[Silvermist]

I really need some advice about what to do. I feel like my life is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it. I'm such a horrible person my mum I've treated her so bad I fight with her all the time I don't even know why we fight well I do its because of me. My brother hates me don't think that will ever change. My boyfriend won't speak to me my best friend only friend won't talk to me. I've been suspended from school everything is a mess and I don't know what to do. Every decision I make is the wrong one. Apologies don't work how do I fix this?

[Fr_Chuck]

Tell mom you are sorry, and start making right choices, stop agrue with mom and start doing what she says.

Leave boyfriend alone and see what happens.

[Precious7]

If you want to change anything in your life and make it better, First ''start it with yourself''! Do what above Fr_Chuck has advised above.

[Silvermist]

Tell mom you are sorry, and start making right choices, stop agrue with mom and start doing what she says.

Leave boyfriend alone and see what happens.

You make it sound so easy! And I really though it was but every choice I make is wrong. How do you know what's the right thing to do?

I don't want to fight with my mum I really don't and I don't mean too I just think something is wrong with me she makes me angry.

[joypulv]

I think I know one big reason.
5/11/16: My dad passed away 3months 2 weeks and 2 days ago. If I hadn't of made a fuss about him not coming to my dance comp he would have just gone home from work and never been in the accident.

You nay be all messed up with guilt. I can tell you that every time someone dies, those who love that person most usually suffer from guilt. At my age, it has happened with several people. Even adults often don't recognize it. It gets all wrapped up in regular grieving. I can't tell you to stop it because his accident wasn't your fault, but I can say this: there are infinite possibilities in life for each split second of life. What if he had gone home directly from work? He might have not only been in an accident somewhere else, but he might have killed an entire family in that accident, as well as himself. For every IF, there's another IF, and another, and another, forever and ever, and there's no guarantee that the results would have been pleasant. So although guilt is normal, because you are a good and loving person, and you feel responsible, you aren't. You just aren't. And there may have been several other factors that were part of what happened. Maybe the car needed work or the tires were old or the brakes bad. Maybe he had vision problems he wasn't aware of. Does this make sense? Not just other factors that have nothing to do with you, but a whole alternate universe full of infinite possibilities, of events, for going home instead of to your school.

I'm so, so sorry. I feel guilt about my first boyfriend's accident and paralysis for life. I feel guilt about my first husband's suicide. I feel guilt about my dad's death while I was his caretaker.
When we feel guilt, we don't have to drive it out of our mind and life. It can stay part of us, but you can't let it poison you. See if you can let it out in tender ways. See if you can feel that you are not a bad person.
I can't say that I'm an especially tender person. I tend to be feisty and angry and tough, and I try to soften it with humor, and SOME tenderness, because I am capable of feeling it. Otherwise, who would want me around?

You can wallow in guilt and self deprecating remarks about what a horrible person you are. (That's a sign that you are hoping people will say 'oh no, you aren't horrible.') None of that will get you anywhere. Get some help about your dad and your guilt. Try a little tenderness. Try crying. Buy a bag of birdseed and watch the birds. Something to soften you a little.

Oh and tell your best friend that you are not seeing your boyfriend. Tell her that you need her. Ask for her HELP.

[Homegirl 50]

You and your family have been through a lot this year and all you guys could use some grief counseling. You are too hard on yourself. Have you done counseling?

[Silvermist]

Thanks for the replys. I have been to counseling and told a million times it wasn't my fault don't blame myself it's not that easy. I get so angry with myself I really just want to hurt myself sometime how stupid is that. I know there is a million different things that could have happened that night it was just his time and I see it happen all the time so I get it just doesn't make it any easier.

I'm scared of the way I've been behaving lateĺy it's not me and I'm not even trying to be that way it just happens. My mum tries to talk to me and we end up arguing I go to school and I can't handle bei g around people I can't focus in class. I take all these pills "to help me" to make everyone happy and I hate them. I really just want to be with my dad.

Thanks for all your help and sorry for all my stupid questions. You don't know me and you've taken the time to reply so thanks. I know only I can change things

[Wondergirl]

(((((Silvermist)))))

[Silvermist]

(((((Silvermist)))))

Sorry I don't know what that means?

[Wondergirl]

Sorry I don't know what that means?

I gave you a big hug. I lost my dad much too early (massive heart attack between sentences -- we didn't get to say goodbye) and understand a little of what you're going through. You've really touched my heart.

[Alty]

Silvermist, I lost both of my parents 6 months apart when I was 30. I'm an only child. They both died of cancer, nothing I could do to save them, and I still feel guilt, and I'm a grown woman, now 46 years old.

Death is a hard thing to handle for anyone, regardless of age. I did find that counseling helped, but I will tell you that it took a while for me to find a counselor I felt was actually helping me instead of giving me all the platitudes I already knew. Someone that actually listened to what I was saying, and worked with me on how I felt, not how the book tells them to help.

I won't lie to you, you'll always miss your dad. Not a day will go by without you thinking about him in some way, or wishing he was with you. But, it does get easier. The years have a way of making the pain less, but it does take time.

