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    aseika's Avatar
    aseika Posts: 37, Reputation: 4
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    #1

    Apr 27, 2019, 04:46 PM
    I am an insensitive clod
    I don't know what to do about this.


    I, (if you read my previous questions) have had it pretty crap with men so far. Who hasn't I guess.

    However, I have been in an amazing relationship with an amazing man for the last few years. He treats me so well, takes me out on trips and holidays, makes sure I know that he loves me, and all was well.

    Basically... It's been three years now and I am 33 and he is 35. I kind of asked him if he would be interested in moving in with me. He said no, because he doesn't like the idea of living with a cat. This kind of took me by surprise as he adores my cat, who is called Bowie. Like he loves him. Rubs is head off him, picks him up and plays with him all the time. When he said no because of this reason, I kind of didn't take it too well and we had a big argument in which he assured me that it wasn't me, it was the cat and sometimes cat hair. I asked him what does he mean by this exactly, that I have to give up my cat or wait until he dies or what? WHAT THE HELL? He said "I dont know". By the way, he still lives with his parents.


    So anyway, still being hurt, we were having sex and it literally took me about an hour of fooling around with him to get him in the mood that morning, and when he finally was in the mood, he climbed on top of me and it was all over instantly. Sometimes this is an issue with him, but I'm always very understanding and tell him that it's OK and that I'm actually flattered. Its not always like this either so whatever, the sex is mostly good. But this particular morning, probably due to him telling me he doesn't want to live with me because of a cat, I lost it and said some bad things. Bad things while he was still lying on top of me. Bad things about his performance.


    Since this particular morning, he has been so strange with me. Nitpicking at everything I do, like I went on holidays with him and he just complained about how I cleaned the dishes in cold water (there was no hot water or kettle). Just nitpicking. I asked him to stop doing this. It makes me feel like Im not good enough.
    He ignored me for a few days completely and now he's acting really aloof and distant, I've apologised profusely and I spent the entire time he was ignoring me crying. I don't know why I exploded at him like this, and I regret what I said. All he has said to me since is, it's OK but everything is "a little grey" right now.


    Oh my god. Please help, I am so lost as to how to fix this. I love him. I don't want to break up over a bad sex incident and I don't know what to do. I think I really hurt him. But I don't know how to explain that he made me feel so inadequate that dayWhat can I do?
    Unfeigned18's Avatar
    Unfeigned18 Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Apr 27, 2019, 05:06 PM
    It sounds to me that there is more to this than poor performance and your outburst. Things weren't going well before then. Yes you probably said some really terrible things and yes he probably feels like it is the end. However, we are only human and we make mistakes. You asked him to forgive you and that is all you can do. You can keep being there for him, and being you around him, however he will decide for himself what he will decide. The truth of this all hurts, but in my own experience I have learned that people will do things and say things you don't like or want, but they are entitled to their own free will.

    My best advice is to not blame yourself or him but instead reflect on the problems at hand, be honest with yourself, and him, and let the chips fall where they may.

    Also you are not a clod, you are human and are just hurting.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,010, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Apr 27, 2019, 05:16 PM
    I'm a bit confused here so straighten me out. Is this the same guy from last year?

    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...re-839347.html
    aseika's Avatar
    aseika Posts: 37, Reputation: 4
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    #4

    Apr 27, 2019, 05:16 PM
    He thinks it's the end?
    aseika's Avatar
    aseika Posts: 37, Reputation: 4
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    #5

    Apr 27, 2019, 05:21 PM
    Hey Talinaman!

    GOD NO. That revenge porn incident actually happened in 2016, but after two years of harassment and being terrified from him after he initially did this, I was finally able to talk about it with people and realised I still had a complex from him, so I decided to go online and just tell the story and see what answers could help. I am actually in therapy for this and what he did to me so all is good now. This is the man I met afterwards. Totally different guy!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,010, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Apr 27, 2019, 06:42 PM
    Hey yourself, and thanks for clearing that up.

