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sweetmelissa · May 11, 2007, 02:06 PM

My husband and I have a lot of sex but never make love. My problem is it is boring and predictable. I have tried everything to spice it up. How do I get him to become a better lover? I had a brief affair and the intimacy was THE BEST I have ever experienced. I ended it because I don't want another I want my spouse and I want it to be phenominal at least sometimes. He wonders why I don't want it more often. I have tried to talk to him and I have told him exactly what I want and he continues to do things exactly the same with no effort to change. Please help... any and all advice appreciated.

whiteladybug2002 · May 11, 2007, 02:10 PM

Honey, I am right there with you!

My husband is a great man and we have a wonderful relationship, but you put us two in a bed... and all fun and excitement is out! Same ole, same ole! His form of foreplay is, "You want to have sex?" I don't know what to do either! I have talked to him, but all that does is hurt his ego. I have tried myself to spice things up, but it goes unnoticed and the favor is not returned!

It sucks!!

sweetmelissa · May 11, 2007, 02:32 PM

Originally Posted by whiteladybug2002

Honey, I am right there with you!!

My husband is a great man and we have a wonderful relationship, but you put us two in a bed.........and all fun and excitement is out!! Same ole, same ole!! His form of foreplay is, "You want to have sex?" I don't know what to do either! I have talked to him, but all that does is hurt his ego. I have tried myself to spice things up, but it goes unnoticed and the favor is not returned!!

It sucks!!!!!

What to do? Good to know I am not alone. Sorry your in the same predicament.

whiteladybug2002 · May 11, 2007, 02:36 PM

Surely someone has some suggestions??

quaint11 · May 11, 2007, 03:27 PM

<raises hand>... I have a few.

Consider writing your husband a detailed "story" of a sexy fantasy you have of him or something you want him to do. If you could paint the perfect picture of what describes a hot night in bed, tell this story from the woman's perspective, and spell out what you would like.

Also, start taking little steps to entice yourself to want your husband. For instance, discover what turns you on, and begin implementing this measure before encountering your husband in intimacy.

For example, many couples have predictable sex lives. If this is true for yours, use that information to your advantage. Take a relaxing shower or bath before hand, spend some time alone in your room in the quiet, touching your body softly. Don't be afraid to do some of the work for him... after all, you will hopefully benefit the most from it.

It will take the pressure and your expectation off him, and the sex can be more about the sexual intimacy, which is what many of us ladies are really looking for. ;-)

I know most of us would prefer a man who already knows how the story goes, but unfortunately, life isn't fair, and we must often take matters into our own hands, so to speak.

sweetmelissa · May 11, 2007, 03:53 PM

Thank you Quaint11 I will try this. My toys are no longer satisfying:(

kepi · May 11, 2007, 04:36 PM

How about... letting him know you're simply NOT satisfying you. Instead of complaining about him, talk to him and let him know what you want. Relationships are about communication!

quaint11 · May 11, 2007, 04:40 PM

Here is a site worth checking out. :-)

Enjoy Great Sex -- ThirdAge

letmetellu · May 11, 2007, 06:28 PM

I am not sure how long you have been married but if it has not been long maybe your husband is just dumb about sex and the female body. All a lots of guys know is what they learned in the back seat of a car during a two minute poke. I have to tell you that there are also some girls that have no idea of just how a penis works but that does not matter that much because the guys desire is to have a orgasm and usually does in any case.

So I suggest to you to teach your hubby what your parts are and what they do to you. Tell his what you clitoris is and how to manipulate it to bring you to the heights you desire. Teach him that time is a good thing, and that maybe you could schedule your sex when there is not a ballgame on or a car race, giving you an hour or so of his undivided attention. Don't be afraid to talk to him, telling hem how each thing he does feels. Sex is in the mind also so go into his mind.

Fr_Chuck · May 11, 2007, 07:03 PM

Wear a costume to bed, get some body paints, and let him know, guide his hands as to what you want.

Get some marriage counseling, everyone needs it some, it sounds like you need it more than ever

AltaVista · May 11, 2007, 08:37 PM

Well, hard as it is to admit Sweetmelissa & whiteladybug, I'm the male version of you two. And it's been this way for 25 years. Yes we have communication and so on... it's just how things are. I'll leave it at that.
I'm so very sorry for your situation and believe me, it's not easy to deal with!

robertsqueen · May 11, 2007, 09:37 PM

I would try to spice things up before you two part. Give him a knock your socks off kiss, or whisper something dirty into his ear that you want to do to him before you walk out the door. Another thing to try is write him a naughty email or text message telling him how bad you want him and what you are going to do to him.

