[catch22]

I just got married this year but there's a cloud over the marriage.

Two months before the wedding, I found out that my fiancé had slept with someone after our first date. I had always been suspicious of this girl, who emailed from time to time, and he always got angry and insisted I was jealous and paranoid and that she was "just a good friend."

I only found out the truth while we were out of town and friends of his thought I was her.

He doesn't consider what he did "cheating" because he says we weren't yet a committed couple. But he lied about sleeping with this girl - for over a year! - and he knew full well I would have broken up with him at the time if I'd known the truth.


I was devastated because it was one more lie on top of many lies. For instance, he had claimed I was the only girl he'd dated since his ex "K" and then it turned out he had slept with five different women between the time he broke up with her and started dating me.

He also lied about surfing internet porn numerous times, and lied about the true nature of his "friendships" with women I felt uncomfortable about him being "friends" with - turns out four of them were ex girlfriends or lovers from the past.

I feel like I can't trust him any more and even though this is all in the past, it still feels like the betrayal and deception are fresh. I"m very concerned about all of these lies because now I know he's capable of lying to my face repeatedy. I've stayed with him because aside from these issues, he's an awesome guy who's very committed to me and treats me well - funny, warm, affectionate, generous, giving.

But my anger about his betrayal is destroying our marriage.

He says I need to forgive him and excuses his behavior by saying he was depressed at the time I met him and not himself. He also says he felt backed into a corner by all my questions and he feared I'd break up with him if he told me the truth.

I need advice on how to let go of the anger and resentment I feel towards him.

What kills me is this girl he slept with after our first date emailed him the week before we got married. He just emailed back a very nice response and mentioned he was getting married so she emailed again wanting to "touch base" when he got back from the honeymoon.

That's when I stepped in and emailed her asking her to stop.

I feel these are serious issues but my husband says they're my issues and that he's said he's sorry and now that we're married, will be 100% committed and faithful.

But I just can't get over the hurt and wonder whether we should get divorced at the risk of having a very unhappy marriage with so much distrust.

[JoeCanada76]

The only thing I can suggest is for you to start marriage counseling. If he is a willing participant then go together. If not, then it is important that you go to counseling alone. You will be able to get all your worries and concerns. They will also help you cope with certain situations and give you the tools of how to deal with this.

Please start counseling as soon as possible.

Joe

[catch22]

Hi Joe - thanks for the reply. I feel really alone right now. The trouble is, we just don't have money for counselling. My company folded after I got back from the honeymoon and we're struggling under a mountain of debt. I've tried making phone calls to find a counsellor - it's way too expensive for us. What do you honestly think of the whole situation?

[jonty2400]

I Am Going Through Something Similar. My Fiancé Of 2 Years (been Together For 6), Has Been Lying To Me, According To His Ex-wife. I Am Furious! I Do Not Know What To Do. Problem Is, I Believe Her. I Have Left Him Because I Can Not Stand The Sight Of Him.. I Just Do Not Think I Can Live With A Liar. Especially What He Has Been Lying About!

[Inspired]

I have gone through almost the same situation as you, except for the fact that I was not jealous over his ex. I knew they still emailed from time to time, but I trusted him. I am not naturally a jealous person and felt that his past is his past, even though he lied to me about sleeping with her before we met. I still gave him the benefit of doubt . Well he ended up cheating on me with her and we broke up. I honestly think it is not worth driving yourself crazy trying to go behind his back to see what he's up to. Counseling is a good option. You say you can't afford it, but if you really want your marriage to work you will find a way to afford it. If you still feel you can't trust him, let him go. Its better for you at this time, since you do not have any kids (I am assuming). Good luck with your situation. I have learned, that if they can lie then they will always lie. Sometimes the lies lead to cheating as well.

[hawaii-girl]

The same thing happened to me, except I found out only 1 month before our wedding, and was simply too embarrassed to cancel it. It sounds stupid, but we planned the wedding for a year, we spent over $20,000, we had received hundreds of gifts, and all my friends had already bought plane tickets to Hawaii to be there. Many of my friends are married to wonderful men, and I didn't want to admit that I was marrying a man who cheated on me. I had figured that I would either get over it or we would just get a divorce eventually. Well, it's almost 2 years later, and I've done neither. I am very happy to be married with a beautiful daughter, instead of single and 30 like most of my friends, out there accepting dates with the most awful of men, but I am not over it and no amount of counseling will get me "over" it. The problem is that I don't want a ruined marriage, but I don't want to be married to someone who lied to me so many times. And, even though by husband sought counseling for over a year, he still lies to me (not about cheating any more, but still, it increases trust-issues).

