Check out some similar questions!

Squonk · Apr 6, 2005, 03:30 AM

Hello All,

For the past 2 years I have been in a long distance relationship with a lovely lady whom I adored. At times our relationship was really tough despite all the wonderful moments that we had had togther. (It was tough because obviously we didn't get to see each other as much as we would have liked and picking up where you left off takes time every time you meet).

Anyway, just before xmas when I was visiting her I received the "I need time and space" and "i'm confused" lines which to be honest I felt were coming because she had become somewhat distant. Like a gent I duly obliged and backed off even though she would not give me a reason for her request. Frequency of contact subsided but once in a while I received the odd "missing you" or "thinking of you" text which I acknowledged in the positve.

After xmas she called and said that she wanted to resume the relationship but in a more relaxed fashion taking things slowly. Again I duly obliged. There followed a period of renewed contact culminating in an agreement to meet. ( I do think that during this time I propably pushed things slightly too hard but not badly) A few days before we were due to meet she cancelled saying that she wasn't ready to meet me. Although disappointed I agreed once again.

Contact died over the next few weeks and then out of the blue (yes you guessed it) I receive a call from her and this time she was purring down the phone saying that she misses my voice and me etc. It was during this conversation that she asked me if I minded her calling. I told her that I did find it tough because it felt like she was using me whenever she got insecure. It also seemed that every time I showed a little interest in her she would back off again.

Eventually after a week of "I miss you but i hope you have a great life" messages from her I eventually sent an email asking her not to contact me again as it was really effecting me emotionally. I said that I was either in the relationship or out, there can be no in-between now. Several days later after no dialogue she sent a reply saying that she accepted my request. That was a week ago now.

Anyway, since then I have been reading up on relationship advice to help me better understand what went wrong. Firstly I lost my job and I'm still out of work, secondly her ex found a new girlfriend and lastly I unitentionally became a wuss. Yes I miss her very much and yes I want her back but I'm not a begging sort of bloke. I'd rather she came back to me because she genuinely wanted to give things a go. I also know now that if she comes back I need to be much more of a challenge to her. I appreciate it is difficult to judge the situation based on a few words but can someone assure me that my "don't call me anymore" email was the right thing to do. And if so why? Many thanks.

Wildcat21 · Apr 6, 2005, 11:37 AM

YES the e-mail was the right thing to do. She did not contact you right away because woman need to 'reflet'. You needed to end it. YOU NEED TO EVICT THE WUSS IN YOU!!

DON'T CONTACT her for at least 3 months - she may contact you back. NO CONTACT - no WUSS!! You need to make her miss you - which you DID NOT before - and that's hard to do in a Long Distance Relationship.

I awsume you e-mailed, called, texted - every day?? -

See - people want what they can't have - she keeps leading you on.

This end thing may just work.

But, YOU have to stop putting her on a pedestal... do your own things - get a job - job is priority #1 - forget about her. Hang with your friends. Workout. Family. Anythimg but her.

Were you always being all nice to her? Woman hate nice! Hate nice! It's OK to be kind to her.

Woman want a leader, confident (calling all the time, e-mailing texting is NOT confident) - you need a life - woman are never your life - they do not come first - they are part of your life.

We're you too needy/clingys? Yes.

Were you too agreeable - never starting an argument? NOT putting her in place if she criticzed you?

See, woman have tests and you had have failed many of them.

The tactic here is No Contact. Stick with it - call someone else.

You were just too available for her - everyone needs a hit of doubt.

Squonk · Apr 6, 2005, 01:02 PM

To be honest there were definetley times when I was a wuss but it wasn't full on "i'll do anything for you cos I love you". It was more "you know I love you and i'm here for you".

I was left guessing so many times and because of that I got anxcious. I just wanted her to level with me and tell me where we were at. When we did talk it was sometimes very vague and that is frustrating. My wussness came out of not knowing I guess, but I never went communication crazy.

She told me she had many issues in her life and has been seeking therapy to help her deal with them. I have no idea what the issues are but my feeling is that the real issue is that she hasn't really let go of her ex.

I've always been a bit of blokes bloke so looking back it makes me cringe knowing how intense I got at times. You sort of get drawn into it. You are right about the pedestal thing but that won't be happening again. I see my error.

It has been a tough lesson and sitting here now I feel I blew it. Too bad eh!

What if she calls?

