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startover22 · May 3, 2007, 01:30 PM

Ok, here is the deal: I have been married for 11 years, I love my husband and my 4 kids. I am changing mentally, from what I used to believe to what I believe to day. My husband is a strong republican, so I was one too. I can't say that I disagree with him entirely, but my views on politics have changed quite a bit since we have been together. Starts some arguments but I can handle that. This is just an example of many things that have been changing in my mind, the last 5 years it has been really hard for me to come out with my point of views to my husband, I feel like I am not the same girl he married sometimes. He is exactly the same man I married. Anyone have any suggestions to make me able to "come out" on some issues with him? He is a strong headed man and he has a hard time when people see things in other ways.

tickle · May 3, 2007, 01:59 PM

Here is my take.

You married a mature guy, your were a tad more immature in your political views and not really too worried about it because you defferred to him in most cases. Anything he said, you agreed with, at the time. Now, after having four kids you have probably matured so much more and possibly gone way beyond him in your beliefs. This isn't unusual.

Yes you have grown and probably still are.

You are and he are going to have find middle ground and its going to be hard for you to do that. I suggest you get a group of people, maybe close friends together, make it an involuntary discussion group (people who absolutely know you have matured) and bring up topics you are strong about so that he can see you have your own opinions, because I assume that is what you want him to see, right ? Think about this, maybe no in my format, but at least you will have some ground work. Good luck !

startover22 · May 3, 2007, 02:06 PM

I have definitely been growing, I think I am sure of that. Not that he was mature, I was 20 he was 22. I think mostly he is too hard headed to change his view, kids, gays, parents, money, and so on. He won't budge. I am going to get that group of friends over, (when I can) and see what happens. If politics are brought up, I stop it immediately because he gets all crazy over it. He has calmed down a bit but it still bothers me. When we met, you are right I did agree for the longest time, on his views. Four kids has played a big part in that now! Thanks for the advice.

tickle · May 3, 2007, 02:14 PM

I am glad you saw my point. You are right, politics and religion are two areas I stear away from although had to get past the religion one.

By the way, if you liked my idea, rate my answer... thanks !

startover22 · May 3, 2007, 02:19 PM

I just got to thinking, when we do talk there is sometimes hostility in his voice from my answers to his questions. I think I may have a harder time explaining my views than I do in believing in them. Does that make any sense?

startover22 · May 4, 2007, 10:55 AM

He and I had a first heated conversation about some things last night. It was so nice because at first I thought it was going no where, then all of a sudden it was a delight to hear him hear me. We talked a lot and then fell right asleep on the couch, woke up and couldn't stop talking about stuff some more. Not the real important topics, but it was all good.

tickle · May 4, 2007, 01:48 PM

I am really glad that worked out for you, just keep up the dialogue and you will be at first base! Then you two will be conversing on the same wave length from now on :) Open communication is the most important item in a relationship, married or not. There is so much give and take to be appreciated. I am very happy that you are satisfied with the first encounter. Tiring, isn't it ?

startover22 · May 4, 2007, 01:55 PM

Yes, it is tiring, but I really want to grow with him and not without him, if that makes any sense. He has always been there for me and I him. We love each other and have made a pretty happy home together. We were young and very stupid when we got married but we figured a lot of stuff out over the years. I think we are on the right path. Thanks you so much, I think just saying something about it helped me take that first step. You have been great.