I just wish I wasn't cheated out of having the marriage we could have had and the bottom line is that no amount of counseling will ever give us the marriage we could have had. I never thought I would have stayed with a cheater, and counseling cannot help me reconcile that fact. Even if counseling allows me to forgive him, there are simply things that are ruined forever, since I know those moments where stained with the fact that he cheated on me that same night. I don't want to know how to make a better relationship with him. I simply want to know how I can get my dignity back. I would love your advice, since you are going through the same thing.

A side issue that we are having is that his parents blame me for his actions. They have told us that we should get a divorce because I somehow have forced him to cheat on me. Right now, we are simply avoiding them until our marriage is stronger. Is that the best advice?

[ballengerb1]

Counseling would help but there are two truths that should be faced. #1 people lie, teachers, police, clergy, doctors and you husband. Lying isn't right but it appears to be part of human nature, often to hide embarrassing decisions and things we regret. #2 you were dating and there is not unwritten code that you are holding him to. How does he treat you now and do you love him enough to forgive him and start fresh? I think that's the most important thing is the here and now.

[hawaii-girl]

I completely agree that those are 2 very important truths that I was naïve about before finding out that my fiancé (now-husband) cheated on me. I incorrectly thought friends were honest and only scums lied, and that while the past, was past, anything done since that person met you showed a piece of who they are. Thank you for reminding me of those 2 very important and sad "facts about life."

The remaining problem and the one that I cannot seem to deal with is my dignity. If I am to be lied to, I had believed I should leave, but I have stayed. What does that say, if anything, about my dignity? I had believed that he had treated me better than past girlfriends. I have found out that he cheated on me and not on them, and I was treated worse. Does that say something about my confidence that I am staying with a man who treats me worse than my past boyfriends did, and that he treated his past girlfriends?

What are the "facts about life" on those issues? First, is it a "fact" that people who stay in relationships were they were cheated on have low self-confidence? Second, is it a "fact" that people who make excuses to stay with a person when they had said they would never stay with a person who did those things are in a bad relationship? And, finally, it is a "fact" that I will never feel as wanted and loved as I would in a different relationship because of the past? I truly believe that you are only made to feel insignificant if you allow others to treat you that way. Have I allowed my husband to make me feel insignificant and not special? At some point, "facts" are not facts at all, but just the depressing views of people who have given up on life and love. I do know good friends who are in 8-year and longer marriages with men who have never lied to them and have no shameful past, so I know it's possible.

What will I regret in 50 years? Staying with him or not giving it another 2 years at least? At what point do I give up? I had said that I was only giving it 1 year to get better, but now it's been 2 years already. Should I stay with him unless he cheats again? He's already lied again, so I can't use lying as a guideline.

[ballengerb1]

Sometimes you scarific dignity and pride for love. It isn't always fair or easy, like life. I've been married for 37 years and all husbands lie. No that dress looks fine, I really like your hair, I'm going bowling, the mower ran out of gas: those kind of lies. I don't know you friends or their husbands but I'd suspect there have been some lies you don't know about. Their relationship isn't what's important right now, its how you feel about your marriage. Have you considered marriage counseling or individual counseling. I work with a center for many years and counseling can be very helpful. Best wishes, Bob

[catch22]

Hi Hawaii Girl,

I feel really bad for you.

I think cheating is an issue that people tend to have divided opinions about, depending on their own moral paradigms. Some of my friends insist that if my husband were to cheat on me ten years from now when we have kids, I wouldn't leave the marriage. But this is just an example of people projecting their own thoughts and feelings on a hypothetical situation.

I know in my heart that I could never stay with someone who's sexually unfaithful during marriage.

I don't think it's fair of anyone to try to impose their own world view. We're all unique and come from different walks of life and religious/moral experiences. For instance, I'm not a Jew but I would never try to tell a Jew that what they think/believe is wrong.

So if people try to tell you to "just get over it" because it wouldn't bother them - they're wrong to say that. All that means is their morality is different and what hurts you and affects you deeply wouldn't have the same impact on them.

I wish I had some good advice for you. Maybe it's time to try a different counsellor..

I have tried a couple of counsellors and my husband and I were in pre-marital counselling before the wedding, so after I discovered his betrayal we were able to talk about it.

The way I explain the situation is this:

Our first date was incredible for me and felt like magic. All the good in our relationship seemed to flow from that special night.

So when I found out that my now-husband was already seeing someone at the same time we had our date together, then slept with her, then continued dating me a day later, while continuing to communicate with her and lying for over a year, it tainted the whole relationship.

What I said to my friends: Imagine your wedding day and how beautiful a memory it is for you. Think about what it means. Now imagine your husband slept with a hooker the night before the wedding, and you've just found out a year later. How do you feel about your wedding day now?