Wildcat21 · Apr 6, 2005, 03:42 PM

I feel for you brohter. Woman just can't stand Wuss's. You think your doing something nice for them and they think you're a door mat and they can walk all over you.

They do love their ex's - I had a gal who divorced her husband and 4 years latter she was still in love with him. Woman use that crap therapy all the time - 90% of the people in therapy are woman - did you know this?

Anyway... you needed to NOT contact her every day - maybe twice a week MAX - let her call you.

You are the prize. ALWAYS. Woman don't want to be the prize.

1. You needed to be less available - don't call all the time, no e-mails, you set the dates, etc. No clingy-needy - EVER - get a hobby, work out, work on getting that job, friends, family,

2. NEVER go into girl friend mode - she probably told you all about her problems - THAT's for her girl friends. NEVER be on the phone for endless hours - you WILL bore her and go into girl friend mode.

3. NEVER be agreeable - disagree - stand up for you self - if she criticizes you, STAND UP for yourself. DO NOT be a kiss .

4. Don't buy her things all the time.

5. Don't give up your power - be a leader - be CONFIDENT - make the decisions - don't pass the decisions on to her because you THINK your being nice. Put yourfoot down and say your coming to see her. Get a hotel room and see what happens - she will come see you.

6. Don't be nice - don't be a 'nice' guy. Too charming. Woman WANT drama. TEASE THEM!! Bust her chops.

7. You need to learn about woman's tests - be prepared for every test - you fail one and you may lose.

8. NEVER, NEVER fro ma guys stand point ASK for clarification in a relationship - NEVER. That's the woman's job - she will drop you like a rock.

9. NEVER tell her how you feel. NEVER. Not for a long, long time - and let her do it first... she might say - I love you - and you say - "I know"

10. Don't EVER try and make a woman like you - be yourslef (some what) - BE FUNNY, no tough questions.

This has happened to me - I was a guys - guy - never a Wuss - woman will do this to you - AND it's is completely stoppable.

"i'll do anything for you cos I love you". -STOP THAT!! Never NO! Don't do some things for her, OR give her a hard time about it.

" just wanted her to level with me and tell me where we were at. When we did talk it was sometimes very vague and that is frustrating. My wussness came out of not knowing I guess, but I never went communication crazy." - Welcome to woman - DON'T let this stuff bother you - ever. AND STOP asking for clarification - your GUT will tell you where you stand with her. You DROPED her interest level like a rock.

NEVER ask for clarification!

Keep things cool my man - don't sweat the small stuff - QUIT worrying.

I advise going out on a bunch of dates. And maybe calling this girl in 2 months and ask her for coffee - go visit.

It sounds like you put WAY too much pressure on her. Woman HATE pressure. No more tough questions OK? ESPECIALLY if you talk with her. AND IF she calls - return her call in a couple days.

You haven't blown it yet. DON'T be a Wuss and call her. Go on a date. Let her MISS YOU. Woman play games - if you had a close relationship, she may be back.

You need to love her 100% if you want her back. See girls feel - they DO NOT think in logic like men at ALL. They feel. We think: "she loves tulips" - I'll buy her tulips every week - No, No, No - woman don't think that way - they get creeped out and mad - they think you buying their effection.

Go to this website NOW! www.relationships.blog-city.com - great info!!

Squonk · Apr 7, 2005, 12:53 AM

Many thanks for clarifying things, it has been very helpful. I have been naïve but at least I know what it is all about now. Thanks again.

anonymousgirl · Apr 7, 2005, 06:41 AM

I agree with WildKat21... people want what they can't have or what they're not getting. The more someone ignores you, the more upset you get and want to talk to them.

fredg · Apr 7, 2005, 07:01 AM

Hi,
In short, take a break, and don't bother her.
Let her decide if she wants to call you, talk with you, email with you, etc.
Leave her alone... she will decide if she wants any kind of relationship with you.
Best of luck,
fredg

Squonk · Apr 7, 2005, 07:23 AM

Folks, thanks again for all your support and guidance. Much appreciated. One last question - Who is going to win the US Masters this weekend??

Wildcat21 · Apr 7, 2005, 07:51 AM

Sorry for the long post and tough love - but it's so easy to manage this stuff if you know the rules.

Follow that to the end. OK? I know from experience.

You just need to be a little more aloof and concentrate on other things and let her pursue you.

