[talaniman]

Your on a good path with the counseling, even if she chooses not to go, it will help you see things in a realistic light. Does she take medication for ADD and is she maintaining her doctor visits? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a clear picture and I'm assuming that she stays with her mother who is alone.

[familyman2]

No, I appreciate the questions and interest. You're very considerate.

She has been taking meds for her ADD and has made great progress. Her living situation is a little odd. Her mother, who is divorced has the house in her name. She is retired so my wife covers the mortgage. Also living there is her younger sister, who has no money and one 12 year old son. It's a full house there. But the neighborhood has tons of kids and
They all like living there. My wife has her own money, autonomy, a built-in support system, and has been sort of living out her missed teen years. She has a network of friends, male and female, through her bowling league. They do a lot together, and my wife may have even dated some of them. It doesn't concern me too much. I'm glad she has friends. I can't help but feel like I've been replaced a bit. And her situation is comfortable enough to really not need me. But I'm not going to get bent out of shape about it. I've got my own life too. I'll just show her what a great guy I am, and worthy of her time. It'll be her loss if she doesn't stick it out. Naturally it will be my loss too. Hopefully, we can work it out. We really are good together, and for each other. I'm beginning counseling next week.

One other question. Your advice to take it slow will be followed. But what is slow? Do I ask her on a date now and then? Or just friendly talk on the phone once in a while? I like the idea of sending her letters or small thoughful gifts once a week. I got to tell you, it's nice to have my own private Cyrano's here :) I've been at this love game for a long time but I still have lots to learn. Thank you all!

[NowWhat]

You could ask her out and then see how it goes on the date. Maybe she will ask you out after the initial date - if not - give it a week or two and ask again.
Nothing to "in your face". And just remember the "rule" of dating - if you want to go out with some one on Friday or Saturday - Ask Before Wednesday. After wed. it implies that you think she has nothing going on or she was an after thought.
I didn't make the rules - that is just what they are.

[talaniman]

Slow is relaxing, and taking your time to get to know someone. In your case its rebuilding the lines of communication and interest. Even the best relationships have to be spruced up a little. I think if you leaned more toward fun, she would appreciated it and don't smother her with deep issues or a lot of unwanted attention right now. Let it flow and have a good time, and pay attention.

[startover22]

I really want my husband to write me a letter like you wrote your wife, and we are no where near divorce! Having said that, I am so glad you are taking care of things like a man, I am also glad that she might be willing to do more to patch up the things that went wrong! You sure are what we all call a "real man".. Thanks for reasuring us that there are some of you left...

[familyman2]

Thank you Startover, I appreciate your kind words. I wish my wife would appreciate my sentiments even half as much.
I did call her today to tell her about the counselor, and that it was recommended that we both attend the first meeting to alleviate any possible biases. I guess this is standard procedure. My wife seemed ambivalent and said she would check her schedule and let me know. I'll go with or without her.
Guys, this is definitely going to be a slow uphill climb. I am not discouraged in the least however. No need to run from a challenge if it is deemed worthy. And it is...

[talaniman]

You could also change the schedule to fit hers, but it may piss her off, since she probably will take it as a trap.

[Delilah P]

I give you a lot of credit for knowing what you want and pursuing it. It sounds to me that your wife has a LOT of self-confidence. She came into the marriage with two children who weren't yours.. she had two more children with you.. she spends a lot of time with her friends and perhaps had even dated a few of them , she sides with her two 'original children'... and, yet she's 'splitting hairs' with you over some minor disagreements? It seems to me that she a LOT to be grateful for in having you as her husband. Your letter to her alone was heartwarming and definitely something all wives would love to receive from their husbands. All of that being said.. I know that it takes two to make a marriage whole. Making the appointment for the counselor is the first best step.. you are showing your wife that you are serious. I sincerely hope that she 'checks her schedule' and gets to the first meeting with you. Did you say your wife works? What in her schedule could prohibit her from going to the first meeting? You need to go through these steps to know in your heart that you're trying everything possible to keep the marriage together. I hope that your wife feels the same. Regarding the cards or small flower arrangements.. do one of those (or similar) once a week. You could ask her out for coffee, light lunch, or dinner on the weekends. But, as someone here had suggested.. try to ask early in the week. For this week, it wouldn't hurt to try for at least a coffee date. Personally, I don't think it's good to allow too many days to pass without having even a small amount of contact with her. As you had mentioned, she spends much time with her friends and you think they may even take up enough of her time so that she feels she doesn't need you. Don't smother her, but, make sure you're around in ways so you're on her mind.. like through the cards, flowers, or the weekend date.
I wish you the best. What a dynamic guy you are.. still pursuing the love of your life even with the barricades she is attempting to put up. Stay constant.. and persevere. Keep us updated.

