[amIwrong]

I got married nearly 4 years ago. Recently I found out that my husband is bi-polar and has pathological lying disorder. Just before that. We took was out $27,000 for IVF treatment, and long story short he stopped working and would not get a job, created debt, lied about it etc. While I was going to school working full time, and doing IVF treatments alone. He did not go to one appointment with me and the only reason we choose this route was because it was his preference, I was OK with using a donor, but he was not, thus the $27,000 in savings and loans. It's not a start and stop process that you can just randomly cancel or not. I have given him deadlines, ultimatums, I am tried to understand him, encourage him, but there was a time when I started to fall apart. Even when I did, I still went to work, I still went to school and I still managed the household by myself.
I had to cancel the IVF 2 weeks away from the implantation. I did it on purpose because I saw that this was not a situation for a child to be in. Though it was the most gut wrenching thing I have ever done in my life. I did get a refund of funds that weren't used, which wasn't much, since we used nearly all of that money in the process to pay for the daily ultrasounds, lab work, drugs, etc. and what was left over basically covered the debt he created.


Needless to say, there was no romance, haha, no intimacy, etc.
Much less stability, assurance, support, help with the household, etc. He would have job interviews, and I would call to make sure he was awake and he would not answer the phone, I would have everyone call the house over and over and he would not get up. I would leave work to get him up knowing he wouldn't have gone and may not have anyway. He would say he had gotten a job and then not bring home a paycheck. For the longest time I thought he was cheating. But some detective work only proved that he maybe had some minor crushes but not affairs.
Now, it's been over a year, we have been separated, now legally separated for 2 weeks. I needed to do so to clear my mind, and for him the same. We still live together, because of his circumstances. But I thought after this point he might want to work at getting himself together. He hasn't. He finally got a job (4 months ago) making significantly less, I got a pay raise but thanks to his lowered pay I don't reap the benefits of a pay increase and still have these new bills from him and the IVF. He says he has problems and is trying to make it just day by day.

It came up to a mutual friend of ours, and our friend and I discussed having a child together. I know that sounds bazaar, but he cares for me, and we both want a child. It has ended up where this friend is someone I choose because I care for him, he is a good guy, I trust him, etc, etc, etc. So then I wondered, those are qualities that you would want in a significant other, those are qualities I wanted in my husband, that I thought were there, and were, through bouts of clarity, etc. So then as conversation of this began more and more he and I agreed that we both felt we would be good for each other in that way.
It feels like I am leaving my husband behind, dumping him on his own, just to watch me move forward without him. I don't love him any less. (sobs) but I can't go on like this either. I have told him honestly and up front that I spoke to our friend about this, etc, etc. So I am not planning anything without everyone's knowledge. I am dealing with the guilt that I left behind someone I love very much, who also dreamed of a life with stability and a family, but leaving him behind knowing he won't have that, and that he won't even have me either. I am horrified. I am scared I will lose my husband as a friend, though I have no right to ask him to stand by and watch this. I have no right to ask our friend who is a good man to stand by and watch me be a sacrificial lamb to the cause either.

[ggmagoo]

WoW what a novel. I don't think it would be fair of me to give you a response if I have not completely read it. At this moment I don't have that much time on my hand. I guess I should be clear. I will respond to this at later time.

[Emland]

You married to be his wife, not his mother. If he can't get his act together seek professional help for his mental health, what does he expect you to do? Sounds like you have gone above and beyond with him and he only wants to hide away from the world. He is ashamed of his condition and doesn't want to seek help and it sounds like it will cost him his marriage.

If your decision to seek a divorce didn't motivate him to seek counseling then nothing will. I don't blame you for wanting something better.

[startover22]

I agree with emland, sounds like you have taken steps to help him. He does not want help right now. I think it is fair to say you can go if you want to. I am also going to add, only because when you are dealing with someone with that disorder, they can be or get to be dangerous. How old is he. I have heard that it stats to come out between 18 and 24, the real signs of bi polar. I want to make sure that both of you are safe. You sound like you don't want to leave him in the dust, but he hasn't given you much of a choice, has he? I am not an expert but I wouldn't jump into anything with anyone else until this situation has settled. I hope you and he will be OK whether you are together or apart. Good luck.

[ggmagoo]

OK. I have to agree with everyone else. It seem that you have done all you can do. If you think divorce is your best option, I would encourage you tell take care of yourself before you enter into another relation. I am sure this other guy you like may be a good person, but just make sure your ready to enter into a new relationship.

[richcali]

Bi-polor can be a terrible thing my cousin is now 47 but when she was younger she was diagnosed bi-polor and went through many doctors and then stopped and would not return or continue the medications. We thought many times she was on street drugs and many abandoned her. She had children and the family had to turn against her to make sure the children were safe, because she would not get help. She had so many different things going on in her life and they were all bad. The children are old enough to understand now and do see her but there was no way she could have raised them and was in one failed relationship after another always ending them by going crazy and blaming everyone else. I don't know that you can do anything for these poor people that are Bi-polor if they don't want to get help. I have several friends also that suffer from this and their lives are an absolute struggle most of the time and they have received help and medications and yet they still have days and weeks at a time that you do not want to be around them.

