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lynnirene · May 7, 2007, 12:38 AM

Sounds pretty awful, and it feels worse. But in the last two years 3 of my 6 adult children have made it clear they want nothing to do with me, and have claimed horrific things I have done to them.

Still sounds pretty clear that I am as accused, right? Well, I wasn't so bad when I cared for their children so they could support themselves after a husband bummed out on her. And I wasn't so awful when one of them wanted us for their baby's first christmas. And I wasn't so awful when one of them wanted to go on a trip and needed their baby cared for, nor was I so awful when I was asked to visit repeatedly, to give one of them 'a break'.

And all this time I was feeling like a happy grandma, and my husband was feeling like a happy grandpa. Where were all the awful things we had done in their childhood then? Why is it now being thrown at us like manure on a wall, it never goes away. Nothing we can say, and no discussion accepted.

And now comes Mothers Day. The worst day of my life. I always felt like a poor excuse for a mother, my own mother was 'unattached'. But I tried so hard. And felt we were actually having a good relationship with them when 'wham', it hit like a train.

Other children who are not disowning us, 3 of them. One says, he finds them at fault, and not to listen to them. Another says she doesn't want to take sides. Another has been hurt by them himself, and doesn't want to talk about it.

How do I stop crying? I tried my best. And now three daughters and their 4 children seem to be gone from me/us forever. Can I get a hard shell on my heart and brush it off?

My husband and I cry about it often. He's angry, I am hopelessly and forever crushed.

So, how do I get past the pain?

Lynn

isabelle · May 7, 2007, 02:54 AM

My heart goes out to you.
I have a very similar situation here. My adult son ( who always worshiped me along with his wife) moved back home. He started his own business and I helped. I used the resources of my home my retirement and everything I owned. I even worked nights (For free) so they could have a home life ( this was before I had a little girl of my own).
I noticed things going bad after about a year and I didn't know why. It got worse and like you there were many false accusations. For about 2 years I have had no contact with them, except when he comes to my house to show me a new car etc that he has bought. There was no contact and when there was contact they were very mean to me.
Now I never see or hear from any of them.. my grandkids do not know me, and I babysit and did a lot of things for them when they were trying to make it.
Like you, I am confused and hurt.
If it helps I can tell you that you are not alone. Just read some of these past posts. A lot of adult children are turning against there parents without an apparent reason.
BTW my son is now a very wealthy and successful business man, but I am not part of his life.I feel so bad for you and I pray that your children will open up and talk to you and you can work things out. It is a very confusing thing to try to deal with.
Please let me know how things go and I wish you every blessing.

Bluerose · May 7, 2007, 03:13 AM

Lynn,

What age are your kids? I went through that with mine in their late teens but I was having none of it because I WAS a battered and abused kid and I knew 'tough'. I got angry and told them to go take stock and sort their lives out. I never hit my kids so I told them that they don't know 'tough'. For whatever reason they had looked back and felt a little hard done by.

Don't stand for it. You and your husband got them this far, reason enough to expect their respect. You could also do a little soul searching to see if there is anything you might feel you should apologise for and ask for a fresh start.

I don't know the whole story but I have a sister who is run off her feet by her two grown daughters, she is already taking care of the children of one of them. They got a lot more than my kids got when they were young and now just seem to be acting like a couple of spoiled brats. Could this be the case here? Have you backed off from helping and giving so much, and they are now having small tantrums?

Your story sounds familiar to me. If you would like to tell us a little more about just what goes on it might help.

lynnirene · May 7, 2007, 01:30 PM

Hi and thanks for answering my post.

I have no contact with these daughters anymore. The first one just shut me out a few years ago, giving no explanation. Just simply stopped replying to holiday gifts and phone calls. To this day, we have no information about this one. This one I spent a lot of Amtrak time to give her a 'break' from the baby and a weekend off with her husband. This is my oldest daughter, she is 38 now. Has a well to do husband to take care of her and the children, 2 boys. She wants for nothing. Her husband is very kind and good, but she has a fiery nature and we doubt he will ever go against whatever she says.

