weddings seldom were ever a problem. And often using some as ring bearer or flower girls were the sweatest part of the service. ( well one ring went down a heater vent, make sure they are tied to that pillow)

And of course the time I forgot the bride and groom name ( there were friends so I did not have them wrote down)

gypsy456 · May 18, 2007, 06:50 PM

Originally Posted by BLTDay

I have recently become a wedding photographer and being at a number of weddings, I ALWAYS here babies crying during the ceremony. I am getting married in 17 months and I don't want infants or small children who would be distracting at my wedding as well. This is YOUR day and I understand families want to show off their children, but your guests are coming for YOU and they should respect your wishes. I honestly don't know any advice... but if you find out a way that works out... please let me know! haha Good luck!

I don't think it's about parents wanting to show off their children...
A wedding is for many people a happy celebration where family and friends are together to celebrate. Their children might be just as important to the person who gets married, so I doubt whether it's showing off...

Starbucks21 · Dec 29, 2008, 02:53 PM

All you or he really have to say is It's my fiance's and my wedding and we'd really rather have it without children there right now. They are wonderful but It's our wedding and this is what we want.

If she keeps changing things you and your husband both agree on... how important is her funding. Can you compromise?

For instance, is it possible for a financial compromise? Like you bring the kids but set up a cry room and a sitter for the reception? That way they can be there but not heard. And have the people with small children sit in the cry room and have coloring books in there in the first place.

starbuck8 · Dec 29, 2008, 03:02 PM

Since this question is almost two yrs. Old, I'm sure this ship has sailed.

I hope they decided on a solution that was agreed upon by all parties involved.