[Sapphire1963196]

I'm looking for some advice please. I like a guy at work called Mark. A large group of us, including Mark, have lunch together every day. Mark is very sweet and shy and always friendly to everyone. He is very popular and everyone likes him. He blushed when we met first and also blushed when I caught him looking at me later on. Sometimes when I pass his desk I will stop and talk to him. He always looks surprised and delighted when I do. A few of us went out for drinks a few days ago. At one stage it was just the two of us chatting. I finished answering a question he asked me and he just kept staring into my eyes. I asked him if he liked me and he said yes. He also said it would be good if we could hang out together sometime. We didn't get to talk privately after that. The next few days we were never on our own. Today I ran into him in the kitchen and he asked me if I had enjoyed the night out but he didn't say anything about our private conversation. He just stared into my eyes when I said I had fun. He was dying to know if I remembered our conversation. He was very nervous and didn't notice that the bottle of water he was filling had overflowed. He talks quietly in general but when he talks to me his voice goes deeper and more gentle and he moves carefully. He is a very big man, 6' 5" and broad. I am 5' 1" and slim. It's almost as if he's afraid he'll step on me by accident! I think he likes me but he's too shy to pursue it unless he has drank alcohol! I suppose my question is this: Should I just leave things as they are and let him pursue me at his own pace or should I let him know that I remember the conversation and that I like him too. I think like most quys in work these days he's afraid to pursue it in case of being accused of harassment. My plan tomorrow is to talk to him if I can get him on his own and tell him I remember our conversation and let him know that I would like to hang out with him as he suggested if he still feels that way. My worry is that he will feel like I'm chasing him and change his mind. Maybe I could say I enjoyed our conversation and ask if he wants to continue it?  I would love some advice on  this if anyone has any please.

[paraclete]

Really difficult days, but you are open to pursue the relationship, so tell him about that great movie you would like to see. I know how he feels, always had difficulty talking to women when I was young, and expect he is the same. He doesn't want to be rejected, so if need be double date, there is obviously a group so shouldn't be difficult to organise

[Oliver2011]

No pain no gain is my viewpoint. If you pursue him and he doesn't want anything further from you, have you really lost anything? If you don't pursue him and he's too shy to pursue you, then you really haven't lost anything either.

I know a person who pursued someone at work because this person was the most beautiful person they had met to date. That was 7 years ago almost and we have been married for over two years now. Set your goals and go for it. See where it goes.

[talaniman]

If you like him go for it. There are ways to chase a guy without being really obvious.

[smoothy]

I'm going to be the opposing opinion here. I think its ALWAYS a bad idea to have or pursue a relationship with someone you work with. Things get really awkward and ugly all too often when it falls apart. I've seen police called and even one or both people fired over behavior inappropriate for the workplace when they got into squabbles or outright fights.

[joypulv]

It matters a little that the above advice is all from men.
My advice as a woman is to suggest something to do that is specific. Hanging out is just too vague.
My advice for both men and women is always between 'hanging out' and a 'first date.' It is a first time going somewhere alone (very significant).
A) something inexpensive, like getting an ice cream and going for a walk
B) something of open ended time duration, so each person can leave if things get awkward
C) something that allows for talking, definitely NOT a movie
D) something in the daytime
E) today or tomorrow or the first day you both have off from work!

Go for it. You clearly wrote the description of events in a way that makes it clear that he likes you! I don't see that you need any more evidence. It's just a matter of you waiting for him vs he waiting for you. He's waiting for you. He's a shy but friendly guy (the best kind, IMO).

I do agree that going out with someone from work can ruin everything. That's something you can talk about together, but not right away. It depends on which you value more.

[talaniman]

Even casual dating of a coworker can leave you both open to the office gossip and water cooler topics. Shy guys hate attention like that so discretion would be called for at all times. If it doesn't work you still have to work together, and probably run in the same group after work, so yes, something to think carefully about. However in the world of attractions, dating,and romance, nothing wrong with exploring and experimenting. Seems the real question here is are you mature enough and patient enough to pursue this shy guy because it's probably going to take some time and effort on your part and a willingness to take a risk.