The next one lives out of the country. She married in that country and we were there for the wedding. She invited us for the baby's first christmas, and took us on a weekend tour of their country. She began to not respond to holiday gifts also, and suddenly began sending me horrendous emails telling me what horrible things we had done to her as a child. I reacted calmly and tried to get a dialogue between us about the issues. She claimed that we took her to a mans house and left her alone with him while he molested her. My God, how would that ever have happened? Yes, we knewe the man, and WE KNEW he was a child molester, why would we leave her alone with him? My last letter to her was returned unopened. I had writtten to tell her about the condition of a brother who was ill. Last I heard, these two sisters were not speaking to one another. This daughter is 1 yr younger than the first one. This one just turned 36. This one is married to an international attorney and has hired help at home so she goes when she wants and leaves their 1 son with the nanny. Her husband is a good man, thank God, but he doesn't know us that well and will not dispute our daughter.

The last one is my youngest daughter. Her husband became an alcoholic after their marriage and during her pregnancy announced he wanted a divource, later marrying his barmaid, and having another child by her within months of my daughters child. She called and said she was coming back and we were happy to help her. The baby was just months old when she came and since she had to go to work, I was caring for the baby. A few yers later, on her own now, I still cared for the baby while she worked so she wouldn't have to pay a sitter, which she couldn't afford. She began dating and suddenly decided on her late shifts the baby would stay at the other gparents. Later I found out it was all night, and learned the other grandfather was a drug addicted alcoholic, their daughter had a live in boyfriend at the home, and that gma worked during the day. When I discussed this with her she became angry and refused to let the baby stay at night with us. Here she had a crib to sleep in, there she slept in another room in a play pen. My husband did her car maintenance, we helped her move once, and we loved the baby, our only gdaughter, and she loved us. One day she decided my husband had molested the baby, I assured her that didn't happen but told her to have the baby checked by the MD, which of course came back clear. She asked me not to let her dad be alone with the baby while she was here, and I said certainly, anything to assure you she is safe. Later, she tells me it really did happen and I am lying, and that I know about it. In a few months she is remarrying, a good man, thank God. We have never met his parents, and now they will be the new gpa and gma. This daughter is now 27, she will not even discuss this with the sister she is close to.

Yes, I did certainly acknowledge the teenage years as bad. Their dad worked nights and slept days, hard work. They all went kind of wild and I was helpless to contain the mess. Besides that my own mother was so in love with herself she had nothing good to say to me, and I have no doubt that hurt carried over to myself centered kids. On top of it all, it appears that two of the kids, that are still with us, are bipolar, and both their grandmothers are bipolar. I have spent a year with a phd. Psycologist who has helped me to understand this. She is worried about the daughter out of the country. I am worried about the fiery 38 yr old daughter.

My husband and I don't speak of it much anymore, it's too painful. We tear up when we see someone else with a grandchild to love. I recently have decided that it is not in my power to change their minds. My husband is furious at being called a child molester. I decided to not try and contact them and let it be their choice, it certainly is anyway.

Now, gpa, my husband does not drink, works at a hard physical job all day, sleeps hard at night (the baby wasn't here anyway). We have 4 daughters and in discussing this they all claimed their dad never touched them. To top all this off, I kept my word. To help my young single mother daughter, working hard and really struggling daughter, my husband and I kept our promise, and the baby was never alone with gpa, on that I can swear to on the bible,to God. Then, she comes up with a charge that gpa did molest and she never wants to see us again.

What the hell is going on? My husband and I have a perfectly normal marriage, neither of us have been molested, or have molested. Now this daughter has moved and we have no idea where she lives, a large city near us, that's all we know. As God is our witness, this baby was never touched by gpa. It is a false accusation. My husband was so stunned he cried for over a month every time he spoke of it. And how can she think that I am a culprit in something so horrible. She knows how we loved that baby, and how the baby loves us. Now she is starting school in the fall, we may never see her again..

We may never see our daughters again, and our 4 grandchildren. I am overwhelmed with grief. I can only try and send gifts to the little ones and hope they actually are given to them.

