[rsgibson1977]

I have a 21 year old step son; who doesn't work and sits at home all day playing video games. He doesn't even help clean around the house, he literally does nothing. He started college and quit after a couple months when he first graduated, he has had at least ten jobs and quit or been fired from all of them, his latest only lasted two days! He came home and told my wife he had an asthma attack and developed a rash on his hands. When she questioned him further he began crying until she said it was OK for him to quit. She has coddled so much that he cannot do the simplest of things. I tell her a 21 year old man should not be sitting in his room all day, that it is not healthy, and he should have to work and I become the bad guy. I have told her, if he is not working by his 22nd birthday(in December) I am moving out because I am not going to help support him anymore. He is overweight and has cholesterol higher than myself and I am 39. I told her his lifestyle is killing him and I don't want to enable him. Do you think I am making the right decision?

[Oliver2011]

Depends on who this decision is for, the stepson or you. It might be the right decision for you but not the right decision for him. This situation has been years in the making and won't correct itself overnight. You against both the stepson and your wife will not lead to a happy ending for anyone.

He's a man chronologically but not mentally. It sounds like he's not had the structure needed over his teenage years or longer that would allow him to make a smooth transition to manhood. You can provide that structure now but you need to start with baby steps. He can decide if he wants to play by your rules and live in your house with your rules. The only thing that would make this successful is if both your wife and you stick to the same rules and structure. It has to be a consistent effort to be successful.

[talaniman]

While I certainly understand this ultimatum based on frustration, it seldom works out well unless you get your wife on board and be a unified front to the son. How long have you been in his life as a father figure, and is his real father in the picture? As was said by the previous poster, this sounds more like the latest event in a string of events, so if you are going to walk away then do it now. Why wait for later?

At least you can remove yourself from the situation and deal with your own frustration and maybe get some better options since talking to her doesn't seem to work. This truly is between you and your wife.

I also suspect you and the boy have never gotten along. Is my suspicion correct? Is he the only point of contention between you and your wife? Blended families such as yours are complex, so as much background information as possible is needed.

[Wondergirl]

Also, in addition to the other excellent responses you've gotten, has your stepson been evaluated for both medical and emotional problems (depression and anxiety come to mind)? Have you done any one-on-one activities with him? -- even something as simple as playing checkers or being interested in his video games, strategies he uses, games he played when he first started -- in other words, make a connection with him.

[joypulv]

I agree with Wondergirl. This could easily be something medical and/or emotional, often both.

Twice in my life I was misdiagnosed in major ways. EVERYONE needs to be informed about their bodies, chemistries, and basic conditions when they have symptoms. I wish I had. Even if I had, I'm not sure I would have realized what was going on.

I'll mention a friend, rather than myself. She had itchy palms and started hallucinating from lack of enough sleep. Who in the world would diagnose that? She went to a clinic many times, and got nowhere. She was still very good at her job and mental illness made no sense. An endocrinologist passed her in the hall, looked at her quickly, and said "You are hyperthyroid!" Her eyes were large, but didn't really seem to bulge. Turned out to be true...

Another turned out to have a parathyroid tumor for many years, and was vaguely depressed. Turns out, it's not uncommon! It's a very small tumor, and the surgery can be done outpatient. A main symptom is elevated calcium on a routine blood test.

He also could have simple schizophrenia, without hearing voices or seeing things. Or Asperger's - just can't stand being around too much activity, talking, noise, people.

Or real, clinical depression....

Sure, plenty of 20 somethings are deadbeats. You have to spend some time with him for a genuine heart to heart about what he is like, what he thinks and feels, in a caring way. Or his mother does...

[Fr_Chuck]

It is not going to change in one year. What money do you provide the boy, does his mother work and pay him money ?

How long have you been together.

But I will agree, it is now not in months, they are not taking you seriously.
Cut off his internet, make him a list of things to do around the house.
Make him go do non paid work at shelter or something

[rsgibson1977]

He is not mentally ill, he is super lazy, and hates to work. I have been married to his mother for 10 years. He was 11 when I came into the picture, we got along good the first couple years but as he got older it soured. His biological father is a drunk and uses meth and lives at home with his father at almost 50 years old. My step son has made it clear he hates me and wishes his mother never married me. My wife and I have a joint checking account which my money is direct deposited into, so I pay for half of all the bills. My wife is totally against me and thinks I am being to hard on him. He lives the life of constant leisure and treats everyone like crap. I am very much at the end of my rope.

[joypulv]

Time to get a divorce. She cares more about him than you.
First, open a new bank account and change your DD to go into it. Move half your funds into it too. Don't tell her until it's done. You don't say if you own a home or not, but your housing arrangements are going to be a biggie.
Technically you can evict him if you choose, if it's your home.

[ScottGem]

You might want to consider counseling with you and your wife. She needs to understand that she is an enabler and putting her son ahead of you is a breaking point in your marriage. If she wants to preserve the marriage she needs to change.

If she refuses to change (or go for counseling) then you would seem to have no choice but to follow the advice Joy gave and prepare for divorce.

[talaniman]

While you hope for the best, whatever you do, you should plan for the worst to protect yourself.