[amIwrong]

My mother is schizophrenic and my brother is bi-polar and I don't have any other family in the same state, so basically I don't have a support system and I know just how tough it can be already. I think my guilt and struggle to make sure they don't fall by the wayside plays into this for me. So far, I am struggling with how to deal with the whole social aspect, which is our friends. Most of them are out of state, so is the rest of his and my family and I don't want to have to explain the story from beginning to end to all of them, or even if I did, have to exploit mine or his personal business. It's ugly because if I don't explain something they will all just think I left this perfectly good marriage behind and seemingly had a child with a friend of ours, which, obviously we know what that looks like. Even if not advice, thanks for the words of encouragement, I need all I can get right now.

[ggmagoo]

To Richcali and J-9 I really don't understand the hostility. I reponded to the question at later time. It is NONE OF YOUR CONCERN as to when I answer and what I say. I have always tried to be respectful when making comments on this site and feel I have NOT done anything wrong. It Clear BOTH OF YOU have CHOSEN to ignore the fact that I DID RESPOND to her question and my advise was sincere. My comment was truthful and not said with the intent to be rude to anyone. Read ALL post before you jump to conclusions

[comingback]

[I don't know how much you know about Bi-Polar but if he is not taking any meds for this he will not be any better. I just left my husband and he is bi-polar and he took me for a ride I will never forget... I care about him too but I also know he does not want to help himself and there will NEVER be a future for us especially since he refuses to except he has a mental disorder and won't take his med's... I say lifes to short BE HAPPY!

[cmrsfinch]

I say you marry through better or worse sickness and health. If you believe in the word of God you have no grounds to divorce.

[Kattalover]

I say you marry through better or worse sickness and health. If you believe in the word of God you have no grounds to divorce.

Do you really believe God wants us to be unhappy like that?

[Squiffy]

My partner of two years has bi polar, and several other mental health disorders. I would marry him in a heartbeat (cant because I am still legally married to the ex!) warts and all. It is a struggle, of course it is, it is a very misunderstood condition, counselling alone isn't likely to work, it takes drugs and hospital stays and above all else, as much empotional support as you can shake a stick at. I guess what I am saying is, you are right, it is not a good time to have a child with this man, but is having a child the most important thing in your life? Is having money the most important? If you love your husband, stick at it, keep trying, one day he will get the help and support he needs, he will come to terms with his condition, but it is not an overnight process, probably not even a year, it can take a long time, but if you love your husband wait for him, that's what vows mean isn't it? In sickness and in health?If you really can't cope with it, and want to end the relaitonship, then yes divorce is probably the only answer, move on, have a child with your friend, but if you still love your husband, will that relationship work either? I doubt your husband would want to keep you as a friend, how would seeing you with another man improve his mental state of mind? I can't see it would at all, but then I don't know you!

I guess it boils down to what is most important- the man you married or having a baby?

[PixieMama]

My husband is also biploar, as is his mother. My husband is unmedicated at the moment. He's had a fear of becoming a pill eating zombie, but has recently come to terms that he has a problem and he needs help. He wants to get help. I have read a lot and spoken with friends who also suffer from Manic Depression so that I can better understand his condition and what goes on in his head. I love my husband enough to stick by his side and be there for him and see him through this. I won't give up just because he's broken. But for you, you have to decide when enough is enough and if you have made your mind up that the two of you do not have a future together then you need to do what you feel is right. If you have fallen for this friend of yours and chose a life with said friend, then no, you shouldn't expect your husband to watch your life go on with someone else. But if you think there is hope for your marriage then give it the chance. It is hard and I know you've put up with a lot as it is, so if you feel you are done, then you need to be strong enough to say goodbye. Yes, it's going to hurt. People often think that strength is in holding on but it takes even more strength to let go.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you have made, or make, and I hope you find peace of mind to get you through this.

[Tootruetooblue]

I do not generally believe in divorce but I do think there are some deal-breakers issues that to me are moral grounds for a divorce. I am divorced and while the divorce was not my choice, dishonesty and other deal-breaker problems of my spouse was a major factor in my deciding not to fight it.

When a person is drug or alcohol addicted, abusive or has mental illness that they are not working actively to treat, whether it's a gambling addiction or whatever that is eroding the marriage and home life, I feel the spouse is appropriate in seeking a divorce. Your spouse is not working on his issues, and him working on resolving them is a reasonable expectation for you to have in order to remain in the marriage. If you are married to someone who is basically lying his way through life, your marriage does not have any basis in reality, as his life has no basis in reality on which to support his half of the deal.

Clearly you appear to have some resentment over his infertility, too, and I think you need to be honest about determining whether he feels that resentment, and if it is contributing to his other behaviors. He sounds depressive on top of everything else. You may be feeding the very things you want to stop by making him feel like an inadequate man by the traditional benchmarks-fertility, financial support. If you want to try to make your marriage work, you need to work through your feelings about that and determine whether your love for him is predicated on a condition that he make you pregnant and that he not have difficult periods in your life together as a financial provider. It is very hard to seek and obtain employment when you feel like a complete loser to the person you love the most.