The point is, we trust our partners and build our memories and our security in our relationships based on that trust.

Finding out about a significant lie makes it feel like the ground is caving under us - the whole foundation of our relationship seems like it was now built on lies. And there WERE in fact lies! We've been treated in a way we couldn't even imagine treating the other person.


I found the counsellor at the time was very "new age" (i.e. "all truth is relative") and basically took the position that what was done was done, and I can't keep punishing my now-husband for something that took place in the past. He has never taken responsibility for his actions, not even telling the other girl to stop emailing. That's what really upsets me more than anything.

My present counsellor (this is for individual counselling) takes a much different view of things and sees the lying and betrayal as a lot more significant. Dr. Phil also takes a very negative view of men who chronically lie.

I've also been reading some books that talk about how much psychological harm is done when one parnter lies to the other, and then lies about the lying.

It can make you doubt your own sanity!

Everyone lies to some degree, yes, but not everyone cheats on their girlfriends or wives.

There are some really good books out there: Try Dr. Joy Browne and Dr. Phil.

They're pretty blunt about their take on men who cheat and/or lie.

My personal experience:

I reached a point where the anger was consuming me so much, it was making my whole life miserable

The counsellor told me that my indecisiveness about my marriage was causing anxiety and making things worse. She basically said I had to make a decision between staying in the marriage and really working on it, or leaving.

I came to the conclusion that I wanted to try to make it work and started to deliberately focus on all the positive in my life. When bad memories of the girl would come up, I'd stop them consciously and focus on something else.

I also started focusing on all of my husband's good qualities as much as I can.

Like you, I still feel that at the end of the day, both of us being sensitive people, the hurt isn't likely to go away. I guess the best we can hope for is that with time it will fade.

If I knew more about the circumstances of your husband's betrayal, I might be able to help more. It might be that you need some physical space and time apart so you can think about what you really want.

Would you be happier leaving and meeting someone new so you can start on a fresh slate? Only you know the answer to that. Is there anything your husband can say or do to help you heal?

If you want to set up a "safe" email account (for your privacy), I can contact you.

It helps to share with someone going through the same thing.

Take good care of yourself

Xx

[magnetscoil]

You need to get over it, he obviously was trying to protect your feelings. If you haven't established a commitment than you are being unreasonable. This is your insecurities speaking. Its not the end of the world and if you let this tear your marriage apart it is 100% your own doing

[lisa1122tx]

I remember a simpler time when a man's word was his honor and it was kept and his family was his legacy who he would protect from harm. Times sure have changed. "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive". Just imagine what the world will be like in 40 more years. I have no words for it. All I can offer is hang in there and don't depend on others for your happiness. Depend only on yourself.

[div2wice]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. When my 1st husband cheated on me, it was something I just couldn't let go of. I couldn't move past the lying and infidelity. Make it worst, it was with my best friend. Our kids Godmother... I couldn't trust much after that and it eventually led to the end of our marriage. I feel some people want to change but it HAS to be their decision. No one can make anyone change themselves. They have to do that on their own. Don't worry, it gets better. You deserve better.

http://www.divorce4her.com/testimonies.html

[justlikeyou]

[b]

Oh, my god.
catch22 - this sounds exactly like my situation.
I signed up because of you!
Married three months, and I, like a total , am finally starting to trust my intuitions on things from the past.
The last ten years have been a lie!
I can not catch my husband on lying about anything big when we've been together in a relationship, but he has had sexual relationships w/ women every time we split up and lied about it when we got back together.
I'm not saying that I should know everything about his past when he wasn't w/ me, but he sure did put me through hell interrogating me about my relationships during breakups.

When I catch him in his lies, he totally freaks.
He says that now that we're married, I don't have to worry about anymore lies and I can completely trust him.
Problem is he's not the one deciding who I trust and when I trust them!

I am currently in marriage counseling -- alone.
He refuses to attend, and I doubt he ever will.

I have gone over and over divorce in my head, but I think I am going to try to find some resolve w/ my counseling.
At least that way I will feel confident that I did my part to save this relationship.

I absolutely do not rule out a divorce in the future from the effects of this and his inability to realize how serious the situation is for me.

I know it's completely embarrassing to talk to people close to you in this situation.

Good luck!

[Meredith1978]

How did you know it was a committed relationship on the first date?

Did he know?

A long time ago, I was dating this guy and we went out a few times but it hadn't even dawned on me that we were in a relationship so I occasionally dated other people. I didn't sleep with him at the time, or any of the others but I was still dating other people.

A month later he said something like it was our one month anniversary and I had no idea what he was talking about.

