[J_9]

Hmmm, let me think then. You see David, I am very compassionate and willing to work with anyone that is willing to help themselves.

You have a beautiful family that would be devastated if they lost you. If my father got through this, so can you, it just takes time and the right people.

I hesitate to suggest to you what my father had to go through to get back into a life he deserved, it worked for him, but is very controversial, last resort sort of thing.

Now, you say this has been going on since you were 4. Is there a possibility of a repressed memory? I know, how would you know if the memory were repressed, however, it is food for thought.

Bear with me, I am just typing my thoughts as they come to me, okay?

Do you take any other meds besides the Lexapro and the Ambien (I think I remember that correctly), any herbs or supplements? I know you don't like meds, but I am just racking my brain here.

You have presented me with a dilemma and I am one to get to the bottom, I make a mission, if you will, of things I don't fully understand, until I get an answer.

Now, Lexapro is very well known to cause suicidal tendencies also, (hold on, I am reading my text), especially when taken for longer periods.

Have you had a liver enzyme test recently? It is possible that the Lexapro may have become a very high level, thus causing the suicidal thoughts.

[RubyPitbull]

Hello again. I had to leave for a while. I think it is good to discuss the meds and see whether they may be productive or harmful. David, am I misunderstanding something here? Do you already go for counseling and a psychiatrist prescribed these drugs? Or was this something your regular MD prescribed?

[PurpleLagoon]

To Ruby and J9: See if I can do a joint answer. Family dr. prescribed the Lexapro years ago, after some time, went up from 10 to 20 mg, can't remember when. He sent me to see a shrink for a while, because he couldn't prescribe the seroquel. Went through 2 shrinks in 2 years, first one retired, liked the first one, the 2nd one was a drug and label you kind of guy, I stopped seeing him on my own. The problem, I didn't fit any category, the first one said I was a walking contridiction. Didn't how I could be so rational on one hand, i.e. my line of work and career level, and be so irrational/delusional at others.

I saw a therapist for a while, but after a job lay off, lost insurance for a year and couldn't afford to see her. She was convinced of the ptsd stuff, but how do you know if you really remember something, or they are planting a seed in your memories, I have heard cases in both directions. Plus, why wouldn't I remember after 54 years.

I have 2 brothers and a sister, my mother is old, but alive, and no one can clue into anything in particular, other then I was an extremely sesnsitive child growing up, and the onlly lefty the family had ever heard of before.

[PurpleLagoon]

p.s. to last post. Along the road I have traveled, have been thought to have MS, which I didn't, never knew where the doctor came up with that one, and in the past 2 years, they thought perhaps it was asperger's syndrome, which I admit, would explain some of my bizarre background and thought process, but who knows.

[J_9]

Okay David, well you know through your job, hopefully, that finding the right therapist can be tough, you must learn to shop for the right therapist, and I am convinced there is one out there for you.

Do you have insurance now? Have you contaced NAMI? The branch here in Memphis is phenominal. I have used them on a number of occasions.

[RubyPitbull]

Well, I would have to say from reading your posts, your hypersensitivity is a bit more heightened than mine. Asperger's is an interesting diagnosis. Autism and Ausperger's have such varying and wide symptoms. Some are severe, some subtle. But, I think that might have been a cop out from a frustrated doctor. I think the problem is that you have not had a psychologist or psychiatrist who has a background or success with other individuals suffering from hypersensitivity.

By the way, I can explain the accounting aspect. That is the direction I went in when the psychology stuff didn't pan out. Numbers are logical. They make perfect sense to me. There is always a solution to the puzzle. I like the costing side of accounting along with problem solving. I enjoy the detail work and the rush I get when everything falls into place. Kind of feels like tumblers in a lock when you get the right combination. Just clicks for me.

I think the side effect of the med that J_9 found could be heightening the nightmare problem for you. As I have aged, they don't appear every night the way they used to.