I cannot sleep at night, wondering how and why this all went so wrong. What is the cause of this terrible nightmare we're in. I can't discuss it with friends, somebody may assume my husband is guilty, God forgive them. My psychologist can't pinpoint the cause. Although she says that if our relationship were better with the younger daughter, she would have given us an opportunity to discuss it with her, and maybe she would see the truth of it. Other than that, we're just stuck with this pain.

If you have any ideas, any suggestions, anything at all to comment on, please do. I'll hear any ideas, any experience of this kind of problem.

So Sorry this post is so darn long, I guess I just had to spill my guts out here.

Lynn

phillysteakandcheese · May 7, 2007, 02:47 PM

I cannot imagine a more hurtful thing for a child to do to a parent than falsely accuse them of sexual abuse.

If your three daughters genuinely believe they were abused, and that you allowed that abuse to occur, you will certianly not be able to convince them otherwise. As painful as it is, I think you are doing the only thing you can:

I decided to not try and contact them and let it be their choice.

Within yourself, you have to let go of these three. Know within yourself that you did everything you could to keep them safe and raise them right, but that they are now adults and making their on way in life.

Accept that it is beyond your control, and beyond your ability to "fix".

Bluerose · May 7, 2007, 03:21 PM

Lynn,

I'm so sorry. It all sound such a mess. Maybe something did happen maybe it didn't. I don't think you are going to convince them otherwise. I agree with the above post, It is time for you and your husband to settle down and enjoy the time you have together. Once a family is split it is very difficult to get them back together. They are old enough to take care of themselves and their children. I would leave them to get on with it. As for the grandchildren, you could try to get visitation through the court but I can't help feel that that would open up a whole new can of worms. And you and your husband sound like you have had just about as much as you can take. Cut the ties that bind and begin to enrich your own lives together.

lynnirene · May 7, 2007, 03:21 PM

Thank you all for the replies, they have been all been helpful. I don't know why, with so many 'self help' books being sold, there seem to be none for this kind of situation. When it is apparent that this is not an isolated situation. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see if I can ever have my children and grandchildren to be with again. It's interesting, my one daughter that has stayed close me to me once said, 'do you think that maybe it's a blessing that they are NOT around you now?" It struck me as profound, but it doesn't ease the hurt. I wish I had that crystal ball. I have to admit, it did seem that sometimes I was allowing them to take advantage of me. And sometimes I wonder if my youngest daughter, with my only granddaughter was irritated with me because her baby behaved more when she was with me. And, perhaps, my oldest daughter became angry when my youngest daughter needed me more? And I gave her more of my time and help? I could never have turned down a mother alone with a small baby, even if it was not my own daughter. I was raised without a father, and I know how traumatic it can be when mom is always gone at work, or 'out' with a friend. It's a terribly lonely spot for a child.

I pray a lot, and I have faith they God is watching over them and us, but there is no break in that dark cloud over us, if I saw some little twinkle of light at the end of this scary tunnel I would have such gratitude.

I surely appreciate the advice you have offered. I am always open to suggestions.

Lynn

RubyPitbull · May 7, 2007, 05:53 PM

Lynn, you mentioned two of your children have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Is it at all possible that this illness may have affected the others? Is that what you were discussing with your therapist? It may very well be the case. For now, I think praying is the only thing that you can actively do about this situation. It is obvious that this is completely out of your control. The more you force it, the more they will pull away. You need to stop torturing yourself this way. You need to pray for guidance, for their safety, for their health, and for them to come back to you in their own time. Focus your attention on your husband and your other 3 children. I think it is good that you are going for therapy on this issue, if I understand what you have written correctly. It is important to your mental health to have a trained professional help you cope with this. I am so sorry you are in such pain. Find comfort in those who choose to be around you.

Bluerose · May 7, 2007, 11:03 PM

RubyPitbull,

"Find comfort in those who choose to be around you."

You can have no idea how those words hit me this morning.

I am also estranged from one of my children, my middle son. And I have no idea why. My older son and daughter are fine. I have a grandson living with me, my middle son's son, long story. Somewhere in a thread already. You would not believe how close he lives, about a ten minute drive away. We haven't seen him since last October. I don't care for myself... Well yes I do but I hurt more for my grandson. And the anger and the frustration has been building.

Then I read what you wrote.