Whether you chose to stay married or not, I would advise against pursuing pregnancy with the other man at this time. Our lives don't have to be perfect when we bring a child into the world - some things can be worked out in time. But you have such major stuff going on, it just wouldn't be appropriate. With the scenario of having a child with someone you are not married to, if you stay married, your marriage will have to be rock solid to support that kind of a decision. If you divorce, that kind of entanglement will not serve you well in negotiating whatever settlement you might need to.

[Budhabelly]

I have to agree with most other answer, having a child in this situation is not a good idea, and probably dangerous. Your husband needs help, it sounds like you have given it all you can, but for him to get better he has to make that decision and work towards it with your help. Not you pushing/pulling him in the right direction. Its you responsibility to help me anyway you can, but you can not fight his fights for him.

As to whether you should leave him ot not it is up to you. Don't let guilt be the deciding factor.

My favourite saying is
"people come into our lifes for a song, for a lesson or a lifetime."
Not every relatioship is meant to be forever.

[sheribane]

I say from much much experience him, he is only going to hurt you time and time again, cut the cord and it goes away, let him find another loon and they can be happy together in the interim, read a book. With friends like him who needs enemies??

[pliskin]

It would be one thing if he wanted to help himself but in a way, you are enabling him by staying in this relationship and leaving may be the best thing for him or maybe not. I can only imagine how hard of a decision this is for you but you have to move on and not look back or second guess your decision. Truth is, he obviously has had this problem for awhile and entering a relationship with you without taking care of his issues first wasn't fair to you. While I am pretty anti-divorce, you can't save this man and he will only continue to drag you down with him. If you want to give it one last try, give him an ultimatum that you are gone unless he seeks treament and sticks with it. If he doesn't or if he does it for awhile and quits, you have to leave and be gone for ever.

[milito4u]

I got married nearly 4 years ago. Recently I found out that my husband is bi-polar and has pathological lying disorder. Just before that. We took was out $27,000 for IVF treatment, and long story short he stopped working and would not get a job, created debt, lied about it etc. While I was going to school working full time, and doing IVF treatments alone. He did not go to one appointment with me and the only reason we choose this route was because it was his preference, I was ok with using a donor, but he was not, thus the $27,000 in savings and loans. It's not a start and stop process that you can just randomly cancel or not. I have given him deadlines, ultimatums, I am tried to understand him, encourage him, but there was a time when I started to fall apart. Even when I did, I still went to work, I still went to school and I still managed the household by myself.
I had to cancel the IVF 2 weeks away from the implantation. I did it on purpose because I saw that this was not a situation for a child to be in. Though it was the most gut wrenching thing I have ever done in my life. I did get a refund of funds that weren't used, which wasn't much, since we used nearly all of that money in the process to pay for the daily ultrasounds, lab work, drugs, etc. and what was left over basically covered the debt he created.


Needless to say, there was no romance, haha, no intimacy, etc.
Much less stability, assurance, support, help with the household, etc. He would have job interviews, and I would call to make sure he was awake and he would not answer the phone, I would have everyone call the house over and over and he would not get up. I would leave work to get him up knowing he wouldn't have gone and may not have anyway. He would say he had gotten a job and then not bring home a paycheck. For the longest time I thought he was cheating. But some detective work only proved that he maybe had some minor crushes but not affairs.
Now, it's been over a year, we have been separated, now legally seperated for 2 weeks. I needed to do so to clear my mind, and for him the same. We still live together, because of his circumstances. But I thought after this point he might want to work at getting himself together. He hasn't. He finally got a job (4 months ago) making significantly less, I got a pay raise but thanks to his lowered pay I don't reap the benefits of a pay increase and still have these new bills from him and the IVF. He says he has problems and is trying to make it just day by day.

It came up to a mutual friend of ours, and our friend and I discussed having a child together. I know that sounds bazaar, but he cares for me, and we both want a child. It has ended up where this friend is someone I choose because I care for him, he is a good guy, I trust him, etc, etc, etc. So then I wondered, those are qualities that you would want in a significant other, those are qualities I wanted in my husband, that I thought were there, and were, through bouts of clarity, etc. So then as conversation of this began more and more he and I agreed that we both felt we would be good for each other in that way.
It feels like I am leaving my husband behind, dumping him on his own, just to watch me move forward without him. I don't love him any less. (sobs) but I can't go on like this either. I have told him honestly and up front that I spoke to our friend about this, etc, etc. So I am not planning anything without everyone's knowledge. I am dealing with the guilt that I left behind someone I love very much, who also dreamed of a life with stability and a family, but leaving him behind knowing he won't have that, and that he won't even have me either. I am horrified. I am scared I will lose my husband as a friend, though I have no right to ask him to stand by and watch this. I have no right to ask our friend who is a good man to stand by and watch me be a sacrificial lamb to the cause either.

I strongly feel that you are doing what is right in you. You can't carry someone else all you life. Life is short and if this friend is good to you; then do it. I really don't know what else to say. Except that if you were leaving him for the reasons my wife left me; well then I would say it is wrong, but you do have a good excuse.