[Delilah P]

familyman2, anything happen over the weekend between you and your wife? Did you get to see her or talk to her at all? Or, did you get to send a card or flowers? Is your first counseling session this week?

Take care. Let us know how things are going when you have a chance.

[familyman2]

Hi, I just got back into town today. I left Sat morning to visit relatives in Ohio with my son.
To tell you the truth I thought I would leave my wife alone during this trip, and maybe give her the gift of missing me instead. We'll see. I just feel funny about sending her anything because she may take it as pressure. What do you think? I know you recommend small talk and small gifts. I like the idea too. However, I don't want to push her away. I don't know if she will join me at counseling on Frdiay yet. I'll talk to her tonight or within the next couple days. I am very torn about this. Obviously I would like to talk to her, to see her, to send her flowers. It is a delicate situation. I do not want her to think of this as pressure to attend counseling or anything else. What to do...

[NowWhat]

As long as you don't mention counseling or anything like that in a note or card - I don't think that is pressure. I have learned that you have to fight for what is yours. If you want your marriage - don't be afraid of taking chances and doing what you need to to get your results. I am not suggesting you stalk her - but don't just sit around and be passive.
If you sent her a card. Just get a "thinking of you" card. Or something with a funny picture that is blank inside. Just simply write Hi, was thinking of you...
You get the idea.
If she is feeling pressured - she will let you know.

[familyman2]

Well, I went to the counselor today. She is an excellent counselor and I really think she can help us, or at least me. My wife didn't come. She wanted me to go to the first one or two alone. I guess she felt I needed to work on some issues. Right or wrong, it helped me. I felt better after the session. I told my wife how good the counselor was, she said she was glad I liked it. Then I said I felt confident that this counselor could help us, and my wife seemed ambivalent and said we'll see. I kept a positive attitude and left with my daughter. On your advice, I did get her a gift for mother's day. I'll let my daughter give it to her on Sunday.

I am still positive that we can work this out. I am just proceeding with the thoughts that we already have started to rebuild our friendship. And she definitely knows that my intentions are to ultimately bring the family back together.

But am I wrong for doing this? She told me four weeks ago she wanted to divorce. I'm the one who is trying to save this marriage. She has yet to really come out and say she wants this. Maybe she's confused, maybe she wants out but can't find the way to say it, maybe she does want to stay but is still undecided. Whatever the case, am I being an arse for trying to stop the divorce and keep our marriage alive? Shouldn't I just apologize for pushing for this and give her the divorce she asked for? I feel like I'm walking a tight rope!
If I didn't feel like we had a chance at true happiness, and a chance get the kids under one roof, it would be an easier decision. But this is going to determine the rest of my life, and I am determined to keep trying. I just want to know if I am justified for doing this.
Can you sense the struggle I have going on in my head?

[Delilah P]

I'm glad to hear that you went to the conselor and left feeling good about it. I wish your wife would have gone with you, but she didn't. It seems that she really thinks that you are the one with the issue that needs to be worked out since she wants you to go alone to the first two sessions.

You shouldn't question your intentions. You are half of your marriage. You have the right to do all you can to keep it together if you love her as much as you say. Why would you want to give in if you love her so much? You, like everyone, have to persevere for everything you want.. you can't back down. It would look to your wife, "Well, he just gave up .. he doesn't want to even try to win me back!". If you don't go with what's in your heart you will surely lose any chance you have with her.

We here can only help by hearing one side of the story. From what you had just written, you could be right on your observations. Maybe she wants out of the marriage, but can't get herself to REALLY tell you, or, she could be unsure and is waiting to see how the counseling could help. Do you think she could be seeing someone else? In either case, if this was happening to me and I still truly loved my husband... I would do all I could. I would call him and leave a brief voice mail saying I was thinking about him.. I'd send a note or card once a week just to keep me on his mind. I wouldn't give up trying to get us back together. I'd always have to wonder the rest of my life if I had tried hard enough to win him back.

In my opinion, you should do as much as you can, or are comfortable doing, until your wife tells you it's not working or there IS hope. If it eventually comes to a point where you are trying and trying but not receiving any positive feedback from your wife.. then it would be time to sit down and have a serious talk with her. You don't want to be an ostrich with his head in the sand.. you have to hear the truth at some point and not let her string you along.