And now I have just had my daughter pop in from working nights this week, asking me to take her son, another grandson of mine who sleeps here while she works night, to school because she is so tired this morning and she looked it. I agreed to do so.

That line you wrote above gave me the jolt I needed to concentrate on the ones who do want to be with me. Thank you.

Now I'm off to get two kids ready for school.

krystal1973 · May 7, 2007, 11:05 PM

Originally Posted by lynnirene

Sounds pretty awful, and it feels worse. But in the last two years 3 of my 6 adult children have made it clear they want nothing to do with me, and have claimed horrific things I have done to them.

Still sounds pretty clear that I am as accused, right? Well, I wasn't so bad when I cared for their children so they could support themselves after a husband bummed out on her. And I wasn't so awful when one of them wanted us for their babys first christmas. And I wasn't so awful when one of them wanted to go on a trip and needed their baby cared for, nor was I so awful when I was asked to visit repeatedly, to give one of them 'a break'.

And all this time I was feeling like a happy grandma, and my husband was feeling like a happy grandpa. Where were all the awful things we had done in their childhood then? Why is it now being thrown at us like manure on a wall, it never goes away. Nothing we can say, and no discussion accepted.

And now comes Mothers Day. The worst day of my life. I always felt like a poor excuse for a mother, my own mother was 'unattached'. But I tried so hard. And felt we were actually having a good relationship with them when 'wham', it hit like a train.

Other children who are not disowning us, 3 of them. One says, he finds them at fault, and not to listen to them. Another says she doesn't want to take sides. Another has been hurt by them himself, and doesnt want to talk about it.

How do I stop crying? I tried my best. And now three daughters and their 4 children seem to be gone from me/us forever. Can I get a hard shell on my heart and brush it off?

My husband and I cry about it often. He's angry, I am hopelessly and forever crushed.

So, how do I get past the pain?

Lynn

What is it that they are accusing you of doing in their childhood?

Queenbeewisdom75 · May 7, 2007, 11:20 PM

Originally Posted by lynnirene

Sounds pretty awful, and it feels worse. But in the last two years 3 of my 6 adult children have made it clear they want nothing to do with me, and have claimed horrific things I have done to them.

Still sounds pretty clear that I am as accused, right? Well, I wasn't so bad when I cared for their children so they could support themselves after a husband bummed out on her. And I wasn't so awful when one of them wanted us for their babys first christmas. And I wasn't so awful when one of them wanted to go on a trip and needed their baby cared for, nor was I so awful when I was asked to visit repeatedly, to give one of them 'a break'.

And all this time I was feeling like a happy grandma, and my husband was feeling like a happy grandpa. Where were all the awful things we had done in their childhood then? Why is it now being thrown at us like manure on a wall, it never goes away. Nothing we can say, and no discussion accepted.

And now comes Mothers Day. The worst day of my life. I always felt like a poor excuse for a mother, my own mother was 'unattached'. But I tried so hard. And felt we were actually having a good relationship with them when 'wham', it hit like a train.

Other children who are not disowning us, 3 of them. One says, he finds them at fault, and not to listen to them. Another says she doesn't want to take sides. Another has been hurt by them himself, and doesnt want to talk about it.

How do I stop crying? I tried my best. And now three daughters and their 4 children seem to be gone from me/us forever. Can I get a hard shell on my heart and brush it off?

My husband and I cry about it often. He's angry, I am hopelessly and forever crushed.

So, how do I get past the pain?

Lynn

Obviously 3 of your kids are being selfish and immature and it's funny how they came to you when they needed something or whatever and then pull the you're the horrible mother card. Your children need to grow up and stop acting like everything is about them they're adults now and you did your best and if your best wasn't good enough it's their problem not yours. Your kids are lucky they didn't grow up with a mother who was just as emotionally unattached as their grandmother.

Bluerose · May 8, 2007, 02:21 AM

"Your kids are lucky they didnt grow up with a mother who was just as emotionally unattached as their grandmother."

So true. Just as mine are lucky they didn't grow up with a dad who had a borderline personality disorder and committed suicide when he was 41 leaving my mum with five kids.

lynnirene · May 8, 2007, 12:03 PM

Only one daughtre, the one who lives in another country, has said that we actually did things to her, and after having some good and happy visits with her she all at once began sending me email accusing me of doing terrible things to her as a child.

