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    broken_ heart's Avatar
    broken_ heart Posts: 201, Reputation: 22
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    #1

    Aug 16, 2019, 06:55 AM
    Confused about behaviour of my bf?
    Hi.. Its about the guy i have been dating since last 5 momths. He was very loving and caring in first 3.5 months and even popped up the question. What brought me here is his changed behaviour from past 1.5 months. He says he is super busy and dont have time for himself. In this time period, he didnt even give me a call or text. When i do call him he answers at times and says he loves me, kisses me and hang up the call...same with texts...after 10 text i get a single reply ..i love you..i do expressed him how i m feeling these days to which i only get a single reply that i m going busy and i love you , please give me some time. And i stay speechless. He made promises to call and meet me but all were broken during this 1.5 month period. His mom is not convinced for our wedding but he says he will convince her and soon i will be his wife, infact he calls me his wife. I m confused cuz now i have started feeling so much ignored and lonely. He cant even make up 5 mins in 24 hours that makes me suspious. In my view his words and actions dont match. Please throw some light on the issue and give me perspective about the situation. Is everything normal and im over reacting or i should be suspicous about it. When i talk to him everything seems fine but when he ignores me i feel this way. Kindly guide me .
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Aug 16, 2019, 07:37 AM
    Hello Broken_Heart, its been a while.

    Maybe it's just we are of a different culture, but marriage talk after 3 or 4 months is a big problem. Did you know this fellow before you started dating? How did you meet? In many societies convincing parents of agreeing to accept their sons/daughters marriage choices can be difficult and trying at best. How can you know what pressure that parents put on their children in such cases? Obviously it's a lot in this case. However I think you are distracted by your own feelings at this time and ignoring some very valuable clues into his true nature and the way he deals with not just pressure from his family, but to you also.

    I can only suggest at this time to take the events of the last few months since he popped the question in a more objective manner, to evaluate him honestly and be honest with yourself, because it's not just about you and your feelings, but him and his feelings also. You think he has cooled a bit toward you? Yes he has mostly because the initial thrill of romance has been replaced by the huge reality of a life changing event...MARRAIGE and deep commitment. Of course this makes you uncertain and insecure, but it may also be a look into your future with him.

    He takes time to deal with whatever he is going through, and I think so should you! Time to slow down from those heady romantic notions and allow yourself to think clearly. There is plenty of time to sort things out, so no need to get needy or clingy or rushed because you want more attention. Give him space and YOU take your space.

    At this point in time, let him make the moves and see what he does. No telling what that is so be ready for ANYTHING, but above all don't act out of FEAR, INSECURITY, or SUSPICION, when there is no evidence. Act like you are the prize, which you are, and if he wants it, let him come and get it. Not the other way around.

    Just be cool with your eyes wide open. What do you think?
    broken_ heart's Avatar
    broken_ heart Posts: 201, Reputation: 22
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    #3

    Aug 16, 2019, 08:03 AM
    I think you are right as always. So iam not going to initiate contact with him and wait for him to make a move whether he take a day or two or a week. He assures me everytime he is available that he loves me. But after that he disappears again for hours and at time for 2 days in a row. But as you said.. i will give him space now and see what he is upto and wont react or act in anger or feel disappointed. And will update you soon.
    Thank you :)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Aug 16, 2019, 08:16 AM
    Thank you, and just for conversation sake, how well and how long had you known him before you started dating? Have you met his mother in person and have you talked? It's just so EARLY in this process to even get excited about annoying stuff.
    broken_ heart's Avatar
    broken_ heart Posts: 201, Reputation: 22
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    #5

    Aug 16, 2019, 09:01 AM
    I met him on a dating site Tal and we talked over the call and chat for near about 5 months before we actually met and started dating. I havent met his mother in person but i do have talked to her over the call. She told me that she wants her son to get married to a girl of her choice and objected over our relationship, to which he told me to have patience and asked me for some time to convince her mom. I asked him what if she never agrees and to this he told me that he knows he will convince her 99% and by chance if he fails to convince her, he will still marry me. And later we both will get her acceptance. He said, he doesnt want to lose me and wants to marry me. So till now i am waiting for his mothers approval cuz i do want to go ahead with her consent.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Aug 16, 2019, 09:16 AM
    Thanks BK, that makes perfect sense now and I suspected as much. Homeboy got some proving to do and lots of it, before his words and actions match. Be aware guys from my part of the world use that love and marriage rap to keep girls hanging with hope in their corner. Like hiding you away from other guys. I hope he isn't waiting for mommy to get him a bride of her choice.

    Still though it's just too soon to speculate, but protect your heart by staying ALERT! Then you can judge the stranger, and situation with better CLARITY as more will be revealed later.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #7

    Aug 16, 2019, 09:20 AM
    Hello, broken_heart! What kind of wife does his mother want for him?

    And yes, tal is giving you excellent advice!
    broken_ heart's Avatar
    broken_ heart Posts: 201, Reputation: 22
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    #8

    Aug 16, 2019, 12:21 PM
    I understood what you said and now on i will change my attitude towards him. If he calls or text most welcome and if he doesnt i will try not to panick and stay cool. And if things seems to go right still i will keep my heart safely locked till it get official. I will keep you updated over it to understand things better. Thank you .

    I have no idea what kind of girl his mother is looking for. But yes a month ago he shared few pics of a girl saying that her mother showed it to him for wedding and he clearly said no. After that we didnt get much time to interact cuz of his busy schedule. So i really have no idea .
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    Aug 16, 2019, 12:26 PM
    Dumb question I know but you have dated in person haven't you? With todays online dating few people ever meet. Are you in the same city?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #10

    Aug 16, 2019, 01:14 PM
    Are arranged marriages preferred in your region or country?
    broken_ heart's Avatar
    broken_ heart Posts: 201, Reputation: 22
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    #11

    Aug 16, 2019, 03:00 PM
    Yes Tal , we are in same city but his parents are not and yes we do have met and are dating in person from past 5 months.
    No its not like only arranged marriages are preferred in our region. People do go for both love or arranged as per their personal choices.
    Specter1's Avatar
    Specter1 Posts: 85, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Aug 16, 2019, 06:30 PM
    If you think he is distant after 5 months then imagine how it will be when you are married. Your best option appears to be to get out now before he hurts you even more. Somebody out there will fall head over heels for you and will find time to be with you even when he is busy. For what it is worth, my wife and I worked in the same office for about 9 years, and dated for 3 months before we got married 20 years ago.

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