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    Lily2014's Avatar
    Lily2014 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 31, 2019, 07:02 PM
    Matters of the Heart
    Would you marry someone in prison?
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,254, Reputation: 5642
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    #2

    Jan 31, 2019, 08:58 PM
    No, I wouldn’t.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Feb 1, 2019, 06:31 AM
    NO way!
    Curlyben's Avatar
    Curlyben Posts: 18,465, Reputation: 1857
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    #4

    Feb 1, 2019, 06:36 AM
    In a prison building or incarcerated ?
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #5

    Feb 1, 2019, 08:03 AM
    I wouldn't either.
    Lily2014's Avatar
    Lily2014 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Feb 1, 2019, 09:40 AM
    Yes, it would be in the prison Chapel. He is incarcerated.
    Lily2014's Avatar
    Lily2014 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Feb 1, 2019, 09:46 AM
    For those of you who say no, or no way, do you say no strickly because of the stigma, or for another reason?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,770, Reputation: 5427
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    #8

    Feb 1, 2019, 10:22 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Lily2014 View Post
    For those of you who say no, or no way, do you say no strickly because of the stigma, or for another reason?
    Will there be conjugal visits? What was the crime committed? When will he be released? How old are both of you?

    Dr. Phil just had this situation on his tv show this week. :)
    ma0641's Avatar
    ma0641 Posts: 15,681, Reputation: 1012
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    #9

    Feb 1, 2019, 10:23 AM
    Most prison relationships are fantasy. The prisoner attempts to get you to marry or send money to "help them get out since they were wrongly convicted". How do you even know this person, are they real? Pen pal? How much time have you spent with them?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
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    #10

    Feb 1, 2019, 10:43 AM
    I say no because you gave no compelling reason to do such a thing, and didn't describe the nature and length of the relationship so no details at all. We have no clue if he is a murderer, in jail for a long time, or a shoplifter with months. How long did you know him before he went to jail?

    Care to share some details? Got babies by him or something?
    Lily2014's Avatar
    Lily2014 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Feb 1, 2019, 11:58 AM
    5 years ago when I was 3 months pregnant, and single, a friend of mine asked me if I would pen-pal a friend of his in prison. Said his friend was serving 16 years for armed robbery, of a bank, and had 8 years left. I declined. The matter, however, did not die down as he continuously asked me again over and over for the next several months until I finally gave in. My son was 3 months old by that time.

    This man and I had started writing snail-mail, which then progressed to phone calls, JPay and all this went on for about two years at which time I finally agreed to meet him in person. Coincidentally, he is imprisoned only 15 minutes from my home, so I am able to visit often.

    His mother invested stocks for him after his incarceration, which have all done well. From time to time she will give him some off his money to spend as he pleases, and he likes to spend some of it on me. In November of last year he picked out a ring, bought and paid for it out of his savings, and proposed. His mother actually met me at the prison, gave me the ring, which I wore inside, and he proposed to me properly, like a perfect gentleman. I said yes of course. We are planning to be married at the prison this July. (No conjugal visits in our state).

    I did fall in love with this man through his words and his letters and all of the deep conversations we had. His looks are just a huge bonus.

    However, Prince Charming does have some flaws.

    By the way, he is 58, I am 48.

    For some reason, I have always believed him to be Christian, but I find out now he is Atheist and if forced to pick a religion said he relates to Paganism. I am Christian. So we have some differences there. He also admits to being attracted to women with lots of tattoos. I do not have any tattoos, and yes he has asked me if I would get one or two upon his release.

    My fear is if I agree to this, what else is he going to try and change about me once he's out here in the free world?

    I am starting to find all these flaws, but maybe in all actuality I am starting to get cold feet. I was married before, for 15 years, so I know what it's like to be committed. Love is not the issue here. I love this man more than I've ever loved anyone. I just don't know if I can go through with this.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,770, Reputation: 5427
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    #12

    Feb 1, 2019, 01:21 PM
    How do you think he will handle himself as an older stepdad of a young child? Has he been married? Does he have children?
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    Lily2014 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Feb 1, 2019, 02:06 PM
    Yes, he was married for 30 years and has 3 children, two girls and a boy. They are adults now, in their 30s. His relationship with his eldest daughter is strained, however, he has maintained a strong relationship with both of his other children, very loving and caring, as much as possible from where he's at.

    He very much wants to be part of a "family unit" again, considering he missed out a lot on the lives of his other children. I think he looks at my son more like a "do-over," if you will. He is in top physical shape for his age, and I do not have any concerns as to what type of father he will be.

    My son has never met his biological father, in fact his biological father has never even asked for a picture. I have waited 5 years for him to come around, and he has not. Therefore, as far as I am concerned, it's time to move on.

    Over the years, I have tried dating other people, but nobody makes me feel the way this man does.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,770, Reputation: 5427
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    #14

    Feb 1, 2019, 04:57 PM
    What will married life with him be like for the next three (?) years while he's still incarcerated? And when he gets out....?
    Lily2014's Avatar
    Lily2014 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Feb 1, 2019, 05:57 PM
    I wish I knew the answer to that...

    I do know that marrying him is as much a gamble as it would be with anybody else. We just never know about these things though unless we try.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,770, Reputation: 5427
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    #16

    Feb 1, 2019, 06:30 PM
    Where will you and he and your child live? What about jobs, especially for your husband?
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    Typhoonish Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Feb 1, 2019, 07:34 PM
    There's a lot of details that should consider but is missing on your question. Marrying someone should not just consider that you JUST love each other. You should put it in reality, like could you handle this kind of situation for the sake of love? You also both need to put things in consideration that could you raise a family in that kind of situation, cause getting married means you're building a family. In my opinion, you can continue loving each other while in that situation, help each other specially by moral and spiritual. Pray for each other, specially for the person behind bars. So that God will guide your relationship to His better plans for you. You might not know, with your continues prayers God will lift the bars and let that person you love be freed and that you can build your family living together with God. :)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
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    #18

    Feb 2, 2019, 01:04 AM
    Not sure when he gets out, but probably better to just stay friends until then rather than marry now while he is incarcerated. The biggest red flag as I see it is that you have let him fill a need, and you have filled one for him, and that may be fine for now, but he will be vastly different when he gets out and no doubt will have much different hopes and dreams for himself than you have and that's where reality will occur.

    Yeah, bad idea to marry now under these circumstances without the benefit of real world interactions. Maybe listen to your cold feet and not rush into such a situation. No he won't understand, but that's not the important thing here, YOU are. You deserve to sort out your feelings and should take all the time you need and not just go along with the feelings until you get the facts, or at least until all your questions are answered.

    At least wait until you interact in the real world. My mind hasn't changed because of what you have written and I think marriage now is a LOUSY idea. He hasn't got God yet, and you can't give it to him.
    waltero's Avatar
    waltero Posts: 68, Reputation: 5
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    #19

    Feb 27, 2019, 06:33 PM
    Is there a real need for the two of you being married right away?
    A Christian understanding- 2 Corinthians 6:14
    16 years is a long time, I understand him wanting to marry, I'm sure it will help him feel at ease when returning to society (transition is very difficult regardless of the amount of time served).
    What is he doing with his time while he is in, is he trying to better himself? Quote: "He had Money" , why is he robbing a bank? The fact that his mom gives him money says a lot.
    Enjoy.

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