I think it's great that you're trying to keep the marriage together by going to counseling and being more accepting of things neither of you agree with. If everyone gave up, marriages would be like "throw away marriages or lives".

I'm glad you got her a Mother's Day gift. She is the mother of your children, after all.

As before, please keep us updated. Good luck to you!

[tawnynkids]

Can I just say Familyman thank God for you, if there were more men like you there just might be a lot less divorces! I commend you for your efforts and being a real man!

[YeloDasy]

I think it is okay to make the effort for you marriage, but really focus on you as well... its like killing 2 birds with one stone... you can't go wrong. It sounds like you are doing it for her and your marriage, but think of it for you personally as well. If you are making the efforts, and changes on your half... and it works out, great! If it doesn't, you did all you could. And showing her you are making the effort, with out the pressure for her... but you can tell her what you are learning, and hope that she makes the effort as well. If she doesn't, then it wasn't going to work anyway... a marriage can only work when 2 people are committed to making it work. :)
And I agree with the above person, KUDOS TO YOU!!

[familyman2]

Hey thank you all so much. This is what I needed to hear. It gives me more hope to proceed. Delilah, I don't think she is seeing someone else. I asked her straight out about it a couple weeks ago, and she emphatically denied it. I know she has male friends from her bowling league. It's possible she has dated, or is dating one of them. But I am number 1, going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is telling me the truth. And 2, it doesn't matter to me either way. I'm going to try to get her back anyway. I'll steal her back from the guy who stole her from me. And I won't give up unless she either says she's 100% out or 100% in.

[talaniman]

Some of the past did come up and she said she is having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I told her that I have forgiven her for things she's done to hurt me, and hoped that she would be able to get to a better place; in time, and after counseling.

Sorry to be pesky, or nosy but could you elaborate a bit on this comment. Just want to get a clear picture.

[NowWhat]

I know that when you are in the middle of this rollercoaster, a minute feels like an hour. I know you want this to happen now. YOu have to give it time. Continue to be patient. I do have to say that you are probably right in having this feelings of doubt. SHe isn't giving you much to work with. But again, that will happen in time.
Continue on your path - work on you. Either way, you will come out of this with a new prospective and that is never bad.

[familyman2]

Thanks NowWhat, slow and steady. Got it.

Taliniman, to answer your question would take some time. Suffice it to say after 12 years of being together we have had our share of hurtful deeds. Basically, she is a walking financial disaster. I have had to bail her out countless times. And many times she has lied about payments not made, that hurt my good credit rating. Or not giving me all her income info when I did our taxes, and I ended up having to pay back taxes. Dumb stuff really. She makes good money, but can't save a nickel. Then she starts spending all of my money. Truthfully, I don't care about the money. I care about the honesty and trust surrounding it. Now what have I done? Well when I became an instant step-father I tried the best I could. I did a lot of good things for her kids. But I also tended to be too strict sometimes. I think it had to do with my upbringing. And also because I felt like the outsider, which I was. There's no excuse for my behavior but I did tend to be overbearing at times. It was just a tough situation for all of us. We should have been in counseling from the get go. When we separated, she left the house with the kids to go live with her mom and sister. The house is in my name, and I paid for it. I wasn't about to leave it to someone with no credit. I gave her 10K to help out when she left. I was just thinking she would go for a few months, and then come back. Well, she hasn't yet, and she still resents me for it. Since then, I have made peace with her kids. In fact we get along great. I have offered to expand my house so she and her mom and sister could come live with us. I have also offered to build a new home for everyone. Every time we have an argument , however, she just keeps bringing this up. It's like I'm getting sued constantly for the same crime. Even though it wasn't entirely my fault. And I've made amends for it. So I have forgiven her for the monetary problems. I have told her repeatedly that the money means nothing compared to out marriage. She just hasn't forgiven me for the separation. To me it's all in the past, and we can work through these issues. To her these problems keep reoccurring in her mind. I need to get her to counseling...

[NowWhat]

Did you initially want the separation? I am just wondering because if she is the one who wanted it - why would she need to forgive you?
Money is money - it does cause issues in a marriage - but you are right - it is more about trust and honesty.
She definitely needs counseling - to teach her how to let go of things. What good comes from beating a dead horse?
Like I said before, just keep on your path. You are not wrong to want to work this out. You are part of this marriage and you have a say. If you want this - don't just roll over. Do what you can to make it work.