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nicholacurran · Apr 23, 2007, 08:42 AM

I don't really know how to start this topic as its all very confusing. I am stepmother to a 6 year old girl. When I met her dad he had full custody of both his children(the other is 4) their mother after having their youngest started taking drugs and drinking. It turned out that she has border line psychofrenic(sorry for the spelling) anyway she did not want the children and custody was given to their dad. After we were together a year we moved in together and because our 6 year old at the time was only 2 1/2 she thought I was her mum and because her biological mother did not want anything to do with them we just let them believe it. When she was about 3 the mother who aparently had cleaned herself up, wanted the children back but the court agreed that she was to only have access on saturdays. We explained this to the children and said that although I was not their biological mother they could call me mum or my real name whatever makes them happy. But their biological mother was having non of this. She constantly tells the children they are not allowed to call me mum and once even went as far as saying I was their babysitter.

For the last year our 6 year old has started telling lies. At first it was only small ones but now they are getting worse. Most recently she said that she nearly drowned while at swimming with her mother because she was left alone in the pool. When we confronted the mother she knew nothing about it so when we asked our daughter it turned out that she had made the whole thing up and does not know why.

I am at my witts end now and feel maybe she needs some emotional counselling or something I'm sure she has issues in relation to her mother.

The mother only sees the children on a Saturday as I said and makes no effort to communicate with them any other day of the week.

Any advice would greatly be appreciated

Matt3046 · Apr 23, 2007, 09:00 AM

The girl seems to not want to see her mother and is trying to formulate a way of accomplishing that. Kids have no power so they will use any means to accomplish their goals. In other words she thinks that if it looks like her mother is not properly caring for them then maybe she won't have to go.
See if there might be someone she could talk to, that is not related to the situation.

louie1 · Apr 23, 2007, 01:56 PM

Hi I totally agree with matt and feel that you need to encourage a member of your family that your daughter would confide in to have " a chat" with her and see if they can get to thre route of the issue.

nicholacurran · Apr 24, 2007, 07:22 AM

Thanks so much, I totally agree with you on that theory but getting the authorities to understand is harder. I'm thinking of asking the court system to appoint her a counsellor so that it can be used in court.

AKaeTrue · Apr 24, 2007, 10:14 AM

Matt had a great answer. His response was my first thoughts when I read your post.
Authorities are sometimes hard to deal with, but you just have to be consistent with them and express your concern for the child.
Getting a counselor to back you up is a great idea.
If the counselor says that the mother is not a healthy influence or endangers the child, the authorities will have to pay attention to that.
And who knows, maybe the pool incident did happen.
It could be possible that the child thought she would get in trouble with her mother for telling and took it back.
Either way, something is going on and from the way you described how the mother is manipulating the child's mind, I would say that she's the problem in this child's life.
Does she act like she wants to visit her mother on Saturdays? Or not?

nicholacurran · Apr 24, 2007, 10:20 AM

Well most saturdays she is OK but there are some saturdays when she absolutely freaks out. She does say that every Saturday she does not want to go but what are we to do. The court order says we have to take her...

AKaeTrue · Apr 24, 2007, 10:40 AM

That's frustrating isn't it...

I think the counselor idea is a great start at getting to the bottom of what may be causing this...

Matt3046 · Apr 24, 2007, 10:56 PM

You sound like a good person. I am always trying to tell people that a step parent is a real parent. Adopt or no adopt, no matter what, when someone loves and cares for a child they are to the child a parent.

nicholacurran · Apr 25, 2007, 08:31 AM

Yes but also being a step parent is nearly harder than being a parent especially if there is someone who does not want you to be the step parent. I feel like in some way she should show some respect to me because I have taken on her kids and love them as if I had given birth to them, and it hurts that someone could take what you have put your heart and soul into and thrown it back in your face.

SONOMAMA29 · Apr 14, 2010, 11:24 AM

Be thankful that it is only a Saturday... do they sleepover , or its just a day visit?

DrBill100 · Apr 16, 2010, 11:48 AM

I have a slightly different perspective on your question.

While your 6-year old needs expert counseling it isn't the type offered by court appointed evaluations.

Your daughter is frightened and confused by the introduction of a second mother. She has no idea of the legal definitions or social meaning of "mother". To her it means you, safety, love. "Mother" is a cluster of emotions attached to you. She is, or was, entirely dependent on you. Emotionally, physically, etc. Then she is told that you are not her mother. From her perspective that is an earth shattering, catastrophic occurrence. At a very basic feeling level her confidence, sense of stability is shaken. Add to this that she questions why "her new mother" has just now appeared which will further on lead to the belief that she "didn't want me" At her age all of this turmoil is internalized, emotional turbulence as she lacks the intellectual development to reason through it or even articulate and express her fears.

If her biological mother were to disappear tomorrow it still wouldn't repair the emotional damage that has resulted.

Without passing judgment on her biological mother, if she suffers substance abuse problems the fact that she is abstinent is only a start. From my experience, she probably suffers self esteem issues and will be of little assistance in resolving the child's issues.

I would recommend a specialist in child psychology. She needs someone with the technical know-how (and experience) to interpret her emotional state and provide her with directive information that will ultimately allow her to explain, in her mind, these occurrences and why they happened to her. She isn't capable, at 6, of doing this now but the information and avenues have to be there so she can grow into them.

Addressing these needs of your daughter isn't something a court can resolve by decree. It is a separate and distinct issue from, although intertwined with, the custody matters.