I am going to do some research and see if I can locate anyone in your area who has had success treating people like us. I will get back to you on that.

Are you able to get back to sleep once you wake up from your nightmare or are you awake for the rest of the night?

[PurpleLagoon]

The long term use of the ambien, keeps me asleep, even in the most horrific nightmares, I rarely wake up, but as soon as I awaken, I am fully aware of both the horror and the detail to the ninth degree. You should see the nightmare journals I use to keep, sometimes pages of text describing in detail what they were, complete to pictures tinted with colored pencils. I stopped doing that a couple of years ago , but have at lesst 3 full journals full.

Yes, I can only work in utter detail, have always been that way. That's why I love numbers and accounting, the more compelx, the better. I get into personal kicks where I obsess over whatever my current subject of interest, and learn all I can till my head bursts with endless dsta. Then I move onto the next subject.

[RubyPitbull]

I was about to sign off for the night and saw your post. I am staying on for a few moments so I will be available to you.

The reason I asked about waking up is if you did, I would suggest you do what I do to get back to sleep. I thought that if you were sleep deprived, it would cause a problem with your functioning in your job.

Re: accounting. I do the same thing with the detail. I have to know everything about it.

I am not sure what else to tell you regarding your situation except that I think the medications you are on may be heightening the nightmare problems for you. I think it really is time for you to question what your doctors are prescribing. You mentioned that you just followed their direction and didn't question. I know it is something most of us do because we were taught that doctor knows best. But, after having a couple of real problems when I was a young adult, I realized that they don't know everything, and they can make mistakes. I question everything. If you don't actively handle your own healthcare, no one else will. I did find a doctor in your area that I think might be able to help you. Would you like me to Private Message you with the information? Will you make an attempt to seek help from someone new? Please let me know. I really don't like the fact that you are so tormented and I really would like to help you find someone who will help get you on the right track.

[PurpleLagoon]

Sorry Ruby, wasn't back on late last night, so sorry if you waited up, so to speak. Appreciate your thoughts and your care. Don't want to labor the same point, but the occurrences and regularity of the nightmares have neither been enchanced or diminished by taking or not taking meds. I can honestly say, the meds haven't made then worse.

Last night, I was spared with pleasant dreams, that was a refreshing respite in my world

[RubyPitbull]

When I saw that you signed off, I didn't wait around. So, no worries.

Well, PL, if it is not the meds, you still have a problem that you are having trouble dealing with. Are you willing to try switching doctors? I did find someone I think is in your area. Do you want me to PM you with the info? Are your willing to make another attempt to find someone who can help you get yourself out of this hole?

[PurpleLagoon]

Ruby: Haven't seen any doctor(s) in regards to all this for about 2 years now, perhaps a bit less then that. Perhaps, as I have done in the past, should just keep all inside my head, as I have never had any real relief in my life, never more then a few days at a time, then it always comes back with a vengeance. Perhaps this is some kind of pennance or purgatory, for what, I don't know.

[RubyPitbull]

David, you are a smart man. So, I am surprised that you would state such a thing. Why on earth do you feel that you have to continue suffering with this? No one should have to live the way you are, having one good night, then being plagued for days. What could you possibly have done to deserve this kind of "purgatory?" No David. No. I can't except that explanation. You owe it to yourself and your family to find out what is going on. You deserve relief from this, not continued torture. You deserve to find peace and you deserve some happiness. You do not deserve to be caught up in a lifetime of suffering, which apparently had been the case. No one deserves that.

[PurpleLagoon]

Well, when you have spent a lifetime of looking for logical reasons for the unlogical, one can't but help to look outside the box. I am a sinner like the rest of us, but I honestly don't think I've done anything that terribly wrong. I treat people with politeness, dignaty, and fairness, in a world of givers and takers, I am definitely a giver, sometimes even more then common sense would dictate. But perhaps a non-rational solution is the correct one. All the doctor's and meds have accomplished is to leave me more vunulabe and unsure. BTW, I write fiction, have had 2 novels published, so I have an avid and active imagination, if one t heory doesn't fit a solution, I can quickly think up other possibilities, including my own tortured existence.