YeloDasy · May 11, 2007, 10:03 PM

Intimacy doesn't have to started in bed... and it sounds like there is an expectation that it will be bad, no matter what... it is a given... and sometimes it is doomed before you are even doing anything, just by your attitude, knowing it is not good enough...

So I would suggest a sex therapist... they will help you start over... relearn each other, yourself, and it can be fun things the therapist suggests. You will also learn to communicate, which brings the intimacy, even non verbal!

If you don't go to counseling, I suggest taking the pressure off sex, and just build intimacy. Think about what makes you feel close to someone... etc... cause if you keep your same doomed mindset, it will never be the way you want.

EnglishRose · May 12, 2007, 08:53 AM

Has anyone actally been to a sex therapist? I have the same problem, but I'm not even married yet! I'm just not sure this will work because I can barely get him to talk to me never mind a stranger but I have tried EVERYTHING!!

Ash123 · May 12, 2007, 02:13 PM

Ouch.

Why are so many men bad in bed?
The same reason so many men are bad at communicating with their S/O:
They put emotional connection secondary - unless it's of the son/mother kind:
see also Sigmund Freud.

Yikes. So, What can you do?

Take control. Do not expect a ham-fisted, wham-bam-thank-you-maam guy to suddenly become mr. velvet in the satin sheets...

BUT next time he is "in the mood" or you are - do it by YOUR rules... don't be afraid to act out what turns you on. And pleasure yourself however you wish. Say whatever you want. Do not hold back... and yes, make sure he gets to the finish line too... he'll wonder: "What the hell was that?!" maybe you will give him more. Maybe you won't... if he learns what you like - he may get more

More on this later.

Sunshine2 · May 12, 2007, 09:22 PM

Originally Posted by sweetmelissa

My husband and I have alot of sex but never make love. My problem is it is boring and predictable. I have tried everything to spice it up. How do I get him to become a better lover? I had a brief affair and the intimacy was THE BEST I have ever experienced. I ended it because I don't want another I want my spouse and I want it to be phenominal at least sometimes. He wonders why I don't want it more often. I have tried to talk to him and I have told him exactly what I want and he continues to do things exactly the same with no effort to change. Please help....any and all advice appreciated.

Rent a porn flick

kepi · May 12, 2007, 10:30 PM

Porn is not always the best choice- people become addicted to it.

Irena3 · May 23, 2007, 04:05 PM

I am in the same boat. My husband is the only man I have ever had sex with but I know what I want and after 17 years together he still does not know how to please me. He is a very selfish lover and talking does not help. GOOD LUCK.

steviebeezie · May 23, 2007, 04:08 PM

Frankly, some men really don't like hearing they're not doing it right. I can only hope that the advice of some of these fine people works for you. Just remember to remain honest about the sex problems with your husband. But don't pressure him too much, because that can cause problems of their own--so long as he's making an effort, coax him along gently.

letmetellu · May 23, 2007, 05:40 PM

Originally Posted by sweetmelissa

My husband and I have alot of sex but never make love. My problem is it is boring and predictable. I have tried everything to spice it up. How do I get him to become a better lover? I had a brief affair and the intimacy was THE BEST I have ever experienced. I ended it because I don't want another I want my spouse and I want it to be phenominal at least sometimes. He wonders why I don't want it more often. I have tried to talk to him and I have told him exactly what I want and he continues to do things exactly the same with no effort to change. Please help....any and all advice appreciated.

To many men do not understand how the female body works. It is not that they are not good lovers they just do not know what to do.

Men don't understand that a good night of sex may begin with him caring out the trash earlier that morning, maybe followed up buy a phone call durning the day telling her how much he loves her, and it would not hurt a thing to take her out to dinner that night. But that is not what a lot of men think, he thinks get in bed naked, that tells her what he wants, roll over on her and tries to slip it in, it won't go so he spits on his hand to lubricate things, then he slips in and after a few pumps he is through. Then he might ask "Was it good for you:?