Did I mention being discreet, as in keep others out of your business? That's crucial when exploring romance with a coworker.

[Cat1864]

Does your workplace have rules about employees dating?

I am wondering what you actually know about him as a person and how much you are reading into blushes and stares. Do you know what his relationship status is? Or are you hoping he is single because he seems like a nice, shy guy and acts interested in you?

If you know for a fact he is single and available and you are willing to take chances with dating a co-worker, then ask him out.

If there is a chance you are getting caught up in thoughts of your own personal Romance Novel, take a step back and look for reality.

[tickle]

Lonely needy people always latch on to someone who shows interest in them. Throwing caution to the wind and reading too much into a smile, stare, a touch. This always ends badly.

If the fellow wanted to show his interest and was genuinely attracted to you, he would have made a positive move on you by now.

Work relationships are a alippery slope.

[dontknownuthin]

There are a few dating and married couples in my office- nobody cares. They all met there. But if you date a coworker you could lose your job, so you have to decide if you are interested enough to take that chance. If you are, keep a low profile. No personal talks at work, no.PDA, no showing up or leaving together, no hanging out at each other's desks.

If either you or he are not the kind for friendly break ups, don't date him.

[Sapphire1963196]

A few things have happened since. To surmise, a few days after the party where he told me he liked me, he asked me if I had enjoyed the party. He was very nervous and shaking when he asked me but obviously wanted to talk about it. I responded positively and we continued to chat and flirt during the week. Not too much because we work hard. About half way through the week, he was showing me how to use a machine in the office. After he showed me we talked for a minute or two and flirted a bit. A few minutes after this the office manager called him over to her desk and seemed to be having a serious discussion with him. I'm aware he is studying and has exams coming up in his job and I heard her say you are too busy which could mean anything. His behaviour changed towards me after that. He stopped talking to me and has pointedly ignored me. I tried to talk to him at the end of the day but he panicked and shushed me and said we can't talk here and said he would talk tomorrow but he didn't. I think if I could talk to him outside the office it would be better but he is freaking out so much he can't listen. Same reaction I think if I wrote him a note or emailed him and I don't have his cell number.  He's just too scared he's going to lose his job. I can't think of any other reason to go from liking me to ignoring me immediately after the meeting with the office manager as he has being interested in me for a while now. Is there any way to get him to talk to me without his feeling so threatened about losing his job? Grateful for any advice. He and I are both very private people and he was very careful that no one find out. I wish I could reassure him but I have to get him to talk to me first. 😶

[joypulv]

Sapphire, you have completely missed all the remarks about company policy.
You both are capable of arranging to talk outside of work hours. 'Can we talk at lunchtime today' is 6 words. Or at the end of the day.
Chances are good that the manager included something about one of you losing their job.

In order to help YOU, we need less detail about flirting, chatting, who is nervous and how, and more detail about company policy.

[talaniman]

I will use the word again... DISCREET!! How hard is it to exchange contact info for outside of work? If two people cannot figure that out, and make it work, you better forget about pursuing this attraction simply because neither of you is ready.

Give it some thought, and use your head, and avoid the danger of losing your job because of immaturity, or INEXPERIENCE. Heck, you don't even know if this whole thing is worth it or not!

[smoothy]

I see one or both of them in the unemployment line soon.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will agree with the issue, that you should never, ever, never date or go out with people at work. If the relationship goes great, there can be work place issues. If the relationship fails, then working together can effect work seriously.

[dontknownuthin]

I have to agree with the other posts. As I said before, we have married couples at my office and nobody cares. Then again, none of them flirt at work. None of them distract each other or make up reasons to waste company time to be together on the clock. We also do not have a policy against fraternizing. In the case of our company, which is unusual, I think the firm determined that because we all work so many hours, it's inevitable for people to get involved and they'd leave it alone and focus on job performance instead.

