[jaxie]

I have suffered panic disorder and depression for over 22 yrs now. I just got out of an abusive relationship of 8 years, I have not contacted this man but he is making me so sad because he stopped the car as I was walking and he said (like the past 4 months we are apart never happened) "I have a class reunion coming up and wondered since I have no one else to go with if you wanted to go" I got enraged I said "YOu didnt take me to mine and you have the nerve to ask me? Well I had a huge attack because then he started rambling how this woman I know was with him before I was and blah blah blah. I was wondering to myself WHY is he telling me NOW>? HE is no prize as I found out he slept with the entire neighborhood and every female I know. But anyway he kept mentioning that I know this woman and if I knew who she was I would be shocked so I said ok then spill it already who is she? To that he just said "it don't matter it happened a long time ago before you there's no reason to tell you now".

Now I am wondering what is going on here>?
I have NOT BOTHERED HIM in any way shape or form for 4 months and as im walking he pulls over the car and starts yapping all this crap to me.

WELL for the past 3 nights now I am wracking my brains as to WHO this female was. I got so MAD that he HURT ME AGAIN that I called him a pig and lost my temper and had to walk away.

Look I was there for him for 8 years all thru his drug abuses and rehabs and hospital stays and we broke up because he ordered me not to talk to his friend steven OR ELSE it would be over with us. SO I told him I will continue to speak to Steven since he did no harm to me and he was always truthful to me.

So that ended 8years when a few days later his sons girlfriend who is more than half my age went nuts in the house went to hit me swore at me and I told my boyfriend this is your house and you just stand here while this kid is swearing at me and going to hit me?

His reply well its my sons girl.

OK then IM out of here I wasnt staying there. I know she was doing something drugs and she just flew off the handle as she said to me as I walked upstairs "get the &*( out of here you don't belong upstairs I was like I been here 8 years you just moved in months ago what is the matter with you?/?

She is very abusive to the son as well. Anyway my question is why just when things start to settle down for me must he get in touch via letter phone or whatever and say things he knows is going to hurt me? Trust me I have not contacted him I just told him hey Im out of here I won't be disrespected by this kid its your house Im with you 8 years and you should have told her either she shows respect for me or she gets out of your house. But no he did nothing and right there that showed me my worst fear... he really didn't love me he just used me... sold all my jewelry... stole all my money... and gave it all the money to his drug dealers. If that had happened in MY PLACE I would have told the kid listen Im with him 8 years YOU are a GUEST in my house and since you disrespected my boyfriend you may now LEAVE or at least apologize.

But nothing. I felt for the past 3 years there was no love there that he was using me but it hurt me too much to acknowledge that fact so I figured I can't throw this relationship away its been 5 6 7 then 8 years. I felt I put so much into him so much into it all that I couldn't let it go even when he constantly stlole my medicines and I had none and my money and all the the jewelry.

Well my question is why does he have to HURT me just when I start to settle down and this doesn't kill my heart>?
I didn't even call the police when he hit me. Well anyway...

The panic is out of control as is the deep depression that is now engulphing me.

I don't even want to get out of bed...

[grammadidi]

Sweetie, you were in a very abusive relationship. Why does he have to hurt you that way? He hurts you now for the same reason that he hurt you through then entire relationship - for power. His life is out of control and the only way to feel it's in control is to control others. He picked you because of your history of panic disorder and depression... a perceived weakness. He's a jerk!

Now you must be very careful because you know that panic attacks or depressive episodes often follow emotional upset, loss, pain, etc. Do you have a regular therapist? If so, you should probably schedule a few visits to help you get through the next little while until you get strong again. If not, contact your local mental health clinic and tell them that you suffer from panic disorder and depression which you are keeping under control with medication but recent life events have proven to be difficult to handle and you need a therapist to see you through the rough time. They will help.

