[Karolina1981]

Look, I understand perfectly that neither being single or being an adoptive couple makes you a bad or good parent. But I wasn't going to write an essay about it. I was just curious about one thing: would people say that it's better to have one bio mom and no dad at all or two adoptive parents and no bio parents. The question didn't deal with poverty, parenting skills, etc.

[J_9]

This is an unanswerable question. There are too many variables at play.

[joypulv]

QUOTE: "I know that people's experiences will differ, but I simply like reading about - forgive me - imperfect family structures and how the now adult children perceived their childhood."
Oh no wait, this is all theoretical.

I keep finding this more and more strange. I hope there isn't something tragic in your own childhood that has made you so detached from your feelings that you don't even know what you want from strangers online.

[Wondergirl]

QUOTE: "I know that people's experiences will differ, but I simply like reading about - forgive me - imperfect family structures and how the now adult children perceived their childhood."
Oh no wait, this is all theoretical.

I keep finding this more and more strange. I hope there isn't something tragic in your own childhood that has made you so detached from your feelings that you don't even know what you want from strangers online.

I agree, joy. The term "imperfect family structures" is especially off-putting. Just because a child is raised in a family structure that's not the "traditional" two-parent, male-female-as-biological-parents family doesn't mean it is dysfunctional or "imperfect."

[Karolina1981]

JOYPULV, my responses originally dealt with two different issues: what people would theoretically choose for themselves and what their experience was like. When my 2 questions were merged into 1, my responses were moved into 1 shread as well. It's pointless to talk about it anymore.

WONDERGIRL, I myself raise my baby in an "imperfect" family, because I'm not married to the baby's father. :)

[Wondergirl]

WONDERGIRL, I myself raise my baby in an "imperfect" family, because I'm not married to the baby's father. :)

Why is that "imperfect"????

I'm married to a guy with Asperger's. He's the father of our two children. Is that "imperfect"?

My father was a Lutheran pastor and wasn't home a lot, even in the evenings. Was I in an "imperfect" family?

One of my brothers married a woman with two young daughters. My brother became a stay-at-home dad while his wife was the breadwinner. Was that an "imperfect" family?

A lesbian friend and her partner (they're now legally married) adopted a newborn baby boy 20+ years ago. Did that child grow up in an "imperfect" family?

[Karolina1981]

Ha! Are these families perfect to you? :) Because they are far from the American ideal family model. :)

Of course I don't care about being perfect. I respect single mothers, single fathers, teenage parents... I respect everyone who loves their children and takes good care of them. You shouldn't take the word "imperfect" so seriously. Imperfection can be beautiful.

[Wondergirl]

Ha! Are these families perfect to you? :) Because they are far from the American ideal family model. :)

Of course I don't care about being perfect. I respect single mothers, single fathers, teenage parents... I respect everyone who loves their children and takes good care of them. You shouldn't take the word "imperfect" so seriously. Imperfection can be beautiful.

You were the one who called anything but married male&female parents "imperfect."

I simply like reading about - forgive me - imperfect family structures

It's NOT the "America's ideal family model" as much as it is the 1950s Ozzie & Harriet ideal.

I suggest you read the memoir, The Glass Castle, by Jeannette Walls.

[Karolina1981]

Yeah, I used the word "imperfect" - and so what? I didn't mean "dysfunctional" by that. I do think it's better to have a dad and a mom than just mom. However, I would go with a poor single mother any day than with an affluent but unrelated married couple. :)

[Wondergirl]

What's an "unrelated married couple"??? Aren't all married couples unrelated?

[Karolina1981]

I answered by own question: I would rather be raised by a single bio mom than by an unrelated couple. :) So I'd go with an "imperfect" family.

[Wondergirl]

I answered by own question: I would rather be raised by a single bio mom than by an unrelated couple. :) So I'd go with an "imperfect" family.

Even if your single bio mom is an alcoholic and beats you regularly and for no reason with a belt?

[Alty]

my responses originally dealt with two different issues: what people would theoretically choose for themselves and what their experience was like.

Okay fine. I'd factually and logically choose the family I grew up with, because that's all I know. I grew up with my bio mom and bio dad, married couple.

I cannot state what I would choose for anyone else, because each situation is different.

I can't say that all kids are better off with a bio married mom and dad, I know too many people that had very abusive childhoods at the hands of their parents. I also know many people, like me, that had a great childhood with their bio parents.

I can't say that all kids are better off with a single bio parent, I know too many people that had horrible abusive childhoods being raised by just one parent. I also know many people that had great childhoods with their single bio parent.

I can't say that all kids are better off being adopted if their bio parents are unmarried or very young. I know many people that were adopted and had horrible abusive childhoods. I also know many people that had great childhoods with their adoptive parents.

It's a case by case thing, every situation is different, and that's why there is no way to answer this question.

Now, if you had posted a specific story, then we could say what the best decision is. But hypothetically, no, it's not possible.

I really can't believe that you can't understand that.

[Karolina1981]

WONDERGIRL, I didn't compare a bad bio mom to a good adoptive couple.


ALTY, sure, I could write something like: "Would you choose your poor teenage single mother over a wealthy mature married pair of strangers?" And it would only be reasonable most people would choose the latter, right? Yet I believe many people raised in poverty by single teen moms turned out fine. The statistics, however, were against them.

My question was purely theoretical. It dealt with JUST one thing: fatherlessness. One natural parent or two adoptive ones? Don't take it so seriously.

[joypulv]

FINALLY you tell us that you are a single mother! THANK YOU. I can leave now. I'm sure you are a fine and loving mother, and you really care about this subject on a personal level, rather than just being some kind of weirdo who 'simply likes reading about - forgive me - imperfect family structures.'

[Karolina1981]

I am NOT a single mother (just unwed). Where did I say so?

I said I WOULD choose one.

You may say I'm weird but there are places on the Net where such weird questions are asked and no-one makes fuss about it.

[joypulv]

Yes, sorry, you didn't say single mother.
I and other responders have been finding the MANNER of questioning to be detached, lofty, or off-putting. Nothing weird about the topic itself.

[Karolina1981]

OK, sorry then. I never meant to offend anyone. Have a good day.

[talaniman]

I don't think you have offended anyone it's more like frustration of a lack of facts about you and why you feel as you do. You have to understand that most respondents here are older people who tend to look deeper maybe than you are willing to go, which is typical since it's about more FACTS, than just feelings with this group.

That's really what separates this sight from many others you may have been on. We tend to get intimate with visitors, but you are hanging in there and that's a good thing. May I ask if you live with your baby daddy unwed mom?

[Karolina1981]

Yes, I do.