She stated that we drove her to a mans house and left her there alone while this man molested her. Never in my life would I have left a child, any child, alone with a man, anywhere. She also claims that we let him take her somewhere in his van. All of this is sickening to my soul. And there was no way I could discuss it with her, it just brought on more angry emails. Then it just became a string of accusations, like letting her poop her diaper when she was being potty trained, how humiliated she was, and I was only interested in contimuing to pick strawberries and not take her to a bathroom. Does this sound as farfetched to anyone else as it does to me. While she was being potty trained, I had another daughter one year older than her, and their older brother who was terribly hyper active. Strawberry picking with those three would never have happened. I used to buy strawberries, by the flat, and bring them home to eat fresh and make some ice cream with it. Can you picture this? I saved the emails, and my responses. I gave copies to my therapist to read. And this is the one child of mine that she is worried about. Last year she emailed another sister, who she hadn't spoken to in years, sent her copies of her emails, but did not send copies of my responses. Her sister did not care to read them, but she did explain to me what happened.

Yes, I do have two bipolar children, also adults. One is extreme and it was a long time helping him to gain control over it, he's been through hell. He's still at home with us but just begging to look for a place of his own and check into going back to school. Our agreement with him was he could only stay here if he took his prescribed meds, and he has been faithful about that, I am proud of him. Another daughter is bipolar and is struggling to achieve control over it, she is on her own, and trying very hard. It saddens me to realize how much the three sisters who have such contempt for my husband and I are willing to keep a distance from these two siblings who could use their encouragment and support.

My oldest son is adopted, grown with his own family and lives in another state. He listens patiently to me and then tells me I was fine as a mother, but is reallly angry with those three. He doesn't care to see them now. There was a time when they were all kids together, doing kid things, but as they grew up the two oldest girls decided he wasn't their brother and flatly said so. I am not proud of what my daughters have become. I don't think it reflects anything my husband or I have taught them, they are people I would not choose to be friends with. But they are my daughters, and their children are my grandchildren. Its such a struggle to know these little ones who look like my husband or who look like me, knowing they are growing up, and we can't be part of their life.

I am glad I posted here. This has been a great source, call it group therapy I guess. All of us have our own struggles, and the feedback to one another is very supportive. No one here is mouthy or rude, just thinkers who try to be supportive. I have had as much comfort from this forum as I have from my therapist. I was expecting my usual mothers day tears, now I don't think they will come.

Thank you all... Lynn

1badchoice · May 8, 2007, 06:23 PM

I am truly sorry to hear the pain your going through. I hope that everything they are saying is in fact not true. Just want to give you another perspective on this... I myself had parents who were neglectful and left me in a situation that allowed me to be assaulted. It went to court... he was prosecuted. It didn't stop my parents from caring for him as their sibling. Over the years I had memories that were always there, memories that were fuzzy, and some that surfaced later. While I know this happened (was prosecuted) there were aspects I couldn't be clear about. Not only did this painful thing happen but I dealt with it in many different ways throughout the years. Often dreams were a part of the insanity that I felt. Several incidents that I "remembered" were a bit unbelievable as I got older so I talked with my parents. I "remembered" being in the same waiting area while waiting for the prosecutors to take another of my statements. My parents insist this NEVER happened. I believe them. For whatever reason, some of my real memories were interspersed with "fuzzy" unbelievable memories. Maybe something of this nature has happened to your daughters. There is just no knowing for certain.

I, having been abused, thought I took the ultimate safeguards to prevent my children from coming to similar harm. Just last yr my oldest daughter told me that her father abused her during a couple of his court ordered visits. She never told me. I always told my kids to tell, tell, tell. If not to me, then to someone, yet she didn't. The guilt, anger, hatred I feel is unbearable at times. But the bottom line is... I did not abuse my children. What someone "feels" cannot be reasoned with. It just is. Sometimes through a person not having enough of their own personal growth/knowledge.