Being a teen is hard on the best day, so many changes in your body, in your life, and add to that losing a parent and it's just hell. I can't imagine it.

Right now I think you have to focus on yourself. Forget the boyfriend, that's a lot to focus on when you don't need to focus on someone else. With your mom, well, teens fighting with their mom is normal, trust me. I did it with my parents, my two teens do it with me, it's a normal thing. I'm sure your mom remembers what it feels like to be a teen, and she didn't have nearly the stuff you're dealing with on top of all the teen stuff.

Kiddo, life is hard, and it has a tendency to kick you when you're already down. You are much stronger than you think you are, I can tell just from the way you write, and because you care about what you're doing and how others feel because of what you're doing. That shows a lot of strength and character.

As for doing all the wrong things, it's not always easy to figure out what's okay and what's not. Here's a rule I like to use. When you're thinking about doing something and you're not sure if it's right or wrong, think about what your mom would say about it. Think about what your brother would say about it. Heck, think about what we would say about it. If any one of the people you're thinking about would disagree with what you're doing, then don't do it.

Now about the meds. Some meds do help when you're going through a hard time, and it can take up to 6 months for meds to "settle" and for you to start feeling better. But, if you really hate them, talk to your mom about it, get an appointment with your doctor, and discuss other options. Do not quite taking them cold turkey, that can make things even worse.

Remember that whenever you need to talk, we're all here, and we're more than ready to listen, to give advice, and offer virtual hugs when you need them. The group of people on this site are amazing, and believe it or not, we really care about you. We've been here from the start of all of this, and we want to see you through it. So whenever you need a shoulder, ask for it, we have many to offer you.

[joypulv]

Are you willing to tell us what medications you take, and how much?
It really is possible that you are having side effects from them.
Not all doctors really know how to deal with the typical teen, and you have been through a lot more than the typical teen, so they just hand out pills to see what works, if any.

[Silvermist]

Thanks everyone made me cry to read the nice replys. Somedays are just harder than others and my boyfriend not talking to me just made me feel like everything is falling apart like I have no control. I'm only 14 its hard to think about living the rest of my life with out my dad. Little steps so I've been told.

[Silvermist]

Are you willing to tell us what medications you take, and how much?
It really is possible that you are having side effects from them.
Not all doctors really know how to deal with the typical teen, and you have been through a lot more than the typical teen, so they just hand out pills to see what works, if any.

I take .50mg zoloft for anxiety and depression and 10mgs temazapam to help get to sleep.

[Alty]

Thanks everyone made me cry to read the nice replys. Somedays are just harder than others and my boyfriend not talking to me just made me feel like everything is falling apart like I have no control. I'm only 14 its hard to think about living the rest of my life with out my dad. Little steps so I've been told.

My daughter is 14, and we have an amazing relationship, but there are times that we butt heads. It's natural. It's a teen/adult thing. We've all been teens and remember what it's like (for the most part), and now that we're adults we've become our parents, because you do eventually grow up and when you do you'll see how silly a lot of things teens do, are. But that's growing up, and teens aren't old enough or mature enough (no matter how smart they are maturity comes through experience) to see how their actions can alter their lives. So yes, parents and teens will fight, because we as parents try so hard to instill the wisdom we've learned, into you, and as teens you just can't see it. That's just how it is. This too shall pass. Hopefully soon because man oh man I have to tell you, some days I just want to pull my hair out.

I know your mom is trying her best, but she can't help if she doesn't know what you need, so talk to her about how you're feeling, what you're going through, be it the bad decisions you're making, or the meds you're on, and everything in between. Some moms are better at listening than others, but I don't know of any mom that doesn't want their child to be happy, so when you talk to her be calm, no yelling, no (I'm right you're wrong) attitude. Talk and listen, calm voice, and she'll listen. One thing we moms respond to is when our kids sincerely need help and come to us for it. The yelling, door slamming, hissy fits, we generally respond to those in anger. Mirror what you expect, if you're calm, she'll be calm, if you're emotional she'll feel and sympathize with that emotion, if you're disrespectful she'll be the same way. You get what you give.

As for the boyfriend, sweetie, you're 14, he's just one of many that you'll have in your life, he's not going to be the guy you're with 50 years from now, so don't spend too much time stressing about him. He's really not worth it. Heck, in 10 years you probably won't even remember his name. Right now focus on doing better in school, making better decisions, mending your relationship with you mom and your best friend, finding the right meds to help you through this difficult time, and finding a counselor that actually helps you learn to deal with what you're going through.

And from now on, before you're about to do something, if you're not sure it's okay come here and ask, trust me, I'll tell you what I think, no problem doing that at all. :)

[Silvermist]

I haven't spent a lot of time with my mum, dad would work during the day and mum in afternoon/night I spent more time with dad. She's always so tired and stressed out from everything its hard to talk to her because I don't want to upset her or make her angry. There's things I need to talk about but am scared how she will react. The more I think about it the worse I feel so I'm going to stop worrying move forward and try and make right choices. Thanks for all the advice will take it all in :) and see how I go