[RubyPitbull]

David, you haven't done anything "terribly wrong". Look at how many people murder others for no rational reason. So, if you look at the big picture, there is no logical reason for "penance and/or purgatory." Thinking outside of the box is something that I do all the time. What I am saying to you is that you have tried the traditional route that most take. If you "can't but help to look outside the box" then that would translate into looking for other solutions. You haven't been to a doctor for a long while, but you are still dependent upon these meds. That tells me that your primary care GP is giving you the prescription, not a qualified psychiatrist. I truly think you have not found the right doctor for yourself. As I said earlier, you need to question everything. If one method isn't working, find another. You need to actively work on saving your sanity. You are not doing that. So, enough of this back and forth. Consider this your wake up call. You came here looking for help. I am trying to give it to you, and you are rejecting it. So, what is left for me to do here for you? What do you want?

[PurpleLagoon]

First all, Ruby, and I mean this more diplomatically then it probably will come out, I don't always have good social graces or tact, but I did not ask you to do anything for me, or ask anything of you, or anyone else in specific. Was tired of fighting this alone, thought I would take a wild gamble, for me, and try something like this forum.

I still have no positive plan in place. When you been through doctors, shrinks, physcoligists, neurogists, etc, and they scratch their heads, depsite the fact that my track record shows me to be a very willing and compliant "patient", it didn't leave me feeling real warm and fuzzy about that route.

I was secretly hoping that there might be another, or others, with similar or somewhat similar "quirks", that I might be able to glean from their experiences.

When you read that perhaps 5% of adults have chronic nightmares, and that in most cases, they are attributed to PTSD, or in some case, mental illness, etc. When those choices have been ruled out by the "professionals" time after time, what is one to think?

I can tell you for certain, I know how I think, and how my body feels, never been a communication problem with doctors or others attempting to help me. I know what I have described on-line here is very accurate, and if anything, doesn't do full justice to the torment one can feel under these circumstances.

Thanks for all your advice and your personal time and concern, I believe you to be sincere. But I ask nothing of you, nothing at all.

I will either run across a new solutioin, a new method, some how, some way, or eventually, I may just give in to the irrantional side of thinking, and take the matter into my own hands. Either way, I am certain I can finally come to peace with myself.

Thank you again for your kindness.

[J_9]

David, I am sorry I have been away today, and just stopped in for a moment. I did notice that you seem to be a religious man. Please correct me if I am wrong.

Have you ever talked to your preacher about this? Has he offered any suggestions?

You seem to get a little defensive when the idea of seeing a therapist comes up, but we have not mentioned clergy yet. Is this a possibility for you?

No you did not ask for anything from any of us. But we are caring individuals who donate our time here to help others. You came to us with what presented to be a problem, we are here to help offer solutions that may not as yet have been explored.

Now, as for the suicide talk again. You really don't want to do that, do you? How would it hurt your wife and your children, grandchildren? This taking the "matter into my own hands" does not really fly with us. So, let's put that aside for now and work on a solution.

How helpful is your wife with your problems? Is she compassionate? Does she understand? Is she someone you can confide in?

[PurpleLagoon]

Hello again j9. Taking the matter into my own hands did not specifically mean taking my own life, though that option is always on the table of course. I did see a therapist for over a year, think I had mentioned that. My wife is a nurse, a good nurse, but she has no understanding or training in areas of things you can't see, i.e. mental illness or related problems. And she admits this. When I went through my 3 bouts of cancer several years ago, in all honesty, my family was useless, they are played the denial game. Oh, dad is a tough bird. I even worked every day I had radiation, and it was in severe doses, drove myself to the clinic, then somehow got home safely, just to start it all over the next day.
Yes, I consider myself to be religious, but not pushy, and as I have gotten older, not churchy in the normal sense of the word. Another alternative when in my irrational moods, is to simply pack a few things and just drive off and disappear. I have fantasized about that often lately. Not the most responsible thing in the world to do, but at least a solution, and I wouldn't have to be a burden or a bother to anyone else. Just a passing thought.