I see my kids getting older and making statements that are extremely hurtful. And often untrue but they believe them. My youngest daughter insists she remembers her father getting into an accident with his car hanging off an interstate over another interstate. NEVER happened. She still believes it.

All you can do is take care of you, continue to love them as their mother, remember the job you did (as a mom), and focus on the good. I see this from both perspectives. I have had to tell my kids that certain statements are not acceptable even if they feel them... such as "I hate you". It makes it too easy to say whatever they want in the future. Not being responsible for hurtful things they say, etc.

The last thing I want to say is to reiterate what was already stated... with two of your kids having bipolar it is much more likely that your other children could have a "mood" disorder. That combined with misunderstood memories and "false" memories could be part of the problem. Just know... in your heart... if you did a good job parenting them... it's there. Try to take heart in knowing that you did what you could with what you knew. You could not do anything with information you didn't have.

Not sure if this is too lengthy and unclear but I hope it provides some perspective on possible reasons for your children's beliefs and behaviors. Truly. Cathy

lynnirene · May 8, 2007, 08:00 PM

1BadChoice,

Your post was perfectly clear to me. I understood all. I agree with you that children often recall things that actually did not really happen. I have spent many a day telling myself to be patient and pray for them, that they will be well and happy somehow. I understand the fear a child must have when anything frightening they remember could be true. True or not, the fear isn't any less isit?

I think most adults can recall feelings like this even in their own lives. Getting a letter from the IRS? Scary, even if it's not really anything to worry about. Worrying over someone you love being in the hospital, and not knowing if they will recover. All kinds of things can come into my imagination when I worry over someone. Just because it doesn't happen doesn't mean I didn't loose a lot of sleep over it, or go sick with grief worrying over it.

I do have empathy for my girls. I can imagine how awful it must be for a youing mother alone to think her own father molested her child, how sickening can life be anyway? I have passed off a lot of deeds and statements as being from their vantage point, which is really not well experienced in life. But the pain in our hearts is killing our spirit. I am glad to have all your experiences and advice. Some say you should never give or take advice, phooey. How would we maneuver this world without somebody sending us some kind of signals?

I know I have been encouraged to follow my decision. Leave them alone, pray for them, and for us, which we have been doing all along. But now I really think I can sleep better, and I think I can get through mothers day without the usual crying. I am really glad I stopped in this forum and posted.

Lynn

1badchoice · May 8, 2007, 09:50 PM

Lynn,

I truly hope you in no way took what I said as an indictment of your or your husband. I only wanted to give you possible reasons and ideas of why this might happen. As well, that children these days have been raised in a different environment. Your daughter's may have had some past trauma that had absolutely nothing to do with you or your husband but that have been attributed to them. I know for years I hurt more about my parents not preventing this abuse than I did about the actual events. Sounds really messed up I know. We just view our parents as our protectors. Then again, it could be that their memories are false... fueled by mood disorder (bipolar, depression) that is not being treated. I suppose what I want to do is give you hope... and the realization that we (as mom's) do the best we can, give the best of ourselves. There is nothing more we could do... and that we need to hold on to the love we know our children truly feel for us. Especially during a time when they are lost, searching, unwell, or just growing in such opposite directions. Giving them the unconditional love we have... not accepting their truth as our own. If you KNOW this to be untrue. Even though my children are young still... they say hurtful words, choose hurtful actions, and take paths I don't approve of or want for them. Letting them go... to walk on their own is one of our last tasks as full time mom. Take heart. Know you are loved. They just aren't able to express it right now.

This is such a delicate subject that many will steer clear, make snap judgements, or be extreme in advice. Remember that YOU did not abuse or neglect your children. You did what you could to care for and protect them. That's what being a mom is...

I personally celebrate mother's day remembering the life I gave birth to, the stepping stones I helped them to reach, and the love that only a child can feel... so deep, unconditional, unbiased. Remember this of your own children.

