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    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Sep 8, 2018, 09:02 AM
    Friend staying over for free

    I am in Canada for the last 3 years and I moved to my own place very recently. I was tired of sharing with anyone else and wanted my own space. One of my friends whom I have known for the last 10 years was immigrating to Canada and she needed my help to get started with in a new country. She is a close friend of mine, however we haven't been in touch for a long time and I just felt that she was trying to get close to me when her Canadian visa was about to arrive. I felt a little bad about the fact that people remember you only when they need help. Nevertheless, I told her clearly that I moved to this place because I didn't want to share my place with anyone on a long term basis. She told me that she doesn't want to be a burden for me and that she would be moving out after a month or so, since she would need to find a job and settling in a new country takes some time. When she landed, she told me that she would pay groceries while she stays with me. She didn't have a job then and I told her to only pay her share of groceries and internet or hydro bills. She happily agreed. I am actually paying a huge mortgage; I have a stable job, however since I purchased the place I am not in a position to offer financial help to anyone, since the mortgage alone is more than half of my salary. She found a temporary job in a week's time which pays just minimum wage and so she is still job hunting. We divide our expenses of the house. Even if she spends 10 bucks, she makes sure to take 5 from me which I found very cheap since she is actually saving a big chunk of accommodation expenses which she would have had to spend had she not been staying with me. She was searching for an accommodation and found one that's suitable for her and her kid (who will be landing later - she is a single mom). However that place is only available after a month or so. So basically, the time she would be living with me increased from one month to almost three months. If I was in her place, I wouldn't first of all stay for free like this. Again, when I have to stay for more than a month I would at least offer to share some part of the mortgage or rent or something. She hasn't offered anything of that sort. The house is even more messy with 2 people, I can't have people over at my place. Her work timings are different which disturbs my sleep. And since she is a very close friend I am somehow not able tell this to her, but my behavior probably showed it out in the last two days. So she sent me a text saying 'please let me know if I need to change my ways or if there is anything annoying'. I honestly don't know how to handle this situation. I don't want the friendship to be affected. But I am coming across as someone who is selfish who isn't helping a friend who needs help. But, at the same time I know for sure had I been in her position, I would have offered some financial help even if the other person was a billionaire. More than the finance, it is affecting my personal life, my personal space; 3 months is a long time. Any thoughts on this would much appreciated.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,285, Reputation: 10853

    Sep 8, 2018, 12:29 PM
    You have a lifetime to enjoy your freedom. For now you agreed to help and seems the plans not working so well, or has gotten more complicated. Since she did ask, then you must answer her honestly and straight forward, and maybe you two can get a better plan, or reshape the old one so it can work better for you both. I think you need to be more realistic, but the thought of a month to get on your feet in a new country was so unrealistic its laughable. The notion of going to another country before you secured a good job is also not well planned, and bringing her kid here before she can establish herself is unacceptable.

    It's up to YOU to be honest and firm, and maybe she will have to find other lodgings within her own income. Maybe with room mates. When I got my place I flat rejected any room mates from the beginning, friends or not. What they thought about my decision was up to them. So let it be with her, so state your case and leave the friendship up to her. If divorced people can figure it out so can "friends".

    Sometimes friends even best friends don't work so well together in real life, ask any couple dating or married, so make a decision and stick to it.

    PS extending the time from one to 3 months only extends the misery in most cases, so keep it real, hurt feelings not withstanding.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,305, Reputation: 7692

    Sep 8, 2018, 03:31 PM
    Friendships are always affected when we do any dealings.
    But all you can do is be honest and do that

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