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    jen7's Avatar
    jen7 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 12, 2020, 08:00 AM
    I really need in put on this!
    Hi ok let me start from the beginning. My parents live in the USA as well as when i was a child and my grandparents lived in Italy. We would go to Italy almost every other summer. I Had a cousin in Italy. Anyway i started developing feelings for him and he did to me to. The first time we kissed I was 14 and he was 20... WE didn't do anything after that. He lives in Italy and I in the Usa. Anyway a couple years later we started a relationship even though my family didn't approve to much.. I broke it off with him because I was scared and worried what people would think.. WE loved each other very much.. We were in love. ok over 25 years later he is now getting a divorced with two kids. He still lives in Italy and I in the USA. WE saw each other and he told me he still loves me and I love him too very much.. WE kissed alot with tons of passion.. I was in Italy this past summer. He wants us to start again he said he will come to the Usa.. I love him but im not sure what to do. I worry about my family and what people think ... What should I do.. I know if i don't go back with him I will regret it.. I regret letting him go years ago. I guess Im still what others will think.. Any help would be helpfull thanks.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Feb 12, 2020, 09:14 AM
    I don't know how old you are now, but you don't seem to have grown emotionally beyond 14, and 20, so I suppose it's understandable for feelings to still be hot between you two, since there was no chance for the lust to fade, and a real healthy love to grow if indeed it would have. Healthy discovery was stunted by fear, and life. That same fear of the judgement by family is still there, and not likely to change or be appeased so the dilemma!

    I get you hate to blow a chance at what you think will make you happy, but you sacrifice family to do it, he leaves his but yours is still here, so leave him and the passion alone so you can figure it out. LOVE would understand the need to make a decision, but LUST will not. Tough choice between love and family. Have you been married and had other relationships in all those years? Kids?
    jen7's Avatar
    jen7 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Feb 12, 2020, 09:28 AM
    Hi there thanks yes i had other relationship no kids. we are both in our 40s. My family would still talk to us they just wont like it
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    jen7 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Feb 12, 2020, 10:09 AM
    hi why do you think im still emontionally 14 or 20? :)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #5

    Feb 12, 2020, 11:26 AM
    Because you both still have the same feelings from before and years later they are still unresolved as they were then. That's why I think you need time to see how to resolve this in a way that works for you mainly, and him too. You wrote that your family won't like it, and while they may speak to you, that relationship will surely change, maybe not for the better. Are you first cousins? Few families would like that or cousins period, being in a relationship, so think hard before you buck traditions for love. There are never guarantees of happiness in any relationship, and add the extra pressure from family, it may be an obstacle for happiness you should be very aware of. He does have the added stress of relocating and reestablishing himself and you both though related and visited, hot as it is, still must be able to sustain a relationship being in the same place at the same time and that's the true mark of any relationship.

    Lust fades, and love grows. Can't say where it goes, but for sure know one knows until the test of time has worked. I am not convinced honestly that this long distance lust will work long term as a couple without distance either. I know nothing about either of you but regardless I advise thoughtful caution rather than just jump in and see what happens.

    That's just me though. What do you think?
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    jen7 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Feb 12, 2020, 11:46 AM
    Thank you!! You give really good advice and input. Yes we are first cousins and I guess that's what I have worried about.. Not so much what family think because they knew about us years ago.. They might not like it but would come around....I guess I worry more about what others think even though I know I shouldn't.. Yes relocating is tough and we would have to really talk and work through it..

    He has told me many times that he loves me and always has and will not give up on me.. I told him I love him very much too.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #7

    Feb 12, 2020, 11:53 AM
    The big fear over first cousins marrying is that they will produce deformed or physically/mentally disabled children (and is that an old wives' tale to prevent inbreeding?). Since this isn't a concern in your case, go for it! The years are flying by!
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    jen7 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Feb 12, 2020, 12:00 PM
    Hi Thanks all how do you get passed not caring what others think??..Yes that is all old wives tale about cousins having disabled kids.. I know some cousins years ago who married and the kids were fine.
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    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #9

    Feb 12, 2020, 12:32 PM
    You do want to care what others think but don't want it to fester inside you.

    Be a good listener and give the other person a chance to vent (letting go of any upset). Be empathetic (nod your head, murmur "I hear you" or "I'm listening" or something similar now and then) to show that you understand their concern. Once they've run out of gas, explain that the first-cousins-marrying ban was to prevent birth defects, and that won't be a concern in your case.
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    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #10

    Feb 12, 2020, 12:55 PM
    Not to be nosey, but where you ever married? Did you live with someone while in a relationship, if so was that an issue with family? Do you plan to get married? By family who object, to whom do you refer to? Just asking because I understand how elders see things differently than the youths.
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    jen7 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Feb 12, 2020, 01:18 PM
    Hi there thanks I have been in past relationships lived with a person yes.. This cousin we had a relationship years ago when we were kids..do I want to marry now yes why not.. I guess who would object I mean I guess our mothers, brothers and other cousins in our family.. don’t worry ask what ever you want you not being nosey

    Family never had a issue with other things no
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #12

    Feb 13, 2020, 04:05 AM
    As a FATHER with a 40 something daughter, I would object, but how far I would take it is unknown, but you seem to have a loving supportive family otherwise. I imagine the test is the family social gatherings you both attend as a romantic couple, but this is a choice between the two of you, and how you handle the challenges of life is what will define the relationship, as applies to ALL relationships.

    I think I hope there is a lot of talking before that marriage thing, at least a year to get some ideas of what's possible, but since we cannot help who we love, then the only question is what to do about it. I think your decision on what to do requires a lot of thought and talking rather than just follow the heat of lust. I think every relationship experiment requires that if nothing else to see what's there after the lust fades.

    TRUST ME, lust does fade, and many have found they are not even good friends anymore. We are notorious in America for having half the marriages end in divorce, so never think it cannot happen here too. Downer I know, but I can only tell you the truth about it from my perspective. I know many people that have been married and divorced multiple times, lived with many. Obviously the failures don't seem to stop people from pursuing their own happiness.

    I just hope you enjoy the experience, and have no regrets, however this experiment works out.
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    jen7 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Feb 14, 2020, 06:30 AM
    Thank you all for your advice... I really appreciate it thanks again.

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