[virgolovesscorpio]

I found out my husband is chatting sexually with a client of ours but he denies it. I have tried to talk to him about it but because he does not think I have proof he tells me it is all in my head. We have been together for 3 years, married just 6 months.

In one of the conversations he said 'its not like I have every seen her picture, talked to her on the phone or chat with her while I am at work. I don't even know where she lives.' Well I found pictures of her on our computer and I found a copy of a chat that occurred while he was at work and of course we have her address because she is client. Which of course now makes me wonder if they are chatting at work on the phone as well.
(phone records are not accessible).

Because he denies everything, I don't know what to do. I am so scared that this is going to turn into a physical affair, although she lives several hours away.

He calls the chat casual when I first brought it up. But I have seen otherwise, which I don't think he realizes.

She refers to him as 'Babe' which really bothers me and I asked him to ask her not to do that but he said that would be rude to tell a client. I disagreed but lost the battle. Now all communication between them is a secret and I am in the dark.

I love my husband with all my heart and can never leave him. I don't know how to cope with this though.:confused:

[spea94]

I am sooooo sorry!

Have you talked to her? Does she know he is married?

Never a easy situation.

Good luck!

[virgolovesscorpio]

No, I don't believe she knows he is married and no I have not talked to her. I have been contemplating the idea of sending her some sort of memo from our company with my name on it so that she puts two and two together. But I have a feeling that the minute I do that she will say something to my husband and it will set off a fight.

I guess I should not worry about a fight huh?

I also thought of sending her a girl to girl email, but I don't know how that would go over. From what I have seen in the one IM I have, she really doesn't take other peoples feelings into consideration.

Thanks for the response.

[robertsqueen]

What he is doing is wrong. He is talking to another woman sexually while he is with you. That is considered cheating. There is a reason that she calls him babe. I don't call anyone I work with babe... except my husband. Somthign is going on. And he isn't going to tell you the truth. You need to ask her.

[spea94]

Well, you have a tough one!
Do you have any kids?
The memo with your name on it sounds good. And if it does start a fight that's fine... you did nothing wrong!
Not sure of the work you are doing or your husband but I do know some women are all talk and will do what ever they can to get what they want!!

Talk to your husband... tell him EVERYTHING YOUR FEELING. He should stop talking so much to her... he married you!

I hope things work out!

I had kind of the same thing, but it was inperson. She was the receptionist... and she knew he was married, he loved the attention and now I am divorced. ( it wasn't just her there was more there)

[virgolovesscorpio]

How do you think I should approach it? I was thinking a girl to girl email, or should I just send a thanks for you business note card with my signature.

[spea94]

I would just nip it in the butt!

Just tell talk to her... its going to be hard...

You could just send the thank you with you name MRS... really big and then see what happends...

[virgolovesscorpio]

well, you have a tough one!
do you have any kids?
The memo with your name on it sounds good. and if it does start a fight thats fine... you did nothing wrong!
not sure of the work you are doing or your husband but i do know some women are all talk and will do what ever they can to get what they want!!!!

talk to your husband... tell him EVERYTHING YOUR FEELING. he should stop talking so much to her... he married you!

I hope things work out!

i had kinda the same thing, but it was inperson. she was the receptionist... and she knew he was married, he loved the attention and now i am divorced. ( it wasnt just her there was more there)

Yes we do, and one on the way.
I feel like I did something wrong because I snooped to find the IM I have.
I agree.. I will send out a company note card thanking her for her business.

I have told him about my feelings but he tells me that he can't do anything about them and he doesn't know how to help.

I am sorry about your situation. I also believe it is the attention and the nasty talk.

[phillysteakandcheese]

Your husband has breeched your trust in him.

You need to tell him that. If he is not sensitive to what you are telling him, you really do need to reconsider your stance on "...can never leave him". By continuing this behaviour he is showing no regard for your feelings, and his "abuse" of your feelings will continue if you allow it.

Flirting is one thing, but I view sexually explicit talk as a form of cheating. Confront him with the evidence if you have to, but demand better from him!

[virgolovesscorpio]

I understand you comment.

I truly mean I couldn't leave him... this may be sick rationalization but I just won't.
Even with the issue at hand... I love my husband with all my heart. I am hoping that love will make things right.

I suppose that sounds like a romance novel... but I took my vow of 'for better or worse' seriously. I just hope and pray that the worse will be over quickly and the better and better will be coming soon.

[spea94]

its been 3 yrs... I have 2 kids as well. I am much happier now! He held me down. I wanted to stay for the kids but I was not happy.

phillysteak.. is right on. If you tell him how your feeling and he doesn't make it better.. then demand more..

good! I hope it goes well. Please send an update after you send it...

don't feel bad about finding the IM... its better now then later... has your husband ever had any cheating issuses before.

how progo are you? You need to take it easy... this stress isn't good for you or the baby!

my thougnts are with you and your family I hope you husband snapps out of it and you will live happily ever after =)

[startover22]

I just got onto this post, and I have read everything. I honestly think that if you contact her it will make this whole situation go way out of control. You can tell your husband (or show) him the proof and tell him if he wants to have a good relationship with his wife he will go to the marriage counseling appt you made for tomorrow afternoon.