shatteredsoul · May 15, 2007, 02:59 PM

I am so proud of you for understanding your growth and maturity as a woman. YOU are definitely figuring some things out for yourself that maybe before you always agreed with your husband. There is nothing wrong with changing your views on politics, religion, or anything else for that matter. That is a wonderful thing, to not stay rigid in your beliefs. I guess I won't be having any heart to heart talks regarding politics with your husband anytime soon because he would probably think I am some tree loving hippie liberal. That is o.k. though. My husband thought differently when we got together. Slowly but surely he understands more of my perspective, and he respects me for it. I guess it is difficult when things that seem so clear to you, make no sense to him A lot of issues that people make political, don't have to be. They are more human issues, like creating a country that doesn't abuse its resources, creating alternative sources of energy. Also, creating alliances around the world, instead of being a bully to it. I could go on and on about that stuff. I know the gay issue is a big one, and that is more a personal thing, than a political one. This administration has created so many problems for this country, the ultra conservative republicans who want everything run their way. They have dismantled environmental protection laws that have been in effect for over thirty years! For what? To have access to our national parks, protected reserves, so they can drill for oil! Oil that won't last and continues to exploit our natural resources. Forget about the animals, or your right of privacy. Or better yet, a war with the wrong country, no funding for our troops and the blatant lies and deceitful things they have fed the citizens of this country. Look, if there had been a decent, moderate Republican running for office that cared about global warming, poverty, education, and the Military, I would have voted for him. We got dumb and dumber. Except, Cheney isn't dumb, he is evil!! He has contracts overseas to make millions off our troops. He has support of special interest groups that are detrimental to our country. They support outsourcing our jobs, to people of other countries. Giving away our jobs to foreigners, to pay them pennies. Why? So they don't have to pay taxes. The rich get richer, and the poor get poorer. The middle class is disappearing rapidly, and this is part of it. I won't go off any more on a tanget, I just wanted you to know, my husband didn't agree with all of this when I met him, He doesn't agree with all of it now. However, because we talk about these subjects, he comes around a little more each time. I have the most conservative, religious family (except my mom and dad) and it is difficult to have discussion without them getting heated. Yet, I have to admit, it is stimulating. Not everyone will have the same views, that is what makes us unique. Discussing political issues is important, it is critical to freedom of thought and expression, it is what makes us American. Not capitalists, but Americans. I am thankful I can say what I want. You should be thankful for this opportunity you have given yourself, it won't drive a wedge in your marriage. It will create a new perspective. It will give him an opportunity to respect your thoughts and opinions and validate them, even if he doesn't agree. You can still raise your family in a happy home, there is nothing wrong with a little debate here and there. It will keep you feisty and he will admire that, even when he is saying something different. Men like a woman with her own mind. Allow it to flourish and create new meaning for you! YOur children will appreciate your thoughts also. It will give them respect for you. It will let them know how to use their mind and express their views and beliefs, regardless of what other people say.

startover22 · May 15, 2007, 03:10 PM

I have one question... How in the hell do you pay your phone bill? You have so many things to say and I notice sometimes you stop yourself in the middle. What if you didn't stop? Would this go on and on and on? You are so cute. Silly. Yes, I don't agree on something's he does, but I also agree with him on lots. I feel so two sided sometimes. See you soon and thanks!

gypsy456 · May 15, 2007, 03:44 PM

Originally Posted by startover22

Ok, here is the deal: I have been married for 11 years, i love my husband and my 4 kids. I am changing mentally, from what I used to believe to what I believe to day. My husband is a strong republican, so I was one too. I can't say that I disagree with him entirely, but my views on politics have changed quite a bit since we have been together. Starts some arguments but i can handle that. This is just an example of many things that have been changing in my mind, the last 5 years it has been really hard for me to come out with my point of views to my husband, I feel like I am not the same girl he married sometimes. He is exactly the same man I married. Anyone have any suggestions to make me able to "come out" on some issues with him? He is a strong headed man and he has a hard time when people see things in other ways.

Dear Startover22...

I am European and I will not discuss politics on this board.
Firstly because I have not been here long enough to have a strong opinion about it and secondly because I am Dutch, we are very liberal and I am often surprised in the USA.

Having said that... I will react as a woman :)
It makes sense that you have changed and grown over the years...
The girl who married has become a woman...
You have become a mother, your view on the world has changed and with that our political view tends to be affected.

I think that the most important would be to "agree that you can disagree..."
Some people are more "hard headed" and more passionate about their political views than others and that can make it harder to communicate.

Maybe that is what you -but I am just guessing... - feel as the hostility in his voice ?
Anyway, as long as you keep communicating it's good.

And you know what...
I think that it's not unusual to feel two-sided in relationships/marriages.
Often opposites attract and that means two different meanings.
As long as we can respect eachother's view and keep communication flowing it's fine. \

All my best,

Gypsy

ordinaryguy · May 15, 2007, 06:03 PM

So if I calculated right, you're 31 and he's 33. The late twenties-early thirties is an important transition point for most people, so it's not surprising that you're changing and that these changes are being reflected in your relationship. I think it's great that you're able to express yourself more openly, and that he's apparently willing to listen and appreciate that you have something to say.

