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    Salamander86's Avatar
    Salamander86 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 25, 2020, 01:51 AM
    How do you deal with a family that seems to hate you?
    Hi there!,

    I don't know where to start really.. my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and I have never felt so rejected by a family in my history of dating. To be honest, I've been very close with both of my ex's families. A few months in to dating, my boyfriend's brother had a new baby. Both sides of the family, friends, etc. were invited but I was specifically not invited. He had wanted to bring me and I took the day off for it but his sister in law sent several texts to him telling him I wasn't welcome because I was a stranger so I stayed home while he went. I thought okay, she just had a baby and I'm new in his life, sure. My mom passed away a few months later and his sister in law sent condolences my boyfriend showed me the text so I thought all was well. At this point I hadn't really met his family since they do not do a single thing. They do not celebrate their sons birthdays, they don't do holidays, and prefer to sit in their home and watch tv.. seriously. They don't do anything. Come November I was finally invited to an event, his niece's baptism, where I had the chance to meet the family formally and some family friends. No one spoke to me except my boyfriend's friends. I tried to pipe up in conversation, where I had the chance to get some words in and exchange with his dad, otherwise they spoke Spanish the entire time which I don't understand. When I got drinks for a few of us I brought his parent's drinks as well, I do tend to be rather shy initially but I did make an effort where I could to talk to anyone we were around. I get that the brother and sister in law were busy, they were hosting an event so I didn't expect to talk to then much but even when I said thank you for having me to his brother when we were leaving and that it was nice to finally meet him.. I looked him square in the face and no reply, he turned away from me and talked to someone else. Come Christmas time, it being the first Christmas without my mom I didn't want to see anyone and I didn't even have my dad come out for it. Everyone grieves differently and I just could not handle a Christmas 3 months after she passed. With my boyfriend's family not doing anything I thought it worked but his godmother asked him to come over and when he explained why he didn't want to, as he chose to stay with me, his godmother replied well my dad died this year too..? His brother and his wife finally invited me for a dinner with my boyfriend a year in to us dating but this was for the very same night. I'm a bartender and asking me on a Friday afternoon to give away my Friday night shift is nearly impossible to do but I tried with no avail so they made a huge fuss about it and said they didn't want to meet me anyway, didn't know why they bothered.. which confused me.. and then they were upset I hadn't tried adding them to social media? like what? I said I was open to go another time if we could just plan it even a few days in advance as I am a full time student, I volunteer and I work 3 days a week which my boyfriend conveyed to them. Anyway, his sister in law finally spoke to me and the first words I ever got were sent via a massive massive message that literally takes up three full screens on my iPhone through instagram that, in short, she never wanted me at her daughter's baptism and she didn't want me coming to her daughter's upcoming birthday as I hadn't been to their house for a dinner yet. I honestly don't know what to think of this family. I held my tongue, set up a dinner with them at their home that worked for all of us, we brought my boyfriend's niece a birthday gift since I wasn't allowed to go to the birthday that very same weekend and I bought his mom a really nice bracelet for her birthday and a bouquet of flowers since her and the kid happen to have the same birthday. Again, the brother literally asked me two questions - if I'm an asthmatic and why I'm taking his brother away from him, the parents said pretty much nothing except a simple thank you for the present, and the wife was the only one who spoke the entire time to me. I knew they thought I didn't speak and his brother blamed me for the lack of interactions so I made a strong effort to keep asking questions and talking and talking and trying to get a bloody word out of them so they couldn't say I didn't try. They don't ask about you, don't talk about anything at all, they're quiet and it's awkward. I also made a cheesecake and brought it to his parents house on a separate occasion to try and get to know them but the dad just took his slice in to his room and kept watching sports and the mom talked to my boyfriend the whole time, again mostly in Spanish. I also decided to move home to be with my dad as he is the only family I have left now and my boyfriend's brother went off about how selfish I am for taking him with me to my home town, which is only an hour flight away, despite him still going there every two weeks as his job is still there and he visits them more now than he ever did when living there. To me, family is very important and I want to feel like a part of one but I don't know if I should just give up trying with this family? I've expressed that I think his family flat out hates me and I don't know why but my boyfriend says they don't. Also, this is not an issue of not being able to speak english. They're fully fluent and had the parents had a full on connection with his last girlfriend and no, the brother and sister in law hadn't met the last girlfriend so I don't think it's them being upset he's dating me now. Thoughts, anything, please! As I don't know if I should even bother with it anymore. I'm at the point that if we ever got married I wouldn't want them at my wedding because I feel beyond rejected - I would never say that or try to enforce that or something it's just a feeling as I've never felt so rejected by a family.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Nov 25, 2020, 10:44 AM
    Sounds like an emotional mess. Best I can tell you is love them unconditionally and expect NOTHING from them. They might be nuts, or maybe you are 8O, but whatever the case focus on your boyfriend, be nice, and go about your own business which sounds like a lot without the in law drama. Maybe tell the BF to not force you being with his family of kooks(?), for now any way, and just chalk it up to personality differences. You will never change them so don't let them drive you nuts.

    You and the boyfriend must be pretty solid and sorry about your mom, I imagine that adds to the stress, but make YOU and your own sanity the priority, while you leave the loons alone for a while. Maybe they just have their own issues to deal with and you can't help anyway so give them plenty of time and space.

    Be good to yourself, and look for that family love and support elsewhere...like your dad for now. Good luck.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #3

    Nov 25, 2020, 12:51 PM
    I wonder about the sister in law. How did she wiggle her way into the family dynamics and become accepted?
    Salamander86's Avatar
    Salamander86 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Nov 25, 2020, 01:49 PM
    thanks for the replies! The sister in law is not accepted, she's apparently tolerated as they want to see the now two nieces / grand kids. I was warned about her by a friend who happens to be her god daughter and others who know her. She's very rude to them and I've heard about the comments she's made to their family.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #5

    Nov 25, 2020, 02:27 PM
    Is there anyone in the family who's approachable and with whom you can make some headway? What about learning some Spanish (even from them), or would they consider that an insult? And can your boyfriend figure out their attitude? Have they been like that with any other girlfriend he's had (like they're afraid they'll "lose" him)? Oh, may I ask how old you and he are?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Nov 26, 2020, 09:17 AM
    Just curious as to how your BF gets along and interacts with your family? Often different upbringing and backgrounds leads to different expectations and confusions that have to be reconciled and dealt with that can only be resolved long term after much tribulation. In other words lots of hassles and conflicts.

    The more people in the mix, the more confusion and conflicts that can arise. I think most couples have this happen on many levels as they get more deeply involved with each other. Even after a year and a half of this relationship, I wouldn't take the actions and reactions of others that personally yet.

    The relationships are still just a works in progress. Never know how things will work out.

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