    I think all couples go through bad times, but I believe he is just not ready for that kind of change from his comfort zone, and you are hurt and disappointed of course. The reasons don't matter, but let's just say it's been building for a while, and you both feel bad right now. Instead of pushing at a wall though, maybe letting the emotional dust settle and see if calmer heads can talk better. At least you will have the time to see how you feel, and deal with those feelings and so can he with his.

    Maybe that's the whole point of these past events is to challenge you to move forward, and work together, or NOT. It's been fun but the real question is are you BOTH going to be willing to deal with this emotional storm. The last thing you should do in my opinion is pretend it's all okay and go back to what it was. No, accept that things have changed and you have learned more facts to process so take your time and process those facts. Accept yourself as part of that process, because I'm not sure if he puts up with your quirks as much as you put up with his, for sure you are no clod, just need patience just like you give him no doubt the last 3 years.

    Don't take this so personal, because he has had the best of many worlds the last few years, and should be rather grateful to you for that. Don't sell yourself so short, you and the cat are a packaged deal. Be patient with yourself even if he cannot be. Be willing to take all the time you need for YOURSELF. If I were in your shoes, I would be more than MIFFED!
    aseika's Avatar
    aseika Posts: 37, Reputation: 4
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    #7

    Apr 28, 2019, 12:48 AM
    Thanks Talinaman. I know I am willing to talk and move forward, I have actually asked him if he is OK and he keeps giving me one liners and says everything is OK when clearly it isn't. I really did not mean to hurt him at all. The way I saw it at the time was, he makes loads of money, he's 35 and he has a girlfriend and aside from this we get on fine. I was really freaked out that he is either not interested in me really or that he's one of these weirdos who never wants to move out of his parents house. (Sometimes, when he is nitpicking, he talks about what his mother would say, which kind of freaks me out a bit).

    He isn't much of a talker on the emotional front and to be honest, I'm mostly afraid he is just wasting my time, even though he says he isn't and he treats me really well regardless of this stuff in the last few weeks. He did say he was serious about me and he said he genuinely means it, but now this.

    I don't know how to approach talking about this again, I'm not sure what to say at all.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,010, Reputation: 10852
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    #8

    Apr 28, 2019, 06:03 AM
    The way I saw it at the time was, he makes loads of money, he's 35 and he has a girlfriend and aside from this we get on fine.
    What do you mean he has a girlfriend? That's you isn't it?
    aseika's Avatar
    aseika Posts: 37, Reputation: 4
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    #9

    Apr 28, 2019, 06:20 AM
    Haha yes, me! Like, why does he still want to continue living in the box room in his parents house when he could have an entire home with me!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,010, Reputation: 10852
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    #10

    Apr 28, 2019, 07:01 AM
    Whew, you scared me for a minute! 80

    He has it all right now as you said and by YOUR standards I might add, and has NO commitment to anyone but his parents. Have you met them or interacted often with his parents in the 3 years you have been together? Attended family functions? Do they know and like you? Are you comfortable calling his mom? Any siblings?
    aseika's Avatar
    aseika Posts: 37, Reputation: 4
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    #11

    Apr 28, 2019, 06:36 PM
    Oh yeah, his family love me! (I hope). Ive been out for dinner in theirs an awful lot, and he has actually driven me across the country back home to meet my family so many times. His family are great and my family love him a lot too. Not only this, but he comes with me to all my friends weddings/birthdays/gigs/events, drove me to see my brother when my niece was born, my Dad actually gave him a telescope also as a gift (space nerds). I babysat his nephew! Calling his mom? I have never really had a reason to but I do buy her little gifts I know she would like. My family adore him. Im so confuuuuuuuused! He also puts the effort in with my friends too.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,813, Reputation: 5427
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    #12

    Apr 28, 2019, 07:23 PM
    It sounds like you're doing a lot of the work in this relationship so far. He doesn't want to move in with you because of your cat that he otherwise loves, he doesn't want to move in with you anyway (he'd have to pay half the bills and be responsible, hmmmm -- what does he do to help out at home?), he's using sex as a battleground, is sulking, and is allowing you to feel guilty for something that wasn't your fault.