There was no more dating anyone after that but seriously I had no idea. Are you sure he knew you two were in a relationship? I mean before you decide he's a complete piece of crap, it is possible it was not clear that it was a committed relationship right from the get go. In school it was easy, "hey you wanna be my boyfriend?" okay we're together now. As an adult, it isn't always that clear.

My husband... well I have no idea when we started dating, we might count it from around the first date now, but I'm pretty sure it was a couple months before we sat down and talked about making it official. I didn't date anyone else and cancelled all other dates after about the third time we hung out.

I know it still makes you growl. And it doesn't mean you have to like it, but...

[talaniman]

While I think its highly possible his lies were to spare your feelings, its just as likely he may not of been ready to disclose his whole life truth to you.

You have already said you cannot afford counseling, but a spiritual mentor, or trusted friend, or older relative, to talk, and vent to, can help you work through the process of working through your own feelings.

How you handle things is more important, than the events you have gone through.

We all need help to get through some tough times, and as you see here, your not alone.

[Gemini54]

I suspect that this is, as others have already said, not something that you can handle on your own. You will need to speak with someone to provide you with guidance - but, you need to do it together.

It's all very well for him to say it's your problem now - but he created it with his continued lies. He's now trying to put the responsibility for dealing with it back on to you. This is unacceptable, in my view.

Every action has a consequence, and it's important that he understands your anxiety and distrust are consequences of his actions. He now needs to demonstrate that he is worthy of your trust and to also understand that it may take time for you to feel confident about him, his continued behavior and the future of your marriage.

The start of this process is honest communication and he needs to meet you half way in this.

[Mabelly]

Mmmm.. I know this is a question from 2007!! Sorry but I just decided to Google this as "husband cheat before marriage" and here so many girls have pass through that, my husband says I'm crazy obsessed over something so ridicolous, but even when he calls me crazy, I can't resist and can't avoid to feel horrible every time I remember that he slept with his Ex-girlfriend (once as per his declaration) while we were dating and those times when I thought he was so in love with me , an I was almost able to put my hands in the fire and say he is unable to cheat on me, he loves me!. but one day, funny one of those days during my pregnancy when I was emotional and all those sentitive things happened, I closed my eyes and I kind of daydreamed that I was driving a car and he was in the passenger seat then I was there asking to him: Did you ever sleep with somebody else while we were dating, and in my dream he was quiet like suddenly ashamed, and I just stopped the car and I knew the answer I woke up. And I felt this sadness and worry, that day he was out fishing with his friends. When he came back home I didn't aske anything but I kept that one question in my mind, thinking: do I want to know the answer? Sooo months after we had out baby we are talking on bed and just chating of different things and I suddenly felt like telling him about that dream, and I did, and right after the story I asked: did you ever sleep with somebody else while we were dating, and he said right the way: Yes one last time with my exgirlfriend, he said if so fluid and not worried, my tears came inmediately I felt so dissapointed and I was feeling again the same that I felt when I had the premonitory dream. I tried to keep my calm and hid my feelings because I had to appreciate his honesty more than anything that night. I asked him when was it, he kept saying I don't remember, I don't know, I don't even want to remember was disguting and evil game she played (the Ex) the truth is that while we were dating the ex- was constantly harassing him by phone, emails, showing up. I don't know if she finally got him to go to bed with her with tricks. Either way I feel dissapointed, it has been like 5 months from the time that I confirmed that he cheated on me, and I can't help to bring it up, it hurts inside, I can't forgive because I don't know what I'm forgiving. It changes my image of him tremendously, he just can't understan why would it change, but those times for me were the reason why I marrried him and he doesn't get that SIMPLE, if you would've let me know what you did, I wouldn't marry you, so he cheated twice by keeping me away from the truth I think it should've been my choice to stay or leave. Now.. I was doing laundry it comes up to me again, I came and googled and I see other girls that feel the same way, now I see this is normal to feel is not stupid to feel betrayed even when it was long time ago, and even when it was while we were not "committed" yet.. I think we were supposed to be committed, and if a boyfriend or girlfriend cheats, you break up.. or just live with it, but it should be your choice. Now I'm getting sick of bringing this up to him, he is fed up too, if I bring it up again he will call me crazy again, he becomes my victim, because I try to get information, when was that, where was I, why did you do it?. information that in my mind will give me more clues to find out his Cheater's Level.
Anyway, I have one more and definitive request for him and this is the craziest one, but I just see that like the only way to fix this: Contact your exgirlfriend, get her to tell you when and what did you guys do, and how did it happened. I want to make sure that I know the truth and then I will rest, and I may forgive or just make sure that I will never forgive. But not carrying with the pain of being uncertain. Mmm super bad feelings