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    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #1

    Mar 5, 2018, 04:45 PM
    Teen issues
    My 15 year old daughter has a friend at school that I've met a few times. Very nice girl, just turned 16. She's very emo.

    After the first time I met her (I gave her a ride home after school) she sent me a friend request on Facebook. I personally don't like adding my kids friends on FB but I didn't want to be rude, so I added her.

    Well she posts a lot, and all of her posts are typical emo posts, talking about her depression, talking about how she feels everyone hates her, talking about how much she hates school, talking about wanting to kill herself. No one ever replies to those posts, but as a mom I just feel like I can't ignore it. The thing is, as a mom I also know that if my daughter were posting things like that on FB I wouldn't be comfortable with someone I don't even know (I've never met her mom, and her dad is out of the picture) giving my child advice, even if they have the best of intentions. I've thought about contacting her mom (although I have no way to do it, don't know her moms cell number) and informing her that her daughter may need professional help, but that's a slippery slope too, how would you feel if some stranger called you and told you that your daughter needs help?

    I talked to my daughter about it, because I'm also getting concerned with my daugther being friends with this girl. My daughter is a happy teen, loves life, likes school, and has enough self esteem that if someone doesn't like her, it doesn't bother her. I don't want this girl rubbing off on my daughter. But then I also think that this girl doesn't have many friends, my daughter is a good friend, and maybe my daughter could rub off on her. I also don't want to forbid my daughter to be friends with this girl and make the girls issues even worse. Also, she's a nice kid. If I didn't see her FB posts I'd have no concerns at all, and frankly I think a lot of her posts are just asking for attention.

    Any advice? What would you do? Would you ignore the posts, or respond? She posted once about how much she hates school and I responded and a lengthy back and forth, offering advice, everything I said was turned down. So I'm not really ready to go down that road again, because I have a feeling that nothing I say will help other than giving her the attention she wants. So what would you do, if anything?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Mar 6, 2018, 05:57 AM
    We didn't have the social media back when my kids were teens, but I noticed my wife always knew my kids friends, where they lived and who the parents were, and the small stuff like how they did in school, and what they liked to do with friends. She always seemed to know what they were about. I guess moms are like that. Back then parents mostly the moms, knew each other, or at least had some sort of communications of course without the kids knowledge just to stay in the loop about our kids. I think you would do well to know this girls mom, or have some knowledge of her. You may never be friends, or shopping buddies, but speaking terms is sufficient I think, to at least be able to protect your own teen.

    Maybe a ride home could be a chance to get introduced to mom? Be interesting to see how close these kids are tied together though, and how your daughter feels about this girl. I know you talk to your daughter, so what does she say about this kid she has befriended? How close are they really? Do they talk on the phone, Facebook, texts, hangout? How they relate to each other would be my guide on how involved to get in this, or how you react, or act to this girl.

    I do feel 15 year olds want attention, sympathy and empathy and not just advice, and some love the drama of shocking adults. I think this kid has latched on to you, because she needs YOUR attention. I certainly cannot blame her for that, my friend, so just be YOU. Bottom line is find out what you are dealing with.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #3

    Mar 6, 2018, 04:19 PM
    I agree Tal, and this is the first friend of Syd's where I haven't met the parents. I find it a bit odd frankly, but apparently the mom works 2 jobs and isn't home a lot. There's also an older brother and a dog. The dad left when Syd's friend was very young, and they have no contact with him.

    Syd and this girl have 3 classes together, and had three classes together last semester as well. They've spent time together, gone shopping a few times, gone to a few school related events, and I've given her a ride home a few times. Also, whenever they do something together I'm the one that drives, so I've gotten to know this girl pretty well. Who she is in person and what she writes about on FB are like night and day, totally different kid.

    Syd doesn't spend much time on FB, so she hadn't seen the posts her friend was writing until I pointed them out and asked her how things are going with the friend. Syd did say that at school the friend has a few issues. She can be a bit confrontational with people if they say something or do something she doesn't like. As a result there are people that just flat out don't like her, but not to the point where they're mean to her, they just avoid her. The girl also has problems with her classes and isn't doing well and therefore she hates school. Syd has offered to study with her, or do homework together at the library, but the girl doesn't seem interested in that. None of the things she's said on FB have ever been said face to face or in conversation. Syd wasn't surprised at the comments about hating school, but she was shocked at the comments about wanting to kill herself because that's not the vibe she gives off in person. In fact, despite the school issues she seems like a happy kid.

    I've realized something in all of this. I'm very involved in my kids lives, and I just assume all other parents are the same way, and that's obviously not the case. For instance, as soon as my kids asked to start a Facebook account, I was added as a friend on their FB, and the only way they were allowed to have it was that I had complete access to it. Maybe that was over protective but after all of this I'm glad that I can see what they're posting, and not only because I'm friends with them, but because I can log into their accounts if I feel I have to, which I don't have to because they don't hide things from me. I feel like this kids mom should be more aware of what's going on with her child. Not that seeing what they post on FB is enough, but it's a start. I also can't imagine not being aware of how miserable my child is if they're posting about wanting to kill themselves. But then I don't know the mom, and it also could be that my gut is right and those posts are about getting a bit of attention.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Mar 7, 2018, 05:29 AM
    I get your concerns about this girl, and hopefully you can ask her questions as she gets more comfortable with you and opens up. I think just being good to her as your daughters friend is enough for the time being, as you learn more, maybe tell her you would like to meet her mother as you do with all your daughters friends. Wouldn't you be more comfortable taking her with you shopping and hanging out with her mothers knowledge and permission? Of course you would, anyone would. That would only be right. See what happens.

    Just be prepared though that they may be the family from hell in which case you will need to adjust the plan a bit. You never know what goes on in the private lives and thought of others no matter your good intentions, or open mind.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #5

    Mar 7, 2018, 03:42 PM
    So true. Every other time I've picked her up the mother hasn't been home. I've asked to meet the mother a few times, but she's always at work, or so the girl tells me.

    Today I told Syd to give the girl our home phone number and ask the mom to call me. Syd told her friend that I'd just like to at least talk to the mom since he girls are spending time together, going places together, and if I ever need to be able to contact the mom because something happened, I need the phone number and to at least have had a basic conversation with the mom. Hopefully the girl will give her mom the number.

    Oh, and Tal, clear out your PM's, your inbox is full. :)

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