One of the biggest fictions around is that we become fully mature adults at age 21. It takes at least another 10 years. Even people who try to stay in the early twenties version of adulthood are eventually dragged along, kicking and screaming all the way. Not a pretty sight, and those who resist too long become pathetic figures. I myself narrowly escaped such a fate.

shatteredsoul · May 16, 2007, 06:30 AM

That is my problem, I have too many things to say. That is my downfall. I don't think you are two sided, you are multi-dimensional. You are not a shallow person. That is a good thing! I think you get better and better the more you continue to evolve, grow and question what is going on around you. It is o.k. to not fit into one specific box or another. Just continue to be true to yourself and your beliefs.

startover22 · May 16, 2007, 07:52 AM

Thank you guys. I am feeling just that way. I am making some serious changes and baby changes as well. They seem to affect me the same though. I really appreciate the great talks, I just love them!

startover22 · May 16, 2007, 08:02 AM

Shattered, please let it out babe, I love reading it and hope I did not offend you about the phone bll. It was meant with humor. Give it up girlie! And thanks for being here...

shatteredsoul · May 16, 2007, 09:06 AM

NO, you didn't offend me at all! I laughed when I read it. Thank God I get free long distance on my cell phone! LOL I enjoy everything I read from you. I just think I am wasting everyone's time with my emotional tirades. I read what I write and then I think damn, I sound like a know it all. I am a passionate person, but believe me, more often than not, people get uncomfortable with that. I guess I am trying to avoid saying too much anymore. I feel kind of stupid.

startover22 · May 16, 2007, 09:11 AM

No, I don't think you sound stupid. I actually am going to take some classes on getting all my feeling in words, from you. I can't seem to get them out of my mind sometimes. I just like the fact that you recognize all that you have with what is going on and your family too. You are very very passionate and that it what brings me back to the posts every time. I love having this place as my "own" place to write things that the people around me might be offended or they just won't understand. So be it. We are hear to listen. And sometimes more. See you soon.

startover22 · May 16, 2007, 10:54 AM

Gypsy, thank you, I forgot to tell you that. I am definitely changing, and it is a funny thing to see. I thought I would be "that" way forever. Thanks for the imput and hope to hear from you along my journey!

shatteredsoul · May 16, 2007, 12:24 PM

Yeah, you are right about that. IT does feel like my own safe place. I feel like I am sneaking around when I am typing sometimes, but oh well! I think you put your feelings into words quite nicely. Although it is great to want to learn to be better at anything, that is a sign of maturity. It's weird how you have all these definite ideas about the world and then something hits you and it all starts to change. I appreciate the compliment, on seeing me write with passion. I just try to speak what is true from my heart. I remember when I went to college. My prelaw classes were hard sometimes, but so stimulating and gratifying. I was nervous if I would do well, especially because my mom is a professor -same school,(English literature is one of her specialties) She is probably the one who I get my writing skills from. All of her colleagues were my teachers. NERVE WRACKING!! I got lucky and fell in love with my classes. Philosophy of Law was a great class, so many things to think about! I ended up doing pretty well. Then I graduated from college and I couldn't wait to go to law school, become a lawyer, then a judge. I looked forward to all the intellectual stimulation and debate. However, my little man came along and changed the plans a little bit. I turned my focus to everything we have been involved in. I was really involved in doing work and campaigning in the last election. It was a humbling loss. I am happy for the experience though. What I am saying is that, in whatever small way you can learn something meaningful, or find a unique way of expressing yourself is a great thing! It doesn't have to be measured in status or achievements. The fact that you give your time and energy to these people, makes you a better person every day! You continue to become more in touch with your feelings and your desire to express them becomes more strong. That is so cool! Maybe someday you will write a book, I have thought about it from time to time. I wouldn't know what to write or where to begin. Until then, we will be the authors of our lives on here.

startover22 · May 16, 2007, 12:39 PM

Sounds fine to me. I willmeet you here as long as I can. I thought my husband would hate the fact that I was on here talking to people I don't even know, but I told him because I felt a little weird about it too. He's like are you talking to them again? I know he gets annoyed, but I think it is OK to him.
My 2 older kids said I was addicted and I tol them to go buy their own computer... I told them, this is like when you play your games, you just don't want to stop. They laugh at me a give me a smug smile when they walk by me. SO WHAT! If they knew how many times their name came up in so many special ways, they would give me a hug. I think!

We are going through some tough times her in the house, my husband isn't feeling well and we have many things to take care of. We just sold our house, and after almost a year of making two house payments, it has been putting us under water very quickly. We thought we would make much more on the house, but looks like just enough to almost pay everything we need too. He wanted extra, I don't blame him. It is just hitting him really hard. He will come through and so will I...