[momtofour]

You need to tell him to STOP. Pure and simple, fight or no fight. What he is doing is making you uncomfortable and he should back you up, client or no client. He needs to understand that you make up half the marriage and half the business (is this correct?) and that if you are uncomfortable with this behavior he needs to respect your wishes. I would just pick up the phone, Identify yourself as his wife and business parnter and tell he that you do not need her business if she cannot respect your wishes. Sexual conversations are not appropriate in the workplace and there is not room for that in a committed relationship. You sound as though you feel guilty! Why? What he is doing is wrong and you should stand your ground. If he disagrees get into see a good marriage counselor who can set it straight... Good Luck!

[virgolovesscorpio]

Yes, part of me does feel guilty. Because I snooped for information on the computer. I realize I had reason and that I did find him in a lie, but I still feel guilty for doing it. I feel guilty that I don't trust what my husband tells me. I feel guilty because at times I wonder if this is a punishment to me for my past. (no I never cheated on anyone, but did break a heart)
I feel guilty that I lack the courage to stand up for myself for fear of lossing him.

So yeah, I am harboring a lot of guilt.

[virgolovesscorpio]

I honestly think that if you contact her it will make this whole situation go way out of control.

That is my fear. I don't want to scream and yell about it.. I want to sit and rationally get to the bottom of it.

I am afraid that if I show him the IM he will turn everything around to blaming me. I guess I just feel like he knows he has been caught but is going to continue to lie and hide it now and think that I will just drop the matter. It feels like I am bringing it up every other day, with no further proof of the sexual chat, just the lie that he is chatting with her at work. Which I know he will turn around to say it is business related. My gut says it isn't after the other IM I saw.

I know I have to confront him. Do you ever feel like you are in a battle that will not have a good outcome whichever way it goes? Like you are in front of a firing squad pleading your innocense? I guess I am just feeling hopeless because I don't see any good in it.

Thank you so much for your responses.

[ordinaryguy]

I'm not too keen on the whole idea of opening up communication with the woman. Your problem is with your husband, and that's where the focus should be. You might get her to back off, but there will always be another "her" for him to focus on if that's what he's willing to do. It's the fact that HE didn't nip it in the bud and tell her plainly that it was unwelcome and inappropriate that bothers me. That, and the fact that he still won't cop to it, and lied about it even when you called him on it. I hate to say it, but this situation reveals some very disturbing and very fundamental flaws in your husband's character. He's willing to cheat, and he's willing to lie to cover it up.

What you should do with this unpleasant information is a tough call. I'm afraid that you are tending toward tolerating it and excusing it and learning to live with it rather than confronting him directly, forcefully and unequivocally about it. By your own admission, you are carrying a lot of guilt around, much of it for things that aren't your fault. I'm sure he has become quite adept at exploiting your guilt and using it against you to get himself off the hook and out of a jam. Long term, it is really self-destructive for you to allow him to do this, and it does him a disservice as well. You need to rid yourself of this load of guilt and learn to insist on being treated with the respect you deserve.

I like startover's idea of laying your evidence out and telling him when the marriage counselling session starts and that he can either be there and get very serious very fast about saving your marriage, or start looking for a cooking class for ex-husbands.

[ordinaryguy]

I know I have to confront him. Do you ever feel like you are in a battle that will not have a good outcome whichever way it goes? Like you are in front of a firing squad pleading your innocense? I guess i am just feeling hopeless because I don't see any good in it.

Good for you. I didn't see this before I posted. Yes, the lead-up to a battle like this is dreadful, but you have to take the long view to see the good that will come from respecting yourself and insisting that he do so as well. I can guarantee you that if you swallow your hurt and humiliation and allow yourself to be treated like this, both you and he will be in much worse shape five years from now than if you fight the battle now and put things on a new and different track.

[virgolovesscorpio]

I appreciate your support. And you are absolutely right about confronting him. I am building the courage and the comments that have been received are helping.

I totally agree that the 'woman' is not the issue, this has been my hesitation from the beginning in contacting her.

[SnaveLeber]

Im sorry this happened to you. It's not one of those things that you can just say 'do this or that'. Its got to be extremely painful.
If it were me, I would tell him that I don't believe him when he says he isn't doing that, and that he needs to cease all contact with her. That I respectmyself too much to put up with that kind of behavior, that I love him, but its me or her. And if he chose her, I wouldn't beg. It wouldn't change the situation.
But before I did all that id play up my game a lot.
Make his fav. Foods. Go to the gym, crash diet, stuff like that.
But I definitely understand not everyone is like me, and its difficult.

Again, Im sorry.

PS. I wouldn't do the nice things as a type of sucking up gesture, but more of a 'im bettering myself gesture'. Men are always turned off to insecurity

[Marily]

Putting myself in your shoes, I truly feel for you. I believe honesty is very important in any relationship, one can spend years building a relationship and someone can destroy it overnight, I think you should give this matter to God, He knows best.