Wildcat21 · Apr 7, 2005, 09:51 AM

Also - follow the rules and you won't have problem with any woman and they will love you for it. Love you.

Make sure not to be too available - work comes first always - get that job.

_Ash_ · Apr 7, 2005, 02:24 PM

WILDCAT!! Dude u rock!. where in the world did u get so much of text ? It was really good ;)

Wildcat21 · Apr 7, 2005, 08:03 PM

Unfortunately - it's the rules dude. It's what woman want.

I know from experience and study. I've been through a lot to tag some beautiful, great woman. I have some great guru's.

Woman live in the bizzaro world, seriously. They may tell you something else. They may tell you they want a nice guy, romance tick, a guy who does and pays for everything - But, it's BS.

Woman want drama - lots of drama - they won't tell you this... but they do. They will argue they don't.

They want a CONFIDENT, KIND (NOT nice guy), Mysterious, FUNNY, well groomed guy - with some jerk-like tendencies. Be allof, DON'T share your emotions, be some what unavailable (hang with friends, workout, work etc.)

OH YES!! MAKE SURE TO LISTEN!! WOMAN need to talk 70% or more of the time - THEY DO NOT want to hear about your whole life story immediately - DO NOT share EVERYTHING!! They want a mysterious man.

NEVER always tease them and bust their chops occasionally - they love and need this to feel.

REMEMBER - woman communicate differently. YOU HAVE to ask questions.

Wildcat21 · Apr 7, 2005, 08:11 PM

ALSO - I forgot the worst thing - looking for her approval... NEVER do this - worry about yourself. Don't doing things for ALL the time.

And WATCH the compliments... compliments are great in SMALL doses.

Watch the I love you's... do not tell her how you feel for a long time. She says - "I love you too soon - like a couple months - say "I know"

Squonk · Apr 8, 2005, 02:51 AM

Mate I think you should right a book, you could make some serious coin! My damn head is spinning so much from your good advice I won't be able to speak! Thx again Wildcat for some great input, my head is getting straight.

Wildcat21 · Apr 8, 2005, 08:05 AM

I knowthere is a lot more to tell you. Guys aren't born with this stuff. I went for ever not knowing this stuff.

We think we should always be 'nice' to woman - they HATE that!

My current gal loves Tulips - I would go and buy her a field of Tulips - but she would HATE that - she would think I was trying to BUY her affection - you have to give woman favors/kindness in small doses - especially in the beginning.

See - nice guys are approval seakers - WOMAN HATE THAT! You have to do your own thing - treat her 80% of the time like woman of your friends/younger step sister. Watch the freaking compliments.

Don't always aim to please.

_Ash_ · Apr 8, 2005, 09:10 AM

Its true man.. I hv learnt all that in past too :p these freakin girls... they donno what they want !

Dude I didn't get what exactly did you mean by " ALSO - I forgot the worst thing - looking for her approval....NEVER do this - worry about your self. Don't doing things for ALL the time. "

Wildcat21 · Apr 8, 2005, 09:15 AM

Ash - what I meant there, and I have seen this in 90% of all men, being an -kisser - always being agreeable, not putting her in her place when she criticizes you. Being all smilely all the time - worrying that you might upset her about something and always trying to please her. Woman want to be upset sometimes - they feel - they have emotions. They also want to be treated like you treat your friends - no pedestal. Most guys think that if a woman actually likes them they need to treat them like gods - most woman run after a while, they enjoy it initially.

_Ash_ · Apr 8, 2005, 09:24 AM

Loooolz.. yeah they think they r being real good... but u stupid guys... learn to offend them !

Someone'z LAW : Opposites Attract Each Other !

Sorry I dnno who the hell wrote that law... it sounds stupid but its true !

_Ash_ · Apr 8, 2005, 09:25 AM

Hey wild.. are you swingcat or hv you read his book ? :p

Wildcat21 · Apr 8, 2005, 09:33 AM

I've read them all. I like Doc Love a lot - no nonse. David DeAngelo is my Quam - DD got me to totally change several years ago and I have had phenominal success. I've spoken with him - he is great guy and just wants to help guys. All woman do is study this stuff and talk about it - guys don't.

I know a guy who on purpose tries to get a woman he first meets and he likes to disagree with him. It builds up this tension in woman and they go bizerk - they love it! Woman want to feel and this creates it.