[YeloDasy]

I just read this thread for the first time today. I really admire the commitment some of you have in helping people on here, including you, David. When I thought about what to write, I was a little hesitant because I do hear some defensiveness in the responses, but I am going to write my thoughts anyway! :)

My first thoughts were... have you found a support group? It sounds like you really relate and feel comfortable talking to others who have similar experiences. I, myself, have really intense nightmares... not nearly as often as you. I also have hightened senses, but not as intense as you on that either. And I can only imagine how tough some nights might be... it sounds like it really effects your life. And a support group might be helpful... not to give you advice or help with your expereinces, but to be there to listen and understand, because it sounds like you really liked those responses so far on here.

I do hear defensiveness in some responses to therapists, but I would suggest taking some time, make 3 appointments or so with different therapists, and find one that isn't about to retire, and one that you can build a healthy bond with... because I hear some other issues that may not be related to the sleep/nightmare issues, but that maybe it would be like a domino effect... take off some of the layers before the raw ones can be healed. I know I am sounding vague, but I know what I mean! :)

I think you have done a lot of work so far, and you have come so far in your life and accomplished so much, that you do deserve to have a more peaceful life and enjoy it more than you are able to right now. Even though that is not happening right now, you are doing the right things so far.

I know I had one more thought, but I lost it now. :) I will keep checking back to see what you all are writing and if I can add more input I will! :) What area do you live in and I will see about a support group.

Thanks for listening.

[YeloDasy]

Oh wait, I remembered!!

You mentioned having a journal of dreams... why did you stop? Unless it makes things worse, I think it is agreat idea to keep that up.

Also, you said that there have been times where you had a few peaceful ngihts... do you know anything different at those times? ANd next time that happens, I think you should notice what is going on around you that might be different, whether it is emotions, stress, events, anything. Anytime sleep in an issue, writing down everything in a journal is so important to see patterns. Take this with you to the therapist! :) I am guess you have done this in the past but keep it up.

Sometimes solutions is a comination of things... and just cause one combo doesn't work, you don't give up on all the components. You might keep one and relpace one... s\\\

And with the meds... it's the same thing... it's the combo of meds that makes a difference... you are brain doesn't not function independently of the hormone levels... and hormone levels no not function independently. So all the meds you have taken, the cocktail is what matters, not what each med does separately.

And the longer you are on one med, the harder it is to change the cocktail and know how it works. Keep being patient. My guess is this will never fully go away for you, but I really feel that it can be manageable... so don't give up! :)

Ok, if I have other thoughts I'll let yo uknow!

[PurpleLagoon]

Thank you for your kind words Erin. My, you have an interesting background. When I kept journals, in avid detail, it scared the bee-gee-bees out of the doctor/therapist at the time, said it was too disturbing, and I thnk he really didn't believe it was based on so many real nightmares.

I sleep well, 7 - 8 hours a night, except on weekends when I choose to stay up later, the Ambien sees to that. When I have a good night, i.e. dreams, it's a random thing, no rhyme or reason ever. Just thankful. I recently went through a bad spell of 5 weeks of continuous nightmares, had a break for one night, then back to the nightmares.

One positive thing I should add, is that in my current writing project, as a published novelist, I am utilizing the worse of the nightmares into the storyline, that and its based on an alleged haunted house I use to own and live in NH years ago. Figured I might as well unload this stuff somehow out of my head. About 2/3rds done, hope to have it in the hands of my agent this fall. First time out for me in the genre of horror. With my dreams, I could write a new one every year for some time.