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Gibblets · May 2, 2007, 12:13 PM

I have no idea where the girl I'm dating wants to go with this. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and recently started sleeping over each other's places about once a week. Her interest level is higher than mine, always initiating our dates and all the physical stuff that comes with it. She pays for her own share and has the qualities I look for in a potential relationship-material and I am starting to have feelings for her.

Problem is, she's admitted to missing her ex, of whom she stopped seeing over a year ago but still remains friends with. The other night we were fooling around and she started crying, saying how she felt vulnerable with me but felt compelled to trust me and let me take her where I wanted us to go. Weird...

I don't feel like being dragged into something which will only be a waste of time. I'd like to know where she wants to go with this, especially with her residual feelings for her ex.

How can I bring this up? How do I ask?

Gibblets · May 3, 2007, 04:42 AM

??

Krs · May 3, 2007, 04:43 AM

Well 1 month is still fresh, however address your concerns to her.
Speak to her like you have told us and I'm sure all will be fine.
Communication is always the KEY ;)

talaniman · May 3, 2007, 05:02 AM

After a month, your really not supposed to know where your headed, as your both strangers to each other. Don't you think this is going to fast. You really should be enjoying getting to know each other at this point. I think she is leading you to fast, into something to forget her ex actually, which may make you a rebound, so you had better slow down, and stop following so blindly, and not only get to know her better, but find out how you feel about her more. Don't confuse sex, and excitement, with love. I think you'd be better served instead of jumping in bed so much, find out how bad she really misses the ex. If she was hurt bad and trying to forget, it won't be long before she realizes that she used you to get over him. Back off and listen, and slow this train down, and stop just going along. You have a stake in this also you know.

Gibblets · May 3, 2007, 09:19 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

After a month, your really not supposed to know where your headed, as your both strangers to each other. Don't you think this is going to fast. You really should be enjoying getting to know each other at this point. I think she is leading you to fast, into something to forget her ex actually, which may make you a rebound, so you had better slow down, and stop following so blindly, and not only get to know her better, but find out how you feel about her more. Don't confuse sex, and excitement, with love. I think you'd be better served instead of jumping in bed so much, find out how bad she really misses the ex. If she was hurt bad and trying to forget, it wont be long before she realizes that she used you to get over him. Back off and listen, and slow this train down, and stop just going along. You have a stake in this also you know.

So you're saying I should ask her about her ex and how much she misses him? That's going to be very awkward...

I understand that at this point, she is still a stranger despite our physical closeness. And no, I'm not confusing this for love or even like. She could very well be using me for an emotional or physical fix until her and the ex get back together. Or, she could genuinely like me and is just struggling with moving on. So yeah, her intentions could be good or bad- I don't know.

I'm not sure how to bring this up or when. Can somebody help me out with this one?

talaniman · May 3, 2007, 01:05 PM

So you're saying I should ask her about her ex and how much she misses him? That's going to be very awkward...

I would hope that by paying attention you would get that information and in no way ask such a question directly, I wouldn't, at least not till I knew her better. In my view jumping into bed at this early stage serves to confuse feelings, and mask infatuations as love.

Gibblets · May 3, 2007, 03:53 PM

We're going hiking for a few hours this Saturday so maybe that will be a good time to talk. I don't think I'd ask such a question directly, but here's something off the top of my head that I might say:

"Hey I've been thinking about this past month or so and it's pretty obvious that we both enjoy each other's company. I remember what you said about how you miss your ex so it's clear that you're not over him...so I'm wondering where you want all of this to go?"

Basically I just want to tell her that it's not about forgetting the ex, but more so about slowly letting go and putting forth a solid effort to move forward into the future. I feel like there's no point in wasting more time with her if she will always have one foot in the past. It's not fair to me or her.

Would it be bad to do this?

And I have been paying attention- she wants to spend a lot of time with me, and she doesn't hang out with her ex... just talks to him every now and then. Besides, if she really wanted to be with him, she would. And so would he. If they really wanted each other, what's stopping them? Obviously something is on either side...

But I think it's important that I bring this to the surface sooner than later. I don't see the point of wasting my time... we need to be on the same page. I'm not asking her to committ to me or whatever- just that if getting to know each other slowly is what we both want, we should both be free of previous hang ups. If not, we should stop seeing each other.

Gibblets · May 3, 2007, 03:55 PM

ALso, what do you mean by getting to know her better?

diya · May 3, 2007, 04:44 PM

I agree with Tal, and what I don't understand is why people don't take time to know
Each other. That baffles me no end. Getting to know each other is getting an insight to what the other person is all about and that only the interaction period and time can tell, which you both have not given to each other except having sexual gratification, which has caused all this commotion in your life. When you want to know what the other person wants or thinks,try to observe and be with the person mentally than being physically. I hope I am clear. Don't ask questions, wait, observe her, follow your instincts and trust your gut... you'll soon get your answers...