That's NOT the case in most companies and even if you're performing well at work, they could have a policy that requires them to fire one of you if you start a personal relationship. So the first decision is whether you want to leave your job. It's not your choice of whether the man leaves his job - you have to be willing to quit and go work somewhere else if you want to date this man. You can't ask that of him. If you really want to date him, I'd suggest you arrange to see him away from the office - where nobody from work is likely to show up, so not at the restaurant or bar around the corner - and talk to him about whether you want to date, and where the two of you see it going. If you see him as marriage potential and he sees you that way too, it may be worth it for you to start looking for another job. If you just want a role in the hay or you are just getting a charge (obviously you are) out of him getting a little flustered around you, you may not be that interested or serious about him. Be honest with him and yourself.

If you want to date him, go get another job and date him. It's obviously against policy in your workplace to date a colleague based on what you've said.

Also - you are imposing a lot of feelings on him in your descriptions, speaking for how he feels and so on. Don't presume to understand another person's feelings unless they tell you what they feel. It's a fast track for ruining the relationship. Even in your friendships, you can have empathy, as in, "If I were in your situation, it would make me frustrated. Do you feel that way?" but let them express their own feelings. It's very easy to misread people. He may be flustered because he has a crush on you. He may, rather, be flustered because your interest in him and obvious flirting in the office has him in hot water with management and he doesn't want to be rude but is uncomfortable with your advances.

All you can do is ask him if he'd like to talk outside of the office, and ignore him at work except for legitimate business communications. And DO NOT use office email to communicate anything personal to him. It's surely being watched if he's already been spoken to.

[Sapphire1963196]

Sorry for not addressing the issue of office policy dating during my last message. Dating within the office is acceptable, as long as it's not obvious. Also we only flirted a few times and only once in the office.

Mark was called over by the office manager for slacking off - nothing to do me as it turns out. I thought it was to do with me because he was ignoring me after that but then I found out that he was embarrassed and regrets showing interest in me at all because when I tried to show him pictures from the party he said he could barely remember the party. It was a very clear message that he has lost interest. I was really disappointed but I tried to forget him.

A while after that I met someone else who doesn't work in my company and we hit it off. We went on a date yesterday and one of the girls asked me about the date during lunch today in front of Mark. I didn't mind her asking me in front of Mark because I know he is not interested in me and I've managed to get over him, just about. Since he found out that I was on a date yesterday, I have noticed him showing some interest in me again. I think he thought I was chasing him (which I was) and that scared him but now he thinks I've lost interest in him he seems to be getting interested in me again. What do you think? He's not a player but he is really shy. I think he is too shy to date me but he doesn't want me to show interest in anyone else either. Yes I know I shouldn't be guessing his feelings but last time I tried to talk to him about how he felt he freaked out because to him that meant I was chasing him and it took him a while to feel comfortable with me again. I wish I could just forget about him or stop him freaking out.

[Oliver2011]

Lost interest, has interest, lost interest, has interest - all in a day? Does any work get done at this company? I dated and married someone I work with and nobody was the wiser until we told people.

[talaniman]

All this emotional drama! Live your life, date and have fun, and let him grow up, and man up! NOT your problem. Your problem is stop assuming and presuming about him, his feelings, and driving yourself crazy(er) hoping and wishing he would give you romantic attention.

Or you could always play these head games in your own mind and wait for him to do what you want him to, and be an emotional drama queen wackadoodle. Your choice.

[Sapphire1963196]

I want to stop driving myself crazy and just stop. I made the decision to stop wanting him, took a few days holidays due to me and took a break from the whole situation. It helped a lot. It also helped that he had a good reason for freaking out when I tried to discuss things with him before. It was because he almost lost his job. It was between him and a work colleague. He had been slacking off but was better than her and that saved him. (I have checked this. I'm not guessing). I do work with him though and I would like us to be friends in work. I see him sharing a laugh with our work colleagues. He'll go out of his way to help any of the women. He has this kind of old fashioned awe as if it's a privilege to aid a woman. But unless they ask for his help, he just gets on with his work. I've never seen him check them out. A couple of the girls have told me how sweet and funny he is but he is not like that with me.  I can accept that he has gone from liking me to being uncomfortable around me. It's possible that he blames me because I distracted him before. I get that. I would however appreciate any advice you could give me on helping him to relax around me and making a friend of him. I'll try not to ask any more questions about this.