[cak10]

I have been married to my husand for 11 years, and we have 2 children, my daughter is 14 and my son is 9. My husband has been with my daughter since 2 and she has no idea that he is not her biological father, he is my son's biological father. All her records Doctor, school, etc. show her last name as my husbands but her birth certificate and SS card show her bio's last name. How can we get her name changed. Bio can't be found and we don't want to hurt our daughter by telling her this late. Please help

CAK10

[LadyB]

You will need an attorney to file a petition for stepparent adoption, and will have to document any attempts at finding the bio-father to notify him of proceedings. Usually putting an ad in the paper and sending a certified letter to the last known address is enough. If he doesn't come forward within a certain amount of time, his rights can be severed by the judge and your adoption petition then processed.

I think it's unfortunate you didn't tell your daughter the truth, as it usually comes out sometime, somehow and she might feel betrayed. I would suggest you be honest with her and discuss it ASAP, and explain your reasons from keeping it from her.

[cak10]

I posted a question earlier about my husband adopting my daughter. And I got a quick response. Thanks so Much: but it was suggested that I tell her... Why?

Why should I tell my daughter that she has been adopted by my husband? He is the only father she knows. He has been there for every illness, troubled times, given advice, homework, he even stayed home from work the fist day she ever got her period just to offer comfort. So why should I tell her about a man who only knew her for 1 year and has not seen or talked to her since 1994. She's happy, doing great in school, just got accepted into the high school she wanted to go to and most of all she LOOOOVES her dad and he loves her, so why should I spoil that with her about a man she doesn't know, and further more did not want her in the first place? Surely some one out there has been through this and can understand my heart regarding this matter.

[J_9]

The reason is that when she does find out that she is not his biologically, and she eventually will, she will feel betrayed by both of you. She will not trust you or anything about you.

You see there may come a time (we'll talk medically since it is my specialty) that she will have to tell a doctor about her medical background... Say her child may need a transplant, that child will need to be tested for donors, when you husband tests, she will find out that he is not her father, or worse yet, if he refuses to test.

There may be other reasons, say she has a genetic disorder that manifests itself later in life and that genetic disorder does not run through you or her adopted father, then she will begin to ask questions as to where and why she got it.

Here is another scenario... Say she has a genetic brother or sister who needs a donor and they know about her, but she does not know about them, and they come looking for her to be tested.

She will see that you lied to her all these years. She will resent you and you will have lost her trust.

My husband was adopted at 3 months of age, and his parents never kept this secret from him. They felt it best to know if for some reason in his life he ever had to know his medical background.

It is always best that children always be told the truth.

[cak10]

She's 14 and dosen't know, how do I begin to tell her her dad is not her dad, my husband has always been there no one else, what about her feelings now and what if nothing ever happens medically. My gut is telling me to keep this the way it is. I'm torn, I'm afraid to tell my daughter.

[iamarcin]

As a kid I personaly wouldn't care and wouldn't want to know. I'm 22. If there is no problem in their relationship and no chance that the biological father will cause problems by coming bak than don't tell

[krystal1973]

This is a very contraversial issue, and in fact I have 2 very good friends who has keep this fact from their children so far up until the age of 21. I personally do not agree with not being honest with your children when they are mature enough to understand it. I believe honesty is the best policy with all people not just children. Although sometimes children are not old enough to know some things. You say you are afraid to tell your daughter, what are you afraid of? A biological parent is just that a biological parent, I believe that they have a right to know to know as well as their children, it doesn't mean that they have raised them or loved them. What was your reason for not telling her up until this point?

[Momof3girls]

She's 14 and dosen't know, how do I begin to tell her her dad is not her dad, my husband has always been there no one else, what about her feelings now and what if nothing ever happens medically. My gut is telling me to keep this the way it is. I'm torn, I'm afraid to tell my daughter.

Hi...
This is a really close to my heart situation. I got pregnant at 18 and didn't tell the guy I was pregnant. I started dating my now husband and he was there the whole pregnancy. I have pictures of me pregnant with him and he was at every appointment. My little girl is now 7 years old and has no idea my husband is not her dad. I will NEVER tell her. If a medical situation happened, you can handle it then. Especially at 14, these are crucial years. Don't give her something else to handle as she goes through them. You're an excellent mom for doing what you did. Think of it this way, any guy can help make a baby, only a real man can be a dad, so he IS her dad.