Gibblets · May 3, 2007, 05:50 PM

Originally Posted by diya

I agree with Tal, and what I don't understand is why people don't take time to know
each other. That baffles me no end. Getting to know each other is getting an insight to what the other person is all about and that only the interaction period and time can tell, which you both have not given to each other except having sexual gratification, which has caused all this commotion in your life. When you want to know what the other person wants or thinks,try to observe and be with the person mentally than being physically. I hope I am clear. Don't ask questions, wait, observe her, follow your instincts and trust your gut....you'll soon get your answers.....

So don't discuss the "relationship" at all? Not even to ask her where she thinks it's going?

I think I understand now what you all mean by getting to know her. Let me know if I'm on the right track:

Getting to know her would entail having conversations- some light, others deep- to find out all we can about each other so we can really decide if it is right to pursue each other. Because we've been spending a lot of our time in bed and sitting around each other's houses basically doing "advanced couple stuff" we really aren't getting to know each other at all. What we are really doing is acting the part of a couple- but we lack a true foundation. Who am I kissing? Who is this person I am sleeping with? I don't know.

I think I understand now... the sleeping over has to stop, or at least slow down or be accompanied by some good conversation. Pillow talk and kisses and etc mean nothing at this stage- well, it could be anything but good for the two of us.

It's not a problem for two people who already know and like each other to get close physically because it's like the icing on the cake. I don't even have a solid cake yet, and I'm adding all the icing... it will collapse...

Am I on the right track?

If so, I will stop the sleep overs and just have some good old dates with her...

momincali · May 3, 2007, 07:57 PM

Gibb, before you try finding out where she wants this to go, ask yourself, where do you want it to go?

One month is really not a long time. You're still supposed to be in the fun stage. If you think she's taking this down a more serious road, then slow down with the sleep overs.

Gibblets · May 3, 2007, 08:12 PM

Originally Posted by momincali

Gibb, before you try finding out where she wants this to go, ask yourself, where do you want it to go?

One month is really not a long time. You're still supposed to be in the fun stage. If you think she's taking this down a more serious road, then slow down with the sleep overs.

Where do I want it to go? Well, I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I don't even know this girl. What I want is to get to know her- go out on more light and fun dates, do different things and be spontaneous. I want to learn more about her personality, her beliefs, etc. I need to learn more before I can decide. Besides, my life is so unstable right now that it's unfitting to foster a stable relationship.

I also don't feel like she can give getting to know me her all because she still has one foot stuck in her past. She admitted to missing her ex... I'm afraid it's just not going to work if she feels that way.

I'm not sure if I should discuss all of this with her or simply drop it and avoid her. It's just become so messy... I don't know what I should do.

There's just something about her that won't let me quit. I usually have no problems dropping a girl but I really like her for some reason and it gets me emotional to think that we'd have to stop seeing each other.

talaniman · May 3, 2007, 08:57 PM

As mom said just enjoy and don't worry about the ex or anything else at this point. Just pay attention and learn.

Gibblets · May 3, 2007, 09:03 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

As mom said just enjoy and don't worry about the ex or anything else at this point. Just pay attention and learn.

Is it OK to sleep over and just talk? Serious/light convos, no fooling around? I can control myself when I want to.

We live about an hour away, so the distance makes it difficult...

I'm thinking sleep overs aren't an issue as long as there's more talking, more sleeping and less mindless fooling around.

At the same time though, I really do think I should address the ex issue. I don't need to be used as a rebound. It's a waste of my time and I have better things to do with my life.

I'll just tell her that I like spending time with her and that she's a cool girl, but that I think she needs to work things out for herself because she obviously needs to. I'll tell her that I think she needs some space and that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore until she's ready.

I just don't see the point of pursuing this further- even if it is just for fun... too much baggage.

mckenzie134 · May 3, 2007, 09:18 PM

Don't mention the relaronship. Don't worry about the Ex just take her out and have fun. If she mentions the relatonship or you feel the need to bring it up then do it. What you should say though is this!! Hay the other day you mentioned about still thinkingabout the ex and I was thinking I don't want to come between you and him so we should just back off a bit until you feel a bit better... Then you must back off tell her your going and leave. Give it a week if she messages or rings on the first or 2nd day don't reply or answer and then ring her the next day and askher what she was ringing for. If she says she's thought about it and she wants to see you just say you cansee her but your not interested in people with hangups and if she s still speaking to the ex then tell her she needs more time... This way you will get your answer without seeming like you really need to know

talaniman · May 3, 2007, 09:20 PM

Personally why worry about an ex, or any other competition. She is with you, so leave the heavy stuff alone, and have fun. Sometime we can sabotage ourselves by seeing things we shouldn't be worrying about. After only a month you don't need to address any thing, but having fun and see how you interact together, when she talks listen. You will learn more by paying attention then you will trying to coax information from someone RELAX.