Now, as you have suffered from these disorders for 22 years you know that the WORSE thing that you can do is climb in bed and succumb to the panic OR the depression. You need to find something else to focus upon... a hobby, sport, time with supportive friends and family members, a funny movie, a pet... all of those things can help. MAKE yourself get up, out of bed and out of the house. When you wake up in the morning, have rules. Your rules will be: get out of bed as soon as you wake up, make the bed, take a shower, get dressed, put your shoes on. That's it... no more. You will surprise yourself with what will follow after that. You may opt to go for a walk, visit a friend, join a support group, go shopping, clean the house, do some volunteer work, or do nothing. However, I guarantee that just by forcing yourself to do those few things you will feel better and will be stronger.

Remember, hun, this WILL pass... but first you have to remember what got you there and how to get out of it. DON'T give this guy so much control over your life!! Take it back! Show him that he is NOT in control of you, that you CAN be happy and he will not bring you down.

Give my methods a try for 3 weeks, okay? And don't forget to hook up with a therapist.

Warm hugs,

Didi

[jaxie]

Gram thank you so much. Just reading your warm reply made me cry because for 8 years my feelings never counted. He never acknowledged my tears or my cries for help when I was falling into that dark pit of hoplesness. My shrink as I call it just takes my 150 dollars talks to me for 2 minutes writes the rx and that's that. I am so warmed by your reply because honestly my feelings were never taken into account for so long that I don't even know what or who I am anymore. I just can't understand how another human being can be so cold and cruel to another. He even used my horriffic (and they are) symptoms of panic (more like terror) attacks as HIS symptoms to go get drugs from doctors. It made me sick. And then when I ran out of my prescribed 3 time a day schedule for my medications I suffered for a month until I saw the doctor again I couldn't call and say hey my boyfriend stole my medicines again and I am without. I feel like a loser. Believe me I did everything for him I am hurting so bad my family is mad at me because all I do do cry like IM doing now. I mean 8 years wasn't a drop in the bucket for me. All the times I went to his rehabs and hospitals and brought him food and clothes and checked him out for the day everything over the years and now I think about it he was never ever there for me even with a string of deaths in my family. He never came he never comforted me nothing. I even asked him why once and he said well I didn't know them so what's it to me>? I just sat there and cried while that whatever you want to call him ate or watched TV while I sat crying staring at the wall for a 4 hr stretch. Thank you for your advice. I will tr it tomorrow and I even wanted to look in the phone book for some help but I don't know. One timehe was in rehab? The lady called me from Fl that's where he was Florida he took off yet again in the middle of the night got on a plane and went to rehab so that when he got out he could get high really fast because his body was cleaned. But anyway the lady askedme what happened the night he left New York to go to Florida and I told her and she said to me "what about YOUR feeelings" and I said "I dont know". When we hung up I cried for hours. I did all I could for him so why he did this to me I don't know but I do know that when his sons girlfriend who's like 21 yrs old started yelling swearing and hitting me he didn't do anything. Thanks so much hun, I feel like a human being for the first time in 8 years after your reply. Thank you

[grammadidi]

Oh, Jaxie, you are so welcome! I am glad that you felt my caring and concern.

Try to take your focus off what he did and said and concentrate on where you are going to go from here. I hear you about the 'shrink'. They sometimes are like that - especially with people who suffer from depression. I don't think that is quite what you need right now, though. I think you just need someone who will listen, empathize - really HEAR you. You need someone to bounce ideas off, maybe brainstorm with. I think you can get this from a counsellor or therapist. It's not really a psychiatric problem right now.

I don't know where you live, but there are often low cost programs where you can get therapy for fees on a sliding scale. That is why I suggested that you contact your local mental health clinic. Stress that you have a psychiatrist but you are looking for someone who has the time to listen to you and help you work through issues. They should be able to guide you. If all else fails, try a self-help group for people suffering from panic disorders or depression.

If you tell me where you live I might be able to make some other suggestions.