Cathy

brandy681 · May 8, 2007, 10:41 PM

This is simialr to a lot of people from what I have seen. My mom has been there for me and my brother and I love my mom so so much but my brother is never around. I cry a lot about this because I am 22 and he is 28 and it seems like since he was 18 he has not been around. He got his own job with his dads business and is very distant but he does want to have things to do with us and he don't despise us but he is rarely around nor does he call a lot. When he does call or we call him he sais he loves us and misses us. With my aunt it is the same way because she has 7 kids and 4 are always around and 3 moved far out of state and don't really have much to do with there mom, my aunt. I have to say that you can only raise your kids as best that you can and what happens when they get older things change and they go there separate ways and some stray from home and became angry and spiteful, ungrateful for some reason. I wish families would stay close sort of like a TV show where everyone gets together for the holidays like 7th heaven but most of the time life don't turn out that way. I wish to God I had a much bigger family with brothers and sisters etc but unfortunately I am alone a lot but I have my mom.

lynnirene · May 9, 2007, 08:27 PM

Brandy,

Have you thought of including someone other than your family, who doesn't have anyone, like you? While I was growing up my dads family had a couple of people who were without family. I was almost grown before I learned that they were not aunt or uncle, but really close friends of the family, but we did call them aunt and uncle . Now I understand, and have even thought about being 'extra' grandma and grandpa for some child that doesn't have anyone close. First I have to get my head and heart clear of some feelings. It can't work unless we can have our heart in it.

It's just a thought. Maybe, if your mom knows someone she would like to have them over some and see how it goes. There are so many people who are alone in this world.

Lynn

lynnirene · May 9, 2007, 08:52 PM

Krystal,

I answered this the other day but now I can't find it, so I'll reply now.

There are a whole lot of things that are mentioned, but the worst, for me are these;

The one who lives out of the country tells us we took her to a mans house, alone, and let her ride in his van, and he molested her. No way in hell would I let my girl go to a mans house or ride in his van, alone. Another is how I humilitated her when she was potty training, still in diapers, because I let her poop her pants while we were out picking berries. Now, that may seem trivial to you, but to me I could understand how she would have felt, but I have to tell you I had 3 kids under 5 at that time, the oldest hyperactive, and the others were 1 yr apart. I bought berries, never would I dream of taking that bunch to pick with me. I know this sounds lame, but it's just a very long list of how horrible I was to her. This was last year.

The oldest one just simply stopped responding to email and phone message and holiday gifts a few years ago. I suspect she was upset that I spent so much time with her youngest sister, helping her. But I have never gotten an answer.

The youngest is sure her father molested her baby girl. Once she said the baby told her her bottom hurt, and she's crying because she thinks someone had molested her little girl and I tell her to have the dr look at her and the dr says she's fine. Then my daughter asked me not to let her dad alone with the baby, since she was a new mother, all alone, I said of course I would. I wanted her to have time to think it out. A year later, she claims he still molested her. Only this time we had since we had agreed to keep our promise, gpa was never alone with her. But, my daughter thinks I am lying and protecting him. All the time she's taking the baby to the other gparents where there is an alcohol and drug addicted gfather, gma who works all day, daughter who has a live in boy friend, and the baby is allowed to stay over night there? I think, my daughter was overwhelmed, and scared to death that something had happened , and was grieved to acknowledge that.

My psych tells us that had my husband had a closer relationship with her, it could have been discussed and she would have realized she was mistaken. But, dad worked almost 24/7 when they were growing up. He was rarely home. And he sure regrets it now.

I guess that's enough to say now, it gets hard to say it over again. Sometimes I think I'm going nuts. It's like a wound that will never heal.

Anyway, my prayers are that they will soften their hearts and somehow our family will be healed. All I can do now is pray, for them and for us.

Lynn

Long story huh? I was retold little of it. It's just too scary to type over again.

MissAdvice · May 9, 2007, 09:03 PM

Sometimes, children tend to be ungreatful in their thinking. Maturity comes in time. Children often expect parents to do the same things for them as adults, as they did when they were kids. If you feel that you did nothing wrong, stay warm to your topic, give them space and let it work it self out. The more you push the more they pull. I know it hurts, but time heals all wounds. My advice to you, is to just send them a card, stating that you love them, but respect their desire to stay away. Let them know that you are there for them if they feel the need to communicate. And also let them know, that they only get one mother in this life. And then let it go for now. I would not allow my children the benefit of letting them know what hurts me, they will use it again and again.