    If I were you, I'd leave him alone for a bit, not initiate any contact. If he contacts you, be friendly, but let the ball be in his court, let him make the moves. Do not apologize; you don't owe him one. And keep us informed!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,010, Reputation: 10852
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    #13

    Apr 29, 2019, 06:02 AM
    Have you both discussed the future of this relationship? Where you both want to be in say 5 years? Maybe his parents are not comfortable with him living with someone. To be honest I cannot even imagine a relationship of 3 years and at such a level of interactions not having a discussion of a future together. Of course he may be torn between leaving his parents, and having a life away from them, and frankly he does have that now.

    Can you blame him for wanting to keep things just as they are? I certainly can't blame you for wanting MORE, but it seems the biggest hurdle is getting on the same page and working together to build a future if there is one to be built. Has this subject even been brought up before you asked him to move in together? Maybe that's the whole problem. I don't know, but if it's never been discussed till now then he has a lot to think about doesn't he?

    Could be the cat excuse was the best he could come up with at such short notice, or worse, he doesn't intend to change the way it is. I agree with WG, give him time and space to mull this over, and take some time and space for yourself mainly, because you have a decision to make also.
    aseika's Avatar
    aseika Posts: 37, Reputation: 4
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    #14

    May 9, 2019, 08:37 PM
    Hey there,


    I think you're right. I have never discussed that with him at all before this. The only indication of how he felt about me was me asking if he was serious about us and him passionately saying YES. He is still being hot and cold with me now, I feel like asking him to discuss anything right now is really strange, but I know I have to.

    I was really sick for the last two weeks. He was here for the Bank Holiday Weekend and I had planned on bringing all of this up but I was so weak and had a certain amount of brain fog as a result of this so we basically just hung out, he did leave on Sunday morning, which I thought was strange as he did have an extra day off and I was really sick, but OK. I just figured that I am probably no fun due to being sick.

    I went back into work a couple of days later, still a but under the weather and tired. He texted me to ask if he could come over to watch Game of Thrones (I have the app), and I thought, cool, I'll try to bring this up afterwards. When he picked me up from work, the nitpicking started all over again. We watched the episode and afterwards, I tried to give him a hug, and he refused saying I'm too needy.

    He left, and now hasn't contacted me in three days, but I haven't tried to either. It didn't feel right bringing this up after he said I was needy. I now feel even worse than I used to. This is all really weird, I haven't done anything wrong and I just wanted to hug him.

    I suppose now, the next time I see him, it will only be this conversation, but if he already thinks I'm "needy" because of a hug, then how do I approach this? Did he just use me to watch Game of Thrones?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,813, Reputation: 5427
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    #15

    May 10, 2019, 09:52 AM
    I read through your post quickly, and my immediate impression is that he's doing an awful lot of TAKING. Now, let me ask you, what is he GIVING, what is he putting into this relationship?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,010, Reputation: 10852
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    #16

    May 10, 2019, 10:37 AM
    Hello again. Aseika.

    This is NOT about him, or what he is thinking AT ALL, but strictly about YOU, and what YOU think your approach should be. I can only suggest you step back and review what has already gone on, without his influence long enough for you to make a plan that helps YOU.

    He has made it plain what he wants, the way it was before, and you have made it plain enough already that you are ready for the next level in this relationship. No further conversations are needed since you both will but retreat to your own positions and that's a path to conflict. That's not to say either of you is right or wrong for those positions, just acknowledging at this time you want different things from the relationship. This Game of Thrones date was just you both checking to see if either had softened and could get on the same page or at least START to compromise. That clearly didn't happen. I think YOU need time and space to digest those facts, and deal with your own feelings about this and forget his at this time.

    I suggest you leave him and these dates alone for a while and FOCUS on YOU! I know, not what you might not want to hear, and emotionally disturbing as fear of the great changes to make in your life are so front and center you have lost a clear vision on what you are really going through. For now he ain't moving in, so what should you do about it?

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