Gibblets · May 3, 2007, 09:38 PM

WHat about the sleep overs? Cut them out entirely? Or is it OK since we have that distance thing going on? Would it be OK if we slept and stopped messing around?

Gibblets · May 3, 2007, 09:39 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Personally why worry about an ex, or any other competition. She is with you, so leave the heavy stuff alone, and have fun. Sometime we can sabotage ourselves by seeing things we shouldn't be worrying about. After only a month you don't need to address any thing, but having fun and see how you interact together, when she talks listen. You will learn more by paying attention then you will trying to coax information from someone RELAX.

This is true. A girl will do what a girl wants to do. If she wanted her ex, she'd be with him and not me.

momincali · May 4, 2007, 09:17 AM

Gibb, not wanting a serious relationship right now because of your situation, is fine. Nothing wrong with that. Light and fun dates are great, if that's what she's looking for too. So, I think you should tell her just that. Tell her you have a lot of fun with her. Tell her right now, you need to keep things light. Your instability right now wouldn't make for a successful relationship if you went down a deeper road. Let her know you have no intention of blowing her off, you like her, but you want to make sure that you guys are both on the same page.

Tell her that although the sleepovers are a good time shared by both, it could confuse you both as well. I know you think you're okay with it, no harm being done, but I honestly believe that it can and will eventually take it's toll on the relationship. The obvious is that she can get pregnant, and please don't argue the birth control thing, that is never 100% protection. If she has no commitment to you, then she's free to sleep with others as well, how do you know she won't bring you an unwanted STD? I'm not saying she's a flooze, but without the commitment, anything is possible. If spending so much intimate time with her isn't making your feelings for her grow, it doesn't mean her feelings for you aren't becoming stronger and slightly blurring things. Many women take actions of men rather than words to mean that they are falling in love and can interpret sex as love. For those reasons among others, I vote no on the sleepovers. If she stopped sleeping with you, would you still be interested in her and vice versa??

Another thing. It's okay for her to miss her boyfriend. She's not knocking down his door step or begging him to take her back. If she didn't admit it, then that would be a red flag and dishonest. That will take some time. When she finds someone who lights her up AND is willing to commit, then slowly that feeling for her ex will disappear. No one should feel threatened or deterred by that.

Gibblets · May 4, 2007, 09:51 AM

Originally Posted by momincali

Gibb, not wanting a serious relationship right now because of your situation, is fine. Nothing wrong with that. Light and fun dates are great, if that's what she's looking for too. So, I think you should tell her just that. Tell her you have alot of fun with her. Tell her right now, you need to keep things light. Your instability right now wouldn't make for a successful relationship if you went down a deeper road. Let her know you have no intention of blowing her off, you like her, but you want to make sure that you guys are both on the same page.

Tell her that although the sleepovers are a good time shared by both, it could confuse you both as well. I know you think you're okay with it, no harm being done, but I honestly believe that it can and will eventually take it's toll on the relationship. The obvious is that she can get pregnant, and please don't argue the birth control thing, that is never 100% protection. If she has no committment to you, then she's free to sleep with others as well, how do you know she won't bring you an unwanted STD? I'm not saying she's a flooze, but without the committment, anything is possible. If spending so much intimate time with her isn't making your feelings for her grow, it doesn't mean her feelings for you aren't becoming stronger and slightly blurring things. Many women take actions of men rather than words to mean that they are falling in love and can interpret sex as love. For those reasons among others, I vote no on the sleepovers. If she stopped sleeping with you, would you still be interested in her and vice versa???

Another thing. It's okay for her to miss her boyfriend. She's not knocking down his door step or begging him to take her back. If she didn't admit it, then that would be a red flag and dishonest. That will take some time. When she finds someone who lights her up AND is willing to commit, then slowly that feeling for her ex will disappear. No one should feel threatened or deterred by that.

Wow I really understand your answer! You've been very helpful.

Yeah in my gut, I don't like the sleep overs. It's too much, too fast. I'm being physically intimate with someone who I don't even know very well. Now a hook up or one-nighter is a totally different story, but since this girl and I are trying to get to know each other, treating it like a string of hook ups isn't the right way to do things.

Personally, I am against asking or talking about the relationship as the MAN. I feel like men should just sit back and observe, and when the woman is ready, she can ask to define the relationship. I don't think this is wrong to think this way.

I was going to ask her if she's over her ex or not but since I'm not even sure if I want the relationship here or not that information about her life is irrelevant and I would be out of line to ask.

I think I will address the sleep over thing this weekend and tell it to her exactly how you just told me momincali... that I want to keep things light and slow.