Your feelings DO count... in fact, that is what is most important right now. You are allowed to feel, you are allowed to cry, you are allowed to get angry, and you have the right to be heard. I believe that if you can find yourself a good therapist that you will find that your panic attacks will noticeably decrease and your depression will be much more manageable. Psychiatrists are good, but some of them really have a problem with not being able to 'cure' a problem such as depression. Some of them just get so used to handing out the prescriptions that they miss what the patient actually needs.

Often, a therapist is more client centred. They don't have a medical degree, so they can't adjust your medications, but they can listen. You really have to be up front about your needs and be prepared not just to talk, but to work. If you are focused on healing, you will fare much better. You sound well motivated, so I think you will do better than most. In fact, I feel like you are at an important crossroads in your life that may just lead you to being happier than you have ever been before!

Place importance on the good things in life. Cherish the sun, the flowers, the laughter of a child. Put yourself in situations that will make you smile. Sing to yourself when at home alone (happy songs!). Do something nice for someone without expecting anything in return. It does work!

Keep us updated... there are many here who truly care.

Love, Didi

[Marcusstorm]

It seems to me that your boyfriend likes you so much yet doesn't know how to show that. This could have stemmed from an earlier relationship or even his childhood. My advice would be to stay away from him, if it comes down to it get an intervention order, just don't allow yourself to be used and abused.
Good luck xx

[jaxie]

I am in the tri city area Ny Nj Ct. I don't have money but I will try to find someone as I really need to get over this. It just hurts so bad. His own mother treats me like she doesn't know me after all the times I went WITH HER to SEE HIM! Now that that has been said and done she doesn't know me. Not even an acknolodgment. Not a wave hello nothing. I even called her house that day and she kept saying my name over and over I said this is jaxie Im looking for Jimmmy and she said jaxie? I said yeah jaxie and she said Jaxie I said yeah and then she put him on the phone that day. I mean come on I bet he was standing right there and she repeated my name over and over to see if HE WANTED TO TAKE THE CALL what a jackass she turned out to be. to say the least. I just think and keep telling myself time is on my side just like the rolling stones song... that one day and maybe not too far from now he will be IN NEED of SOMETHING and be WISHING I was there because that is when I always heard from him. what a USER, well Im thinking of leaving here to go to West Virginia to take a breather and stay at my kids dads place. He told me I am more than welcome. That way I won't even be here. AND if he sends another letter to me I informed my family to have it stamped by the Post Office Return to Sender Left no forwarding address. Just like Elvis said REturn to sender address unknown. Now that would feel sweet to me. I cleaned up the house a bit today now I have to do the dishes I really let everything go since I have been wallowing in my sorrows. At least the house doesn't look depressed anymore. Its all cleaned up. But that doesn't mean I didn't think of him all day long like a jakass.: ( BUT at least I got something done and now Im not sitting here in a mess. Gram thanks so much. As for 'storm' thanks for the well wishes. Jim has a mommy issue his mother was a drunk who abused him a lot when he was a kid now he's at her house all the time. Go firgure... weird isn't it>?

[jaxie]

Gram I Sent U A Long Email A Few Days Ago Please Check Ur Spam Folder Please Thanks Jackie

[grammadidi]

Jackie, I received your email today. I am quite a bit behind right now. I will try to respond in a few days. I really think you should post it on the site, though, to get more input than just mine.

At a quick glance, I think that your biggest problem is that you care what he says and does. If you just smile sweetly and walk away it will really throw him for a loop. You might benefit from reading some of the 'no contact' information on here. I know that he is the one initiating it, but you need to learn to let go.

I will try to send a more detailed response later... oh, and by the way... go file for that restraining order, sweetie. At least if he shows up on your doorstep you can call the police and he'll know you mean business.

Hugs, Didi

[jaxie]

I understand Gram and will wait I don't have a copy of the letter so I will be patient I know you are busy hugs jackie