[Fr_Chuck]

I believe in being honest ( but the honesty should have started when she was 4 not 14)

She needs to know but to be honest, If possible I may hire a professional couselor

[chickenlopper]

She's 14 and dosen't know, how do I begin to tell her her dad is not her dad, my husband has always been there no one else, what about her feelings now and what if nothing ever happens medically. My gut is telling me to keep this the way it is. I'm torn, I'm afraid to tell my daughter.

Ask 2 speak to her alone go to her bedroom and say"i've got something important 2 tell you please don't be :mad: but your dad isn't your real dad then say your husbands name is and arrange 2 meet him:

[J_9]

Your husband is her Daddy, there is nothing that will ever change that, period.

But she has a right to know that she is not his biologically. As I stated earlier in your other post, that medical conditions can and do come up.

Her bio "dad" is just a sperm donor, nothing more.

But she does deserve the truth. If you and your husband were in an accident and she had to donate blood, she would find out then if the two were not compatible (I have seen it happen).

You and Daddy need to sit down with her and tell her the truth. She is old enough to hear it now. My husband knew from the first day that he could understand that he was adopted. There is no shame in that.

We had a post here a while back where the poster found out that they were adopted by one or both parents (I can't remember), but did not find out until after the death of said loved ones. S/He felt completely cheated and that her/his life was a lie and resented the rest of the family for not coming forward and admitting this once he/she found out.

You definitely don't want something this terrible to happen to you.

[Momof3girls]

This is a very contraversial issue, and in fact I have 2 very good friends who has keep this fact from their children so far up until the age of 21. I personally do not agree with not being honest with your children when they are mature enough to understand it. I believe honesty is the best policy with all people not just children. Although sometimes children are not old enough to know some things. You say you are afraid to tell your daughter, what are you afraid of? A biological parent is just that a biological parent, I believe that they have a right to know to know as well as thier children, it doesnt mean that they have raised them or loved them. What was your reason for not telling her up until this point?

Don't let this person make you feel bad for not telling your daughter. You've done the right thing. Her "biological father" is not in her life, therefore dumping this information on her would serve no purpose other than to make her feel separated from her daddy. You're a good mom.

[J_9]

This is all a very controversial issue, none of us are wrong, nor are we right. It is all a matter of personal preference.

No one should be made to feel right or wrong about their decisions, but we should all be informed about such decisions and the consequences each could bring.

[Fr_Chuck]

Because if she latter finds out, it will almost destroy her. Adopted people have a right to know, And the person almost always finds out.
That is why I always stress they are told and grow up knowing. There are even books about being a chosen or special child. To help teach them

14 is a bad age, and I am not sure how to do it. But as she gets older and is looking at blood types and believe me, some loving relation often stays something latter in life

[tawnynkids]

Like it was said about above this is a very difficult situation. Both ways have merit... honesty and "what ain't broke don't fix". I don't think this was really said above so I would like to offer... I think YOU should go to a counselor, specializing in children, custody and divorce issues. Discuss everything with them. They can guide you specifically as to when/if the right time to tell her would be and guide you through exactly how to do it and could begin to counsel her to help deal with the resulting issues she may have with it. I wish you the best.

[GV70]

Does your husband know about the fact... Whose name is on BS?

[tawnynkids]

Yes, Gv he does know. She has other posts that explain more about this situation. :)

[Fr_Chuck]

No one can make you stop lying to your daughter, and yes you have waited for too long and it is harder now. But what about her birth certificte she will need it to get a drivers license, she will need it to get into college

Also there will be questions when she asks for finicial aid in college about her real father, child support and the such.

It is going to come out, on whose terms is the only issue.

[J_9]

Good points I totally forgot about Chuck. She will even need it for a marriage certificate when she does get married.

[talaniman]

Children should know the truth from you, and not find out as a shock or surprise from some one else. Some one should be combining these posts to cut down on the confusion.